“Where can we go on our first date?”

“What are the best restaurants in my city for lesbians?”

And I am always meeting couples who ask me,

“We’ve been staying home for so long we don’t know where to go or what to do on our date night.”

“Where can I take my partner to stir up some fun?”

So, what a fun idea to brainstorm ideas right here on Coach Sappho’s blog.

What’s your favorite lesbian date ideas? Where did you and your partner last go on date night and, how did it go?  What’s been your most memorable, cuddly, sexy, fun date, to date!?!

We’d love to read more about your experiences.  Just think – you can suggest other great ideas for lesbian couples in your city and you can learn ideas you’d never have thought of on your own, by reading this list!

Post your ideas right here on the blog!  Thanks!

I love what I do because I know, personally and professionally, how important love is to all of us.  Research is showing, more and more, how vital a healthy, happy love relationship is to a person’s quality of life.  This is all the more reason it’s important to fight for our relationship rights.  We deserve to have access to the experience of marriage, which is an opportunity unlike any other for finding the ultimate romantic fulfillment.

Yes, people like to joke about the fervor with which many gays and lesbians wish to be married.  Straight comedians like to say, ‘I’m for gay marriage – Why not let gays and lesbians have all the hassle of marriage too!?!’.  Well, they have a point, but, ultimately they are speaking from a much different perspective from which I come: they’ve never NOT had the right to marry who they want to marry.  Big difference!

People who don’t ‘get’ it also don’t get that it’s NOT just about our individual rights.  When a person is able to freely pursue their happiness fully, the entire society benefits.  People who are fully supported with a caring, loving relationship at home are more likely to be productive at work, use less health care, contribute positively to other relationships and their communities, etc.

I want to be as vocal and confident as Dan Choi is (as he talks about military matters) when it comes to telling society to drop the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ attitude towards our right to love.  How about you?

How did Dan Choi become so confident and eloquent in his ability to break through barriers and advance the conversation about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’? I believe Dan has spent some quality time brushing up on his ‘Inner Game’,  just as lesbians need to do when it comes to their romantic life.  I also believe the challenge of his experiences – being in the closet on the job, being outed and being ousted for being gay – have helped him develop the inner strength to find the courage to speak out.

Your beliefs and feelings about yourself, about being a lesbian, about lesbian sexuality, etc., will dictate how you approach dating and mating.  For example, if you aren’t open with your straight family and friends about your partner when it comes to sharing aspects of your ‘coupled’ life that typical straight folk talk about, chances are your love relationship is suffering the effects.

Or, if you are single, but no one in your family and none of your straight friends know, how are they going to fix you up with Mz. Right???

Straight singles and couples benefit greatly (in large and small ways) by just being who they are with other family members.  Straight singles get some well-needed sympathy and support from others, while going through the experience of being alone, re-entering the dating world, navigating divorce, etc.

Straight couples can ‘kvetch’ to family about current stresses and, it’s oh-so-nice to get anniversary cards every year to remind each of you that your relationship is recognized and, it exists!

That’s what your goal needs to be: to feel this comfortable sharing with family and your closest friends.

So, Barb, you say, what do you do if you aren’t yet ‘out’ to your family or your family has given signals they aren’t happy about you ‘flaunting your lifestyle in their face’? Well, you need to begin somewhere.  Each person’s situation is different.  If you’d like some help specific to your situation, contact me to discuss.  Don’t leave this one to a book or ‘well meaning’ friends.

For most of us, the way our family is treating us today, is the result of what we have been allowing.  That’s right!  So, what I mean is that there is probably something you can do to improve your ability to be more authentic with your family.

It all begins with you being willing to be more authentic with yourself…

More to come!

Photo:  courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

OR, perhaps you want to ask out that special someone you’ve just met (or someone you’ve been admiring for awhile now, from afar).  Now what…

It’s time to go on your first date!

It’s as simple as that, right!?!  Exciting?  Nerve-wracking?  Doesn’t have to be.  Not with Coach Sappho’s tips for great first dates.

