“Wanting to commit to the person you love and assure that your relationship and your family has every legal protection available is basic human nature.”
- Dan Furmansky, Executive Director, Equality Maryland

According to my colleague and friend Dan Furmansky from Equality Maryland…

“The Connecticut Supreme Court ruled 4-3 today that it is unconstitutional to deny marriage equality to gay and lesbian couples. The decision overturns a lower court ruling that found no real harm to same-sex couples because Connecticut grants many of the state-level protections of married couples through civil unions. The Supreme Court disagreed with the lower court and ruled that the civil unions scheme is not acceptable and discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation…Connecticut is now the third U.S. state to grant the freedom to marry to same-sex couples, after Massachusetts and California. New York, in addition, recognizes marriages betweens same-sex couples performed in other states.”

Congratulations to Connecticut and thank you to the judges on their state’s supreme court, for voting on the side of truth and fairness!

For more information on this breaking news, click here for an article on the news in the Boston Globe.

Great news from the gay marriage homefront: it’s almost getting too difficult to keep up with the positive reports!  This past week, Oregon passed a domestic partnership law that isn’t equal to marriage but is a definite step forward in that state’s march towards full marriage equality for all of it’s citizens!  This now means that a total of nine states (and Washington, D.C.) have some sort of legal protection on the books for same sex couples!  Wahoo!

What’s also cool about the legislation is that it came packaged with a law banning discrimination in the area of sexual orientation.

Even better, as I read an article in the Oregonian about the news, what stood out to me, as a relationship coach, was the following paragraph:

“In Oregon, a same sex couple will register in their county to enter a domestic partnership contract that will give them all of the state benefits of marriage.  It also gives them the responsibilities – including the possibility of having to pay child and partner support in the event of a dissolution.”

In particular I relished reading the part about responsibilities.  While many of us are enjoying, for the first time, legal and social recognition for our partnerships, we mustn’t forget that freedom isn’t free – rights come with responsibilities.  Up until the passage of laws such as the above, same sex couples haven’t had to stop and think about the negative legal consequences of dissolving a union. 

Legal responsibility, I think, is just as important, if not THE MOST important value conferred by any law giving same sex couples legal recognition for their relationships.  I can’t tell you how difficult it is to help a lesbian couple through the inevitable power struggle or conflict stage of their relationship when both partners aren’t clear whether they are committed to the relationship.

It’s a refreshing change to coach a couple who HAS had, at a minimum, a formal, public, civil union or, signed a domestic partnership or relationship agreement pledging their commitment to one another and the relationship AND who abides by such a commitment.  Not that a legal, public ceremony or piece of paper called a marriage license is enough.  There are many long term, gay and lesbian couples who’ve never shared a ceremony and/or license who are truly committed to the relationship.  However, for the majority of us, a formal structure could really help.

All of this takes on added importance for those lesbian couples who have children or plan to have children!  Lots more on commitment to come as you know it is a BIG part of what I teach couples.

To read the article on the new Oregan law, click here.

Today’s Pop Quiz on Gay Marriage:  How many same sex marriages are currently recorded in Massachusetts? (Don’t peek! – Take a good guess and look for the answer at the end of today’s post).

I’ve decided to add a new series to Coach Sappho’s ‘Authentic Loving’ blog called, simply ‘Gay Marriage Update’ (if you can think of a better catch phrase which describes these posts, email me and let me know). 

As I come across the news and events regarding gay marriage that I think important for you to know (such as the positive progress of same sex marriage rights in the U.S. and around the world), I’ll do my best to cull news together in one place for you here!

I’m hoping you, as a savvy reader, will increase your interest in the subject of gay marriage.  I make no bones about it – I believe gays and lesbians should have the same rights as straight couples in marrying the person they love.  I believe, based on my understanding of the U.S. Constitution, that same sex couples are being denied their full and equal rights.  And I also believe that other legal arrangements such as domestic partnership and civil unions don’t quite ‘cut’ it.  Yes, these ‘bandaids’ are better than nothing, but they are a far cry from legal marriage.

We can be the change we want to see.  I want to stand before my loved ones (those family and friends who love me as I am) and the universe and marry my beloved in this lifetime. 

I also don’t want to play the serial monogamy game anymore and I’m tired of U-Haul relating.  I say we need to ‘raise the bar’ on our standards regarding our precious relationships.  Obviously, we are probably doing not much worse than heterosexual marrieds (with their 50-60% divorce rate and 60-some percent marital affair rate), but if we were able to respect ourselves and our relationships more, we could probably show straights a thing or two about keeping a relationship together.

