• Can incidents like this be prevented in the future?
• What is the true, full story of what led this young man, Jared Lee Loughner, to do what he did?
• How much was the ‘verbal political vitriol’ present in today’s world (and spread more widely/rapidly because of today’s technology, and practiced by some of today’s politicians and entertainment figures) part of the cause, if at all?
• Do we have a failed mental health and/or criminal justice system?
• How do we reconcile the issue of ‘freedom to carry guns’ with the need to provide some level of protection?

I do know this: all of us have an emotional ‘system’ if you will, that includes the tool of anger.  And, if we look at the issue of evolution, it’s true that today is a time where many of us are ‘catching up’ to become more skilled in the healthy acknowledgement and expression of this important emotion.   We can’t, for example, go out and punch someone for a verbal disagreement like some of our ancestors did.

I do know that common wisdom suggests that anger is a positive if it is channeled positively.   But, what leads anger to become a negative?  And when does anger become negative?  What is the difference between healthy control of anger and unhealthy repression?  Is that question even one to consider? 

The bottom line is that encouraging healthy expressions of anger by individuals in today’s world, and preventing and/or early identifying individuals who need help, is vital and something we are far from expert at as a culture.

This is where it gets dicey, because, in the real world there are limits to budgets for mental health systems and there are those who get very, very ‘testy’ (ironically, again, that anger emotion) when you even try to talk about ‘limits’ on gun ownership.  I get tired of people spouting that tired old dictum, ‘it’s not the guns it’s the people’.  Well, let’s get real:  it seems to me the problem with violence in our culture needs attention to BOTH causes of such tragedies:  the sick individual AND the means they have to do damage.  One of the biggest means of doing violence in this world DOES include guns (as well as other weapons).  So we can’t ignore them too.

There is a point when ensuring safety OVER one’s privacy and/or individual freedom to ‘do whatever they want’ is life saving.

I saw a microcosm of the problem of how we shut (and shout) others down on this topic just this morning on the TV show ‘This Week with Christiane Amanpour’.  Amanpour was facilitating a round table, which included guests such as George Will, Donna Brazile and Congressman Dick Armey.  During one interchange Brazile was sharing her opinion (where I think she was suggesting that we need to ask public officials to decrease the rhetoric) and Dick Armey abruptly cut Brazile off and took over the discussion by stating that these sorts of ‘sociological’ explanations (presumably he is referring to what Brazile was trying to say before he cut her off), are not helpful and ‘the explanation lies only in the psychological’.

I think this example is indicative of leaders like Armey who aren’t able to DISCUSS the issue.  Sociological causes may very well be a part of why Loughner did what he did.  Either way, Armey’s ‘cutting off’ of Brazile shows his disrespect of her contribution to the discussion.  His attitude, in my opinion was, ‘don’t consider her opinion, listen to me I’m the one who is right’.

Armey also exhibited his lack of understanding of mental illness and forensics by calling people like Loughner a ‘fruit cake’.  I think this type of name calling is part of the problem of rhetoric using that Brazile is referring to.  We may be very angry ourselves at what Loughner has done.  But, name calling is not helpful to solutions.

I look forward to hearing more about what led Loughner to do what he did as well as ideas on how we can learn from this tragedy.  I hope the experts can get to the bottom of this tragedy so that we can prevent something like this from happening again, at least as much as is possible.

I also want to challenge people like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, Ed Schultz and Lawrence O’Donnell to contribute TO the solution of violence in our culture, not add to it.  Are you out there?  Can you hear me?

Lastly, my heart goes out to all those impacted by the incident.

I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

Sleep?  Sleep, you ask?  What’s sleep got to do with your stress levels or your partner’s insensitivity?

Well, it turns out that your sleep habits have A LOT to do with the quality of your daytime, i.e.: awake life!  There are no ifs, ands or buts on this one.  I remember the tale of the college students who almost went insane during a research experiment that deprived them of sleep.  Earlier research like this showed us how important quality and quantity of sleep is to one’s mental health.

Researchers are also discovering how important quality sleep is to our physical health.  I was talking with a nutritionist yesterday who reminded me (as I’ve heard before), that when we don’t sleep enough hours during certain times of the night, our bodies release stress hormones that help us GAIN weight.  That’s right - gain weight.  Yikes!  Not something most of us desire.

I read a study this week that found seven hours is the optimum number of hours of sleep a night we need for our body to restore itself properly.  And, surprise: guess what?  If you are sleeping more than eight hours of night, that’s not good either.

So, while we may focus on our partner’s communication problem, how about looking at how each of you are doing in the sleep department:

• Is one of you up at night worrying about how you aren’t getting along, or about stress at work?
• Is one of you snoring and keeping the other awake?

