I love what I do because I know, personally and professionally, how important love is to all of us.  Research is showing, more and more, how vital a healthy, happy love relationship is to a person’s quality of life.  This is all the more reason it’s important to fight for our relationship rights.  We deserve to have access to the experience of marriage, which is an opportunity unlike any other for finding the ultimate romantic fulfillment.

Yes, people like to joke about the fervor with which many gays and lesbians wish to be married.  Straight comedians like to say, ‘I’m for gay marriage – Why not let gays and lesbians have all the hassle of marriage too!?!’.  Well, they have a point, but, ultimately they are speaking from a much different perspective from which I come: they’ve never NOT had the right to marry who they want to marry.  Big difference!

People who don’t ‘get’ it also don’t get that it’s NOT just about our individual rights.  When a person is able to freely pursue their happiness fully, the entire society benefits.  People who are fully supported with a caring, loving relationship at home are more likely to be productive at work, use less health care, contribute positively to other relationships and their communities, etc.

I want to be as vocal and confident as Dan Choi is (as he talks about military matters) when it comes to telling society to drop the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ attitude towards our right to love.  How about you?

How did Dan Choi become so confident and eloquent in his ability to break through barriers and advance the conversation about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’? I believe Dan has spent some quality time brushing up on his ‘Inner Game’,  just as lesbians need to do when it comes to their romantic life.  I also believe the challenge of his experiences – being in the closet on the job, being outed and being ousted for being gay – have helped him develop the inner strength to find the courage to speak out.

Your beliefs and feelings about yourself, about being a lesbian, about lesbian sexuality, etc., will dictate how you approach dating and mating.  For example, if you aren’t open with your straight family and friends about your partner when it comes to sharing aspects of your ‘coupled’ life that typical straight folk talk about, chances are your love relationship is suffering the effects.

Or, if you are single, but no one in your family and none of your straight friends know, how are they going to fix you up with Mz. Right???

Straight singles and couples benefit greatly (in large and small ways) by just being who they are with other family members.  Straight singles get some well-needed sympathy and support from others, while going through the experience of being alone, re-entering the dating world, navigating divorce, etc.

Straight couples can ‘kvetch’ to family about current stresses and, it’s oh-so-nice to get anniversary cards every year to remind each of you that your relationship is recognized and, it exists!

That’s what your goal needs to be: to feel this comfortable sharing with family and your closest friends.

So, Barb, you say, what do you do if you aren’t yet ‘out’ to your family or your family has given signals they aren’t happy about you ‘flaunting your lifestyle in their face’? Well, you need to begin somewhere.  Each person’s situation is different.  If you’d like some help specific to your situation, contact me to discuss.  Don’t leave this one to a book or ‘well meaning’ friends.

For most of us, the way our family is treating us today, is the result of what we have been allowing.  That’s right!  So, what I mean is that there is probably something you can do to improve your ability to be more authentic with your family.

It all begins with you being willing to be more authentic with yourself…

More to come!

Photo:  courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

Several of the women on the call were especially passionate (and seemingly knowledgeable) on the issue.  One woman made the comment that toppling ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’, in much the same way the military changed it’s policy towards racism, would be key to toppling other discriminatory practices in our society towards GLBT’s, such as same sex marriage.

She says that it was after the military banned discrimination based on race that other racist policies and laws started to be banned.  Another member on the call who is a constitutional law expert and former attorney, said she agreed.  Hmmm….

Now comes the news today that the Supreme Court won’t review the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy right now, and, of course, the Obama Administration is continuing to do nothing to help us (despite his ‘I’ll do something’ rhetoric during his election campaign).  In fact, news accounts say the administration is continuing to do NOTHING to stop the military from discharging military members who are gay.

So, says me to our readers:  as I’ve heard it said – yes, we are upset, and ‘rightly so’ but, since when do things come easy and when is life fair?  Life doesn’t work the way we want it to work, it works the way it works.

Yes, so many of us work to ‘make things more fair for more of us’ everyday and, thank goodness they do. My response to today’s news is this:  all of us – especially those most passionate about and those working most closely on the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell issue – need to step back, take a deep breath and re-strategize.

We’ve got to ‘sell it’ better, that’s all.  That’s how this crazy ol’ world works!  Hang in there, get savvier and don’t stop.  We know it’s a ‘hard sell’ still when an organization can’t seem to see the ‘damage’ it’s actions is causing because it’s blinded by prejudice.  So far, no studies show gays serving in the military hurts morale or effectiveness.

I just heard on the news that there are several other cases that challenge the policy working their way up through the court system.

So – we’ve got to keep banging on the door.  Like we do with all the other issues.

I think I’ve heard it said on more than one occasion that most change happens slowly in an evolutionary, (versus ‘revolutionary’) way.  Keep educating and changing hearts, one-by-one.  Remember that, by the very example of living your own life with heart and authenticity, you are making a noticeable statement to others who don’t yet ‘get it’.

Even if no one opens the door for us, eventually, brick by brick, piece by piece, we will knock it down, just like the Berlin Wall…

TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.