First off, you want to start by feeling confident, on the outside and on the inside, for the experience.  Dating is a numbers game, particularly if your goal is finding your Mz. Right.  More importantly, dating is meant to be fun too, so that’s the attitude you must have towards it.  If you are too heavy about the experience, you will defeat your purpose.  Pushing to meet Mz. Right will drive her right away.

So if we take a look at outer topics, that means issues such as your appearance and how you present yourself.  On the inside, that means being aware of all of those emotional and mental elements Coach Sappho has oodles of information and support about, to guide you in gradually zeroing in on a woman you fit well with, not only in the short run, but for the long haul!

So, stay tuned for my next post, where I’ll share tips on preparing for that first date!

Sleep?  Sleep, you ask?  What’s sleep got to do with your stress levels or your partner’s insensitivity?

Well, it turns out that your sleep habits have A LOT to do with the quality of your daytime, i.e.: awake life!  There are no ifs, ands or buts on this one.  I remember the tale of the college students who almost went insane during a research experiment that deprived them of sleep.  Earlier research like this showed us how important quality and quantity of sleep is to one’s mental health.

Researchers are also discovering how important quality sleep is to our physical health.  I was talking with a nutritionist yesterday who reminded me (as I’ve heard before), that when we don’t sleep enough hours during certain times of the night, our bodies release stress hormones that help us GAIN weight.  That’s right - gain weight.  Yikes!  Not something most of us desire.

I read a study this week that found seven hours is the optimum number of hours of sleep a night we need for our body to restore itself properly.  And, surprise: guess what?  If you are sleeping more than eight hours of night, that’s not good either.

So, while we may focus on our partner’s communication problem, how about looking at how each of you are doing in the sleep department:

• Is one of you up at night worrying about how you aren’t getting along, or about stress at work?
• Is one of you snoring and keeping the other awake?

Perhaps your daytime sleepiness is making one or both of you just irritable or impatient enough to block your ability to talk through the normal stresses of the day.  Hmmm….interesting subject is it not:  getting your zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s….

Post your concerns about sleep, insomnia, etc., right here on Coach Sappho’s Blog

I hope you’ll post your experiences and frustrations with sleep hygiene, right here on the blog. You see, our relationship with sleep has changed dramatically in the past 100 years or so, with the invention of electricity, the light bulb, shift work, etc.  Our bodies haven’t evolved to keep up.  For hundreds of thousands of years prior to now, humans followed the sun instead of artificial light.  They went to bed when it got dark and woke up when the sun came up.

In today’s world, it can be ever more challenging setting and maintaining good sleep habits.  After all, how many of us are guilty of staying up late to get one more thing done on the ever growing ‘to do’ list?  Or, how many of us are up late ‘playing’ online on a gaming site, instant messaging, watching a great movie, etc.?

I heard someone say recently that we are more ‘connected but less engaged’ than ever.  It’s true.  We are more driven to distraction than ever, especially due to all of the ‘techie toys’ available today.  I think this holds true for us and our relationships with ourselves as well.

For example: You may feel like you are more ‘connected’ than ever, to people, information, etc.  But, isn’t all of this connection too much at times?  I know I sometimes have to say ‘hey wait, I can’t take in any more!’

I recall Thomas Leonard, the late ‘father of modern life coaching’ who used to say that in today’s world our mental bandwidth will be exceeded.  Amen, Thomas, you were so, so, right.  The problem today is not getting the information you need, it’s what information, when, etc.  We do need ‘filters’.  Otherwise we become increasingly fatigued, frustrated and, UNABLE TO SLEEP!

Please join me on my next ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ live podcast, next week on Thursday, September 2, 2010 at 4p ET, where I’ll be talking more about identifying sleep issues and ‘getting quality zzzz’s'/improving your sleep habits.  Bottom line:  the topic is NOT bland.  Getting proper sleep is sexy and healthy stuff!

