I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…

Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?

I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue.  She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her.  Afterall, they didn’t outright ‘shun’ her.  Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc. 

However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room:  that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them.  Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else:  alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc.  And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life.  For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.

She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives.  It seemed they were ashamed.

And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone.  Why wouldn’t they?  Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too. 

And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering. 

The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces

My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.

So, what do I mean when I say this client is ‘showing signs of wear’?  She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong.  She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship.  Her small business is struggling to grow.  I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress.  For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.

However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food.  And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before:  her blood pressure is borderline high.  She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough.  She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).

So, why not blame her behavior choices?  Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation.  She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still.  And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family.  She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first.  And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ‘stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her. 

I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside.  Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’.  Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?

The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us

My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her.  She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day.  Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!”  As if this was supposed to be a comfort.

My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’.  Meaning:  my client had allowed it!

I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her!  And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids.  She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.

Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part

All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner.  Martina stated, and I quote,

“I don’t want homosexual rights.  I want equal rights, period!  It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”

During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’.  I am very fed up with that one too!

The bottom line is this:  As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves.  She says we can all do more, our part.  She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean.  She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one.  Her dream is for all those drops coming together.

I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours!  We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us.  Because apparently, they never will…

Back to my client.  We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds.  Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out.  I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.

Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!

Barb Elgin

Given recent events in the U.S. regarding gay marriage, I do wonder…

Where do we go from here?

Certainly, at some time in the future, all gay Americans will have the right to marry someone of the same sex.  But, what do those of us who don’t live in Massachusetts do in the meantime?  What do couples do?

I believe gay and lesbian couples should ‘fake it till they make it’.  What do I mean by this wise old Alcoholics Anonymous phrase?

I believe that each and every gay and lesbian couple should move forward AS IF they are married!  Why wait for the law to catch up?  Yes, so what if a bunch of stupid laws try to stop you from loving fully who you want?  I say, you don’t have to let the laws stop you from being proud of the love you are building together.  I say, you must do all you can to more deeply value your life partnership, even if you can’t get married right now.

There is so much more you can probably do to

• treasure
• celebrate, and
• nurture

your bond, regardless of what anyone else does or says and regardless of current laws.

If you believe in a creator, just know that the creator isn’t concerned about man-made attempts to regulate your love life.  Your love transcends any earthly laws.

You know what:  I have a gut feeling if more of us would take a more active approach in exhibiting publicly our commitment to one another (as in, what is the next step we can take to deepen our commitment?), we’d speed up passage of full marriage rights for all Americans.  Just as in coming out as individuals do we change the world, I believe we could do so on the partnership level as well!

Why do I say so?  Because I believe in taking our relationships more seriously by taking action to

• sign up for the domestic partnership registry in your town if you have one (and, if not, see if there is a group active in your area focusing on passage of such a law and join the effort!)
• create relationship agreements with your partner using the support of an attorney and/or mediator
• do all you can legally to protect your bond, it’s assets and your partner, should you predecease him or her
• have a public civil union
• get married in a gay-affirmative church (even if it isn’t legal), complete with reception and honeymoon
• continue to get more active politically in your state re: gay marriage rights (ally with the organizations who are already working on this – they are smart and know how to tackle the issue next)
• sign up for domestic partnership benefits on the job
• etc., etc., etc.

And, the cool thing is this – you could do all of this, NOT to prove a point, but to more deeply treasure, nurture and celebrate your bond!  That in itself would be a reward.  That’s right!  When you practice commitment in your relationship, you are ensuring it’s continued health and happiness.  Marriage is just a piece of paper, and weddings just get a relationship off the ground, but commitment is what keeps a relationship going long and strong!

By the way – it’s National Coming Out Day tomorrow.  I hope you will celebrate by being more truthful about who you are.  If you are single, be sure to tell someone you’ve been wanting to be more honest with, someone you gauge as relatively safe to come out to, that you are a proud, gay American and single lesbian. 

If you are a couple, what can the two of you do to express your love more openly to the world tomorrow???

I leave you now with a touching letter written by my dear colleague, Dan Furmansky, who is the executive director of Equality Maryland.  Dan wrote the letter this past week following the disappointing ruling from the Maryland Supreme Court who deemed that it’s okay to discriminate against gays who not just want to marry but who need the protections this legal term carries…

From Washington Jewish Week

I’ve tired of fighting for dignity, respect – by Dan Furmansky
Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I lost some faith last week. The freedom to marry is a fundamental right being recognized around the world, but last week, Maryland’s highest court upheld the state’s ban on marriage for same-sex couples, dashing the hopes of countless families to be treated the same as their neighbors. The legal opinion was demeaning, employing flimsy reasoning to reach its tortured conclusion that the provisions of equality in our Constitution do not apply to everyone.

