• Can incidents like this be prevented in the future?
• What is the true, full story of what led this young man, Jared Lee Loughner, to do what he did?
• How much was the ‘verbal political vitriol’ present in today’s world (and spread more widely/rapidly because of today’s technology, and practiced by some of today’s politicians and entertainment figures) part of the cause, if at all?
• Do we have a failed mental health and/or criminal justice system?
• How do we reconcile the issue of ‘freedom to carry guns’ with the need to provide some level of protection?

I do know this: all of us have an emotional ‘system’ if you will, that includes the tool of anger.  And, if we look at the issue of evolution, it’s true that today is a time where many of us are ‘catching up’ to become more skilled in the healthy acknowledgement and expression of this important emotion.   We can’t, for example, go out and punch someone for a verbal disagreement like some of our ancestors did.

I do know that common wisdom suggests that anger is a positive if it is channeled positively.   But, what leads anger to become a negative?  And when does anger become negative?  What is the difference between healthy control of anger and unhealthy repression?  Is that question even one to consider? 

The bottom line is that encouraging healthy expressions of anger by individuals in today’s world, and preventing and/or early identifying individuals who need help, is vital and something we are far from expert at as a culture.

This is where it gets dicey, because, in the real world there are limits to budgets for mental health systems and there are those who get very, very ‘testy’ (ironically, again, that anger emotion) when you even try to talk about ‘limits’ on gun ownership.  I get tired of people spouting that tired old dictum, ‘it’s not the guns it’s the people’.  Well, let’s get real:  it seems to me the problem with violence in our culture needs attention to BOTH causes of such tragedies:  the sick individual AND the means they have to do damage.  One of the biggest means of doing violence in this world DOES include guns (as well as other weapons).  So we can’t ignore them too.

There is a point when ensuring safety OVER one’s privacy and/or individual freedom to ‘do whatever they want’ is life saving.

I saw a microcosm of the problem of how we shut (and shout) others down on this topic just this morning on the TV show ‘This Week with Christiane Amanpour’.  Amanpour was facilitating a round table, which included guests such as George Will, Donna Brazile and Congressman Dick Armey.  During one interchange Brazile was sharing her opinion (where I think she was suggesting that we need to ask public officials to decrease the rhetoric) and Dick Armey abruptly cut Brazile off and took over the discussion by stating that these sorts of ‘sociological’ explanations (presumably he is referring to what Brazile was trying to say before he cut her off), are not helpful and ‘the explanation lies only in the psychological’.

I think this example is indicative of leaders like Armey who aren’t able to DISCUSS the issue.  Sociological causes may very well be a part of why Loughner did what he did.  Either way, Armey’s ‘cutting off’ of Brazile shows his disrespect of her contribution to the discussion.  His attitude, in my opinion was, ‘don’t consider her opinion, listen to me I’m the one who is right’.

Armey also exhibited his lack of understanding of mental illness and forensics by calling people like Loughner a ‘fruit cake’.  I think this type of name calling is part of the problem of rhetoric using that Brazile is referring to.  We may be very angry ourselves at what Loughner has done.  But, name calling is not helpful to solutions.

I look forward to hearing more about what led Loughner to do what he did as well as ideas on how we can learn from this tragedy.  I hope the experts can get to the bottom of this tragedy so that we can prevent something like this from happening again, at least as much as is possible.

I also want to challenge people like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, Ed Schultz and Lawrence O’Donnell to contribute TO the solution of violence in our culture, not add to it.  Are you out there?  Can you hear me?

Lastly, my heart goes out to all those impacted by the incident.

I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

“Where can we go on our first date?”

“What are the best restaurants in my city for lesbians?”

And I am always meeting couples who ask me,

“We’ve been staying home for so long we don’t know where to go or what to do on our date night.”

“Where can I take my partner to stir up some fun?”

So, what a fun idea to brainstorm ideas right here on Coach Sappho’s blog.

What’s your favorite lesbian date ideas? Where did you and your partner last go on date night and, how did it go?  What’s been your most memorable, cuddly, sexy, fun date, to date!?!

We’d love to read more about your experiences.  Just think – you can suggest other great ideas for lesbian couples in your city and you can learn ideas you’d never have thought of on your own, by reading this list!

Post your ideas right here on the blog!  Thanks!

