Hang Tough – Same Sex Marriage is Coming to All of America!
I know it’s been a tough week for equality, fairness and for gay Californians especially. The rest of the country is looking on, and doing all it can to be supportive. That includes me, here in Florida.
I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today. The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.
That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times. That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do. That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast. I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.
Evan does amazing work. He’s an attorney by training, but he is also one of those experts in the marriage equality movement we need to emulate. Evan’s words restored my faith in knowing that ‘what is right eventually comes to pass’.
If you are flagging in your faith or enthusiasm, I’d suggest you listen to my interview with Evan. Click here to get your copy. Just note the interview was done in early 2008, before the California supreme court ruled for equal marriage the first time (pre-Prop 8).
What I loved about this interview was Evan’s way of comparing the same sex marriage issue to other civil right’s issues our country has resolved. Evan is sure eventually America will be inclusive of same sex marriage as well. During the interview Evan gives many historical examples. Great stuff. And, I was so proud of my listeners who asked Evan some great questions!
Secondly, two items crossed my computer this week that I thought shed light on all that is good, ‘right’ and positive about gay marriage:
1) A new study on gay married couples in Massachusetts reveals marriage matters – A new study being released this week that interviewed some of the first American gay couples given the right to marry shows the many ways marriage is positive, for gay couples, their children and the community at large.
Gay marriage matters:
“This really helps us confirm and makes us understand why same-sex couples demand marriage – if it’s just about the legal rights, why wouldn’t they be happy with civil partnerships?” said Stephanie Coontz author of “Marriage, A History. “They want access to that word that is so highly valued by our society and by other people.”
According to Stephen Smith at Boston.com, who summarized key points of the study…”Virtually all of the married men and women who responded – 93 percent – said “love and commitment” were the prime factors in their decision to wed…Marriage appears to have forged stronger ties between spouses and their families and even colleagues on the job. When asked whether marriage had created a stronger bond with their partners, nearly three-quarters said it had. And families, the gay couples said, reacted with overwhelming acceptance of their marriage: 82 percent said their parents responded positively, while 91 percent indicated siblings were receptive…Eight of 10 study participants said that being married made them more likely to disclose their sexual orientation to their coworkers and doctors…”That suggests there’s something powerful about that ritual, about that institution,” one of the study’s authors, Dr. Lee Badgett said. “People feel more accepted by society.”
Smith reports one of the married gay men in the study said of getting married…
“And yet, what happened as we were getting married, it was an experience I’d never had before,” said Scott McGuill…”I was so moved at just being in the presence of someone I’d been with 10 years, talking about our love together and our commitment to each other.”
At family gatherings, McGuill felt a keen sense of difference when he watched his married brothers and sisters – until that August morning three years ago.
“Now, I have what they have,” said McGuill, a veterinarian. “I have a marriage. Getting married, there’s nothing revolutionary about it – it’s something you do with the person you love.”
Click here to pick up your copy of the UCLA Institute’s study. Please note that the sample selected had incomes and levels of education that may not be representative of all gay couples.
2) GLMA’s Paper on Same Sex Marriage and Health – I’m a subscriber to the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association’s e-zine. They sent out a blast today and, in light of the California debacle, reminded readers of an important paper they put out last year on same sex marriage and health. It’s a great report, 16 pages total and gives a summary of why it’s important to secure marriage for gay and lesbian couples. Click here to pick up your copy.
I hope you’ll ‘keep the faith’ and continue to educate those who need to be educated, tell your story, take care of your relationship health, etc.
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Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach. Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09. Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.
©2009, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved
Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Tags: Benefits of Same Sex Marriage, gay money, gays and finances, How same sex marriage benefits all, lesbian relationship advice, lesbian relationship expert, life coach for lesbians, money and relationships
May 30th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Hi,
After reading your article with interest, and reflecting on the many ways that post Hitler society has locked itself into a viewpoint that keeps us as being looked upon as sex crazed queers and definately second class citizens, I have to say that the “right to marry” has complex sociological issues attached. It is something I have always wished to do with my partner as well. And truly, does it really have anything at all to do with tax time? Could we become more fluent in our accounting then? I would imagine that we could because I have never seen any group of people that has united and infiltrated llike those of us who are counted among gay society. I have seen this around the world in fact; coming from the United States, living in England for 9 years and now Australia for 3. By the way, some how these countries are very far ahead of the United States with regard to partnership rights for immigration.
Having said all of this, what if we could look at the marriage issue in a different way that would leave no requirement of us to fight the powers that be? What if we could see it as a positive and change our consciousness with regard to it?
Perhaps “marriage” sets off every point of view our parents have about them, their marriage, and their life together and what that is supposed to be in our head? What if we feel comforted in the approval, but are living out something that is not actually us? I wonder often, and it works well for me, what it will take to say this is not working, and I am not going to fix it, but I will create something else…what could that look like? Otherwise, I think we have marriage mixed up with tax law and a couple of other goodies it comes with IE approval…and from whom? If someone is that judgemental of you as a being, would you truly choose to have them in your life in the first place? My question in this case would be ” What love are you achieving with the abuse you are receiving?
Thanks for hearing me out. I can be found on the Access Consciousness website.
Dr. Brooke Martin Bentley, B.A., D.C. , CFMW
May 30th, 2009 at 2:26 am
Equality has always never been easy for any group, but I have faith we will prevail. California’s proposition 8, and those other states that have recently written discrinimation into their constitutions limiting marriage to being a woman and a man are just the last ditch efforts of narrow minds to hang on to a tired old status quo. They are not stopping attitudes from changing.
May 30th, 2009 at 2:31 am
Thanks for posting Dr. Bentley – I think it’s important we do both: fight for the right to ‘integrate’, if you will and at the same time all of us should build the relationship protections we want for our relationships now. I think the argument is like the age old, polarized notion that behavior is either caused by nature OR nurture. In reality, all behavior, indeed, all that is life is a unique combination or interaction of both. For example, we both need other’s approval and we don’t. Both are true. Does this make any sense?
May 30th, 2009 at 2:51 am
I live in Iowa and it seems to be positive at this point.
May 30th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
This is one of the reasons I wrote a story for a Lesbian Marriage anthology and donated the profits to charity. As my husband says, “Why shouldn’t they be as miserable as the rest of us?”
He was kidding- I think! : )
I do agree that this is inevitable. Long overdue.
Kissa
May 30th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Thanks for commenting Kissa – tell us more about the lesbian marriage anthology. I haven’t heard of it.
May 30th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Also Kissa – I do chuckle when straight folks say this joke about marriage:
Why shouldn’t they be as miserable as the rest of us?
However, on a more serious note, you just can’t imagine what it’s like to not have the choice to marry who you love. Can you just imagine that for a moment?
Did you read the GLMA report I mention in this post? It’s a good one as it lays out the various negative effects (emotional, financial, etc.) of this type of discrimination.