The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce.  I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.

According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:

To be deprived of a franchise, privilege or right

As a survivor of gay divorce myself, I can tell you it’s true.  First off, most lesbians aren’t able to legally marry.  This means society doesn’t recognize or acknowledge your committed relationship on a level equal to legal marriage.  So, if your relationship ends, so what?  Socially, this sets up some big time ‘pain’ for many lesbians.  Straight people take for granted the respect and sympathy they automatically receive when they are going through the stresses of divorce.

For example, I know plenty of lesbians grieving a painful breakup without the support of family because they’ve never even told their family they were IN a committed relationship.  Or, more likely, a lesbian’s family does know but doesn’t equally support their daughter like they would if she’d been married to (and divorced) a man.

Then there are the financial issues.  Straight folk take for granted the support of the legal system in it’s ability to help there be a ‘fair’ distribution of shared assets.  Unless you and your ex set up a system to ensure fairness, chances are you have no recourse.  Many times the less financially savvy or powerful partner in a couple loses out.  And, there are cases where the one who came into the relationship more financially sound is taken to the cleaners.

And, now that gay marriage is increasingly being voted into law across the country, there are new wrinkles to consider.  For example, if you were married in one state and try to divorce in a state that doesn’t recognize same sex marriage, then what?

These are all reasons why it’s wise for you to:

• Do all you can to be choosy about who you select as your life partner
• Make a true, mutual commitment to each other
• Nurture your committed relationship, so that it doesn’t end.

Stay tuned for future posts for my thoughts on these issues.  

Call to action (this is where you come in!): Have you ever gone through a breakup?  If so, what have been your experiences with them?  Are you going through a gay divorce?  I hope you’ll post right here on the blog and let us know.

I hope you won’t just read my blog.  I want you to INTERACT with it (and me).  Your life will improve as a result.

The topic of today’s post is closely related to lesbian love drama, btw. This week a study broke in the media on the ‘divorce virus’.  Divorce virus, you say?  Yes.

The study, led by James Fowler, is a retrospective longitudinal one, meaning they looked at data from other studies such as the Framingham Heart Study.  The study found that relationship breakups can be as contagious as the flu…

I’m not surprised, I’ve been suspecting this phenomenon for a long time now.  For example, there are other well known studies that show those whose parents divorced are at a higher risk of divorcing too.  Fowler’s study found the same effect may be true in friendship circles, meaning friends do highly influence us.  I think this effect is even more heightened because of social networking sites like Facebook.

One of the more intriguing results of the study concerned the universal nature of this phenomenon: the spreading of this kind of  ‘flu’ is psychological, meaning, it’s not dependent on you being geographically close to be infected by it.  For example, if Aunt Flo in Detroit (whom you love very much), is feeling much better after leaving her husband, if your relationship is troubled, you may be more tempted to leave your partner (yes, it’s true!) than you would have been if Aunt Flo hadn’t left dear old Uncle Claude (or if she’d left but found her situation worse since she divorced him).

So why am I mentioning this somewhat sobering information? Because you need to know the truth. There are negative consequences to divorce, breakups and ’serial monogamy’. You need to know what the risk factors are, just like you now know about smoking and eating patterns.

What can you do to protect yourself from the divorce virus? If you are single, choose partners more wisely.  Balance your head and heart in choosing a partner.  If he or she has a history (or pattern) of divorce or relationship breakups, find out why.

If you are in a relationship, learn all you can about preserving your relationship.  And, surround yourself as much as you can with couples who STAY together.  Deepen your friendships with them.  Ultimately, the strength of your relationship is dependent on BOTH of you taking care to prevent the ‘illness’.  So, you, as an individual, should include in ‘innoculating’ yourself, doing all you can to become and remain resilient.

On a larger level, health care and public health professionals and policy makers need to build into our communities ways for us to become more supportive of relationships.  This is not communism, it makes good sense.   Every time a relationship doesn’t endure, we all suffer.  What affects one family affects all families, all communities and the world.

One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point.  I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.  And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.

I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’.  If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her.  And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.

So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’.   Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage.  And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.

During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.

At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection.  The collection includes three volumes:

• Volume I: On Bended Knee
• Volume II: With This Ring
• Volume III: Lives and Wives

Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income.  A true labor of love!

What a great deal:  when you buy this series you are both:

• Getting an amazing book
• Giving back to a very, worthy cause

By the way, I’m buying my Kindle copy right now for the great price of only $3.75!!!

Be sure you let me know how you are enjoying the stories!

Barb

If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.

Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered.  This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.

Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.

Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference.  Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…

Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Okay, so I’m stuck inside, the weather’s gorgeous and I’d rather be at the pool playing water volleyball right now (instead I had to settle for being Suzy Homemaker – vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen!  Ha!  Burns calories just as well).

I’m on a writing moratorium today. I’m already committed to getting caught up on my articles for One Good Love’s popular E-zine for relationship-minded gays and lesbians.

I’ve got my doggie lying behind me snoring.  Believe it or not, she’s found a new way to cuddle up to me while I work,  She squeezes her – luckily – small body – behind me on the office chair!  Cute, or what?  If only I could find a woman so loyal and into snuggling!  

And on the TV is the Oxygen channel.  Two, a bit dated, but cute movies have been playing in the background today, as I write.  Both stood out to me as movies for women 40 and up, and they are just as full of true-isms as when they were first released.

