Wow – what great news!  You know this topic is something I write about often and I’d like to thank Wendy for choosing to study lesbians who are married.  I’m sure her work will add to the growing body of research showing that gay marriage supports a more successful, healthy (not just ‘just’) society.

Please consider contacting Wendy if you meet her study guidelines or, pass the information on to someone who does!  She’s challenging us to help her out – if she gets at least 300 completed surveys she will donate $500 to the National Center for Lesbian Rights.

Barb Elgin

—————–

Hello Fellow Lesbians!

I am a lesbian, PhD student, in Public Health investigating lesbians in different relationships and their health and quality of life. I live in Spokane, WA with my domestic partner of 6+ years, and my two grown sons.

There is little existing research on lesbians and the effect their relationships have on their mental health, physical health, and quality of life. I am studying lesbians who:

• Reside in Massachusetts, and are legally married to a lesbian partner,
• Reside in Washington State, and are registered domestic partners, and
• Reside in Florida, and are in a committed relationship with a lesbian partner.

The title of my doctoral dissertation is: The Effect of Marriage on Lesbians’ Mental Health, Physical Health, and Quality of Life.  If you meet one of these residency and relationship categories, I am asking for your participation in my survey as part of my research.

The survey will take approximately 15-20 minutes to complete, and is completely voluntary. Surveys will be kept anonymous and confidential. My research is funded solely by me and I have no sponsored affiliations with any LGBT organizations.

If I receive 300+ completed surveys, I will personally contribute $500 to the National Center for Lesbians Rights towards their advocacy efforts on behalf of our lesbian community.

If you have any questions or concerns, or are interested in the research results, please feel free to contact me.

Thank you for your tine and consideration!

Wendy Payne, MSPH, MA

Survey URL http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/L8XG8G5

If you know of other lesbians who meet my participant criteria please feel free to forward the survey link to them. Thank you again!

On the positive side, I look at today’s online environment for singles as a banquet or feast.  In addition to the ability to reach out and search practically anywhere in the world to find other women, the addition of testing to online search sites gives us some really cool ’systems’ and ‘theories’, if you will, that we can dive into, learn, take their tests and determine things like ‘your type’ and ‘those who might be attracted to or, complementary to, you’.

Then – on the negative or, ‘realistically optimistic’ side, or devil’s advocate position – think of the feeling you get when you’ve eaten (or drank) too much!  I don’t know about you, but its’ easy to become ‘overwhelmed’ by all of the ‘newfangled’ theories and methods available about love and dating on the internet today.

The good news is that there is significant power and resources being put behind the ‘problem’ of ‘finding a date, soul mate or life partner’.  There are several big time corporations now organized and powerful enough to do large scale research and development, beyond what your typical university or professor can do, and, for the most part, the results (and benefits to you) are worth considering.

One example of a ‘cutting edge’, research-based ‘compatibility’ system added on to your basic online dating is the Chemistry.com system.  I might be somewhat positively-biased on this one because I know Helen Fisher, the anthropologist who created the heart of their ‘personality typing’ and ‘matching’ system.

Helen’s system is based on her love: evolution and biology.  Her system attempts to define all of us as having a dominant ‘temperament’ based on four brain chemicals: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine and serotonin.  Sound similar to any other ‘personality typing’ systems you know?  Those of you who are into psychological testing might say: Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram.

I don’t know if Helen’s system is any more ’scientific’ than the Myers-Briggs, or if that even matters, anyway.  Has Fisher actually tested the brains of her subjects?  I doubt it.  I don’t even know if this sort of testing is even possible at this point.

It seems that these typing systems are intriguing, but, they have their critics.  I read an industry blog pretty regularly where a diverse group of business folk and researchers fight this out.  The social worker in me asks,

• What about the impact of social and psychological factors?
• What about those of us who don’t fall so strongly into one of the four categories?

From what I can see (from my corner of the universe – I am not, for example, a researcher), the state of the industry on this thing is that we may know, like we do with Helen’s system, who we are initially or naturally attracted to, but we still don’t really understand much about what separates those couples who do stay together over time from those who don’t.  Well, that’s not entirely untrue, but that’s a subject for another post.

It’s like the thing about finding a gay gene:  most likely there isn’t one gene, but a combination or interaction of many genes and, frankly, I hope they never find that exact combination out!

Now, what is really cool and undisputed about Helen’s work is the number of people she has access to study.  Helen says she has been able to study the responses of at least 4 million men and women, to date.  That is huge.  I’ve been communicating with Helen over the years and advocating for her to focus in on the lesbian community a bit more and, I emailed her earlier today to see if she is getting any further with that project.  (Of course I’ll let you know what I find out!)

So, Barb, you say, what does all of this mean for me?  Why should I care?  And, how do I use today’s online dating tools to my advantage?

To help you make greater sense of this ‘big ball o’ love’, I’ve come up with some simple tips you can follow, to help you use today’s online dating resources to your advantage.

TIP #1: Get clear what you are looking for before you look.