Photo courtesy of BigStockPhoto.com

Here’s a recap of this week’s highlights:

• I was interviewed by Rachel Hardy, LA’s Holistic Health Examiner, and quoted in her article on my reactions to the overturn of Prop 8 in California.
• Donna Lee and I interviewed filmmaker Lisa Marie Evans on Coach Sappho’s ‘GLBT Talk’ Podcast.  Be sure to check out the recording and Lisa’s website.  And, the good news is that Lisa is still taking video entries for her documentary until 9/1/10, so be sure to get yours in to her.  She’s going to give credit to everyone she puts into the film.
• I’m actively ‘heart hunting’ for single lesbians who are ‘ready for love’ across the U.S. and specifically in the Dallas, Texas and Maryland/Washington D.C./Virginia areas right now.  Don’t know if you are ready for a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship? It’s easy to take your ‘pulse’ on that right now.  Just click here to take my free quiz.

Lastly, getting back to the Prop 8/marriage equality issue, I’ve been reading in the news how poorly folks are responding to recent anti-marriage equality efforts.  I won’t even say the name of groups protesting equality, and I hesitated to even mention this negativity, misplaced intentions (or whatever you call it) but, I wanted to let you know that fairness and truth wins out eventually.

Glenn Beck Okay with Marriage Equality?

Interestingly, even Glenn Beck, of all people, is starting to sound rational on the gay marriage issue.  Be sure you check out Bill O’Reilly interviewing Beck recently on the culture wars.  Beck ‘gets it’ that this country has much bigger problems to focus on, and, perhaps some folks are just a bit too paranoid about ‘the gays’!  Wow!

Why We Love Our Golden Girls – A Show Ahead of it’s Time

Did you see Betty White making the rounds on late night TV this past week?  I want to thank a friend here in Ocala, Florida who shared the following classic ‘take’ from the Golden Girls.  This cute, funny clip dealt ‘head on’ with the issue of marriage equality.  Hard to believe isn’t it, that these lovely ladies were broaching sensitive subjects such as gay rights and marriage equality, way back in the mid 1980′s to early 1990′s.

Certainly, the Golden Girls TV show was ‘ahead of it’s time’.  Who knows how many small ‘acts’ like this have added up, over the years, to create the momentum towards equality we are seeing today.

Lesbiandating.net just named Coach Sappho the #2 blog of the

41 Best LGBT Lifestyles and Dating Blogs

This is fun stuff.  Be sure to surf on over to lesbiandating.net and check it out!  We’re also considered a ‘must read’.

Thank you to the folks at lesbiandating.net for giving us this recognition.

The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce.  I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.

According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:

To be deprived of a franchise, privilege or right

As a survivor of gay divorce myself, I can tell you it’s true.  First off, most lesbians aren’t able to legally marry.  This means society doesn’t recognize or acknowledge your committed relationship on a level equal to legal marriage.  So, if your relationship ends, so what?  Socially, this sets up some big time ‘pain’ for many lesbians.  Straight people take for granted the respect and sympathy they automatically receive when they are going through the stresses of divorce.

For example, I know plenty of lesbians grieving a painful breakup without the support of family because they’ve never even told their family they were IN a committed relationship.  Or, more likely, a lesbian’s family does know but doesn’t equally support their daughter like they would if she’d been married to (and divorced) a man.

Then there are the financial issues.  Straight folk take for granted the support of the legal system in it’s ability to help there be a ‘fair’ distribution of shared assets.  Unless you and your ex set up a system to ensure fairness, chances are you have no recourse.  Many times the less financially savvy or powerful partner in a couple loses out.  And, there are cases where the one who came into the relationship more financially sound is taken to the cleaners.

And, now that gay marriage is increasingly being voted into law across the country, there are new wrinkles to consider.  For example, if you were married in one state and try to divorce in a state that doesn’t recognize same sex marriage, then what?

These are all reasons why it’s wise for you to:

• Do all you can to be choosy about who you select as your life partner
• Make a true, mutual commitment to each other
• Nurture your committed relationship, so that it doesn’t end.

Stay tuned for future posts for my thoughts on these issues.  

