A fascinating book has just come out that, for once, sheds a positive light on the state of marriage in America.  Hurray for a book that looks at love with the ‘half glass full’ for once.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

Many times when talking with my singles clients, I hear them voice a lack of faith in their ability to attract a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship.  After all it does take patience to find Mz. Right.  Finding Mz. Right takes time, effort, and a willingness to accept rejection.  Finding YOUR Mz. Right takes guts.

And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point.  I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.  And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.

I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’.  If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her.  And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.

So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’.   Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…

One of the things I love most about my work is meeting very interesting people from all over the world.  This past week I had the pleasure of interviewing bisexual author Lara Zelinski, on Coach Sappho’s podcast:

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage.  And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.

During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.

At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection.  The collection includes three volumes:

• Volume I: On Bended Knee
• Volume II: With This Ring
• Volume III: Lives and Wives

Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income.  A true labor of love!

What a great deal:  when you buy this series you are both:

• Getting an amazing book
• Giving back to a very, worthy cause

By the way, I’m buying my Kindle copy right now for the great price of only $3.75!!!

Be sure you let me know how you are enjoying the stories!

Barb

Wow!  This is a story that continues to intrigue.  Chely Wright, country singer, has announced she’s gay.  So, what’s so remarkable about this coming out story?

As Chely just spoke of on the Today Show, there is still a risk in the country music world, and among it’s fans, of being ostracized.  After all, she said, country music has always been associated with god, America and family.

I haven’t read Chely’s new book yet, Like Me: Confessions of a Heartland Country Singer, but it certainly seems a must read.

Chely states (more…)

On Facebook this morning, my bud Kathy Belge over at About.com shared the heart breaking, powerful, and oh-so-real life story of Jonny from Oregon.  I decided to share his video with you today, because of his very powerful, sobering message.

If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.

Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered.  This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.

Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.

Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference.  Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…

Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…

 

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

“Oh, honey, you’re 46 – you have a greater chance of being
slaughtered by a psychopath than finding love.”
- Diane Keaton’s mother in The First Wives Club

Okay, so I’m stuck inside, the weather’s gorgeous and I’d rather be at the pool playing water volleyball right now (instead I had to settle for being Suzy Homemaker – vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen!  Ha!  Burns calories just as well).

I’m on a writing moratorium today. I’m already committed to getting caught up on my articles for One Good Love’s popular E-zine for relationship-minded gays and lesbians.

I’ve got my doggie lying behind me snoring.  Believe it or not, she’s found a new way to cuddle up to me while I work,  She squeezes her – luckily – small body – behind me on the office chair!  Cute, or what?  If only I could find a woman so loyal and into snuggling!  

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Bill Daley of The Chicago Tribune reports a celebrity gay couple has spoken out publicly in response to recent homophobic comments made at a college talk by 2008 presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.

During the talk, Huckabee said he believes gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt.  He dissed gays as parents by complaining that when it comes to parenting children, ‘we aren’t dealing with puppies’.

Well now, there is much I can say about that comment, but, suffice it to say (more…)