So I want to encourage the woman who this is happening to, to just follow your true self. Just be your authentic self because there’s nothing sexier or more beautiful than that. You can be younger and a fake…I much prefer talking with [or] being friends with the person who’s older and themselves.
- Carol Leifer, comedian

The topic of discovering you are lesbian at age 40 or older is a hot one, in the media and in the press.  It is really not known how common this phenomenon of ‘coming out later in life’ is, but, it definitely touches a nerve, especially in the lesbian community.

This morning I was catching up on some email and I came across a great article on the comedian Carol Leifer, whose story of coming out at midlife is now spreading across the country.   She’s even written a book about her experience, called “When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win”.

It is really not known how common this phenomenon is, but, it definitely touches a nerve, especially in the lesbian community.

Now, certainly Leifer’s story is unusual in that she’s famous (actually, I hadn’t heard of her until her life story has become more visible).   And, she admits it’s easier for her living in Los Angeles, where there is a higher percentage of gays and lesbians than many areas of the country.

However, it turned out that Leifer wasn’t just ‘experimenting’.  At first she admits she was looking for a ‘sexual’ fling, but here it is 13 years later and she’s been a relationship with the first woman she met (and fell in love with) since then.

I thought it might be interesting to discuss, here on the blog, her story, as it relates to yours.  Did you come out ‘later in life’, like Carol?  If you did, how did it go (or, how is it going) for you?  What were/are your biggest challenges?

Did/do you encounter frustration from lesbians you date as you ‘figure it all out’?  How is your family handling your ‘mid-course change’?

What differences, if any, do you experience, between being with a man and being with a woman in a love or dating relationship?

Fascinating subject, isn’t it?

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by Coach Sappho’s website today, take Coach Sappho’s ‘Luscious Lesbian Living and Loving Quiz’ and call Barb to set up a complimentary phone call to get the most out of your results.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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Well hello!  How have you been?  It’s been busy as usual over here at Coach Sappho.

• Looking on the bright side this week I’d like to congratulate the State of Maine, who became the 16th state to add sexual orientation and gender identity to a Maine law that bars discrimination in employment, housing, credit, public accomodations and education.
• How’s your love life?  If you’ve ever been in a relationship over a year, you know things tend to “cool down.”  But, is it inevitable that they “cool off?”  I’ll never forget what the psychology professor I took a Human Sexuality class with in college said:

Did you know that your biggest sex organ is between your ears!?!

Yes, indeed, is she nuts, now, just what did she mean?  That imagination, mystery and creativity are sexy turn ons!  So, don’t let your brain cells go limp when it comes to sex and intimacy, even if you are not in a relationship (catch my drift!). 

Hate to break it to you but love isn’t all wine, roses and, for some of us, chocolates!  We have to add a dash of brain food in there too once in awhile.

Make time for sensuality in your life, you deserve it (and it’s no doubt great for stress reduction!).  Stimulate your dendrites and they will give you a tingle!

And, if you’re looking for suggestions to jump start your brain, here’s a couple of my favorite books/tapes on the subject:

Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, EdD (book) (audiotape) – excellent ideas delivered in an often humorous manner.  I just love Pat Love!!!

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman – full of education and information

Or, here’s a simple suggestion that goes the distance:  each of you should make a list of activities you’ve gotten away from doing that you enjoy or that you’ve fantasized about or want to try.  Then, be sure to do one of those activities at least once a week, alternating back and forth.  And, again, if you are a single slinger, make a list and treat yourself.

Champions keep playing until they get it right! – Billie Jean King

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin

For those of us in the northern hemisphere, spring has sprung!  While it may not feel that way yet (hey – it’s even been dark, chilly and rainy here in Central Florida the past couple of days!), you can bet warm, sunny days are just around the bend.

WHAT’S HAPPENING AT COACH SAPPHO:  Look what Coach Sappho has been cookin’ up for you, to keep you warm and toasty till lady spring pokes her head out:

Famous author, Angela Bonavoglia is Coach Sappho’s “Uncommon Courage” guest for March 2005.

Thursday, 3/31/05, from 7-8pm EST

Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club’s “Uncommon Courage” guest for March 2005 is a fabulous ally by the name of Ms. Angela Bonavoglia.  I met Ms. Bonavoglia about 18 months ago while interviewing Kathy Itzin, the catholic religious education instructor from Minnesota who had a lifetime achievement award taken back by her city’s bishop when he found out she was a lesbian.

Angela Bonavoglia has just published her latest book, Good Catholic Girls:  How Women are Leading the Fight to Change the Church.  Angela Bonavoglia is an award-winning journalist and author who covers social, health, religious and women�s issues. A previous book on abortion, The Choices We Made, was featured on Oprah. Her feature articles, investigative reports, op-eds, personal essays, and profiles have appeared in Ms. (longtime contributing editor), the Chicago Tribune, Redbook, Mirabella, Cosmopolitan, Newsday, and The New York Times, among other publications.

Angela’s article, “The Church�s Tug of War,” about women as an invisible force for reform in the Roman Catholic Church, was the lead article in The Nation in the wake of the clergy sex abuse scandals of 2002.

I can’t wait to talk with her about how and why she chose the career path she is on today.  Aren’t you curious?  I hope you will join her and I via the teleconference bridge on March 31st for an exciting discussion.  If you have specific questions you’d like me to ask her during the interview, email me so I can prepare.

Click here to read more about Ms. Bonavoglia and her latest book.  Or visit her website: http://www.goodcatholicgirls.com.