I love what I do because I know, personally and professionally, how important love is to all of us.  Research is showing, more and more, how vital a healthy, happy love relationship is to a person’s quality of life.  This is all the more reason it’s important to fight for our relationship rights.  We deserve to have access to the experience of marriage, which is an opportunity unlike any other for finding the ultimate romantic fulfillment.

Yes, people like to joke about the fervor with which many gays and lesbians wish to be married.  Straight comedians like to say, ‘I’m for gay marriage – Why not let gays and lesbians have all the hassle of marriage too!?!’.  Well, they have a point, but, ultimately they are speaking from a much different perspective from which I come: they’ve never NOT had the right to marry who they want to marry.  Big difference!

People who don’t ‘get’ it also don’t get that it’s NOT just about our individual rights.  When a person is able to freely pursue their happiness fully, the entire society benefits.  People who are fully supported with a caring, loving relationship at home are more likely to be productive at work, use less health care, contribute positively to other relationships and their communities, etc.

I want to be as vocal and confident as Dan Choi is (as he talks about military matters) when it comes to telling society to drop the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ attitude towards our right to love.  How about you?

How did Dan Choi become so confident and eloquent in his ability to break through barriers and advance the conversation about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’? I believe Dan has spent some quality time brushing up on his ‘Inner Game’,  just as lesbians need to do when it comes to their romantic life.  I also believe the challenge of his experiences – being in the closet on the job, being outed and being ousted for being gay – have helped him develop the inner strength to find the courage to speak out.

Your beliefs and feelings about yourself, about being a lesbian, about lesbian sexuality, etc., will dictate how you approach dating and mating.  For example, if you aren’t open with your straight family and friends about your partner when it comes to sharing aspects of your ‘coupled’ life that typical straight folk talk about, chances are your love relationship is suffering the effects.

Or, if you are single, but no one in your family and none of your straight friends know, how are they going to fix you up with Mz. Right???

Straight singles and couples benefit greatly (in large and small ways) by just being who they are with other family members.  Straight singles get some well-needed sympathy and support from others, while going through the experience of being alone, re-entering the dating world, navigating divorce, etc.

Straight couples can ‘kvetch’ to family about current stresses and, it’s oh-so-nice to get anniversary cards every year to remind each of you that your relationship is recognized and, it exists!

That’s what your goal needs to be: to feel this comfortable sharing with family and your closest friends.

So, Barb, you say, what do you do if you aren’t yet ‘out’ to your family or your family has given signals they aren’t happy about you ‘flaunting your lifestyle in their face’? Well, you need to begin somewhere.  Each person’s situation is different.  If you’d like some help specific to your situation, contact me to discuss.  Don’t leave this one to a book or ‘well meaning’ friends.

For most of us, the way our family is treating us today, is the result of what we have been allowing.  That’s right!  So, what I mean is that there is probably something you can do to improve your ability to be more authentic with your family.

It all begins with you being willing to be more authentic with yourself…

More to come!

Photo:  courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

Barb met Paula several years ago as both are life coaches who specialize in working with lesbian women. Paula’s story is unique in that she followed her heart and successfully left corporate America to create a career she loves.

Paula will be sharing the process she’s created to help her business and personal clients, called Life Alchemy™.  She’ll share how she came to develop the process; what is unique about the way she helps women reinvent their lives and careers; the biggest barriers she sees women struggling with, especially lesbian women, when it comes to succeeding on one’s own terms professionally and more.

Be sure to set aside this hour now and give yourself some nurturing.  Particularly if you are bored, frustrated or hating your current job, you will want to tune in!  Men and women invited.

Click here to bookmark the podcast page now!

Sleep?  Sleep, you ask?  What’s sleep got to do with your stress levels or your partner’s insensitivity?

Well, it turns out that your sleep habits have A LOT to do with the quality of your daytime, i.e.: awake life!  There are no ifs, ands or buts on this one.  I remember the tale of the college students who almost went insane during a research experiment that deprived them of sleep.  Earlier research like this showed us how important quality and quantity of sleep is to one’s mental health.

Researchers are also discovering how important quality sleep is to our physical health.  I was talking with a nutritionist yesterday who reminded me (as I’ve heard before), that when we don’t sleep enough hours during certain times of the night, our bodies release stress hormones that help us GAIN weight.  That’s right - gain weight.  Yikes!  Not something most of us desire.

I read a study this week that found seven hours is the optimum number of hours of sleep a night we need for our body to restore itself properly.  And, surprise: guess what?  If you are sleeping more than eight hours of night, that’s not good either.