When a client says to me, ‘which dating site do I use or which one is best?’, I have to answer that first with a question: What is your vision for the ‘romantic relationship’ area of YOUR life? Your vision is very important, in terms of deciding what I would advise you do in terms of dating, partner searching, etc.

My bias is that lesbian women benefit in many ways when they make the conscious decision to value a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship as a centerpiece or, foundational element, of their life.  So my passion is helping the lesbian woman who is ready to become the kind of woman who does this well and help her find a woman she can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.  I believe it makes the most sense to focus most on becoming capable of long term love and finding a woman who is likewise capable of building a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with you, in this lifetime.

Do you see the difference? I take this approach with my clients because I believe that creating a great love life for a lifetime is about so much more than who you are most naturally attracted to in a ‘chemical’ sense or ’static’ sense.  That’s because no one fits perfectly into a box and people change, over time.

Also important in the mix is the issue of envisioning the type of relationship (not just person) you want to create with another woman.

Looking at these other very important aspects, I think, round out the limitations of systems that test and type and put you into a box.  What I mean by ‘putting yourself’ (or a potential match) into a box is limiting yourself too much, or, relying too heavily on these types of assessments and tests.

Systems like Chemisty.com are incredibly useful and important, just don’t make them the only means of assessing, experimenting and observing you do.  For example, while these systems may help you save time and really focus in on women you would really be interested in dating, you still need to date each person you are attracted to, to determine if this is someone you want to build your life around.

So – to answer the question, ‘Which dating site is best for me?’, I would say there is no, as of yet, one ‘perfect’ method of finding your ‘perfect match’ (even if there is an online dating company named that).  So, don’t worry, chances are you aren’t ‘missing anything’!

While Helen Fisher may love the method she’s created, and many others love it too, Helen is smart enough to know that even her method has limitations.  The worst thing anyone can do is forget the ’spirit of the law’ or hit someone over the head with one of these methods.  Sorry to disappoint, but that’s important to remember!

TIP #2: Like investing in the stock market, your best bet is to diversify.  Use more than one resource – on and offline – when it comes to dating, up to the point of your feeling overwhelmed.

I suggest to all of my clients that, when it comes to finding compatible women to date, that they ‘cast the widest net’ possible, with the caveat – until you find it overwhelming.

Casting a wide net also includes using OTHER methods of meeting women, such as…

• telling your friends and family you want their help
• attending social events highly aligned with who you are and what you want
• using lower tech, higher touch services from a resource such as Coach Sappho (where I teach you how to take care of yourself and how to date in ways that result in you choosing a partner you CAN build an amazing future with)

So what’s my bottom line to date, on using online dating tools to your advantage in Attracting Mz. Right:

• Most importantly, have fun, no matter which tools and resources you choose!
• Try out different tools and ideas and approach each with a spirit of experimentation.  For example, why not take the next six months and date one woman each (either consecutively or, perhaps better, concurrently) from a variety of self-selected and ’selected for you’ resources, such as Lez Rendezvous, Chemistry.com, an introduction from friends or family who know you well and one woman you met at an event or activity that is highly aligned with your values.
• While you date these women, be clear up front if you are ‘dating non-exclusively now with the intention of finding a life partner in the near future’.  Most of us don’t take enough time to really ‘play the field’.  Now you are free to do so, if you so dare!  HINT:  date coaching can help!
• When it comes to the information these various online matchmaking and dating sites spit out on you and the women you date, remember, be careful about relying solely on this information.  You’ve still got to ‘date’!  Remember?  One of the processes I’m very wary of in today’s information saturated culture is becoming influenced too much or controlled by what we read.  When we take something that may not even be true for us to heart, we may stop being free to take the actions we could take ‘because this is the way I am’ or ‘because it’s hopeless’.
• Don’t overwhelm yourself by engaging in more systems than you can enjoy.  Everyone is different – some people may have time and energy to sign up for – and use – 5 of these types of systems whereas others should  instead focus on one or two.  I think it’s a waste to sign up for systems you end up not using or you barely use.  It’s better to get the most use you can out of one or two systems rather than spread yourself too thin and not achieve the best results you can from any one of them.

I think you’ll agree this is a fascinating subject and something I will probably spend more time blogging about!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

“So sorry to hear about your dog.  I know that it can be a really sad loss for us, especially we GLBT people.  Often our pets are our babies.”

So true, and, for Ruby, whose care had become more time and energy consuming over her last few months, I think the more I put into caring for her, the more I cared about her.  So the loss is extra hard.

But even in my grief, I am trying to keep perspective.  I have great memories of her and I have so much still to be grateful for in my life today.

Thanks to everyone who have called and sent well wishes.  Especially memorable were words such as: ‘as long as she lived it was obvious you loved her and cared well for her’ and ‘remember that you aren’t alone and many have traveled this road before you’.

Your words of comfort really DO help.  I did get a good night’s sleep last night and today I feel better.  This blog post is in honor of Ruby’s memory and I know it’s cathartic for me to post about it here to my online ‘family’.

Ruby was a ‘one in a million dog’ in many ways.

