If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ve probably seen me referring to the lesbian dating scene as a jungle.  Now, I’m not being negative or trying to stereotype lesbians.  The truth is, no matter what your sexual orientation is, when you are single and you say you are tired of relationships that don’t last and ‘this time’ you’re going to find the partner you’ll spend the rest of your life with, it helps to know what is going on inside (and around) you, so you understand what to expect as you go through time with a partner.

Perhaps you’ve never realized it before, but did you know there are some very powerful chemicals in your brain that can ‘control you’, if you let them, when it comes to romance?  I am talking to you in this way because I think it’s very important to add some realism to balance these strong emotions, which always come with romance.

What is so helpful about having a love coach comes into play here: You need someone who is going to ‘be your head’ right now.  When it comes to love and partner selection, most of us are way too emotional.  Well, you say, why can’t I just rely on the opinion of good friends or family members?  Because they too are ‘too close to’ your situation to not have an agenda or two.  A love coach has no ulterior motive.

It’s a well known, researched fact that new, or young, love, is a very powerful experience, one that actually creates for some of us, a type of ‘temporary insanity’.

That temporary, emotional insanity or ‘high’ is not just psychological.  When two individuals are feeling like ‘more than friends’, some very special chemical reactions are occurring between each of their pairs of ears.  When we are first ‘falling for’ or becoming ‘infatuated with’ someone else, powerful brain chemicals are being released at unusually high or low levels.

Most scientists who study the chemical phenomenon of ‘falling in love’ say it’s mother nature’s way of ensuring people come together.  After all, in earlier times, when humans faced life-threatening challenges more often than we do today, it was especially vital to form ‘bonds’ or ‘units’ to survive.  Even today, we haven’t lost our need for social contact and security.  And, of course, the second biggest reason nature needed to bring us together was to perpetuate our species.

Here’s the challenge for new couples: The challenge for all new couples (and each individual in the relationship) is to slow down and recognize that these feelings are normal for the stage you are in, but not likely to last.  So it’s normal right now to never see (or care about) your date’s obvious flaws, to feel very upset when you are separated from one another and to catch yourself daydreaming about your new ‘friend’ a lot.

The challenge is realizing you will need to re-focus on the rest of your life too.  You know, your responsibilities, your body, your health, your family and your work.  Don’t let your friends fall by the wayside.  Remember back to when I said that you are on an ‘emotional high’?  What tends to happen with rational decision making when we are high?

What may be missing for you at this stage is the ability to discern if this relationship has long term potential.  You may be feeling that it does, but does it?  Only time will tell.  As I love to say to couples together only a few months, “Just go and have fun, get to know one another, but, whatever you do, don’t make a lifetime commitment, or, entwine your lives by moving in together yet or combining finances.  The first six months don’t count.”

Why do I emphasize that the first six months doesn’t count? Because you need to go through the inevitable ‘let down’ of the emotional high, and the emergence of what it’s truly like to be sharing life with this person.  Then, and only then, will you be able to balance out the highs with the lows and determine if the reality (somewhere in the middle) is something you are willing to commit to…seriously.

And here’s the challenge for established couples: As the saying goes, ‘whatever goes up, must come down’.  In the earliest stages of attraction, called ‘lust’, testosterone and estrogen increase for women, leading us to think of the object of our affection (and sex) more frequently.  And, as attraction builds, increases in dopamine and adrenalin and decreases in serotonin lead to a loss of appetite and sleep and emotional highs and lows and more obsession on the object of our love.

After a period of time, our body ‘habituates’ or whatever it does (I’m not the chemist as you can tell!), and dopamine and adrenalin decreases back to it’s more normal rates and serotonin, which had decreased during the ‘love struck’ stage of early love, goes back to it’s usual levels.

Women with lower than average levels of testosterone normally (when not in the ‘falling in love’ stage) may find their desire level is lower than their partners.  But, that doesn’t mean you can’t raise them, by what you do.

The good news for ‘established’ couples, who sometimes wonder what happened to their sex drive is that these initial ‘rush’ chemicals can be raised with a little attention on their parts.  Ha…didn’t realize that pun till I’d written it! 

So, if you’re no longer a couple in the early days of your relationship, that doesn’t mean you need to trade your partner in for a new love.  You just need to keep dating your current love.  Don’t ever stop dating.  Don’t ever stop doing (and trying) new things together.  Keep it interesting, in and out of the bedroom.

The other really cool stage of love is the last one, called attachment.  This is where the chemical oxytocin is released, which helps us feel more bonded to our partner.  Want to feel closer to your partner?  It’s easy, just have a great sex life.

One of the big secrets to creating lasting, deeply satisfying lesbian love begins and ends with an understanding of your chemical makeup and, making those chemicals work for you rather than against you.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Tags: gay relationships, great relationships, help for lesbian women, lasting love, lesbian relationships, lesbian romance, secrets to lasting love

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 17th, 2009 at 4:49 am and is filed under Be Ready for Love, Committed Relationships, Lesbian Couples, Lesbian Dating, Pre-Commitment-Is this the Relationship for Me?, Single Lesbians. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.