The topic of discovering you are lesbian at age 40 or older is a hot one, in the media and in the press.  It is really not known how common this phenomenon of ‘coming out later in life’ is, but, it definitely touches a nerve, especially in the lesbian community.

This morning I was catching up on some email and I came across a great article on the comedian Carol Leifer, whose story of coming out at midlife is now spreading across the country.   She’s even written a book about her experience, called “When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win”.

It is really not known how common this phenomenon is, but, it definitely touches a nerve, especially in the lesbian community.

Now, certainly Leifer’s story is unusual in that she’s famous (actually, I hadn’t heard of her until her life story has become more visible).   And, she admits it’s easier for her living in Los Angeles, where there is a higher percentage of gays and lesbians than many areas of the country.

However, it turned out that Leifer wasn’t just ‘experimenting’.  At first she admits she was looking for a ‘sexual’ fling, but here it is 13 years later and she’s been a relationship with the first woman she met (and fell in love with) since then.

I thought it might be interesting to discuss, here on the blog, her story, as it relates to yours.  Did you come out ‘later in life’, like Carol?  If you did, how did it go (or, how is it going) for you?  What were/are your biggest challenges?

Did/do you encounter frustration from lesbians you date as you ‘figure it all out’?  How is your family handling your ‘mid-course change’?

What differences, if any, do you experience, between being with a man and being with a woman in a love or dating relationship?

Fascinating subject, isn’t it?

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by Coach Sappho’s website today, take Coach Sappho’s ‘Luscious Lesbian Living and Loving Quiz’ and call Barb to set up a complimentary phone call to get the most out of your results.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

TOLERANCE OF ONE’S LESBIANISM

Tolerance is a stage most gays and lesbians also go through.  When you tolerate something you are acknowledging it (versus denying it).  However, all of us know the feeling of ‘tolerating’ something.  It’s not usually fun, and the attitude is akin to ‘grinning and bearing something’ or ‘putting up with someone or something unpleasant’.

Kind of like the friends and/or family members who choose, after many years of knowing the ‘truth’ about us, to continue to say they aren’t happy with our ‘chosen lifestyle’. People who tolerate us may let us bring our partners to family events and, they may even become fond of our partners.

However, it is less likely they will openly acknowledge our partners fully as our ‘spouses’ and they most likely do not view our love relationships as equal to theirs. As far as your own belief about yourself at this stage, it’s not so hot.  When you merely tolerate who you are, you are more prone to accepting negative treatment by others, you may still be hiding your gayness to co-workers, close friends and family, etc.  And, romantically-speaking, because you aren’t feeling a high degree of self esteem, you tend to attract relationships where you are ‘in hiding’, or that are unsatisfying and/or don’t last.

Why do you (and others) do these things?

Because the stage of tolerance still has degrees of denial and shame within it along with a greater degree of ‘lack of awareness’ of who you are and what you want. Then again, if you find yourself (or you find friends and family here), tolerance is infinitely better than it’s opposites: rejection and intolerance.  In fact, if you ask me tolerance and intolerance aren’t that far apart.

ACCEPTANCE OF ONE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION

At some point, thankfully, for many of us, we come to accept being gay.  Perhaps we grow a bit older and wiser or we grow tired of the hiding or minimizing.  We decide the ‘costs’ of not living more fully are too high.  No longer denying or tolerating ourselves, we poke a truer self out into the world.  Now, we may still stay ‘in the closet’ in places and with people we aren’t completely sure will accept us, however, less and less we care what others think about us.

Getting to this stage in the celebration process is indeed a relief.  In the dictionary, acceptance for our purposes is defined as approval or being ‘well received’.  Sounds good, right?  So why isn’t acceptance enough?  Some of us think this is the ‘end goal’, but, in reality acceptance is merely the beginning of really living!  Yes, there are even better days ahead, if we are willing to stretch ourselves a bit more.

