Hello there!  I’m so glad to be back home after my amazing trip north for a niece’s wedding, visiting with family and colleagues, enjoying Maryland steamed crabs, etc.  Ahhh…look to the left, here I am at the close of my trip enjoying the hot, hot Baltimore Gay Pride Festival!

One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

I know it’s been a tough week for equality, fairness and for gay Californians especially.  The rest of the country is looking on, and doing all it can to be supportive.  That includes me, here in Florida.

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today.  The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times.  That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do.  That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast.  I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

(more…)

I was pleased to see that Dr. Peter Beilenson (who I remember as the Director of Health in Baltimore City, my home town) was quoted recently in the Washington Post for defining the lack of allowing same sex partners to marry as a ‘public health’ problem!  Now I know why I always loved this guy.

According to Beilenson…

“…what about the strong body of evidence that married couples fare much better, both physically and psychologically, than unmarried, cohabiting couples? This evidence alone illustrates that denying same-sex couples access to civil marriage is, quite simply, relegating them to inferior health status.”

Beilenson doesn’t stop there.  What he said next really made me mad about marriage inequality…

“Compared with unmarried partners, married couples have lower rates of depression and substance abuse, make fewer doctor visits, and suffer lower rates of overall mortality. Elderly married adults have lower health-care costs and have a lower likelihood of needing nursing-home care. Children of married parents do better as well — experiencing better physical health into adulthood.”

As Beilenson says, how can we as a society deny certain members of our community these ‘protections’, protections heterosexually married citizens take for granted?  Hey – I pay taxes too and am no different from straight couples who do.

And yet, I am denied this choice. Some might say each individual cannot be reduced to a health statistic, but the facts are thus: because I can’t choose to marry the person I desire, because I am denied that choice, I may be more at risk for some of the health problems Beilenson mentions above.

I was just talking with a gay Californian today who, even though they were single, said they felt, for the first time, like a whole person, after passage of Proposition 8.  This story illustrates the health benefits of choice.

Be sure you read the entire article here.  And, the direct link is here – http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/14/AR2009031401559.html

I just took a minute to check the news and voila…some amazing news just hit the airwaves:

Vermont has become the 4th state in America to legalize gay marriage!

Wow – how, you ask, did that happen?  Particularly when most of us were resigned to the fact Vermont’s  anti-gay governor’s veto would turn back the legislature’s majority vote?  Well -there’s a law in Vermont that states if enough of a majority of the legislature weighs in, in favor of a measure, a governor’s veto can be overcome.  And, that’s exactly what happened!

I read this just at the same time they are talking on MSNBC that a recent poll shows only 23% of America states they are republicans.  Obviously, this is a time those who think from a republican mindset need to evaluate their positions.  Rush Limbaugh are you listening?

Click here for more details on the Vermont vote.

I don’t know about you but I am constantly reminded how important it is for all fair-minded US citizens to press forward in the battle for marriage equality.  Today was no different.  In one day, I saw three stories highlighting the obvious unfairness and inequality gay and lesbian singles and couples (and ‘widows’ of a gay or lesbian partner) face financially, because they can’t marry.

These real life reports reinforce perfectly my Suze Orman post from the other day, when she spoke out on the unfairness of denying anyone the financial benefits marriage provides…

• A fight may be brewing on the provision of benefits to the same sex partners of federal employees – In the news today is evidence of the ‘brewing’ focus on the issue of same sex partner benefits for federal goverment employees.  (more…)

Coming across my desk today are two worth-mentioning posts on the all-so-important practical aspects of living and loving – relationship agreements and estate and tax planning.  As lesbian couples become more celebratory of their relationships, they will hunger for this sort of information.  I, as always, am ‘thinking ahead’ for you!

Be sure to check both of these resources out BEFORE you check your Myspace, Facebook pages or post on Twitter today:

• Estate and Tax Planning for LGBT’s – great information, just in time for tax season!  Thanks to my colleagues over at the Lesbian Dating and Relationships blog for the heads up.

• Jaysays interview of Merle Horowitz’s book on ‘cohabitation agreements’.  Thanks to my bud Genia Stevens over at gaywallet.com for this information.

