However, what about when things aren’t going so swimmingly? This is truly where we separate the men from the boys, or, the happy versus unhappy couples.  You see, it seems how we handle the difficult moments in our relationship – when we are feeling not-so-playful or positive,  such as when we are frustrated, angry or feel some type of negativity towards our partner or our relationship – determines whether we (and our partner) will continue to feel positive about our relationship and emotionally invest in it…or not!

John Gottman coined this very useful idea, this visual of ‘kicking around the soccer ball’, after observing thousands of gay and straight couples in his notorious love lab.  Gottman discovered there is a big difference between…

• the couples who have ‘mastered’ handling conflict and
• those couples whose behavior, when it comes to negatively-charged situations, incites an escalation of the conflict, withdrawal in one or both partners, etc.

Couples who handle conflict well kick problems and disagreements around ‘like playing with a soccer ball’.  How does this ‘play’ itself out behaviorally? 

Lesbian couples who play verbal soccer tend to look at disagreements as

• ‘outside of themselves’
• something they need to ‘kick around’ and look at to either make light of, make a game of, better understand, etc.

Couples who do not play verbal soccer when they disagree tend to

• blame the conflict on something inside their partner or themselves (or both)
• not be able to see (or consider) any perspective other than their own

The bottom line for lesbian couples is that when you don’t know how to play, chances are you are DOING things in your interactions with each other that sabotage the good feelings you share.  And, when that occurs, you start to disconnect, even if it only begins at a very subtle level.

Over time, these negative behaviors can create a wide gulf between you and, the next thing you know you are playing on opposite teams instead of the same team!

How are you doing? Even if you aren’t coupled, it’s important to look at all of your most important relationships and assess how well the two of you are handling your conflicts.  Gottman’s research also indicates that conflict isn’t the problem: even happy couples argue.  It’s how we handle the more frequent, small, negative interactions we have, as well as the unresolvable problems we share that determines whether we remain happy together or, if we even stay together!

So, the next time you ‘butt heads’ with someone you care about, your best option is to ‘head butt’ the ball onto the playing field and coax your partner to ‘play along’!  

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.