My personal investment is more than that I am a gay man, though that alone would warrant my feelings of disappointment. I helped birth this legal challenge 3 1/2 years ago with my organization, Equality Maryland, and the American Civil Liberties Union of Maryland.

I took on the challenge as a spiritual activist, facing clergy and legislators who refer to gays and lesbians as “ungodly” and “immoral.” I’ve spoken in numerous places of worship, and always do my best to channel God to help people understand both the legal and spiritual disenfranchisement at stake. I am close with the plaintiff couples in the litigation, some of whom are like family and fellow soldiers.

The press conference that followed the ruling felt like a shiva as the couples fought back tears and dealt with the reality that social justice would not be served, and for some, that their children would continue to be denied basic securities. It was a harried week of media, strategic planning and rallies that allowed me no chance to breathe. I was numb. Then, I was angry at the four-judge majority.

When I went to shul for Kol Nidre three evenings later, I realized the depth of my heartache, for I failed to steel my heart for the possibility that a just government could turn its back on the needs and hopes of people joined in love or on a path in search of it. The rabbi sermonized about how we change our perception of, and identification with, God based upon our own life experiences and emotional needs. While I tried to take the rabbi’s words to heart and began my fast with spiritual intentions, by late that night, I had fully realized anger at God.

On Saturday, I slept until noon and ate at 2:30.

I failed to honor Yom Kippur because I was angry at an existence that allows this injustice. Yet, being angry in such a way meant I was out of sync with my God beliefs. The God I perceive cannot be described as omniscient or vengeful – my God is not well described at all with adjectives attributable to the human condition. “Victim” is not a word I seek to identify with myself or with any group to which I belong. It became clear that it made little sense for me to be angry at God. I let go the best I could, but days later, remnants of this feeling remain.

My heart is broken because I am tired of fighting for dignity and respect when we have existed in every culture at every time. My heart is broken because employment discrimination against us is still legal in most states, courts take away our children and people feel it’s acceptable to make moral pronouncements about us in the form of sermons, constitutional amendments, discharges from the military and smashed car windows.

As for denying marriage equality, my Lord, it’s difficult enough to find one’s b’shert in life without worrying that society will make it difficult for you once you do. Denying equal marriage rights – besides stigmatizing children and their parents – can mean denial of health insurance and medical decision-making rights. There is no way to sponsor a foreign-born partner to stay in the country. There are no guarantees to make post-mortem decisions if a partner dies, and there are crippling taxes for inheriting jointly owned property from a nonspouse.

There is no entitlement to access a deceased partner’s social security benefits, no ability to inherit without wills and the threat that wills could be challenged by anti-gay relatives with legal standing as family.

As those of us affected by this ruling struggle to maintain our faith in justice, please consider channeling extra tikkun olam this new year. Make your congregation a welcoming one. Make this social justice movement your own. Help bring love, healing and fairness to your gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

Dan Furmansky is the executive director of Equality Maryland.

Sometimes it’s difficult keeping the faith when you are gay and you want the right to marry.  You have detractors from all sides…

I know that I am a strong voice in the GLBT community, but my voice is easily drowned out at this time because of one or more of the above constituencies.

But…I will persevere.  Why?  Because in my gut I know that marriage is a sacred AND civil right that ALL Americans should have the right to enter into, equally, regardless of whether the couple is composed of a man and a woman or a woman/woman or man/man. 

And, because I know, from reading valid, credible studies in the mental health and healthcare literature, that when a person is legally married and perceives that they are part of a supportive, secure, happy marriage, he or she has access to a multitude of…

• financial
• legal
• social
• psychological
• spiritual
• physical
• sexual
• ?????

benefits that singles, domestic partnered and civil unioned partners and other couples who are living together but unmarried, can’t access or achieve.  I would also like to add that certain ‘domestic partners’ (such as heterosexual couples who are older/’senior’ or retired and choose NOT to marry – but could) are a separate case that I’m not referring to here.