So, while we may focus on our partner’s communication problem, how about looking at how each of you are doing in the sleep department:

• Is one of you up at night worrying about how you aren’t getting along, or about stress at work?
• Is one of you snoring and keeping the other awake?

Perhaps your daytime sleepiness is making one or both of you just irritable or impatient enough to block your ability to talk through the normal stresses of the day.  Hmmm….interesting subject is it not:  getting your zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s….

Post your concerns about sleep, insomnia, etc., right here on Coach Sappho’s Blog

I hope you’ll post your experiences and frustrations with sleep hygiene, right here on the blog. You see, our relationship with sleep has changed dramatically in the past 100 years or so, with the invention of electricity, the light bulb, shift work, etc.  Our bodies haven’t evolved to keep up.  For hundreds of thousands of years prior to now, humans followed the sun instead of artificial light.  They went to bed when it got dark and woke up when the sun came up.

In today’s world, it can be ever more challenging setting and maintaining good sleep habits.  After all, how many of us are guilty of staying up late to get one more thing done on the ever growing ‘to do’ list?  Or, how many of us are up late ‘playing’ online on a gaming site, instant messaging, watching a great movie, etc.?

I heard someone say recently that we are more ‘connected but less engaged’ than ever.  It’s true.  We are more driven to distraction than ever, especially due to all of the ‘techie toys’ available today.  I think this holds true for us and our relationships with ourselves as well.

For example: You may feel like you are more ‘connected’ than ever, to people, information, etc.  But, isn’t all of this connection too much at times?  I know I sometimes have to say ‘hey wait, I can’t take in any more!’

I recall Thomas Leonard, the late ‘father of modern life coaching’ who used to say that in today’s world our mental bandwidth will be exceeded.  Amen, Thomas, you were so, so, right.  The problem today is not getting the information you need, it’s what information, when, etc.  We do need ‘filters’.  Otherwise we become increasingly fatigued, frustrated and, UNABLE TO SLEEP!

Please join me on my next ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ live podcast, next week on Thursday, September 2, 2010 at 4p ET, where I’ll be talking more about identifying sleep issues and ‘getting quality zzzz’s'/improving your sleep habits.  Bottom line:  the topic is NOT bland.  Getting proper sleep is sexy and healthy stuff!

Photo courtesy of BigStockPhoto.com

Here’s a recap of this week’s highlights:

• I was interviewed by Rachel Hardy, LA’s Holistic Health Examiner, and quoted in her article on my reactions to the overturn of Prop 8 in California.
• Donna Lee and I interviewed filmmaker Lisa Marie Evans on Coach Sappho’s ‘GLBT Talk’ Podcast.  Be sure to check out the recording and Lisa’s website.  And, the good news is that Lisa is still taking video entries for her documentary until 9/1/10, so be sure to get yours in to her.  She’s going to give credit to everyone she puts into the film.
• I’m actively ‘heart hunting’ for single lesbians who are ‘ready for love’ across the U.S. and specifically in the Dallas, Texas and Maryland/Washington D.C./Virginia areas right now.  Don’t know if you are ready for a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship? It’s easy to take your ‘pulse’ on that right now.  Just click here to take my free quiz.

Lastly, getting back to the Prop 8/marriage equality issue, I’ve been reading in the news how poorly folks are responding to recent anti-marriage equality efforts.  I won’t even say the name of groups protesting equality, and I hesitated to even mention this negativity, misplaced intentions (or whatever you call it) but, I wanted to let you know that fairness and truth wins out eventually.

Glenn Beck Okay with Marriage Equality?

Interestingly, even Glenn Beck, of all people, is starting to sound rational on the gay marriage issue.  Be sure you check out Bill O’Reilly interviewing Beck recently on the culture wars.  Beck ‘gets it’ that this country has much bigger problems to focus on, and, perhaps some folks are just a bit too paranoid about ‘the gays’!  Wow!

Why We Love Our Golden Girls – A Show Ahead of it’s Time

Did you see Betty White making the rounds on late night TV this past week?  I want to thank a friend here in Ocala, Florida who shared the following classic ‘take’ from the Golden Girls.  This cute, funny clip dealt ‘head on’ with the issue of marriage equality.  Hard to believe isn’t it, that these lovely ladies were broaching sensitive subjects such as gay rights and marriage equality, way back in the mid 1980′s to early 1990′s.

