JANUARY 2008
IF YOU BUILD IT WILL THEY COME?
Here in central Florida there seems to be a number of gay/lesbian venues in which to get involved. Unfortunately, many of these venues either struggle financially or go out of business within three years of establishing themselves in the area. This includes gay/lesbian specific bars – one of which, owned by friends of mine, closed their doors this past week. The community simply did not support their bar despite the fact that they offered a wonderful Sunday brunch and even a “gay bar” that had no smoking inside the building – which is something the community said that they wanted and would support.
I recently sat down with a couple other friends who, this past year, founded an entertainment event program business aimed at the local lesbian community. One of the things that was outstanding during our conversation was the lack of support of lesbian women in attending these events. In my opinion, this business’ activities are well thought out and developed, however, the number of lesbians that turn out for these events is unfortunately very small in comparison to the known number of lesbians in the area. We discussed some of the reasons for that and I would like to share some of the ideas we discussed.
There are probably multiple, often interacting reasons lesbian businesses struggle to survive. I sincerely wish we could tease out the reasons why better and try to solve this problem because the lesbian community deserves a thriving business component. For example, it seems to me that if you have a complaint about any business you’ve supported, why not go directly to that business and ask them for help versus plastering how awful they are on public forums? You know how ‘herd-like’ people can be. And if a complaint does get out publicly, that business should pay attention to the complaint or complaints and consider what, if anything they can do to change things, if the issue is important and/or ‘public’ enough. No, no business can make everyone happy, however, all business’ know that part of surviving is great (not okay) customer service. We shouldn’t expect lesbians to support a business just because it’s lesbian-owned.
I think that all of us need to think more for ourselves. If we don’t attend a criticized event, but we blindly let the opinions of others impact our own experience or decisions, that’s sad. Qualilty businesses do care to make folks as satisfied as possible, so give them a chance! Also – and this especially so for small and newer businesses – remember these businesses’ especially are ‘works in progress’ so, give them a chance to ‘correct’ instead of trashing them or walking away after one negative experience.
I have a friend who lives in Oklahoma that, in my opinion, really hit the nail on the head. The reason why many women do not participate in community events is “F.E.A.R” which is False Evidence Appearing Real. Are some lesbians in our community consciously or unconsciously ‘sabotaging’ our events? Are there lesbians who still fear coming out to a public event where they might be seen? I don’t know the answers to these questions however, can’t we be glad there are many types of activities out there, and take the stance that while some of them may not be ‘our cup of tea’ AND, instead of ‘throwing out the baby with the bath water’ think about which friends or acquaintances might find the event or service of value and tell them about it? Thus, let them try the event or service and decide for themselves whether they want it or not?
I’m not sure, but I do know that when an event is cancelled due to lack of interest, either the business sponsoring the event needs to find out why and tweak their marketing or delivery of the event so more do attend or it is a shame that we lose out on another event that could foster positive connections in our community.
Recently I shared with my friends who had put on a “tea dance” that I didn’t go to the dance because when I heard the word ‘dance’ I thought I had to dress up. But then I found out that it was just a jeans and shirt type of afternoon dance and that it is called a “Tea dance” reflective of the historic dances of the gay society of Fire Island and even in Provincetown. It was not the debutaunt “tea” – with the white gloves, big floppy hat and floral print dress. That False evidence was a reason why I didn’t personally participate in that activity. See how I lost out because I didn’t just ask???
There are other “FEAR” feelings though that hold myself and others back from enjoying activities. Another one would be a worry about the way we look to others that would be there. Face it, no one wants someone to say, or even think, about the judgements about the way we look, act, dance, etc. The truth is that women are going to make judgements or not, and there is nothing we can do about it – so relax and enjoy the moment. The truth of the matter is – if you are having a good time and relax – you will automatically be more attractive. It only takes one or two people willing to have a good time to make everyone present have a good time.
In a simular way, for me, I’m usually going to go someplace by myself. The “FEAR” is that I’ll be all alone and looking just pathetic to others. The reality is that, even though I call friends to go to that activity with me, when I end up going on my own I either find a whole bunch of friends already there, or I make some really cool new friends. The secret is knowing that when I get there I’m going to have a fabulous time with fabulous people whether I knew them before the event or not, and you know, I’m rarely if ever disappointed.
Since this is the time for “New Years Resolutions” I think one of mine is to not let “FEAR” control my life, but to find out more about the activities available and actually participate. Obviously I can’t participate in everything, I just don’t have that much time, but I know that when I choose activities I need to make those choices based on the facts of the activity and not on “FEAR”. And, alot of times, we need to ‘ask questions’ and ‘find out more information’ to lessen our fears. If the single lesbian community does this, I believe, there will be fewer activities and venues disappear and many more develop over time. When our precious few activities are supported, they will continue to thrive, and others will come forth to meet our needs. I’d like to encourage every single lesbian to not only find those venues, but actually support them.