CELEBRATING BEING A LESBIAN

When I explain the difference between accepting oneself and celebrating oneself, most of my clients get very excited.  My favorite dictionary definitions for celebration are…

• observing with respect and festivity
• praising or extolling
• to make widely known through display

Now do you see (and feel) the difference between acceptance and celebration?

Wow, while acceptance is, what I would call the ‘Jr.’ version of ‘having it all’, celebration is truly ‘having it all’ in my book. The thought of actually celebrating oneself, like one does on their birthday or when enjoying a great achievement sounds very cool.  Then, for some, fear creeps in.

How in the world, many ask, can I feel this good?  Is it possible?  Is it realistic? Yes, actually living from a space of celebration about who you are is realistic and very do-able.  You do have to be willing to let go of your fears of how others will receive you.  However, the rewards are great.  Consider feeling, for the first time, that you are just another variation on the theme of life and love?  No better than anyone else, but equal to your heterosexual parents, siblings, friends, etc.

Consider also feeling, for the first time, that being gay or lesbian is natural, normal and, even, wonderful!  Like straight people always assume they are. For those of you who ARE psychologically impacted by your environment (and all of us are to some degree), surveys of course have their limits, but one I noticed recently might give you hope and raise your ability to celebrate yourself for being GLBT.  That’s right – a recent (October 2008) Harris Interactive Poll found that

“…nearly nine out of 10 (87%) heterosexuals said that if someone were to come out to them as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it would have a positive or no impact on how they would view gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. The survey also revealed that two out of three (67%) heterosexual adults agree that if someone they knew is gay or lesbian, they’d want that individual to be open and honest with them about it, rather than feel the need to hide who he or she really is.”

Wow!  I know that poll instilled more hope in me.  How about you?  Be sure to read details of the poll here.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CELEBRATION AND DEEPLY SATISFYING, LASTING LOVE: Why isn’t acceptance or, even, tolerance enough?

I began this two part post talking about the concept of readiness and how celebrating one’s sexuality and deeply satisfying, lasting love goes hand-in-hand.  Just how so?  Here are some of my thoughts on why getting to the stage of celebrating your sexuality will help you on your journey of love…

• The more you celebrate your sexuality, the better you feel about yourself.  Any remnants of shame ‘fall way’.
• The better you feel about yourself, the less you ‘tolerate’ a life that isn’t brilliantly full.
• The less you tolerate a life that isn’t brilliantly full, the more exciting and purposeful a life you envision.
• The grander the life vision you pursue, the more excited you become about fulfilling your purpose in this lifetime.
• The more excited and into your life vision you become, the more you love you and your life.
• The more you fall in love with yourself and your life, the more attractive you become in the world.
• The more attractive you become in the world, the more you attract others to you and, if you are in a relationship, the more attractive you are to your partner.

If you are coupled, living a celebratory life, you are able to sustain, even when times are tough, an attitude of graciousness and hope.  You choose to see what is positive about yourself and your partner if you are coupled.  You choose to celebrate all that is the two of you.  The beautiful things you’ve created together.  Despite the hard moments, you appreciate and relish how one + one =’s more than two!

If you are single, you choose to stay busy, creating a life YOU love, whether or not another person has as of yet appeared to build an amazing future together with, because you trust in time that will occur.

Single or coupled, when you celebrate who you are, you think enough of yourself to fill your life with activities and people who celebrate who you are along with you! I don’t know about you but I’ll choose celebration over acceptance any day!  How about you???

As I talk with lesbian singles and couples all over the world, I am struck how often they aren’t aware how their level of self acceptance and celebration of their lesbianism impacts their ability to find, grow and nurture a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship.

Celebration of one’s sexual orientation is one of the ten most important ‘love readiness’ areas.  For those of you new to the idea of readiness, readiness is a concept that says your ability and availability to attract, form and grow a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship is dependent upon your ‘readiness’ for such a relationship.

Following from the above definition, whether you are single or coupled, the more ‘ready’ you are for love, the more love you can experience and create with another woman.

