The View Interviewed ‘lesbian’ comedian Judy Gold Today…
I am working and the TV show The View is on (lately I’ve had NBC on in the morning and have been watching ‘Kathie Lee and Hoda’ at 11a but today the TV is on ABC). I notice they just introduced lesbian comedian Judy Gold as a ‘gay’ mom. Is it me or do you too wish they didn’t have to announce her as a ‘gay’ mom just a mom? When will we just be a part of the mainstream so much so that when we are introduced we don’t always have to be called the gay this or the lesbian that…
Okay, I say to myself, wait up. I should just be happy they are having an openly gay guest on their show AND I should just be happy they are open and comfortable saying words like ‘lesbian’ and ‘gay’! HA!
While the gals on the View interviewed Judy it was interesting how Judy referred to her ‘ex’, whom they had their two children with, btw. She says she ‘got her ex’ an apartment in the same building below her, because Judy is the ‘god’…under her breath…
Now I know Judy is camping it up because she’s the funny bone. However, isn’t there always some truth in any joke? This got me to thinking about some research I’ve been doing lately regarding power dynamics in lesbian couples. I became curious and was wondering how power had played itself out in Judy’s relationship and how it may have been involved in the ending of her relationship.
I find there are some interesting observations going on out there in academia. Some studies I think ‘gloss’ over the existence of power issues in lesbian couples, perhaps to make us sound good/functional? I think the assumption is that because women are socialized to be passive, relationship-oriented or, to ‘share power’ that it automatically or easily happens in all lesbian relationships.
Are lesbian relationships inherently ‘more functional than’ straight couples? Some studies show (on mostly too small samples I think to generalize) that we don’t get as emotional when arguing and we are ‘more egalitarian’. Putting lesbian couples up on a pedestal?…hehehe…that may not be a comparison we want to emphasize.
Seriously though, I would not be surprised if lesbian couples do share some strengths that gay and straight couples could learn from (and vice versa). While most of the challenges all couples face are universal (because love is love is love, pretty much), there have got to be some differences.
My experience coaching lesbian couples has been that gender is less an issue (often, not always) when it comes to ‘decision making’ issues. My experience in talking to lesbian couples is that other characteristics (upbringing, values, character, socio-economic and educational status) reign supreme. And in some lesbian couples, there is a more traditional ‘one has more of the power and the other is more subordinate’ thing going on (sometimes it’s okay to both partners and sometimes it’s not). Also – as you probably already know – lesbian couples aren’t immune to problems like emotional, verbal and physical abuse. That’s a topic for a whole other post, but it does happen.
How about you? If you are single, but you’ve been in relationships before, how did the issues of power and decision making play itself out in your relationship? Would you say those issues led to your breakup and, if so, how?
If you are dating, seriously dating or engaged, how much have you considered how you and your partner deal with power and decision making? BEFORE you make a stronger commitment to a person is the time to figure out if you have any ‘issues’ with power and decision making with your partner, not after.
If you are currently in a committed relationship or marriage, I’m curious how power plays itself out in your bond?
I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and get the discussion going!
Tags: couple dynamics, lesbian couples united states, lesbian relationships, power sharing, Relationships