See you in February!
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DECEMBER 2007
HOLIDAYS HAPPEN FOR A DEBARY NEWLY SINGLE LESBIAN IN FLORIDA
“What seems to work for me is to put my own self-doubting aside and do what I want.”
“I’m even more inclined now than ever to let my friends know, I’m single, I’m not dead!!!”
With great fear and trepidation I found myself having to go to the mall on the day before Thanksgiving. This was not a choice but something that HAD to be done. As I walked through the mall, I noticed the beautiful decorations and window dressings for the holidays. As I was struck with the beauty of the decorations, my first inclination was to call my partner – or actually my ex-partner that had moved away only a few weeks earlier. Although it was a known fact that my “ex” and I were no longer a couple – we had remained in the same home for over a year and now, I did not have that extra person in my life. The “void” had certainly made itself known.
Moving that thought from my mind, I proceeded down the mall to “take care of business”. During my walk I noticed two women walking together, holding hands – obviously a couple. “Cool” I though ! Then as business was concluded and I was driving away, I looked at one of those “off the mall” restaurants just in time to catch two women enjoying a quick, sweet kiss as they prepared for a feast. This time I thought – geez – it’s a conspiracy.
My question then to myself was – “are you going to let this be a problem or turn it into something good”. At the time, I wanted to go into the same restaurant – the food is delicious ! My ex and I had eaten there many times before and they are always busy. I stopped short though and thought about it. I’m only one person – and the tables are always set for at least four people – and it’s “just” me. Ultimately, I ended up going to a place where, the food was good – but it wasn’t what I wanted. In analyising it further, I mused over my burrito if I was correct in not enjoying the very nice restaurant.
When I got home, I polled several other lesbians on this issue via the internet. One suggestion was to eat the same meal but at the bar. This is a stratagy, however, if there’s not a bar or you are uncomfortable about the alcohol issues, it might not be the best idea.
Another lesbian friend suggested getting the food in a “to go” bag and enjoying it at home. Although this idea has some merit, still, it’s not very much fun to eat at home, and to me, what’s the point?
What seems to work for me is to put my own self-doubting aside and do what I want. So what if someone notices that I’m eating alone – perhaps the one that notices COULD be the very gal I’m looking for !! I find myself saying, “there really is nothing wrong with being single” – although peer pressure and old family beliefs would try to tell me otherwise.
During the holidays I find that peers, friends, family, acquaintances, although well-meaning, tend to highlight the idea of something being “wrong” with being single. It’s the awkwardness of the hairstylist we both went to, and even friends stumbling for words because “she” was not there. To top it all off, the fun activities that I used to go to as a “couple” during this season, I was no longer invited to or the activity was no longer appropriate.
Was I going to just let the month of festivities, then, just pass me by? Just like the issue with actually enjoying the restaurant – would I settle for “second best” and wishing for next year to be better? I decided that the answer would definately be NO.
One of the things that I do during the entire year is being involved with a charitable organization. For me, it’s a horse rescue and therapy ranch. During the Thanksgiving holiday, my idea of fun was getting all the equipment that would be used for events ready to go. I worked so hard on Thanksgiving day, I nearly fell asleep trying to enjoy a Turkey dinner with a friend and her family! I was even invited to ride my horse, Penny, in the Mims, Florida holiday parade all because I continue to stay active in this charitable work.
I also networked with some gay guy friends as to events during the holidays. Much to my surprise they invited me to join them on their boat for the annual Christmas Boat Parade – which is a beautiful evening of nicely decorated boats, gracefully traveling along the St. John’s River at night. I am very much looking forward to this event. Had I not been available to get out and do things – and actually mentioned it to them however, I would have missed such a wonderful treat.
I have even made my selection of those wonderful Christmas cards to send everyone I know. I have always maintained that keeping in touch with people is the key to success – so why stop now? I’m even more inclined now than ever to let my friends know, I’m single, I’m not dead !!
All in all, my vision of having happy, memorable events throughout the month of December is taking shape very nicely. Despite the hassles of moving to a new residence, the season will not pass me by unnoticed. Celebration will, in fact, happen.
Thanks for reading and, btw, please let Coach Sappho know what you want me to write about. I am particularly interested in helping single lesbians in the DeBary and North Orlando, Florida areas connect and grow as a discrete community. Afterall, there will be women who will be single long after we are in a relationship again and they will need the support! So, for example, we have events in the area – which ones do you want to know more about? Do you want me to write more about events specific for single lesbians? Let me know what YOU want so we can get it for you!
I know I shared some very strong and, perhaps controversial opinions in my post this month. These are my opinions, not Coach Sappho’s, and I hope that you will take them
Happy holidays and see you next month!
Victoria
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