TAKE COACH SAPPHO’S RELATIONSHIP READINESS QUIZ

For those of you who have taken my 10 question, quick, yet powerful quiz – Coach Sappho’s Relationship Readiness Quiz – you know that question number ten asks you to assess, on a scale from 0 to 10, how much you celebrate (versus merely tolerate, or, accept) your sexuality.  If you haven’t yet taken the quiz, I highly encourage you do so.  The quiz is free and you receive your score immediately!

THE CONTINUUM CELEBRATING WHO YOU ARE

There seems to be a continuum, which I’ll call ‘celebrating who I am, lesbian and all’, that operates on both the conscious and even more importantly, subconscious, levels, for all of us.  I see this continuum as similar to the Kinsey Scale, which suggests that each individual experiences their ‘sexual orientation’ as falling somewhere between ’100% straight’ to ’100% gay’ (with gradations in between).

I love ‘continuum’ scales, because we all know that life and reality has a lot of ‘gray’ in it. So, in terms of ‘celebration of one’s sexuality’, I propose the following continuum…

| ———————  |  ———————   |  ————————-  |
denial          tolerance                acceptance                    celebration

DENIAL OF ONE’S GAYNESS

Most of us evolve through the continuum, beginning with a denial of our sexuality.  I would say denial ranges from mild to severe.  Mild forms of denial include those who discover their same sex crushes and attractions early (say, in adolescence), but do choose to act on them in early adulthood, but from a position of not having such a great attitude about their sexuality.

Moderate denial includes the stories of women who come out later in life saying that they knew they were gay from the beginning, but chose to live a heterosexual life, often getting married and having kids with a husband, because they weren’t ready to deal with the consequences of living their truth as a lesbian.

Severe denial includes the stories of people you hear ‘coming out’ later in life, after their teens or early 20′s, saying they ‘had no idea’ they were gay until then.  This includes women who ‘discover’ in their 40′s, 50′s or beyond that they are gay.

Some researchers will probably disagree with me here, saying sexuality is ‘fluid’ and, people who ‘come out’ later in life could have been straight earlier in their life and are just now ‘becoming gay’.  Now, I don’t know ultimately ‘what is true’, however, these definitions are mine and are based on what I’ve observed only.  I am also not making any judgments on anyone’s experience of denial.  Everyone’s upbringing, personality, social environment, etc., is unique, and everyone usually does the best they can at any one time, given the forces operating in a person’s life.

Be sure to return to this blog tomorrow and catch part two of this two part post, where I talk in greater detail about the ‘celebrating who you are’ continuum, including what celebration is and how it is a necessary requirement for creating deeply satisfying, lasting love with another woman.

So, if…

• you are a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered) or GLBT-friendly individual, couple, parent(s), family, group or organization and you are ready to clarify your individual and/or mutual life vision(s) and live that vision with gusto OR
• you are GLBT (or think you might be) and you are ready to live a more authentic life

I’ll bet it’s worth your time to get to know me.  To get started, be sure to check out:

• Coach Sappho®, which I founded in 2001, offers exciting, cutting edge relationship enhancement and improvement coaching, seminars and conferences (by telephone and in person) for singles and couples who sincerely value and are committed to finding, creating and cherishing a deeply satisfying, lifelong relationship with an ‘ideal’ partner.
• LesbianDatingCoach, a blog specifically for lesbian singles, 18 and up.
• Authentic Loving, a blog where you’ll find oodles of relationship articles and posts written by myself and other experts, online discussions, tips and resources.
• Relationship MAGIC for Life, where you’ll learn 5 keys to relationship success.
• Authentic Gay Living, which provides a ‘safe place’ exploring what it means to live an authentic gay life and why supporting individuals for doing so is morally right.

© 2001-2006, Barb Elgin (DBA BE A Success Enterprises, LLC). Coach Sappho® is a registered U.S. Trademark, 2006-2011. All rights reserved.