When you’re a lesbian and single again…where do you begin?
I was speaking with a new client this morning who recently ended an 8 year relationship with another woman. She feels she is ‘healing’ and says she wants me to help her overcome the ’serial monogamy’, u-haul game and find a lifelong partner the next time around.
What a great time, btw, for someone to enlist support! I remember back to my therapy training days when we learned that crises may seem overwhelming but they are also a time when we are more open to change. That’s right – the Chinese were right – crisis =’s opportunity! And making some internal changes (as well as some changes in her actions) will be required of this client if she expects to ever stop ‘leasing’ U-Hauls!!!
Being Single Doesn’t Mean You Are Ready To Meet Your Soul Mate
The first thing I suggested this client do, however, is understand that being single is not synonymous with being ‘ready’ to find a life partner. How many newly single folks do you know who rush out into the dating pool right away??? Usually that leads to disaster or ‘more-of-the-same’ you’re trying to avoid. Many people believe that availability equals readiness and that’s just not true. In fact, most of us have never encountered the concept of readiness and it’s importance in our lives.
So, I suggested to this client that she put any thoughts of dating on hold for the next couple of months while we explore the concept of readiness and how it applies to her. A great place for anyone to start when one is single and seeking their life partner, whether or not one is already dating, is assessing one’s readiness for love.
What is Readiness and Why is it So Important
Readiness is about having your ‘house in order’ as much as you can prior to considering ‘combining’ or ‘joining’ your life with another person. Another way of saying it is that readiness is about having an awareness of who you are and what you want so that you can identify it when you are experiencing it with another person. Readiness is also about being strong enough to ’stay the course’ until one gets what one requires, needs and wants in a relationship before making a life commitment to that relationship. Now, you tell me – are you truly ready for the relationship you say you want???
There are at least 10 Love Readiness areas, such as…
Breaking readiness down into these 10 categories makes it easy to define ‘how ready you are’ in each critical life area. No, there is no such thing as ‘perfect readiness’ so you don’t have to worry about that, but, what most of us find is that we can improve our readiness. What’s the benefit of doing this internal, what I call ‘heart work’? The benefit is that regardless of whether you find a partner you will be a happier person. Also – people who are ready for love tend to attract more potential life partners and, when they do, know how to date to figure out if a particular partner is for them.
So if you are single, take heart. Did you know there are now more single people in America than married people? It’s true. So the pool is large! Add to that the fact that more lesbians are living open and honest lives and that there are more interesting and exciting places for lesbians to meet than ever before and I think I can get you to agree with me when I say you may not feel like it yet but, truly, you have the world in the palm of your hand! Don’t settle for anything less…
If you’d like to learn more about this readiness thing, I’d recommend you take Coach Sappho’s Readiness Quiz. It’s free, short and sweet and oh so helpful! OR, if you can’t stand taking quizzes, how about coming to the next, LIVE, Coach Sappho’s ‘Be Ready for Love’ Podcast?
I can’t wait to meet you!
Barb Elgin
Tags: blog for lesbian women, blog for lesbians, coaching for lesbian women, dating for lesbians, dating strategies for lesbians, gay and single, happy lesbian relationships, lesbian singles, lesbian wellness, life coach for lesbians, newly single, single and lesbian, single gays, women-who-love-women
August 26th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Change and crisis are a part of life and not always pleasant but also not always bad. I have done some of my best pondering and growing when in the midst of crisis and change. There is almost always something positive to come out of seemingly negative situations especially if you don’t close your mind or put up walls.