What a great time, btw, for someone to enlist support!  I remember back to my therapy training days when we learned that crises may seem overwhelming but they are also a time when we are more open to change.  That’s right – the Chinese were right – crisis =’s opportunity!  And making some internal changes (as well as some changes in her actions) will be required of this client if she expects to ever stop ‘leasing’ U-Hauls!!! 

Being Single Doesn’t Mean You Are Ready To Meet Your Soul Mate

The first thing I suggested this client do, however, is understand that being single is not synonymous with being ‘ready’ to find a life partner.  How many newly single folks do you know who rush out into the dating pool right away???  Usually that leads to disaster or ‘more-of-the-same’ you’re trying to avoid.  Many people believe that availability equals readiness and that’s just not true.  In fact, most of us have never encountered the concept of readiness and it’s importance in our lives.

So, I suggested to this client that she put any thoughts of dating on hold for the next couple of months while we explore the concept of readiness and how it applies to her.  A great place for anyone to start when one is single and seeking their life partner, whether or not one is already dating, is assessing one’s readiness for love. 

What is Readiness and Why is it So Important

Readiness is about having your ‘house in order’ as much as you can prior to considering ‘combining’ or ‘joining’ your life with another person.  Another way of saying it is that readiness is about having an awareness of who you are and what you want so that you can identify it when you are experiencing it with another person.  Readiness is also about being strong enough to ’stay the course’ until one gets what one requires, needs and wants in a relationship before making a life commitment to that relationship.  Now, you tell me – are you truly ready for the relationship you say you want???

There are at least 10 Love Readiness areas, such as…

Breaking readiness down into these 10 categories makes it easy to define ‘how ready you are’ in each critical life area.  No, there is no such thing as ‘perfect readiness’ so you don’t have to worry about that, but, what most of us find is that we can improve our readiness.  What’s the benefit of doing this internal, what I call ‘heart work’?  The benefit is that regardless of whether you find a partner you will be a happier person.  Also – people who are ready for love tend to attract more potential life partners and, when they do, know how to date to figure out if a particular partner is for them.

So if you are single, take heart.  Did you know there are now more single people in America than married people?  It’s true.  So the pool is large!  Add to that the fact that more lesbians are living open and honest lives and that there are more interesting and exciting places for lesbians to meet than ever before and I think I can get you to agree with me when I say you may not feel like it yet but, truly, you have the world in the palm of your hand!  Don’t settle for anything less…

If you’d like to learn more about this readiness thing, I’d recommend you take Coach Sappho’s Readiness Quiz.  It’s free, short and sweet and oh so helpful!  OR, if you can’t stand taking quizzes, how about coming to the next, LIVE, Coach Sappho’s ‘Be Ready for Love’ Podcast?

I can’t wait to meet you!

Barb Elgin

“One of the important principles I live by is the idea that you have to contemplate yourself as surrounded by the conditions you intend to produce. The difference between highly functioning people – the people Maslow called self-actualizers – and people who live with ordinary levels of consciousness is that the self-actualizers never put their intention on what they don’t want. They know that what you think about is what expands.”
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

So, here we are – you and I, coming together today.  Now, technically, we aren’t sitting down in front of each other, or, even speaking live and listening to one another’s voice or even instant messaging.  But, that is not what matters.  What matters, I  know deep in my heart, is that what we are doing here is forming a powerful, positive, connection between us for your greater good.

There is beautiful music that you and I can make together that you can’t create anywhere else.  Our relationship offers you something special that will inspire you to live the life your heart (instead of your ego) desires, because it is my intention to help you connect with the part of you that can give you what you need to create such a life.

My work, my legacy, my passion…is about offering you places…spaces…and faces, that support you for becoming your most magnificent self.  Period.  And, that is why I want to get to know you and why you’ll want to get to know, and hang around with, me.

HINT: This site is a blog.  That means it is a place where we can talk.  I will post lots of entries, sometimes daily.  The point of the posts is simply to create an ongoing dialogue of health, wellness, prosperity and fun.  A dialogue that creates an intimacy that…

• helps us build bridges by identifying the life-affirming and respectful values all of us can agree upon, in spite of our differences
• inspires us to enjoy discussions that help us live, love and work smarter
• reminds us to partake of discussions that follow abundant mottos such as, “givers gain” and “in our diversity lies our strength”

One of the most powerful ways I know to create what I want is by planting myself in the fertile soil of people, ideas and activities that help me be who I most want to be and do what I most want to accomplish.  That is what I sincerely hope this blog will help you do.  All you need to do is water the soil and spread some sunshine by showing up and participating.  Then, watch the quality of your life grow, like a beautiful flower.

So, please get involved by commenting on my posts.  You can do this whenever you want on any post by clicking on the ‘comments’ link at the bottom of each post),  What’s cool about this is that by publicly commenting, others will see your posts and be encouraged to offer wisdom or information that can help you and even the rest of our readers.

Or, if you’d like to keep it private, between you and I, call or email me.  Either way is fine.

So, please, feel free to click on the ‘comments’ link below and post or tell me by emailing me what you want to read and hear about.  I’m all ears (and eyes)!!!

Don’t be shy, send me a line and let me know what you need, I want to help you get it.

Barb Elgin