The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce.  I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.

According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:

To be deprived of a franchise, privilege or right

As a survivor of gay divorce myself, I can tell you it’s true.  First off, most lesbians aren’t able to legally marry.  This means society doesn’t recognize or acknowledge your committed relationship on a level equal to legal marriage.  So, if your relationship ends, so what?  Socially, this sets up some big time ‘pain’ for many lesbians.  Straight people take for granted the respect and sympathy they automatically receive when they are going through the stresses of divorce.

For example, I know plenty of lesbians grieving a painful breakup without the support of family because they’ve never even told their family they were IN a committed relationship.  Or, more likely, a lesbian’s family does know but doesn’t equally support their daughter like they would if she’d been married to (and divorced) a man.

Then there are the financial issues.  Straight folk take for granted the support of the legal system in it’s ability to help there be a ‘fair’ distribution of shared assets.  Unless you and your ex set up a system to ensure fairness, chances are you have no recourse.  Many times the less financially savvy or powerful partner in a couple loses out.  And, there are cases where the one who came into the relationship more financially sound is taken to the cleaners.

And, now that gay marriage is increasingly being voted into law across the country, there are new wrinkles to consider.  For example, if you were married in one state and try to divorce in a state that doesn’t recognize same sex marriage, then what?

These are all reasons why it’s wise for you to:

• Do all you can to be choosy about who you select as your life partner
• Make a true, mutual commitment to each other
• Nurture your committed relationship, so that it doesn’t end.

Stay tuned for future posts for my thoughts on these issues.  

Call to action (this is where you come in!): Have you ever gone through a breakup?  If so, what have been your experiences with them?  Are you going through a gay divorce?  I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and let us know.

I hope you won’t just read my blog.  I want you to INTERACT with it (and me).  Your life will improve as a result.

The topic of today’s post is closely related to lesbian love drama, btw. This week a study broke in the media on the ‘divorce virus’.  Divorce virus, you say?  Yes.

The study, led by James Fowler, is a retrospective longitudinal one, meaning they looked at data from other studies such as the Framingham Heart Study.  The study found that relationship breakups can be as contagious as the flu…

I’m not surprised, I’ve been suspecting this phenomenon for a long time now.  For example, there are other well known studies that show those whose parents divorced are at a higher risk of divorcing too.  Fowler’s study found the same effect may be true in friendship circles, meaning friends do highly influence us.  I think this effect is even more heightened because of social networking sites like Facebook.

One of the more intriguing results of the study concerned the universal nature of this phenomenon: the spreading of this kind of  ‘flu’ is psychological, meaning, it’s not dependent on you being geographically close to be infected by it.  For example, if Aunt Flo in Detroit (whom you love very much), is feeling much better after leaving her husband, if your relationship is troubled, you may be more tempted to leave your partner (yes, it’s true!) than you would have been if Aunt Flo hadn’t left dear old Uncle Claude (or if she’d left but found her situation worse since she divorced him).

So why am I mentioning this somewhat sobering information? Because you need to know the truth. There are negative consequences to divorce, breakups and ’serial monogamy’. You need to know what the risk factors are, just like you now know about smoking and eating patterns.

What can you do to protect yourself from the divorce virus? If you are single, choose partners more wisely.  Balance your head and heart in choosing a partner.  If he or she has a history (or pattern) of divorce or relationship breakups, find out why.

If you are in a relationship, learn all you can about preserving your relationship.  And, surround yourself as much as you can with couples who STAY together.  Deepen your friendships with them.  Ultimately, the strength of your relationship is dependent on BOTH of you taking care to prevent the ‘illness’.  So, you, as an individual, should include in ‘innoculating’ yourself, doing all you can to become and remain resilient.

On a larger level, health care and public health professionals and policy makers need to build into our communities ways for us to become more supportive of relationships.  This is not communism, it makes good sense.   Every time a relationship doesn’t endure, we all suffer.  What affects one family affects all families, all communities and the world.

Woody offers monthly teleseminars on a range of financial topics and he’s licensed in many states to offer financial assistance.  Partnership Wealth Management’s complimentary July Webinar will be held on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 (12 noon – 1:00pm EST) and will focus on Women and Investing.  Please call Loury Davis at 410-732-2733 for more details and to reserve your space today!

You can also check out Woody’s website by clicking here.

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Okay, here’s Woody’s article…

Market Pullback – Not a Financial Crisis

By Woody Derricks, President, Partnership Wealth Management
410-732-2633

On Thursday, May 6, 2010, the stock market, as measured by the S&P 500, expanded its recent pullback with a vengeance as it dropped over 3% for the day after rallying from midday declines of almost 10%.   While fear was certainly the undertone for the day, the big declines and subsequent rally happened all within an hour.  Although the point damage was largely mitigated, uncertainty and concern remain entrenched in the market.

