Now, each one of us has different situation.  Some of us are no where near ready to talk so openly with our loved ones.  Perhaps we haven’t cultivated this level of closeness (yet!) with loved ones.

But, perhaps there is someone in your life – someone who is ‘on the fence’ or ‘apathetic’ about the same sex issue.  Perhaps this is someone you can share these ‘talking points’ with today or this coming holiday season.  Perhaps it’s even another GLBT person who doesn’t understand the implications like you do.

Or, perhaps your relationship with a particular loved one IS most likely ‘ready’ for this conversation.  If you think it might be, I would encourage you to consider moving that relationship into it’s next, more authentic level.

Perhaps you work in a workplace where you have some employer (or governmental) protections.  If you do and you are comfortable mixing politics with work (some folks say that is not a good idea, some thinks it is important to do so), you may want to consider sharing these talking points at work, say, with your gay-straight employee alliance or something.

For example, here’s a simple action you can take right now, sitting at your computer, thanks to the Human Rights Campaign:

Send an HRC card – That’s right.  The Human Rights Campaign has designed an easy way for you to educate your loved ones about the human right of marriage.  Click here to get started.

Why do I think it is important to take actions like sending HRC cards and those suggested below? Because if you are a GLBT person, to keep silent, all the time, is NOT good for your mental and physical health.  There IS a real strain on us when we can’t be ourselves in our relationships with others.

And, when the silence concerns who we are, how we love, and who we love, keeping the silence is especially toxic, as intimate relationships go to the core of life and love.  To have to silence oneself is dramatically holding back the forces of life and love in ways that has to hurt.

But Barb, you say ‘it’s too stressful’ or ‘potentially explosive’ to be so bold.  I say, yes, perhaps, but hiding under a rock is stressful too, in a stifling, suffocating way.  So, I say – pick your stress.  You know, I’m no stress management researcher, but I believe there is research out there showing how ‘stressing’ oneself in growth-promoting ways is actually good for you psychologically, much like exercising may be a stress on your body short term, but helps the body become stronger and more resilient.

Or, you worry you are ‘stressing out’ or ‘worrying’ others when you assert yourself.  I know some friends who just don’t want to bother their aging parents thinking they will make their parents sick.  Well, I know about this feeling – I’ve thought and felt this many times too.  I get tired of having loved ones merely ‘tolerate’ me.  But, as I learned as a student way back in graduate school in my training to become a psychotherapist, mental health is not about taking care of our loved one’s thoughts and feelings to the exclusion of our own.  When we are just being ourselves and we are not physically harming someone else, if a person has an issue with us, it’s THEIR issue, not ours.

And, if you are an ally, someone who ‘gets it’ and sees the psychological (and other) damage all of this hate and negativity and denial of human rights is creating, you can really help the cause by NOT staying silent.

So – on this Thanksgiving Day I thank you for YOU!  There will never be another YOU!  Why are you here and what difference are you supposed to make????

I am also grateful to you for reading this post, let’s keep in touch and keep the good times rolling,

Barb Elgin

HERE’S THE TIPS…

The Great Thanksgiving Conversation: Let’s talk all the way through the holidays
by: Rabbi Denise L. Eger, Reverend Dr. Neil Thomas, Torie Osborne and Rodney Scott

This Thanksgiving many of us will be leaving our families of choice and spending time with our families of origin. At these dinner tables, thousands of conversations will be had. As you are thinking about the conversation around your family dinner table this Thanksgiving and holiday season, it is a great opportunity to talk to them about human rights and equality for members of the family who are LGBT.

Many of us will encounter “mixed” family tables – with family members who voted on both sides of Prop 8. Inevitably talk will turn to events of this important election, including the meaning of the passage of Proposition 8 in California. Become a community organizer and help educate your family on marriage equality and the truth about Prop 8. This is one social justice activity you can engage in that will help all of us in the future, whether the courts overturn Prop 8 or we face another ballot measure.

Proposition 8, and its approval, make it lawful to discriminate in California and is just the beginning. It will have serious implications for minorities around our country. It is important that we continue the conversation, especially with our friends and family to win their hearts and minds. Many of them will likely use the same arguments that have been used since the election – that they like their gay/lesbian friends but voted for Proposition 8 because their faith/tradition told them to do so.

We are encouraging you to have a conversation with your friends and family this Thanksgiving and throughout the holiday season. In order to get the conversation started we have included some “conversation starters” as well as some facts to counter some of the arguments that are being used in defense of passing Proposition 8 in California.

