• Can incidents like this be prevented in the future?
• What is the true, full story of what led this young man, Jared Lee Loughner, to do what he did?
• How much was the ‘verbal political vitriol’ present in today’s world (and spread more widely/rapidly because of today’s technology, and practiced by some of today’s politicians and entertainment figures) part of the cause, if at all?
• Do we have a failed mental health and/or criminal justice system?
• How do we reconcile the issue of ‘freedom to carry guns’ with the need to provide some level of protection?

I do know this: all of us have an emotional ‘system’ if you will, that includes the tool of anger.  And, if we look at the issue of evolution, it’s true that today is a time where many of us are ‘catching up’ to become more skilled in the healthy acknowledgement and expression of this important emotion.   We can’t, for example, go out and punch someone for a verbal disagreement like some of our ancestors did.

I do know that common wisdom suggests that anger is a positive if it is channeled positively.   But, what leads anger to become a negative?  And when does anger become negative?  What is the difference between healthy control of anger and unhealthy repression?  Is that question even one to consider? 

The bottom line is that encouraging healthy expressions of anger by individuals in today’s world, and preventing and/or early identifying individuals who need help, is vital and something we are far from expert at as a culture.

This is where it gets dicey, because, in the real world there are limits to budgets for mental health systems and there are those who get very, very ‘testy’ (ironically, again, that anger emotion) when you even try to talk about ‘limits’ on gun ownership.  I get tired of people spouting that tired old dictum, ‘it’s not the guns it’s the people’.  Well, let’s get real:  it seems to me the problem with violence in our culture needs attention to BOTH causes of such tragedies:  the sick individual AND the means they have to do damage.  One of the biggest means of doing violence in this world DOES include guns (as well as other weapons).  So we can’t ignore them too.

There is a point when ensuring safety OVER one’s privacy and/or individual freedom to ‘do whatever they want’ is life saving.

I saw a microcosm of the problem of how we shut (and shout) others down on this topic just this morning on the TV show ‘This Week with Christiane Amanpour’.  Amanpour was facilitating a round table, which included guests such as George Will, Donna Brazile and Congressman Dick Armey.  During one interchange Brazile was sharing her opinion (where I think she was suggesting that we need to ask public officials to decrease the rhetoric) and Dick Armey abruptly cut Brazile off and took over the discussion by stating that these sorts of ‘sociological’ explanations (presumably he is referring to what Brazile was trying to say before he cut her off), are not helpful and ‘the explanation lies only in the psychological’.

I think this example is indicative of leaders like Armey who aren’t able to DISCUSS the issue.  Sociological causes may very well be a part of why Loughner did what he did.  Either way, Armey’s ‘cutting off’ of Brazile shows his disrespect of her contribution to the discussion.  His attitude, in my opinion was, ‘don’t consider her opinion, listen to me I’m the one who is right’.

Armey also exhibited his lack of understanding of mental illness and forensics by calling people like Loughner a ‘fruit cake’.  I think this type of name calling is part of the problem of rhetoric using that Brazile is referring to.  We may be very angry ourselves at what Loughner has done.  But, name calling is not helpful to solutions.

I look forward to hearing more about what led Loughner to do what he did as well as ideas on how we can learn from this tragedy.  I hope the experts can get to the bottom of this tragedy so that we can prevent something like this from happening again, at least as much as is possible.

I also want to challenge people like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, Ed Schultz and Lawrence O’Donnell to contribute TO the solution of violence in our culture, not add to it.  Are you out there?  Can you hear me?

Lastly, my heart goes out to all those impacted by the incident.

I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

I love what I do because I know, personally and professionally, how important love is to all of us.  Research is showing, more and more, how vital a healthy, happy love relationship is to a person’s quality of life.  This is all the more reason it’s important to fight for our relationship rights.  We deserve to have access to the experience of marriage, which is an opportunity unlike any other for finding the ultimate romantic fulfillment.

Yes, people like to joke about the fervor with which many gays and lesbians wish to be married.  Straight comedians like to say, ‘I’m for gay marriage – Why not let gays and lesbians have all the hassle of marriage too!?!’.  Well, they have a point, but, ultimately they are speaking from a much different perspective from which I come: they’ve never NOT had the right to marry who they want to marry.  Big difference!

People who don’t ‘get’ it also don’t get that it’s NOT just about our individual rights.  When a person is able to freely pursue their happiness fully, the entire society benefits.  People who are fully supported with a caring, loving relationship at home are more likely to be productive at work, use less health care, contribute positively to other relationships and their communities, etc.

I want to be as vocal and confident as Dan Choi is (as he talks about military matters) when it comes to telling society to drop the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ attitude towards our right to love.  How about you?

How did Dan Choi become so confident and eloquent in his ability to break through barriers and advance the conversation about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’? I believe Dan has spent some quality time brushing up on his ‘Inner Game’,  just as lesbians need to do when it comes to their romantic life.  I also believe the challenge of his experiences – being in the closet on the job, being outed and being ousted for being gay – have helped him develop the inner strength to find the courage to speak out.

Your beliefs and feelings about yourself, about being a lesbian, about lesbian sexuality, etc., will dictate how you approach dating and mating.  For example, if you aren’t open with your straight family and friends about your partner when it comes to sharing aspects of your ‘coupled’ life that typical straight folk talk about, chances are your love relationship is suffering the effects.

Or, if you are single, but no one in your family and none of your straight friends know, how are they going to fix you up with Mz. Right???

Straight singles and couples benefit greatly (in large and small ways) by just being who they are with other family members.  Straight singles get some well-needed sympathy and support from others, while going through the experience of being alone, re-entering the dating world, navigating divorce, etc.