While the catalyst for the large decline was attributed to an apparent trading error that triggered a technical selloff, it was the uncertain environment regarding the fiscal crisis of several countries in Southern Europe that has created the negative backdrop for the market. Concern over the bailout of Greece has been widely reported, but the emerging anxiety of the market is the potential contagion of Greece’s fiscal deficit issues to other European countries and perhaps beyond.  The very real concern is if Europe will once again teeter back into the realm of recession, which could have negative impacts to the export portion of U.S. multi-national companies, certainly has the equity markets nervous.

While the fiscal crisis of Greece and other Southern European countries creates market uncertainty, it is important to remember that the events are the after-effects of the 2008 financial crisis and not the start of a new financial crisis.  Greece is not alone—it is one of many companies, families, individuals and now even countries that have been causalities of the recent recession.  Whether it was a job loss, a home foreclosure, rising debt, the need to cut back on spending or a national fiscal crisis as it is for Greece, there have been many negative consequences resulting from the most severe recession in almost 80 years.  That said, these negative events are the effects of the financial crisis we have just been through and not the cause of another new wave of credit concerns and another financial market collapse.

While fear is always an unwelcomed emotion, investing fear may create opportunity.  Since the recovery began back in early March 2009, the S&P 500 has risen approximately 70%, but not in a straight line.  In fact, along the ascent, there have been four pullbacks ranging from 5% to 10%, including this most recent market selloff.  I would argue that the selloff is not the result of increasing bad news, but rather the market became priced for perfection and perfection was unrealistic.  After huge market gains over the last year, expectations grew greater and greater.  The bar continued to be raised until the point where, regardless of how strong the economic backdrop was, expectations were greater than reality.  The result was a reset in expectations and a pullback in the market. Greece happened to be the catalyst, but the trigger could have been any report or event that did not meet the market’s expectations of near perfection.  The fact remains that pullbacks, like the one we are currently in the midst of, are healthy as they serve to reset expectations and re-engage nervous, profit-taking bulls back into a recovery.

When wondering how to react to times like these from an investment perspective, let’s not forget the fact that the market plunged on what appears to be a trading error and then corrected itself all within an hour.  This indicates a market demonstrating stability, not in a freefall.  This does not mean we will not get pullbacks and market hiccups like we are experiencing now, as these are both needed to establish a balance between buyers and sellers and to support future, healthy market advances.

Sometimes in periods of fear, investors and the market itself can lose the forest through the trees.  While the fiscal problem in Greece, the Goldman Sachs testimony discussions with Congress, and concerns arising from a global tightening of monetary policy have stolen much of the headlines as of late, a full view of the “forest” would show that the overall economy continues to improve.  One piece of evidence was released on May 7, 2010 in the April 2010 employment report.  The U.S. economy lost a total of 8.4 million jobs since the start of the recession highlighted by 22 consecutive months of job losses, but we have added jobs in 5 of the last 6 months to the tune of 528,000 new jobs.  In the end, the economic backdrop is on the mend.

The bottom line is that there is a big difference between a pullback and a financial crisis.  And there is an even bigger difference between how the market reacts to events that cause a crisis (Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, and the credit crisis of 2008) and those events that are the aftershocks of a severe recession, like the situation unfolding in Greece and Southern Europe.  There is also a difference between the two definitions of risk: danger and opportunity.  We would argue that the latter is far more likely than the former at these levels in the market and at this stage of the market recovery.

With a little patience, the commitment to a well thought out investment plan and a willingness to follow Warren Buffet’s sage advice to “be greedy when others are fearful and fearful when others are greedy” could result in turning the tone of this market pullback from danger to opportunity.  The selloff we are experiencing, which is the fourth one since the market bottom of March 2009, serves as a reset of market expectations.  It could provide the next springboard for the market to rally to higher levels over the coming months before running into the growing headwinds of rising rates, contested mid-term elections, and tougher year-over-year earnings comparisons for companies later in the year. For now, the market is in the midst of a good, old-fashioned pullback and this is not the start of a financial crisis.  As such, we feel that the mending economic backdrop supports cautious opportunistic investing at these levels in the markets.

The Standard & Poor’s 500 Index is a capitalization-weighted index of 500 stocks designed to measure performance of the broad domestic economy through changes in the aggregate market value of 500 stocks representing all major industries.