Eat these up!  Your relationship (or next relationship) depends on getting a handle on subjects such as these!   As Jaysays post title sums all of this up perfectly:  “Love is Love, but business is business.”  Whether you accept it or not, and whether you ever get married or legalize your relationship in some way or not, when you join your life with another person, business IS part of your relationship.  Mark my words.

Traditionally, women didn’t often handle the ‘money’ and ‘decision making’ aspects of their love relationships and most of us, as women, still have that ‘limiting belief’ floating around in our subconsciousnesses.  Someone, some may argue it was men, blinded our ancestral sisters to the practical aspects of our love relationships with romantic, ‘happily ever after’ fantasies.

We still believe some of these things, but, we need to stop having our heads in the clouds when it comes to money and love.  We CAN ‘live happily ever after’, however, it takes some planning…

Barb Elgin

I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…

Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?

I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue.  She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her.  Afterall, they didn’t outright ’shun’ her.  Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc. 

However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room:  that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them.  Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else:  alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc.  And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life.  For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.

She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives.  It seemed they were ashamed.

And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone.  Why wouldn’t they?  Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too. 

And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering. 

The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces

My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.

So, what do I mean when I say this client is ’showing signs of wear’?  She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong.  She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship.  Her small business is struggling to grow.  I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress.  For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.

However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food.  And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before:  her blood pressure is borderline high.  She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough.  She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).

So, why not blame her behavior choices?  Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation.  She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still.  And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family.  She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first.  And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ’stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her. 

I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside.  Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’.  Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?

The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us

My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her.  She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day.  Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!”  As if this was supposed to be a comfort.

My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’.  Meaning:  my client had allowed it!

I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her!  And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids.  She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.

Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part

All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner.  Martina stated, and I quote,

“I don’t want homosexual rights.  I want equal rights, period!  It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”

During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’.  I am very fed up with that one too!

The bottom line is this:  As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves.  She says we can all do more, our part.  She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean.  She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one.  Her dream is for all those drops coming together.

I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours!  We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us.  Because apparently, they never will…

Back to my client.  We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds.  Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out.  I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.

Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!

Barb Elgin

Given recent events in the U.S. regarding gay marriage, I do wonder…

Where do we go from here?

Certainly, at some time in the future, all gay Americans will have the right to marry someone of the same sex.  But, what do those of us who don’t live in Massachusetts do in the meantime?  What do couples do?

I believe gay and lesbian couples should ‘fake it till they make it’.  What do I mean by this wise old Alcoholics Anonymous phrase?

I believe that each and every gay and lesbian couple should move forward AS IF they are married!  Why wait for the law to catch up?  Yes, so what if a bunch of stupid laws try to stop you from loving fully who you want?  I say, you don’t have to let the laws stop you from being proud of the love you are building together.  I say, you must do all you can to more deeply value your life partnership, even if you can’t get married right now.

There is so much more you can probably do to

• treasure
• celebrate, and
• nurture

your bond, regardless of what anyone else does or says and regardless of current laws.

If you believe in a creator, just know that the creator isn’t concerned about man-made attempts to regulate your love life.  Your love transcends any earthly laws.

You know what:  I have a gut feeling if more of us would take a more active approach in exhibiting publicly our commitment to one another (as in, what is the next step we can take to deepen our commitment?), we’d speed up passage of full marriage rights for all Americans.  Just as in coming out as individuals do we change the world, I believe we could do so on the partnership level as well!

Why do I say so?  Because I believe in taking our relationships more seriously by taking action to

• sign up for the domestic partnership registry in your town if you have one (and, if not, see if there is a group active in your area focusing on passage of such a law and join the effort!)
• create relationship agreements with your partner using the support of an attorney and/or mediator
• do all you can legally to protect your bond, it’s assets and your partner, should you predecease him or her
• have a public civil union
• get married in a gay-affirmative church (even if it isn’t legal), complete with reception and honeymoon
• continue to get more active politically in your state re: gay marriage rights (ally with the organizations who are already working on this – they are smart and know how to tackle the issue next)
• sign up for domestic partnership benefits on the job
• etc., etc., etc.

