More women coming out as lesbian in their 40′s and beyond
Seems the issue of ‘coming out’ later in life as a lesbian continues to be a hot topic in the media. I received a couple of emails yesterday from people in my networks asking me whether I think ‘latehood lesbianism’ is increasing as a phenomenon and why I think that is. The magazine More.com did a piece on the topic this month called
Great title, btw. But, seriously, it is no surprise to me that we are seeing an increase in women ‘becoming gay’ later in life. Hey, I am buddies and live in the same town as the infamous Elaine Weber, who came out at 79! Isn’t she amazing!?!
Now, most women who knew they were gay, like Elaine, lived in a time and place where it was very risky to come out. The result became that they either never lived an ‘out’ life or, eventually did come out (at least to themselves, a partner and to other gay friends and allies) in early or mid adulthood. Today, the situation is much more accepting for women to be who they are and/or explore their sexual orientation. I’m sure Elaine, if she were in her 40′s today, would probably have ‘come out’ by now.
I have a fine colleague in the heterosexual matchmaking industry who jokes that ‘she wishes she could turn a lot of her female clients into lesbians’ because the ratio of women to men, as women get older continues to widen, given the fact men still die sooner than women, on average. She runs out of men to match these women with and it’s frustrating for her and for her clients.
I think this matchmaker is on to something – I think that there are a percentage of women who are either aware or unaware right now that they are bisexual or ‘not exclusively straight’ – who may, in their later years, when finding a man they want to be with is harder, become more aware of their same sex attractions. I believe that one’s expression of gayness is sometimes brought out by environmental factors like this, much like the phenomenon of ‘mostly straight’ women ‘falling in love with’ other women in prison, when there are no men around.
What do I mean ‘mostly straight’? If you look at the Kinsey scale, sexuality occurs on a continuum and isn’t either/or for all of us. Exclusively lesbian women are a 6. Exclusively straight women are 0′s. Then there are women in the middle (1′s to 5′s)!
And there are women in midlife today, who, for various reasons, have always probably been gay but just weren’t aware they were. And there are probably women whose sexuality does change over the course of their adulthood, naturally. So, I think these reasons count for a percentage in the increase in women coming out later in life.
I also think that it’s the simple fact that, like mentioned in the More.com article, women are more scripted than men are into ‘proper’ roles, and, it’s when they near midlife that they are more likely to question those previously unquestioned roles.
Some women don’t ‘come into their own’ until their 30′s, 40′s and beyond
A big script many women internalize when they are young (long before they consciously choose a belief) is the one that says we are ‘caretakers’ and ‘relationship makers’ first not individuals (whereas men are taught the opposite: that their needs come first). As a result, women grow up not developing or fine-tuning a sense of themselves as individuals.
If you look into the research literature on women and midlife I think you will find that it’s clear it’s very common for some women to become more ‘me’ focused at midlife. As women near midlife it’s more likely that their children are growing up, meaning they are often needed less, and they are more likely to have experienced divorce (or an unhappy marriage).
Both of these ‘life changes’, in combination with the ‘sensing one’s mortality’ (which often happens around the age of 40), simply throws many women into greater self reflection about their lives and how they’ve lived it so far. Many say that midlife crises aren’t frequent these days but I know that many of us, myself included, DID and DO go some sort of psychological ‘tumult’ during the ages of 35-45, and, for some women, that includes questioning their sexual orientation.
Are you ready for love now like never before? I am…
I didn’t have a crisis around sexual orientation, because I’ve been out to myself and the world about being gay since my teens, but I became more clear who I was and what I wanted in a love relationship in my late 30′s to early 40′s. I feel, on some level, that I’ve just begun to know enough to be able to ‘next time around’ (I’m single now), be able to form a more deeply satisfying, authentic and lasting relationship with another woman! How about you? Have you experienced this as well?
In my two, long term relationships to date (one lasting 7 years, the other almost 15), I put myself second, much like younger straight women put their husbands and children first and themselves second. Why? Because I too had yet to ‘come into my own’.
Why am I a ‘late bloomer’ when it comes to love? I think most women are, simply because most of us weren’t supported from a young age on for developing our individuality. Hopefully this is changing…
While women in Elaine’s generation experienced ‘empty nest’, they weren’t, like today’s midlife baby boomers, as independent minded and thus, probably didn’t experience empty nest like mother’s do today. And, of course, divorce was less common back then as well.
There is also the issue that, for women who have a ‘flexible’ orientation (which, btw, seems to be more common with women, so the research in this area suggests), there may be a greater willingness to feel exploring is natural and a greater willingness to believe that ‘love is love is love’.
Now is a great time to be single and, lesbian
So, the long and short of it is this – we will continue to see increasing numbers of women ‘come out’ later in life. For the reasons I’ve quoted above. Hey – that’s great news for the 35 plus single lesbian is it not?
Have a great weekend and, don’t forget to catch the finale of the L Word tomorrow night!
Barb Elgin
Tags: coming out, coming out late in life, L Word finale, L Word on Showtime, L Word Season 6, late bloomers