This research material has been prepared by LPL Financial. The opinions voiced in this material are for general information only and are not intended to provide specific advice or recommendations for any individual. To determine which investment(s) may be appropriate for you, consult your financial advisor prior to investing. All performance referenced is historical and is no guarantee of future results. All indices are unmanaged and cannot be invested into directly.

Securities offered through LPL Financial, Member FINRA/SIPC, 641618, 05/11

One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point.  I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.  And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.

I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’.  If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her.  And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.

So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’.   Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage.  And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.

During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.

At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection.  The collection includes three volumes:

• Volume I: On Bended Knee
• Volume II: With This Ring
• Volume III: Lives and Wives

Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income.  A true labor of love!

What a great deal:  when you buy this series you are both:

• Getting an amazing book
• Giving back to a very, worthy cause

By the way, I’m buying my Kindle copy right now for the great price of only $3.75!!!

Be sure you let me know how you are enjoying the stories!

Barb

If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.

Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered.  This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.

Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.

Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference.  Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…

Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

During the talk, Huckabee said he believes gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt.  He dissed gays as parents by complaining that when it comes to parenting children, ‘we aren’t dealing with puppies’.

Well now, there is much I can say about that comment, but, suffice it to say there is a study out there (I’ll try to find it if you insist) that actually found the best parents, over lesbians and straights, were gay men!  And, I’m not even exploring the issue of who the better pet parents are! 

The couple, Steve McDonagh and Dan Smith, have been together 13 years and parent an adopted son.  McDonagh turned the proverbial cheek and approached Huckabee by stating,

“You may know me from Food Network. My partner, Dan Smith, and I are The Hearty Boys. We’re Chicago caterers, restaurateurs, cookbook authors and most importantly, dads. Dan and I have been in a stable, monogamous, loving, positive, nurturing and healthy relationship for 13 years. We were blessed to adopt our son, Nate, at his birth 4 1/2 years ago.

“Sir, your comments likening my parenting my son to adopting a pet are beyond hurtful and dangerous. My love, passion and commitment to Nate is not one iota different than what you have for John Mark, David and Sarah. Our son is loved and cared for just as much. He feels just as loved and cared for. He is a happy, well adjusted little guy whom I fiercely love.

“Mr. Huckabee, I invite you to spend the evening with us at our home in Chicago next time you come through. You need to understand and see firsthand what a family like ours is like. We are no less a family than yours, and in fact, we are healthier and more stable than most.”

I will be very surprised if Huckabee accepts the Hearty Boy’s invitation and shows up for dinner.  If he does, I sure hope the Hearty Boys report what happened during the meeting to the world.

Thanks to Dan and Steve for taking such a brave, public stand.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and see if you are ready for love!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

However, what about when things aren’t going so swimmingly? This is truly where we separate the men from the boys, or, the happy versus unhappy couples.  You see, it seems how we handle the difficult moments in our relationship – when we are feeling not-so-playful or positive,  such as when we are frustrated, angry or feel some type of negativity towards our partner or our relationship – determines whether we (and our partner) will continue to feel positive about our relationship and emotionally invest in it…or not!

John Gottman coined this very useful idea, this visual of ‘kicking around the soccer ball’, after observing thousands of gay and straight couples in his notorious love lab.  Gottman discovered there is a big difference between…

• the couples who have ‘mastered’ handling conflict and
• those couples whose behavior, when it comes to negatively-charged situations, incites an escalation of the conflict, withdrawal in one or both partners, etc.

Couples who handle conflict well kick problems and disagreements around ‘like playing with a soccer ball’.  How does this ‘play’ itself out behaviorally? 

Lesbian couples who play verbal soccer tend to look at disagreements as

• ‘outside of themselves’
• something they need to ‘kick around’ and look at to either make light of, make a game of, better understand, etc.

Couples who do not play verbal soccer when they disagree tend to

• blame the conflict on something inside their partner or themselves (or both)
• not be able to see (or consider) any perspective other than their own

The bottom line for lesbian couples is that when you don’t know how to play, chances are you are DOING things in your interactions with each other that sabotage the good feelings you share.  And, when that occurs, you start to disconnect, even if it only begins at a very subtle level.

Over time, these negative behaviors can create a wide gulf between you and, the next thing you know you are playing on opposite teams instead of the same team!

How are you doing? Even if you aren’t coupled, it’s important to look at all of your most important relationships and assess how well the two of you are handling your conflicts.  Gottman’s research also indicates that conflict isn’t the problem: even happy couples argue.  It’s how we handle the more frequent, small, negative interactions we have, as well as the unresolvable problems we share that determines whether we remain happy together or, if we even stay together!

So, the next time you ‘butt heads’ with someone you care about, your best option is to ‘head butt’ the ball onto the playing field and coax your partner to ‘play along’!  

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.