I happened to catch a piece on The Today Show this morning on ‘Gray Divorce’. Gray divorce is defined as marriages that end ‘later in life’. Older persons face some unique stresses when their relationship ends, such as worrying about growing old alone, negative financial changes, feeling less ‘attractive’ and figuring out how to enter a ‘less viable’ singles market. Younger divorcees tend to have more options and more time to rebuild their love lives.
The ‘Gray Divorce’ discussion got me thinking about the topic of gay divorce, and more specifically, lesbian breakups and lesbian divorce. I remember a few years back reading an article in a professional magazine about the ‘disenfranchisement’ lesbians go through when their relationship ends.
According to dictionary.com disenfranchise is defined as:
I’m excited to let you know I’ve started watching the Real L Word (including Natalie Garcia’s Showtime Real L Word video blog) and I can’t wait to start talking about all of the characters, and the drama, very soon…So stay tuned.
The topic of today’s post is closely related to lesbian love drama, btw. This week a study broke in the media on the ‘divorce virus’. Divorce virus, you say? Yes.
The study, led by James Fowler, is a retrospective longitudinal one, meaning they looked at data from other studies such as the Framingham Heart Study. The study found that relationship breakups can be as contagious as the flu…
Hello there! I’m so glad to be back home after my amazing trip north for a niece’s wedding, visiting with family and colleagues, enjoying Maryland steamed crabs, etc. Ahhh…look to the left, here I am at the close of my trip enjoying the hot, hot Baltimore Gay Pride Festival!
One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.
The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act. According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.
Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).
These FACTS should concern everyone. Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances. Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.
A fascinating book has just come out that, for once, sheds a positive light on the state of marriage in America. Hurray for a book that looks at love with the ‘half glass full’ for once.
Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet. Can’t wait to though. In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope. The book is called
According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce. Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example
“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”
Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it? Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally. Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face: the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship. Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.
I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.
I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book. I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind. Hmmm…..
Many times when talking with my singles clients, I hear them voice a lack of faith in their ability to attract a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship. After all it does take patience to find Mz. Right. Finding Mz. Right takes time, effort, and a willingness to accept rejection. Finding YOUR Mz. Right takes guts.
And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point. I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.
I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’. If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her. And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.
So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’. Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…
One of the things I love most about my work is meeting very interesting people from all over the world. This past week I had the pleasure of interviewing bisexual author Lara Zelinski, on Coach Sappho’s podcast:
Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage. And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.
During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.
At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection. The collection includes three volumes:
Volume I: On Bended Knee
Volume II: With This Ring
Volume III: Lives and Wives
Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income. A true labor of love!
On Facebook this morning, my bud Kathy Belge over at About.com shared the heart breaking, powerful, and oh-so-real life story of Jonny from Oregon. I decided to share his video with you today, because of his very powerful, sobering message.
If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.
Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered. This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.
Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.
Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference. Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…
Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!
Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
I happened to catch a piece on The Today Show this morning on ‘Gray Divorce’. Gray divorce is defined as marriages that end ‘later in life’. Older persons face some unique stresses when their relationship ends, such as worrying about growing old alone, negative financial changes, feeling less ‘attractive’ and figuring out how to enter a ‘less viable’ singles market. Younger divorcees tend to have more options and more time to rebuild their love lives.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