Call to action (this is where you come in!): Have you ever gone through a breakup?  If so, what have been your experiences with them?  Are you going through a gay divorce?  I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and let us know.

I hope you won’t just read my blog.  I want you to INTERACT with it (and me).  Your life will improve as a result.

The topic of today’s post is closely related to lesbian love drama, btw. This week a study broke in the media on the ‘divorce virus’.  Divorce virus, you say?  Yes.

The study, led by James Fowler, is a retrospective longitudinal one, meaning they looked at data from other studies such as the Framingham Heart Study.  The study found that relationship breakups can be as contagious as the flu…

I’m not surprised, I’ve been suspecting this phenomenon for a long time now.  For example, there are other well known studies that show those whose parents divorced are at a higher risk of divorcing too.  Fowler’s study found the same effect may be true in friendship circles, meaning friends do highly influence us.  I think this effect is even more heightened because of social networking sites like Facebook.

One of the more intriguing results of the study concerned the universal nature of this phenomenon: the spreading of this kind of  ‘flu’ is psychological, meaning, it’s not dependent on you being geographically close to be infected by it.  For example, if Aunt Flo in Detroit (whom you love very much), is feeling much better after leaving her husband, if your relationship is troubled, you may be more tempted to leave your partner (yes, it’s true!) than you would have been if Aunt Flo hadn’t left dear old Uncle Claude (or if she’d left but found her situation worse since she divorced him).

So why am I mentioning this somewhat sobering information? Because you need to know the truth. There are negative consequences to divorce, breakups and ‘serial monogamy’. You need to know what the risk factors are, just like you now know about smoking and eating patterns.

What can you do to protect yourself from the divorce virus? If you are single, choose partners more wisely.  Balance your head and heart in choosing a partner.  If he or she has a history (or pattern) of divorce or relationship breakups, find out why.

If you are in a relationship, learn all you can about preserving your relationship.  And, surround yourself as much as you can with couples who STAY together.  Deepen your friendships with them.  Ultimately, the strength of your relationship is dependent on BOTH of you taking care to prevent the ‘illness’.  So, you, as an individual, should include in ‘innoculating’ yourself, doing all you can to become and remain resilient.

On a larger level, health care and public health professionals and policy makers need to build into our communities ways for us to become more supportive of relationships.  This is not communism, it makes good sense.   Every time a relationship doesn’t endure, we all suffer.  What affects one family affects all families, all communities and the world.

Woody offers monthly teleseminars on a range of financial topics and he’s licensed in many states to offer financial assistance.  Partnership Wealth Management’s complimentary July Webinar will be held on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 (12 noon – 1:00pm EST) and will focus on Women and Investing.  Please call Loury Davis at 410-732-2733 for more details and to reserve your space today!

You can also check out Woody’s website by clicking here.

———————————-

Okay, here’s Woody’s article…

Market Pullback – Not a Financial Crisis

By Woody Derricks, President, Partnership Wealth Management
410-732-2633

On Thursday, May 6, 2010, the stock market, as measured by the S&P 500, expanded its recent pullback with a vengeance as it dropped over 3% for the day after rallying from midday declines of almost 10%.   While fear was certainly the undertone for the day, the big declines and subsequent rally happened all within an hour.  Although the point damage was largely mitigated, uncertainty and concern remain entrenched in the market.

While the catalyst for the large decline was attributed to an apparent trading error that triggered a technical selloff, it was the uncertain environment regarding the fiscal crisis of several countries in Southern Europe that has created the negative backdrop for the market. Concern over the bailout of Greece has been widely reported, but the emerging anxiety of the market is the potential contagion of Greece’s fiscal deficit issues to other European countries and perhaps beyond.  The very real concern is if Europe will once again teeter back into the realm of recession, which could have negative impacts to the export portion of U.S. multi-national companies, certainly has the equity markets nervous.