And, with the increase in ability for our communities to connect via the internet, global travel, etc., I believe we can be choosy and we don’t have to settle for a ‘scarcity mentality’ (where we believe we have to settle because it’s so hard to find other same sex, compatible, potential life partners).  How about you? 

If you’re single, aren’t you ready to find a LIFE partner and partnership???  And, if you are in a relationship, aren’t you ready to give it what it needs to last (and grow)?  Afterall, what’s the alternative?  Me myself I’d rather invest – on all levels – in someone and something I know will most likely be there tomorrow.

Even if you are anti-marriage in general, because you’ve seen the negatives of a still, sometimes ‘patriarchal’ system, don’t you want to help those gay friends of yours who WANT to get married succeed?

By reading this blog, I guarantee you will become more knowledgeable about what is going on in the world regarding same sex marriage and why it’s so important for gays to have this right, particularly when it comes to those LESS talked about levels: the impact on an individual’s self esteem, career success, one’s family and community as a whole, children, emotional and physical health, etc.  I also hope you getting more information will inspire you to get more involved in helping justice happen in more places. 

I promise you this: as you join me in helping you and other GLBT’s (and allies)…

• you will improve your own self respect (and happiness) by becoming the best person you can be so you don’t feel you have to ‘settle’ for any relationship
• you will take your time to date and not rush into an exclusive and committed relationship until you are sure it is a great move for you
• you will take even more time as a ‘pre-committed’ or premarital couple to stop and ask yourselves (and truly discern) ‘is this the relationship for me?’ BEFORE you make a formal commitment to one another
• you will walk away if you and your partner aren’t a ‘good enough’ fit
• you will do whatever it takes to be sure your newly minted, committed relationship gets off the ground on the right foot
• you will do whatever it takes to ensure your committed relationship lasts (and is deeply satisfying too)

Wow, I’m psyched, are you?

Gay Marriage Update – April 3, 2007

As usual alot is going on, in our favor!  Kudos to Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, who ordered the recording of 26 marriages that former governor Mitt Romney refused to allow on the record books.  These 26 couples are residents of other states but came to Massachusetts to marry.

I’m glad to see Massachusett’s new governor being more conscious of the gay marriage issue and inclusive of the needs of gay couples.  While these couples still won’t be recognized as married in their states (and of course they still aren’t recognized federally), they are at least being given their due, written recognition in the records, avoiding the invisibility that was occurring.

On another note, hold yer breath:  the city of San Francisco and 22 gay couples from California have gone to the state supreme court to hear their case for equal marriage rights.  A ruling would probably take at least a year, according to experts and this is the path that couples took in Massachusetts, which was the first state to legalize gay marriage, in 2003.

Number of Massachusetts same sex marriages:  approximately 8,000.

As I write to you it is, literally, the calm before the storm here in central Florida. I was just outside and the stars are in the night sky, white and bright. It’s very unusual for two major hurricanes to visit Florida in one month like this, something that occurs only about every 50 years or so. Such a coincidence that I’ve barely gotten settled here and mother nature keeps me on my toes.

Into every perfect life a little rain must fall, I guess, especially when you live in paradise. I’ve had a decent week so far. Rolled out a new tele-group with another coach and am finishing up my book any day!

There’s Life in the Desert – Love is Ageless and Timeless

Alot has been made about the conservatism in the area I live, but let me tell you I’ve found an oasis to drink from on my Sundays. I’ve been wanting to tell you about the incredible church group I’ve discovered since moving here. They are Unitarian Universalists and pretty much all of the members are in their 70′s and beyond. These people just amaze me, their love and support is so strong. I’ve been welcomed, and I mean, all of me, especially the gay part, with open arms by this gang of independent-minded, loving retirees. This past Sunday, the “sermon” was entitled “Marriage is a Civil Union.” A wonderful husband and wife gave the talk and shared with participants why gays need the right to marry and why society has such irrational fears about gay people. After the service, one of the women came up to me and said “Now you’re really interesting!” She shared with me the enjoyment she has with her gay and lesbian friends and how she might as well be a lesbian even though she’s been happily married 52 years!!!

So, don’t despair if you aren’t getting the support you need – you might just find it in the most unlikely of places. Don’t give up. Life is abundant, and provides, even in the midst of stormy weather!

If you are, like me, in the hurricane’s path, be sure to prepare and be safe. I will drop another line when the sun comes out again!