Yesterday, I shared with you Part 1 of this 2 part post on ‘The connection between celebrating your sexuality and deeply satisfying, lasting love’.  Today, in Part 2, I continue to describe the ‘celebrating who you are’ continuum and adopting a celebratory attitude about yourself and your life.

TOLERANCE OF ONE’S LESBIANISM

Tolerance is a stage most gays and lesbians also go through.  When you tolerate something you are acknowledging it (versus denying it).  However, all of us know the feeling of ‘tolerating’ something.  It’s not usually fun, and the attitude is akin to ‘grinning and bearing something’ or ‘putting up with someone or something unpleasant’.

Kind of like the friends and/or family members who choose, after many years of knowing the ‘truth’ about us, to continue to say they aren’t happy with our ‘chosen lifestyle’. People who tolerate us may let us bring our partners to family events and, they may even become fond of our partners.

However, it is less likely they will openly acknowledge our partners fully as our ’spouses’ and they most likely do not view our love relationships as equal to theirs. (more…)

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.” – Unknown

I received the above quote in the ezine of a colleague of mine earlier today.  It got me to thinking about the coming holidays and the new year and it got me curious about you and your life.  I am a deep believer in the benefit of reflection and visioning and it’s positive impact on one’s life.

So, I’ll ask…

“Do you think it would help you to slow down for a few hours this December, reflect upon wisdom gained in 2007 and use what you learn, along with what your heart longs for today, to begin planning for a great 2008?”

Now, you don’t have to do so alone.  I’ve decided to offer my

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008 Tele-seminar

again this year.  Last year, I had quite a bit of interest in the program so I thought I’d run it again!  This program is for everyone and it is not solely relationship-focused like most of my programs (meaning: you have a choice if you want to focus on relationships or some other area(s) of your life)!

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008 Tele-seminar

is a three session program that will help you ‘prime’ yourself for an amazing 2008.  During

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008’s Tele-seminar you will…

• reflect upon your learnings, disappointments and new awarenesses from 2007
• dream big for 2008 and ‘bring your dreams out of hiding’ using some of my favorite ‘visioning’ exercises
• identify and clear out the limiting beliefs that have been stopping you from realizing your vision
• create your unique plan for manifestation in 2008

In addition to these objectives, you will have the benefit of being part of an amazing group of ‘like-minded’ individuals also tuning into themselves and their heart’s desires.  I can tell you from past experience leading these groups and being a participant of them, that the new relationships, ideas, suggestions and support that grow out of participation in one of these tele-seminars is often priceless as far as the value it adds to one’s life!

I’m going to lead this program on Wednesday evenings – December 5th, 12th and 19th from 7:30p-9p ET ONLY and I am going to limit it to 5-10 participants to ensure lots of attention to participant’s needs so be sure to register today to ensure your spot in the class!

In addition, the program will be recorded and will be available to participants only (in case a participant can’t make a ‘live’ meeting and
for participants to refer back to during 2008 for support).

Click here to register now.

AND AS A BONUS:  I’ll be running a contest each night of the class where I’ll be choosing a class member’s name to receive a complimentary gift, Coach Sappho’s FIND YOUR SOUL MATE IN ‘08′ HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE ($129.00 value)!!!  That’s right – this means I’ll be giving away three of these valuable packages.  In an intimate class of 5-10 people the odds are high you’ll win one!!!!

BE well,

As Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, I thought I’d share my ‘heart thoughts’ on the single most important thing you can do today to celebrate the holiday…

Thank yourself and be grateful for YOU!

That’s right!  Take some time today to thank yourself for all that you are and all that you do.  We live in a culture that tends to be so judgmental and/or ‘externally’ focused.  We live in a world that too often values how much we make, how big or modern a home we live in, how much we ‘go all out’ in celebrating, etc.

Now, externals aren’t all bad, mind you.  I too am of the belief that material abundance and inner abundance can go ‘hand-in-hand’.

I hope you’ll take a few minutes to realize all you do for others.  I hope you’ll reflect upon all that’s ‘right’ and ‘good’ about you.  And I hope you’ll think about all the wonderful characteristics that make up you.  Your core values, your strengths, your uniqueness and how you positively impact the world.

This is not a selfish, mediate on your navel suggestion.  Taking care of you (the golden goose) is vital to continuing to lay those golden eggs!  This is ESPECIALLY important if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered (or intersexed, for that matter), because society doesn’t fully yet ‘get’ our value to the whole and, instead, often tries to take away our joy.  Don’t let them! 

Just because some people still have ‘issues’, INSIDE OF THEM (not you) regarding gender and sex, that doesn’t mean YOU have to take on their problems or burdens.