While the fiscal crisis of Greece and other Southern European countries creates market uncertainty, it is important to remember that the events are the after-effects of the 2008 financial crisis and not the start of a new financial crisis.  Greece is not alone—it is one of many companies, families, individuals and now even countries that have been causalities of the recent recession.  Whether it was a job loss, a home foreclosure, rising debt, the need to cut back on spending or a national fiscal crisis as it is for Greece, there have been many negative consequences resulting from the most severe recession in almost 80 years.  That said, these negative events are the effects of the financial crisis we have just been through and not the cause of another new wave of credit concerns and another financial market collapse.

While fear is always an unwelcomed emotion, investing fear may create opportunity.  Since the recovery began back in early March 2009, the S&P 500 has risen approximately 70%, but not in a straight line.  In fact, along the ascent, there have been four pullbacks ranging from 5% to 10%, including this most recent market selloff.  I would argue that the selloff is not the result of increasing bad news, but rather the market became priced for perfection and perfection was unrealistic.  After huge market gains over the last year, expectations grew greater and greater.  The bar continued to be raised until the point where, regardless of how strong the economic backdrop was, expectations were greater than reality.  The result was a reset in expectations and a pullback in the market. Greece happened to be the catalyst, but the trigger could have been any report or event that did not meet the market’s expectations of near perfection.  The fact remains that pullbacks, like the one we are currently in the midst of, are healthy as they serve to reset expectations and re-engage nervous, profit-taking bulls back into a recovery.

When wondering how to react to times like these from an investment perspective, let’s not forget the fact that the market plunged on what appears to be a trading error and then corrected itself all within an hour.  This indicates a market demonstrating stability, not in a freefall.  This does not mean we will not get pullbacks and market hiccups like we are experiencing now, as these are both needed to establish a balance between buyers and sellers and to support future, healthy market advances.

Sometimes in periods of fear, investors and the market itself can lose the forest through the trees.  While the fiscal problem in Greece, the Goldman Sachs testimony discussions with Congress, and concerns arising from a global tightening of monetary policy have stolen much of the headlines as of late, a full view of the “forest” would show that the overall economy continues to improve.  One piece of evidence was released on May 7, 2010 in the April 2010 employment report.  The U.S. economy lost a total of 8.4 million jobs since the start of the recession highlighted by 22 consecutive months of job losses, but we have added jobs in 5 of the last 6 months to the tune of 528,000 new jobs.  In the end, the economic backdrop is on the mend.

The bottom line is that there is a big difference between a pullback and a financial crisis.  And there is an even bigger difference between how the market reacts to events that cause a crisis (Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, and the credit crisis of 2008) and those events that are the aftershocks of a severe recession, like the situation unfolding in Greece and Southern Europe.  There is also a difference between the two definitions of risk: danger and opportunity.  We would argue that the latter is far more likely than the former at these levels in the market and at this stage of the market recovery.

With a little patience, the commitment to a well thought out investment plan and a willingness to follow Warren Buffet’s sage advice to “be greedy when others are fearful and fearful when others are greedy” could result in turning the tone of this market pullback from danger to opportunity.  The selloff we are experiencing, which is the fourth one since the market bottom of March 2009, serves as a reset of market expectations.  It could provide the next springboard for the market to rally to higher levels over the coming months before running into the growing headwinds of rising rates, contested mid-term elections, and tougher year-over-year earnings comparisons for companies later in the year. For now, the market is in the midst of a good, old-fashioned pullback and this is not the start of a financial crisis.  As such, we feel that the mending economic backdrop supports cautious opportunistic investing at these levels in the markets.

The Standard & Poor’s 500 Index is a capitalization-weighted index of 500 stocks designed to measure performance of the broad domestic economy through changes in the aggregate market value of 500 stocks representing all major industries.

This research material has been prepared by LPL Financial. The opinions voiced in this material are for general information only and are not intended to provide specific advice or recommendations for any individual. To determine which investment(s) may be appropriate for you, consult your financial advisor prior to investing. All performance referenced is historical and is no guarantee of future results. All indices are unmanaged and cannot be invested into directly.

Securities offered through LPL Financial, Member FINRA/SIPC, 641618, 05/11

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..