While I’m not a political expert or gay historian, here’s my short and sweet list of ‘high points’ in the gay marriage movement, as of today:

• prior to just a few years ago, any attempts to advance gay marriage were pretty small and obscure (but were building as a result of the gay movement’s gains in other key areas)
• parallel to the gay marriage and/or ‘relationship recognition’ movement, states such as Vermont and Connecticut have passed civil union laws allowing gay couples to form legal, if less than equal to marriage, agreements with one another
• nervousness as a result, at the federal level in the past decade or so, has led presidents to ‘go political’ and react.  President Clinton  signed DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act – federal legislation specifying that marriage is only for heterosexual couples) AND President Bush pushed for a federal, anti-gay marriage amendment (which in essence isn’t necessary since there is DOMA AND since never in the country’s history has discrimination against a group of people been written into the Constitution.  One could argue, as well, that discriminating against a group of people using the U.S. Constitution was certainly never the intention of it’s authors!)
• a few brave couples in a handful of BLUE (highly democratic) states eventually organized and summoned the courage to file lawsuits demanding the right to marry
• as a result of a suit such as above Massachusetts became the first and only state (so far) to legalize gay marriage
• other states and cities got in on the act in response (hence the flurry of impromptu gay marriage ceremonies in places such as San Francisco)
• AFTER Massachusetts made gay marriage legal, a ‘conservative’ backlash ensued including President Bush using this debate to his advantage in winning re-election in 2004
• gay marriage political strategists decided to focus their energies on continuing at the state-by-state level
• gay marriage has been ‘turned away’ a number of times in the states (Maryland, New York)
• gay civil unions have met with greater success (so far)

The religious right, with their ability to partner with those in the middle who aren’t yet convinced that gays deserve the right to marry, have countered strongly by convincing the ‘powers that be’ to put the brakes on my rights!

The fight for gay marriage will carry on.  Before gay marriage, I also think there is hope that in moving towards any legal form of relationship recognition for gay couples, gay couples will begin to enjoy at leasat some of the rights and benefits legal marriage brings.

My post today resulted from the thoughts I had after reading a great article on the subject at Boston.com, which you can read here, called ‘Courts a tough road to gay marriage’. (A pdf reader is required).

So, if you are, like me, an advocate of gay marriage, not because I’m a radical, but because I’m a fair-minded human who believes in doing what is not only in the best interests of the individual, but in the best interests of society as a whole (socially, economically, spiritually, health-wise, etc.), hang in there!  There are many organizations continuing to ‘fight the good fight’. 

One of the experts interviewed in the Boston.com article, constitutional scholar and Yale professor William Eskridge, paints a hopeful future…

High court losses don’t mask huge gains for gays in the last decade, Eskridge said. Nine states have approved spousal rights in some form for same-sex couples — Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Maine, California, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii.

Every state will eventually have to create some kind of legal structure to deal with the financial and social realities of same-sex relationships, Eskridge said. It may not be gay marriage everywhere, but it will be some form of expanded rights, he said.

“It took generations to make any progress on race,” Eskridge said. “This stuff doesn’t come overnight.”

Even so, don’t become complacent.  THE PERSONAL IS POLITICAL!  If you are in a relationship, the best thing you can do is vote with your feet and ‘put your money where your mouth is’. 

If you’re not ready to share your personal story, fine.  You can be as anonymous as you wish and still have an impact.  A great national organization working on relationship recognition for gay couples is HRC. Pick at least one organization (in fact my recommendation is that you fund regularly one national, pro-gay marriage organization and one in your state) and support them any way you can. For example, these organizations always need money, volunteers, etc.. 

Then, when you are ready to be most authentic and share your personal experiences, be more visible and tell your story.  If you are ashamed of being gay and you aren’t out to the important people in your life, why is that?  You don’t have to be. 

If you believe you face serious repercussions for being out, I challenge you to do something about that – move to a more affirming neighborhood, city or state.  Or at least begin the process of becoming more authentic by talking with a coach or therapist about your own personal growth and happiness.  I don’t believe you will ever reach your potential as a human being living two lives!  I mean that…

Just remember – it’s YOUR life.  Do you really understand the serious risks you might be taking by not being out???  While you may be able to deny it, you pay heavy costs…

• financially
• legally
• socially
• psychologically
• spiritually
• physically
• sexually
• ?????

when you hid your true self in the world.

Maybe you need to go and get married in Massachusetts!  Or, if that’s too bold, find out what rights you have in your city or state as far as relationship recognition and, secure them!  Your relationship will become that much stronger for doing so.

The most courageous need to get out there and share with others how the inability to marry (or have a civil union) impacts you and your relationship.