So, don’t lose ‘you’ in the process of today’s events.  There are many ways to ‘lose you’ today.  However, I won’t even list them here, because words have power.  Instead I want you to envision the day you desire and then, go forth with your day.  Period! 

As you are challenged to stay WITH your vision of a perfect day, just remember the ‘voice of Coach Sappho’ inside your head and heart, gently encouraging you back on YOUR path…

Part of your perfect day vision probably includes remembering to do at least a couple of the daily routines you participate in that keep you well, such as exercise, meditation, prayer, making love (like how I put that right next to prayer!?!), even some good ‘ol portion control or, at a minimum, eating small portions of the most ‘fattening’ stuff, etc….

And let me know how doing all of this impacts the Thanksgiving you experience!  Post your thoughts and feelings about it all right here on the blog.

Lastly, if you are despairing today, take a moment and read the words Orlando realtor and colleague, Danny Veal, sent me in a Thanksgiving email card today.  What a positive ‘reframe’ indeed, so, thank you! Danny…

Thoughts for Thanksgiving

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary, because it means you’ve made a difference. It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Have a wonderful day!

Barb Elgin
Founder/CEO
Coach Sappho?
Inspiring healthy and fulfilling
lesbian dating and mating!

I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…

Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?

I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue.  She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her.  Afterall, they didn’t outright ’shun’ her.  Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc. 

However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room:  that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them.  Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else:  alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc.  And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life.  For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.

She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives.  It seemed they were ashamed.

And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone.  Why wouldn’t they?  Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too. 

And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering. 

The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces

My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.

So, what do I mean when I say this client is ’showing signs of wear’?  She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong.  She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship.  Her small business is struggling to grow.  I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress.  For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.

However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food.  And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before:  her blood pressure is borderline high.  She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough.  She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).

So, why not blame her behavior choices?  Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation.  She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still.  And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family.  She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first.  And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ’stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her. 

I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside.  Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’.  Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?

The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us

My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her.  She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day.  Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!”  As if this was supposed to be a comfort.

My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’.  Meaning:  my client had allowed it!

I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her!  And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids.  She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.

Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part

All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner.  Martina stated, and I quote,

“I don’t want homosexual rights.  I want equal rights, period!  It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”

During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’.  I am very fed up with that one too!

The bottom line is this:  As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves.  She says we can all do more, our part.  She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean.  She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one.  Her dream is for all those drops coming together.

I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours!  We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us.  Because apparently, they never will…

Back to my client.  We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds.  Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out.  I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.

Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!

Barb Elgin

Right now I’m taking a lunch break.  I turned on the T.V. to find a live broadcast on CNN of President Bush, Speaker Nanci Pelosi and other officials awarding the Dalai Lama the Congressional Medal of Honor, which is called the ‘highest civilian award’.

The Dalai is now speaking to the audience, from a prepared speech.  He started off with much humor (mostly about himself and his English).  He states he insists that he speak today in English, although his command of the language is poor!  He says he started learning English in the 1940’s and, at 72, still doesn’t speak it well.  I disagree.  He is having alot of fun making light of his mistakes while reading.

We should thank him for respecting Americans enough to put his ego aside in this way!  This is no small feat, is it?  Put yourself in his shoes:  if another country was awarding you a medal, could you go there and do a speech in their language?

By the way, there was a hysterically funny (to me at least!) moment.  Dalai was very gracious and thankful to those who gave him the award, but he was able to sneak in, without really offending anyone (too much I hope!) that ‘these people’ (meaning politicians) have a tendency to lie, however most of them have many strengths and need to be appreciated for their contributions.  The Dalai has a courageously funny spirit, doesn’t he!?!

I am impressed that we are awarding the Dalai Lama this medal.  I like that we are acknowledging a very visible, NON-Christian leader/figure!  I am especially happy our republican president is a part of this ceremony.  Yes, there are political reasons – President Bush spoke earlier today and, while I didn’t hear his speech, I did catch him saying something about improving relationships with China and I am hoping he will follow the Dalai’s lead in his message of ‘Prosperity and Peace’ (perhaps diplomacy?) and not up the ante with a threat to go to war.

Again, what I really liked upon hearing about this event, is the honoring of a spiritual leader other than a Christian one.  Christianity is a major faith on the planet and, in America, but it is by far the only one.  There are hundreds of faiths.  In honoring the Dalai in this way, American leaders show their respect for having diverse faiths work together and find their commonalities (instead of their differences), which is the usual order of the day.

I am glad to see American leaders openly associate themselves with the Dalai.  We need this in America.  I’m sure this award rankles some Christian fundamentalist leaders.  Too bad!  We are a nation founded upon religious pluralism and individual freedom and privacy to practice our spiritual faith as each of us desires.