The first is ‘Must Like Dogs’, the 2005 movie starring Diane Lane, who is middle aged and back on the singles market.  Online dating was much newer then and was highlighted during this chick flick.

‘Must Like Dogs’ ending was sweet – Diane’s character fell for the guy who was more into her than she was into him.  Well, who knows if she fell for him at the end, but she eventually realized how much he really cared for her and, that hooked her.

The other movie is ‘The First Wives Club’, the iconic, 1996 classic with a bevvy of stars including Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and more.

Having been twice a gay divorcee, I can relate to much of these character’s resentment, even though their exes are men.

The First Wives Club was so popular then and now because it is a story reflecting so many of life’s challenges, when it comes to love…

• betrayal
• going through the stages of loss including denial, anger, resentment and revenge, as well as sadness
• losing confidence
• regaining one’s mojo through a combination of leaning on one’s social supports, learning from others who’ve risen above their loss (ie: Ivana Trump tells them to ‘not get mad, get everything’), laughing through the pain, and moving on with a renewed sense of sexiness and power
• being more confident THIS TIME in love – for example: being more assertive with new partners
• remembering those still struggling with confidence by ‘giving back’ and starting a crisis center for women

Wow – in the movie Bette Midler goes to a gay bar with her newly-out-to-her lesbian daughter and commiserates with a middle-aged lesbian crying over the loss of her 18 year partner to ‘a teenager who weighs 12 pounds’.  Can anyone reading this relate!?!  Ultimately, Bette’s character is finding out that, gay or straight, loves and losses are similar, no matter what a person’s sexual orientation is.

And, by the way, recently, the myth that women over 40 have a lesser chance of finding love than getting hit by a bus was debunked.  This is especially true in the lesbian community.

No, it is true that it’s tough being noticed when you are 40 or over, even in the lesbian community.  In some ways it seems the lesbian social and media scene has become more like the straight and, gay male scene – overly-focused on youth, materialism, partying, etc. This shouldn’t surprise anyone – our community is a reflection of the wider society.

So, the long and short of my meanderings in this post is this: Keep the faith.  In life, in love and, most importantly…IN YOURSELF.

Speaking of this very topic of believing in yourself, I’m offering a FREE 60 minute tele-seminar this coming week (two times – one on Tuesday night and the other on Thursday night) on

10 Steps to Finding Your Soul Mate

It’ll be a lot of fun.  Learn from the comfort and privacy of home.  Ask the love coach (moi!), any question you want about love, dating, getting over your ex, etc.

If you want more information, just email me and I’ll send you details so you can attend.

However, what about when things aren’t going so swimmingly? This is truly where we separate the men from the boys, or, the happy versus unhappy couples.  You see, it seems how we handle the difficult moments in our relationship – when we are feeling not-so-playful or positive,  such as when we are frustrated, angry or feel some type of negativity towards our partner or our relationship – determines whether we (and our partner) will continue to feel positive about our relationship and emotionally invest in it…or not!

John Gottman coined this very useful idea, this visual of ‘kicking around the soccer ball’, after observing thousands of gay and straight couples in his notorious love lab.  Gottman discovered there is a big difference between…

• the couples who have ‘mastered’ handling conflict and
• those couples whose behavior, when it comes to negatively-charged situations, incites an escalation of the conflict, withdrawal in one or both partners, etc.

Couples who handle conflict well kick problems and disagreements around ‘like playing with a soccer ball’.  How does this ‘play’ itself out behaviorally? 

Lesbian couples who play verbal soccer tend to look at disagreements as

• ‘outside of themselves’
• something they need to ‘kick around’ and look at to either make light of, make a game of, better understand, etc.

Couples who do not play verbal soccer when they disagree tend to

• blame the conflict on something inside their partner or themselves (or both)
• not be able to see (or consider) any perspective other than their own

The bottom line for lesbian couples is that when you don’t know how to play, chances are you are DOING things in your interactions with each other that sabotage the good feelings you share.  And, when that occurs, you start to disconnect, even if it only begins at a very subtle level.

Over time, these negative behaviors can create a wide gulf between you and, the next thing you know you are playing on opposite teams instead of the same team!

How are you doing? Even if you aren’t coupled, it’s important to look at all of your most important relationships and assess how well the two of you are handling your conflicts.  Gottman’s research also indicates that conflict isn’t the problem: even happy couples argue.  It’s how we handle the more frequent, small, negative interactions we have, as well as the unresolvable problems we share that determines whether we remain happy together or, if we even stay together!

So, the next time you ‘butt heads’ with someone you care about, your best option is to ‘head butt’ the ball onto the playing field and coax your partner to ‘play along’!  

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I’m pleased to announce that Donna and I will be interviewing Lara Zielinsky, bisexual author of mature adult content lesbian and bi-women’s fiction, romance and erotica Thursday, April 29, 2010 from 7-8p ET on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.

Lara resides in the Orlando, Florida area.  Who knew we had such an interesting and accomplished author right in our midst!?!

Lara has been on a speaking tour promoting her new book

To Love and To Cherish: An Anthology of Lesbian Love and Marriage

And, she’s donating proceeds from sales of the book to the same sex marriage rights organization Marriage Equality USA.

Lara Zielinsky

Please be sure to join us Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 7:00PM ET as we talk LIVE with Lara.  Coach Sappho’s Podcast is free to subscribers!