Here are the key messages that confused and convinced good Californians to vote YES on 8, and the truth about them:

1. YES ON 8 MESSAGE: “Without Proposition 8, churches would be forced to marry gay people even if it conflicts with their ideas, and they could lose their non-profit status.” Proposition 8 unfairly blurred the boundaries between the separation of church and state, and the Yes on 8 Campaign outright lied when it said that churches would be forced to officiate at the marriage of gay men or lesbians. In fact, page 117 of the Supreme Court’s original decision last May guaranteed protections for churches to follow their faith’s teaching on the matter and to NOT officiate if that is their teaching.

The YES on 8 campaign further blurred the boundary between church and state when it said that it would cause churches to lose their non-profit status. Nothing could be further from the truth. Churches would still be protected as affirmed again by the Supreme Court. The misinformation and outright lies of the Mormon and Catholic and Evangelic Christians communities caused confusion and pain among many. The state constitution should never promote one religion over another.

2. YES ON 8 MESSAGE: “Only the church can say who is married.” This is absolutely false. As long as couples must get a marriage license from the state for their marriage to be recognized, then you can’t deny citizens from equality. The state issues licenses and you do not have to go to a rabbi, priest or minister or imam to get married. As long as there is civil marriage then it must be open to everyone. It is discrimination to do otherwise.

3. YES ON 8 MESSAGE: “Gay people don’t have civil rights, they belong to African Americans.” In America we have fought for equality for all citizens regardless of race, creed or color and in California that equality is extended to those of different sexual orientation. We have the equal protection clause that says all groups must be treated equally under the law. We are sensitive to the particular history and struggle, and sense of ownership that African Americans have over the phrase “civil rights”.

However, they are called “civil rights”, “equal rights,” or “human rights” — this bundle of rights confers dignity to all people, including gay people. Even those who go to church can understand the phrase, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. The Constitution should not be used to deny or retract rights, and that is what Prop 8 did. If you start with gay people-who will be next? Blacks? Latinos? Jews? Blond haired people? Those without a college degree? Catholic? Prop 8 crossed a dangerous line by imposing the tyranny of the barely-a-majority on one group.

4. YES ON 8 MESSAGE: “Why do you need to use the term marriage? Isn’t domestic partnership or civil unions good enough?” Separate but equal is never good enough. It didn’t work before in the United States with drinking fountains or education or in the Jim Crow era of South Africa. Marriage holds unique and special dignity for the couple and their children. Our society is not built on civil unions, but is built on the idea of marriage which takes two unrelated people and makes them next of kin.

There are differences in domestic partnership and marriage. The most notable difference is in the reactions of others. Everyone understands when a couple says they are married. Most do not understand when you say your partner, they misinterpret regularly. Also there is a profound difference for those who are married. Their families are accorded the proper dignity and respect in the world and there are some benefits from one’s employer that are available to married spouses that are not available to domestic partners.

5. YES on 8 MESSAGE: “The people had their say and the vote of the people should be honored.” It is never okay for the majority to impose its will if it eliminates the rights of a minority. Our constitution and the judiciary exist to protect the minority voice from the tyranny of the majority. This is not an “activist” court. This is a conservative court – a majority is Republican — that interpreted the Constitution and in May of 2008 declared that gay and lesbian people were protected by the equal protection clause.

Now the legal case before the Supreme Court will examine whether or not the Prop 8 vote, garnered through an expensive campaign of lies and misinformation, was proper. There have been other instances in California when a ballot initiative was declared improper and/or unconstitutional including Prop. 187 (that would have denied illegal immigrants services).

6. POST-ELECTION MESSAGE: “Gay people should just get over it. It’s just not a big deal.” One can never get over completely the wounds of oppression and discrimination. The passage of Proposition 8 hurt gay people in California – and lots of their straight friends and family, too. For a few short months gay people knew full and complete marriage equality as never before. 18,000 gay and lesbian couples were legally married. And then in an instant that equality was taken away.

This is a deep wound. When justice and equality are denied, people are moved to express their cry for freedom through their first amendment rights to free speech, through protest. Engaging in peaceful rallies and marches to voice our concern is an American tradition, and helps lead to change.

These talking points ought to help you move our cause forward in your family.

Here are some additional actions you might want to take:

* Think about wearing a button that states how many months/years you and your partner have been together.

* Keep your Vote NO on Prop 8 bumper sticker on your car

* (Re)Introduce your partner as your husband/wife

* Talk about a rally or your personal participation in the No on Prop 8 campaign

* Take some wedding cake home for desert

* Take pictures to share of your family

* Ask what they think about what California did with the passing of
Proposition 8

Now, before you go and think I’m being ‘preachy’, let me just say, some of us are just more inauthentic more often!  None of us is perfect.