Here are some of the compelling values/principles the Dalai mentioned in his talk that I think bear repeating…

• non-violence
• inter-religious understanding
• spiritual freedom
• liberty
• truth
• justice
• costs of democracy
• respect for human rights

Wahoo!  Here’s a victory for humanity today!  A bright light indeed…Does anyone know if Richard Gere was there!?!

For those of you who wonder where the Dalai Lama stands on the issue of homosexuality, he is affirmative!  He’s spoken openly about his support of the human rights of GLBT’s for years and has often met with the GLBT community.  He is particularly concerned about violence perpetrated against GLBT’s due to people’s prejudices and misunderstanding.

I spent most of late last week and the weekend attending a fantastic conference on the topic of psychiatry and mental health.  Nothing like being surrounded by about 2,000 ’shrinks’!

Great people, by the way.  I met folks from all over the world as well as neighbors/colleagues I didn’t know I had!  It’s really funny how that works.  The world is truly a small place. 

The conference took place at a resort-style hotel in Orlando.  You know psychiatrists – they work hard and play hard!  I do know we sure ate well!

At the risk of over-simplifying (which is truly impossible to avoid, but I’ll do my best), I’d like to share with you some of the most memorable information I learned during this ‘cutting edge’ conference:

• The field of medicine is coming to understand that depression is a ‘whole body’ illness (versus a condition that is ‘all in your head’).  What this means is that the body and brain are somehow closely involved in creating depression and/or creating or exacerbating traditional ‘physical’ illnesses such as heart disease and diabetes.
• The field of medicine is also coming to respect the so-called ‘psychosomatic’ illness of fibromyalgia as a serious medical diagnosis.
• Talk therapies and exercise, not just medications, can work together (and sometimes on their own) to improve mood and save or grow cell volume in important areas of the brain.
• Un- or under-treated depression can lead to the death of brain cells in key areas of the brain (leading to problems in cognition, memory, the ability to organize/plan, make sound decisions, etc.).
• Great strides are being made in the treatment of bipolar disorder (while bipolar, mixed continues to be the hardest to treat) as well as schizophrenia.
• There is a ‘revolution’ growing amongst physicians who are starting to stand up to the negative impact managed care is having on the doctor-patient relationship.

In addition to all of this technical stuff, one of the most well attended lectures was one given by a psychiatrist whose specialty is love!  I was very intrigued by his presentation and plan to explore his work as it might help me enhance my abilities in working with singles and couples.

Speaking of which, the last idea I want to share with you that was discussed during the conference was the topic of personality change over one’s lifetime.

Yes, all of us have ‘personalities’ that make you ‘you’ and me ‘me’.  However, this ‘unique-ness’  does change for most of us over the course of our lifetimes.  Would I recognize you at 70 if I hadn’t spent any time with you since you were 20?  Great question, isn’t it?

I do know this:  if I accepted every theory about personality that emphasized immutability over adaption and evolution, I probably wouldn’t have chosen coaching as a career.  I tend to minimize theories that look at my personality as fixed.  For example:  if I accepted the theory that people who are shy can’t become less so, you probably wouldn’t have met me because I’d be in a much less visible profession!

I look at most personality tests or assessments as a ’starting point’, meaning, here is how you look at ‘you’ right now.  But, that doesn’t mean that’s it.  The problem with these sorts of tests and theories starts when we LIMIT ourselves based on our scores.

The problem with personality tests, theories and ‘results’/’scores’, in my opinion, occurs when individuals take them as the gospel truth and start to live their lives IN REACTION TO them or as a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY!  I don’t know about you but I don’t believe I’m merely reduceable to a number, label or technical phrase. 

In addition, when we start using a personality score as an excuse to stop engaging as fully as we can with life, I think we are in trouble.

Where do we draw the lines?  At what point are medications actually detrimental, as well?  The answers aren’t always clear cut and I don’t think Thomas Szasz, the guy who debunks most psychology, is completely nuts!  There is some truth to the thought that labelling someone immediately puts a distance between you and them and/or reduces them to a ‘case’ instead of a person.

I look at humans as much less ‘determined’ than most personality theories would suggest.  Given the right kind and amount of support, most humans can blossom in incredible ways.  And, we now know that the brain doesn’t stop growing once we become adults.  So, I don’t buy anyone’s excuse not to try because they are ‘too old to change’!  We just need to figure out someone’s passion and help them create change in a way that impassions them to do so!

Lastly, personality ‘traits’ and sexual orientation are two different things.  Sexual orientation, on the whole, is not chosen, while personality (or, behavior) is more malleable.  I know some folks will disagree with me however, that is my sense of things at this point, given the research.