As they’ve always said about advancing gay rights, the same holds true for gay marriage.  The best way to advance both is to be out, visible and proud!  October is Coming Out Month.  What will you do to celebrate???

Out and Proud,

Barb Elgin

Today’s Pop Quiz on Gay Marriage:  How many same sex marriages are currently recorded in Massachusetts? (Don’t peek! – Take a good guess and look for the answer at the end of today’s post).

I’ve decided to add a new series to Coach Sappho’s ‘Authentic Loving’ blog called, simply ‘Gay Marriage Update’ (if you can think of a better catch phrase which describes these posts, email me and let me know). 

As I come across the news and events regarding gay marriage that I think important for you to know (such as the positive progress of same sex marriage rights in the U.S. and around the world), I’ll do my best to cull news together in one place for you here!

I’m hoping you, as a savvy reader, will increase your interest in the subject of gay marriage.  I make no bones about it – I believe gays and lesbians should have the same rights as straight couples in marrying the person they love.  I believe, based on my understanding of the U.S. Constitution, that same sex couples are being denied their full and equal rights.  And I also believe that other legal arrangements such as domestic partnership and civil unions don’t quite ‘cut’ it.  Yes, these ‘bandaids’ are better than nothing, but they are a far cry from legal marriage.

We can be the change we want to see.  I want to stand before my loved ones (those family and friends who love me as I am) and the universe and marry my beloved in this lifetime. 

I also don’t want to play the serial monogamy game anymore and I’m tired of U-Haul relating.  I say we need to ‘raise the bar’ on our standards regarding our precious relationships.  Obviously, we are probably doing not much worse than heterosexual marrieds (with their 50-60% divorce rate and 60-some percent marital affair rate), but if we were able to respect ourselves and our relationships more, we could probably show straights a thing or two about keeping a relationship together.

And, with the increase in ability for our communities to connect via the internet, global travel, etc., I believe we can be choosy and we don’t have to settle for a ‘scarcity mentality’ (where we believe we have to settle because it’s so hard to find other same sex, compatible, potential life partners).  How about you? 

If you’re single, aren’t you ready to find a LIFE partner and partnership???  And, if you are in a relationship, aren’t you ready to give it what it needs to last (and grow)?  Afterall, what’s the alternative?  Me myself I’d rather invest – on all levels – in someone and something I know will most likely be there tomorrow.

Even if you are anti-marriage in general, because you’ve seen the negatives of a still, sometimes ‘patriarchal’ system, don’t you want to help those gay friends of yours who WANT to get married succeed?

By reading this blog, I guarantee you will become more knowledgeable about what is going on in the world regarding same sex marriage and why it’s so important for gays to have this right, particularly when it comes to those LESS talked about levels: the impact on an individual’s self esteem, career success, one’s family and community as a whole, children, emotional and physical health, etc.  I also hope you getting more information will inspire you to get more involved in helping justice happen in more places. 

I promise you this: as you join me in helping you and other GLBT’s (and allies)…

• you will improve your own self respect (and happiness) by becoming the best person you can be so you don’t feel you have to ‘settle’ for any relationship
• you will take your time to date and not rush into an exclusive and committed relationship until you are sure it is a great move for you
• you will take even more time as a ‘pre-committed’ or premarital couple to stop and ask yourselves (and truly discern) ‘is this the relationship for me?’ BEFORE you make a formal commitment to one another
• you will walk away if you and your partner aren’t a ‘good enough’ fit
• you will do whatever it takes to be sure your newly minted, committed relationship gets off the ground on the right foot
• you will do whatever it takes to ensure your committed relationship lasts (and is deeply satisfying too)

Wow, I’m psyched, are you?

Gay Marriage Update – April 3, 2007

As usual alot is going on, in our favor!  Kudos to Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, who ordered the recording of 26 marriages that former governor Mitt Romney refused to allow on the record books.  These 26 couples are residents of other states but came to Massachusetts to marry.

I’m glad to see Massachusett’s new governor being more conscious of the gay marriage issue and inclusive of the needs of gay couples.  While these couples still won’t be recognized as married in their states (and of course they still aren’t recognized federally), they are at least being given their due, written recognition in the records, avoiding the invisibility that was occurring.

On another note, hold yer breath:  the city of San Francisco and 22 gay couples from California have gone to the state supreme court to hear their case for equal marriage rights.  A ruling would probably take at least a year, according to experts and this is the path that couples took in Massachusetts, which was the first state to legalize gay marriage, in 2003.

Number of Massachusetts same sex marriages:  approximately 8,000.