Certainly, the Golden Girls TV show was ‘ahead of it’s time’.  Who knows how many small ‘acts’ like this have added up, over the years, to create the momentum towards equality we are seeing today.

Lesbiandating.net just named Coach Sappho the #2 blog of the

41 Best LGBT Lifestyles and Dating Blogs

This is fun stuff.  Be sure to surf on over to lesbiandating.net and check it out!  We’re also considered a ‘must read’.

Thank you to the folks at lesbiandating.net for giving us this recognition.

The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce.  I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.

According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:

To be deprived of a franchise, privilege or right

As a survivor of gay divorce myself, I can tell you it’s true.  First off, most lesbians aren’t able to legally marry.  This means society doesn’t recognize or acknowledge your committed relationship on a level equal to legal marriage.  So, if your relationship ends, so what?  Socially, this sets up some big time ‘pain’ for many lesbians.  Straight people take for granted the respect and sympathy they automatically receive when they are going through the stresses of divorce.

For example, I know plenty of lesbians grieving a painful breakup without the support of family because they’ve never even told their family they were IN a committed relationship.  Or, more likely, a lesbian’s family does know but doesn’t equally support their daughter like they would if she’d been married to (and divorced) a man.

Then there are the financial issues.  Straight folk take for granted the support of the legal system in it’s ability to help there be a ‘fair’ distribution of shared assets.  Unless you and your ex set up a system to ensure fairness, chances are you have no recourse.  Many times the less financially savvy or powerful partner in a couple loses out.  And, there are cases where the one who came into the relationship more financially sound is taken to the cleaners.

And, now that gay marriage is increasingly being voted into law across the country, there are new wrinkles to consider.  For example, if you were married in one state and try to divorce in a state that doesn’t recognize same sex marriage, then what?

These are all reasons why it’s wise for you to:

• Do all you can to be choosy about who you select as your life partner
• Make a true, mutual commitment to each other
• Nurture your committed relationship, so that it doesn’t end.

Stay tuned for future posts for my thoughts on these issues.  

Call to action (this is where you come in!): Have you ever gone through a breakup?  If so, what have been your experiences with them?  Are you going through a gay divorce?  I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and let us know.

I hope you won’t just read my blog.  I want you to INTERACT with it (and me).  Your life will improve as a result.

The topic of today’s post is closely related to lesbian love drama, btw. This week a study broke in the media on the ‘divorce virus’.  Divorce virus, you say?  Yes.

The study, led by James Fowler, is a retrospective longitudinal one, meaning they looked at data from other studies such as the Framingham Heart Study.  The study found that relationship breakups can be as contagious as the flu…

I’m not surprised, I’ve been suspecting this phenomenon for a long time now.  For example, there are other well known studies that show those whose parents divorced are at a higher risk of divorcing too.  Fowler’s study found the same effect may be true in friendship circles, meaning friends do highly influence us.  I think this effect is even more heightened because of social networking sites like Facebook.

One of the more intriguing results of the study concerned the universal nature of this phenomenon: the spreading of this kind of  ‘flu’ is psychological, meaning, it’s not dependent on you being geographically close to be infected by it.  For example, if Aunt Flo in Detroit (whom you love very much), is feeling much better after leaving her husband, if your relationship is troubled, you may be more tempted to leave your partner (yes, it’s true!) than you would have been if Aunt Flo hadn’t left dear old Uncle Claude (or if she’d left but found her situation worse since she divorced him).

So why am I mentioning this somewhat sobering information? Because you need to know the truth. There are negative consequences to divorce, breakups and ‘serial monogamy’. You need to know what the risk factors are, just like you now know about smoking and eating patterns.

What can you do to protect yourself from the divorce virus? If you are single, choose partners more wisely.  Balance your head and heart in choosing a partner.  If he or she has a history (or pattern) of divorce or relationship breakups, find out why.

If you are in a relationship, learn all you can about preserving your relationship.  And, surround yourself as much as you can with couples who STAY together.  Deepen your friendships with them.  Ultimately, the strength of your relationship is dependent on BOTH of you taking care to prevent the ‘illness’.  So, you, as an individual, should include in ‘innoculating’ yourself, doing all you can to become and remain resilient.

On a larger level, health care and public health professionals and policy makers need to build into our communities ways for us to become more supportive of relationships.  This is not communism, it makes good sense.   Every time a relationship doesn’t endure, we all suffer.  What affects one family affects all families, all communities and the world.