And, the cool thing is this – you could do all of this, NOT to prove a point, but to more deeply treasure, nurture and celebrate your bond!  That in itself would be a reward.  That’s right!  When you practice commitment in your relationship, you are ensuring it’s continued health and happiness.  Marriage is just a piece of paper, and weddings just get a relationship off the ground, but commitment is what keeps a relationship going long and strong!

By the way – it’s National Coming Out Day tomorrow.  I hope you will celebrate by being more truthful about who you are.  If you are single, be sure to tell someone you’ve been wanting to be more honest with, someone you gauge as relatively safe to come out to, that you are a proud, gay American and single lesbian. 

If you are a couple, what can the two of you do to express your love more openly to the world tomorrow???

I leave you now with a touching letter written by my dear colleague, Dan Furmansky, who is the executive director of Equality Maryland.  Dan wrote the letter this past week following the disappointing ruling from the Maryland Supreme Court who deemed that it’s okay to discriminate against gays who not just want to marry but who need the protections this legal term carries…

From Washington Jewish Week

I’ve tired of fighting for dignity, respect – by Dan Furmansky
Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I lost some faith last week. The freedom to marry is a fundamental right being recognized around the world, but last week, Maryland’s highest court upheld the state’s ban on marriage for same-sex couples, dashing the hopes of countless families to be treated the same as their neighbors. The legal opinion was demeaning, employing flimsy reasoning to reach its tortured conclusion that the provisions of equality in our Constitution do not apply to everyone.

My personal investment is more than that I am a gay man, though that alone would warrant my feelings of disappointment. I helped birth this legal challenge 3 1/2 years ago with my organization, Equality Maryland, and the American Civil Liberties Union of Maryland.

I took on the challenge as a spiritual activist, facing clergy and legislators who refer to gays and lesbians as “ungodly” and “immoral.” I’ve spoken in numerous places of worship, and always do my best to channel God to help people understand both the legal and spiritual disenfranchisement at stake. I am close with the plaintiff couples in the litigation, some of whom are like family and fellow soldiers.

The press conference that followed the ruling felt like a shiva as the couples fought back tears and dealt with the reality that social justice would not be served, and for some, that their children would continue to be denied basic securities. It was a harried week of media, strategic planning and rallies that allowed me no chance to breathe. I was numb. Then, I was angry at the four-judge majority.

When I went to shul for Kol Nidre three evenings later, I realized the depth of my heartache, for I failed to steel my heart for the possibility that a just government could turn its back on the needs and hopes of people joined in love or on a path in search of it. The rabbi sermonized about how we change our perception of, and identification with, God based upon our own life experiences and emotional needs. While I tried to take the rabbi’s words to heart and began my fast with spiritual intentions, by late that night, I had fully realized anger at God.

On Saturday, I slept until noon and ate at 2:30.

I failed to honor Yom Kippur because I was angry at an existence that allows this injustice. Yet, being angry in such a way meant I was out of sync with my God beliefs. The God I perceive cannot be described as omniscient or vengeful – my God is not well described at all with adjectives attributable to the human condition. “Victim” is not a word I seek to identify with myself or with any group to which I belong. It became clear that it made little sense for me to be angry at God. I let go the best I could, but days later, remnants of this feeling remain.

My heart is broken because I am tired of fighting for dignity and respect when we have existed in every culture at every time. My heart is broken because employment discrimination against us is still legal in most states, courts take away our children and people feel it’s acceptable to make moral pronouncements about us in the form of sermons, constitutional amendments, discharges from the military and smashed car windows.

As for denying marriage equality, my Lord, it’s difficult enough to find one’s b’shert in life without worrying that society will make it difficult for you once you do. Denying equal marriage rights – besides stigmatizing children and their parents – can mean denial of health insurance and medical decision-making rights. There is no way to sponsor a foreign-born partner to stay in the country. There are no guarantees to make post-mortem decisions if a partner dies, and there are crippling taxes for inheriting jointly owned property from a nonspouse.

There is no entitlement to access a deceased partner’s social security benefits, no ability to inherit without wills and the threat that wills could be challenged by anti-gay relatives with legal standing as family.

As those of us affected by this ruling struggle to maintain our faith in justice, please consider channeling extra tikkun olam this new year. Make your congregation a welcoming one. Make this social justice movement your own. Help bring love, healing and fairness to your gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

Dan Furmansky is the executive director of Equality Maryland.