Perhaps your daytime sleepiness is making one or both of you just irritable or impatient enough to block your ability to talk through the normal stresses of the day.  Hmmm….interesting subject is it not:  getting your zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s….

Post your concerns about sleep, insomnia, etc., right here on Coach Sappho’s Blog

I hope you’ll post your experiences and frustrations with sleep hygiene, right here on the blog. You see, our relationship with sleep has changed dramatically in the past 100 years or so, with the invention of electricity, the light bulb, shift work, etc.  Our bodies haven’t evolved to keep up.  For hundreds of thousands of years prior to now, humans followed the sun instead of artificial light.  They went to bed when it got dark and woke up when the sun came up.

In today’s world, it can be ever more challenging setting and maintaining good sleep habits.  After all, how many of us are guilty of staying up late to get one more thing done on the ever growing ‘to do’ list?  Or, how many of us are up late ‘playing’ online on a gaming site, instant messaging, watching a great movie, etc.?

I heard someone say recently that we are more ‘connected but less engaged’ than ever.  It’s true.  We are more driven to distraction than ever, especially due to all of the ‘techie toys’ available today.  I think this holds true for us and our relationships with ourselves as well.

For example: You may feel like you are more ‘connected’ than ever, to people, information, etc.  But, isn’t all of this connection too much at times?  I know I sometimes have to say ‘hey wait, I can’t take in any more!’

I recall Thomas Leonard, the late ‘father of modern life coaching’ who used to say that in today’s world our mental bandwidth will be exceeded.  Amen, Thomas, you were so, so, right.  The problem today is not getting the information you need, it’s what information, when, etc.  We do need ‘filters’.  Otherwise we become increasingly fatigued, frustrated and, UNABLE TO SLEEP!

Please join me on my next ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ live podcast, next week on Thursday, September 2, 2010 at 4p ET, where I’ll be talking more about identifying sleep issues and ‘getting quality zzzz’s'/improving your sleep habits.  Bottom line:  the topic is NOT bland.  Getting proper sleep is sexy and healthy stuff!

Photo courtesy of BigStockPhoto.com

Lesbiandating.net just named Coach Sappho the #2 blog of the

41 Best LGBT Lifestyles and Dating Blogs

This is fun stuff.  Be sure to surf on over to lesbiandating.net and check it out!  We’re also considered a ‘must read’.

Thank you to the folks at lesbiandating.net for giving us this recognition.

The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce.  I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.

According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:

To be deprived of a franchise, privilege or right

As a survivor of gay divorce myself, I can tell you it’s true.  First off, most lesbians aren’t able to legally marry.  This means society doesn’t recognize or acknowledge your committed relationship on a level equal to legal marriage.  So, if your relationship ends, so what?  Socially, this sets up some big time ‘pain’ for many lesbians.  Straight people take for granted the respect and sympathy they automatically receive when they are going through the stresses of divorce.

For example, I know plenty of lesbians grieving a painful breakup without the support of family because they’ve never even told their family they were IN a committed relationship.  Or, more likely, a lesbian’s family does know but doesn’t equally support their daughter like they would if she’d been married to (and divorced) a man.

Then there are the financial issues.  Straight folk take for granted the support of the legal system in it’s ability to help there be a ‘fair’ distribution of shared assets.  Unless you and your ex set up a system to ensure fairness, chances are you have no recourse.  Many times the less financially savvy or powerful partner in a couple loses out.  And, there are cases where the one who came into the relationship more financially sound is taken to the cleaners.

And, now that gay marriage is increasingly being voted into law across the country, there are new wrinkles to consider.  For example, if you were married in one state and try to divorce in a state that doesn’t recognize same sex marriage, then what?

These are all reasons why it’s wise for you to:

• Do all you can to be choosy about who you select as your life partner
• Make a true, mutual commitment to each other
• Nurture your committed relationship, so that it doesn’t end.

Stay tuned for future posts for my thoughts on these issues.  

Call to action (this is where you come in!): Have you ever gone through a breakup?  If so, what have been your experiences with them?  Are you going through a gay divorce?  I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and let us know.

I hope you won’t just read my blog.  I want you to INTERACT with it (and me).  Your life will improve as a result.

The story of the rainbow flag.   Have you ever sat back and wondered:

• Where did the rainbow flag come from?
• Who created the rainbow flag?

I know I never really thought about it, but, there is a really cool, TRUE story about the rainbow flag’s birth, it’s creator, the events surrounding it’s creation, etc.