I know that the religious right believes they are truly doing ‘the right thing’ or ‘being authentic’ by denying me my authenticity/equal rights.  But they believe they are doing the right thing, according to their religious belief.  As such, their influence and power should be limited to the practice of their religion, and their religous community, just as I have the same freedom and right to do the same. 

I don’t get to tell someone else how they should believe and practice their faith and vice versa.  I don’t bother them.  I don’t try to get laws passed to deny them their equal rights to live their life as they wish.  How do I know for sure if they aren’t being authentic?  And, how do they know, for sure, that they aren’t denying me my right to live my truth?  What if they are wrong?  What do you think god would think of that?

Ultimately, aren’t we supposed to be a democratically diverse or pluralistic society that has defined a true separation between church and state???  Since when is denying someone their equal rights under the law loving, humane or democratic?  What does either of our religious beliefs have to do with civil rights?  I know, the relationship gets complex.  I just heard on the nightly news that, while we say we are a country that values the separation between church and state, a majority of Americans would not vote for a candidate that claimed no religious practice.

I really don’t blame the religious right entirely.  How about the great, vast ‘middle’ of America who is supposed to be more fair-minded and just than Christian Fundamentalists (sorry, but it’s true)?  Where are the Bill Clinton’s of the world when it comes time to put your money where your mouth is? 

Sorry Bill, but when it came down to it in the mid-1990′s when you had a chance to be fair, you instead fell prey to the silly fears of a small, yet powerful and vocal minority, who want to walk around believing that gays in the military just can’t exist, somewhat like the Iranian president blabbered on about last week.  Instead of drawing a rational, loving and authentic line in the sand you played politics and signed ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’…What can I say?  A lesbian never forgets….

And, the coming presidential election?  I hear that both democratic front runners, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, are keeping a ‘safe distance’ from me too. 

I know it sounds like I have a bad attitude but I have a hard time getting excited about any of the candidates when I know that none of them is truly looking out much for me.  Yes, it’s a bit exciting to think that perhaps we’ll have a democratic president for a change and, perhaps a woman.

However, I don’t have very high hopes that it will much matter.  Then, another more hopeful side of me says that I’ve got to believe that, while I can’t ‘get what I want exactly when I want it’, a democratic president will have a positive impact for me between 2008-2012 in ways that a republican president won’t.

Okay, so I finished my rant!  Let me tell you the main message I wanted to offer today:  Next November anti-gay elements in the State of Florida will try to join the cadre of other states who’ve added a ‘marriage protection’ amendment to the books. 

This past week I was introduced to an organization here in Florida who is working to throw out that nasty, ‘Marriage Protection’ Amendment these unloving forces in Florida are advancing.

I received a call last week from Patricia Ireland, a nationally-known activist who used to head up the National Organization of Women (NOW).

What a pleasure talking with her one-on-one!  I have to say:  how nice to be noticed!  Patricia is asking our help in supporting an organization called Florida Red and Blue.  Honestly, I’d never heard of Florida Red and Blue until about a week ago.  That’s a shame because they are fighting for my rights as a Floridian.

So, if you are a Floridian (and even if you aren’t), please be sure you go to Florida Red and Blue’s site ASAP and make a donation to help the cause and spread the word.  This is not the time to get complacent!  Apparently, there are some very strong forces (and deep pocketbooks) here in Florida coming together to try and prevent you and I (and other same sex couples) from marrying.

I’m not a legal expert, but I think that if these anti-gay forces have their way and the state of Florida passes such an amendment it will be doubly difficult for us to change that state of affairs.  Imagine – living in a state where both gay adoption and gay marriage are illegal.

If you aren’t a Floridian, why should you care?  Because the ‘relationship rights’ battle for gay and lesbian love is now being fought out in the states.  We need to help each state fight back those who want to deny us our human rights.  There are already too many other states with such amendments on the books.

Those who want to deny me my rights, that’s bad enough.  But what they also don’t realize is that they would also be harming those hundreds of thousands of heterosexual, unmarried but partnered, seniors in Florida who are in committed relationships but choose not to marry because doing so would strip them of the social security benefits they’ve spent a lifetime earning and send them to the poor house.  That’s right:  In addition to the impact this horrible amendment would create for gays, if this amendment becomes law, it will even impact our ability to establish domestic partnership arrangements, gay and straight.

Now is the time to ally with an organization such as Florida Red and Blue.  You can help them fight for you while there is still time.  Don’t wait!