Straight couples can ‘kvetch’ to family about current stresses and, it’s oh-so-nice to get anniversary cards every year to remind each of you that your relationship is recognized and, it exists!

That’s what your goal needs to be: to feel this comfortable sharing with family and your closest friends.

So, Barb, you say, what do you do if you aren’t yet ‘out’ to your family or your family has given signals they aren’t happy about you ‘flaunting your lifestyle in their face’? Well, you need to begin somewhere.  Each person’s situation is different.  If you’d like some help specific to your situation, contact me to discuss.  Don’t leave this one to a book or ‘well meaning’ friends.

For most of us, the way our family is treating us today, is the result of what we have been allowing.  That’s right!  So, what I mean is that there is probably something you can do to improve your ability to be more authentic with your family.

It all begins with you being willing to be more authentic with yourself…

More to come!

Photo:  courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

Here’s a recap of this week’s highlights:

• I was interviewed by Rachel Hardy, LA’s Holistic Health Examiner, and quoted in her article on my reactions to the overturn of Prop 8 in California.
• Donna Lee and I interviewed filmmaker Lisa Marie Evans on Coach Sappho’s ‘GLBT Talk’ Podcast.  Be sure to check out the recording and Lisa’s website.  And, the good news is that Lisa is still taking video entries for her documentary until 9/1/10, so be sure to get yours in to her.  She’s going to give credit to everyone she puts into the film.
• I’m actively ‘heart hunting’ for single lesbians who are ‘ready for love’ across the U.S. and specifically in the Dallas, Texas and Maryland/Washington D.C./Virginia areas right now.  Don’t know if you are ready for a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship? It’s easy to take your ‘pulse’ on that right now.  Just click here to take my free quiz.

Lastly, getting back to the Prop 8/marriage equality issue, I’ve been reading in the news how poorly folks are responding to recent anti-marriage equality efforts.  I won’t even say the name of groups protesting equality, and I hesitated to even mention this negativity, misplaced intentions (or whatever you call it) but, I wanted to let you know that fairness and truth wins out eventually.

Glenn Beck Okay with Marriage Equality?

Interestingly, even Glenn Beck, of all people, is starting to sound rational on the gay marriage issue.  Be sure you check out Bill O’Reilly interviewing Beck recently on the culture wars.  Beck ‘gets it’ that this country has much bigger problems to focus on, and, perhaps some folks are just a bit too paranoid about ‘the gays’!  Wow!

Why We Love Our Golden Girls – A Show Ahead of it’s Time

Did you see Betty White making the rounds on late night TV this past week?  I want to thank a friend here in Ocala, Florida who shared the following classic ‘take’ from the Golden Girls.  This cute, funny clip dealt ‘head on’ with the issue of marriage equality.  Hard to believe isn’t it, that these lovely ladies were broaching sensitive subjects such as gay rights and marriage equality, way back in the mid 1980′s to early 1990′s.

Certainly, the Golden Girls TV show was ‘ahead of it’s time’.  Who knows how many small ‘acts’ like this have added up, over the years, to create the momentum towards equality we are seeing today.

Lesbiandating.net just named Coach Sappho the #2 blog of the

41 Best LGBT Lifestyles and Dating Blogs

This is fun stuff.  Be sure to surf on over to lesbiandating.net and check it out!  We’re also considered a ‘must read’.

Thank you to the folks at lesbiandating.net for giving us this recognition.

The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce.  I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.

According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:

To be deprived of a franchise, privilege or right

As a survivor of gay divorce myself, I can tell you it’s true.  First off, most lesbians aren’t able to legally marry.  This means society doesn’t recognize or acknowledge your committed relationship on a level equal to legal marriage.  So, if your relationship ends, so what?  Socially, this sets up some big time ‘pain’ for many lesbians.  Straight people take for granted the respect and sympathy they automatically receive when they are going through the stresses of divorce.

For example, I know plenty of lesbians grieving a painful breakup without the support of family because they’ve never even told their family they were IN a committed relationship.  Or, more likely, a lesbian’s family does know but doesn’t equally support their daughter like they would if she’d been married to (and divorced) a man.

Then there are the financial issues.  Straight folk take for granted the support of the legal system in it’s ability to help there be a ‘fair’ distribution of shared assets.  Unless you and your ex set up a system to ensure fairness, chances are you have no recourse.  Many times the less financially savvy or powerful partner in a couple loses out.  And, there are cases where the one who came into the relationship more financially sound is taken to the cleaners.

And, now that gay marriage is increasingly being voted into law across the country, there are new wrinkles to consider.  For example, if you were married in one state and try to divorce in a state that doesn’t recognize same sex marriage, then what?

These are all reasons why it’s wise for you to:

• Do all you can to be choosy about who you select as your life partner
• Make a true, mutual commitment to each other
• Nurture your committed relationship, so that it doesn’t end.

Stay tuned for future posts for my thoughts on these issues.  

Call to action (this is where you come in!): Have you ever gone through a breakup?  If so, what have been your experiences with them?  Are you going through a gay divorce?  I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and let us know.

I hope you won’t just read my blog.  I want you to INTERACT with it (and me).  Your life will improve as a result.

The story of the rainbow flag.   Have you ever sat back and wondered:

• Where did the rainbow flag come from?
• Who created the rainbow flag?

I know I never really thought about it, but, there is a really cool, TRUE story about the rainbow flag’s birth, it’s creator, the events surrounding it’s creation, etc.

The rainbow flag’s creator is a man named Gilbert Baker and you’re going to love this seven minute video explaining it all.  Do yourself a favor and watch the gay ‘Betsy Ross’ as he tells the story…

One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point.  I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.  And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.

I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’.  If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her.  And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.

So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’.   Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…