The rainbow flag’s creator is a man named Gilbert Baker and you’re going to love this seven minute video explaining it all.  Do yourself a favor and watch the gay ‘Betsy Ross’ as he tells the story…

During the talk, Huckabee said he believes gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt.  He dissed gays as parents by complaining that when it comes to parenting children, ‘we aren’t dealing with puppies’.

Well now, there is much I can say about that comment, but, suffice it to say there is a study out there (I’ll try to find it if you insist) that actually found the best parents, over lesbians and straights, were gay men!  And, I’m not even exploring the issue of who the better pet parents are! 

The couple, Steve McDonagh and Dan Smith, have been together 13 years and parent an adopted son.  McDonagh turned the proverbial cheek and approached Huckabee by stating,

“You may know me from Food Network. My partner, Dan Smith, and I are The Hearty Boys. We’re Chicago caterers, restaurateurs, cookbook authors and most importantly, dads. Dan and I have been in a stable, monogamous, loving, positive, nurturing and healthy relationship for 13 years. We were blessed to adopt our son, Nate, at his birth 4 1/2 years ago.

“Sir, your comments likening my parenting my son to adopting a pet are beyond hurtful and dangerous. My love, passion and commitment to Nate is not one iota different than what you have for John Mark, David and Sarah. Our son is loved and cared for just as much. He feels just as loved and cared for. He is a happy, well adjusted little guy whom I fiercely love.

“Mr. Huckabee, I invite you to spend the evening with us at our home in Chicago next time you come through. You need to understand and see firsthand what a family like ours is like. We are no less a family than yours, and in fact, we are healthier and more stable than most.”

I will be very surprised if Huckabee accepts the Hearty Boy’s invitation and shows up for dinner.  If he does, I sure hope the Hearty Boys report what happened during the meeting to the world.

Thanks to Dan and Steve for taking such a brave, public stand.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and see if you are ready for love!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I’m pleased to announce that Donna and I will be interviewing Lara Zielinsky, bisexual author of mature adult content lesbian and bi-women’s fiction, romance and erotica Thursday, April 29, 2010 from 7-8p ET on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.

Lara resides in the Orlando, Florida area.  Who knew we had such an interesting and accomplished author right in our midst!?!

Lara has been on a speaking tour promoting her new book

To Love and To Cherish: An Anthology of Lesbian Love and Marriage

And, she’s donating proceeds from sales of the book to the same sex marriage rights organization Marriage Equality USA.

Lara Zielinsky

Please be sure to join us Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 7:00PM ET as we talk LIVE with Lara.  Coach Sappho’s Podcast is free to subscribers!

We agree today’s show was one of our best (so far)!  Please feel free to listen and forward the link to anyone you wish.

We talked about the varieties of disapproval GLBT’s face, why people become anti-gay (it’s not them it’s their beliefs) and we talked a great deal about how to address this issue if it presents itself in your life.

We also touched on the serious issue of suicide and the holidays.  I offered a great resource called the Suicide Prevention Hot Line at 1-800-723-TALK.

Click here to listen now.

I enjoyed the interview immensely. Rosie was her usual charismatic self. With a dollop of humility even. A friend of mine asked if she ‘talked bad about anyone’ as apparently that might have been some of the hype to get people to tune in.

No, Rosie was a class act throughout the show. She obviously has mellowed in many respects. O’Donnell shared details on the infamous quitting incident with Barbara Walters and Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View and she also shared why she believes she and Kelli O’Donnell decided to divorce.

A great deal of Oprah’s interview and questions revolved around Rosie and her role as mom to her four children, including how she and Kelli are co-parenting them now that they are apart. Rolled into this discussion was Rosie sharing a clip from her movie on ‘A Family is a Family is a Family’.

Rosie also shared an interesting tidbit about the addiction to being a celebrity that was the subject of her book Celebrity Detox.

Rosie also reminded Oprah that she really wouldn’t be able to understand what it’s like to ‘withdraw’ from being in the spotlight until she steps back and leaves the stage. I thought this a most fascinating part of the interview and wished they’d had more time to discuss the issue.

Lastly, Rosie shared how she is now learning to move beyond the ‘glass half empty’ experiences of her life, such as the fact her mom died when she was only 10 and that she always thought she too would die by the age of 40. She has a new girlfriend named Tracy and is working with her to find a way to put their two lives together. Tracy lives in Texas and has six children of her own, many of them adopted or in foster care.

Finally, Oprah announced to the studio audience that Rosie was giving everyone a Sirius XM radio!

Yes, I hung on every word, given I admit my interest in the lives and opinions of celebrities like Rosie and Oprah! No, my life is very different from theirs, but I see many parallels and found their discussion inspiring.

How about you?