Wow, it’s been an interesting time for me of late, in terms of grief and loss.  A couple of weeks ago I made the difficult decision of putting down my 18 year old miniature pinscher.  And, I do some psycho-therapeutic work with the elderly and have recently seen several of my clients pass on.

Now in the news this week we learned Elizabeth Edwards, wife of once presidential hopeful John Edwards, has published her new book Resilience.  Edwards opened up about her life on Oprah yesterday, sharing details about her terminal illness and her marriage, specifically John’s recent infidelity.  Then, as I talked with a fellow, ‘boomer’ friend last night, she mentioned it is now coming out that Farrah Fawcett is most likely losing her battle with cancer.

Given today’s internet and the explosion of media outlets, I think it’s even harder to deny these realities than in our parent’s midlife days.  We know more about more people and get the news almost immediately when it happens (especially when it’s not positive).

How about you?

For those of us in that stage of life called ‘midlife’ (say 45-65), the issue of one’s mortality starts to hit closer to home.  Many of us have now lost one or both parents.  Or, we are seeing our parents decline.  Many of us have suffered relationship endings.  When we were young, we didn’t think about these sorts of realities much did we?

How do we best deal with these realities?  How are you dealing with loss and change in your life?

As I reflect on what really matters here, it is this: we have today, we have these moments.  Use them well.  Use them as you wish.  Truly slow down and notice the ‘precious’ moments of your life.  Sometimes the smallest moments, such as, getting away from the grind to take a relaxing walk in the sun with your dog or, sitting down with your child and listening to her with wonder and full attention as she tells you about something funny that happened in school today.

I know I am reminded to do these sorts of things more often.  While some of us might find it difficult relating to this straight, married, rich politician’s wife, I would encourage you to consider reading what Edwards has to say because everyone has something valuable to teach us.

We might also look at the value of our losses.

I’m reminded of John Lennon’s great phrase about ‘life happening when you are making other plans’.  And of the serenity prayer:  even when we are able to act courageously, there are still things that can happen that we can’t control.  It is then that we must learn the fine arts of acceptance and letting go.  I found it valuable that Elizabeth is sticking by her husband.

At first, as I listened, I judged Edwards: hmmm…there she is another woman putting up with a partner’s disrespect.  But then, as I listened to the Oprah interview, I softened my stance: Edwards made her decision to stay because of the other many wonderful things John has done over the years, how supportive he’s been during her illness, the children and so many wonderful years together.  I don’t blame her.  Having been through my own relationship difficulties and breakups, I know how hard it is to decide what to do and I know that giving up on a relationship is a loss, even if it was really better you let it go.

As I consider what else is of value with all of this loss, I caught the last 15-20 minutes of Michael J. Fox’s show last night on being an ‘incurable optimist’.  Fox, who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease in the prime of his life, 19 years ago, is certainly an inspiration.  He reminds me that there is much to be gained by loss, if we are willing to look at loss in that way.  Much like Edwards, who talked about resilience being about handling the new reality, the change, in whichever way it goes.  I’m curious to read Fox’s book too, because in it I’m sure he shares the details of all these ‘opportunities’ and ‘gifts’ that have come out of his loss.

Lastly – If Fox can continue to be active and a part of life, given the challenges he faces daily, who am I to complain about the small stuff!?!    

Even when we don’t really have control, we do, don’t we?  Go out there and enjoy your life as it is, right now.  Take time for YOUR life, and live it more like you want to live it.  Who owns you?  Only you do, unless you don’t.

As my coach tells me – don’t let anyone, the economy, whatever, steal your joy!  I appreciate your considering purchase of these books through Amazon, as every little bit helps me continue to offer Coach Sappho to the lesbian community.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Barb Elgin

Tags: bereavement, coping with change, coping with loss, death and dying, gays and loss, grief and loss, lesbians and grief

This entry was posted on Friday, May 8th, 2009 at 5:34 pm and is filed under Be Ready for Love, Committed Relationships, Family and Social Support, Lesbian Couples, Lesbian Dating, Lesbians, Love & Money, Marriage Equality, Parenting and Lesbian Relationships, Pre-Commitment-Is this the Relationship for Me?, Single Lesbians. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.