“Where can we go on our first date?”

“What are the best restaurants in my city for lesbians?”

And I am always meeting couples who ask me,

“We’ve been staying home for so long we don’t know where to go or what to do on our date night.”

“Where can I take my partner to stir up some fun?”

So, what a fun idea to brainstorm ideas right here on Coach Sappho’s blog.

What’s your favorite lesbian date ideas? Where did you and your partner last go on date night and, how did it go?  What’s been your most memorable, cuddly, sexy, fun date, to date!?!

We’d love to read more about your experiences.  Just think – you can suggest other great ideas for lesbian couples in your city and you can learn ideas you’d never have thought of on your own, by reading this list!

Post your ideas right here on the blog!  Thanks!

However, what about when things aren’t going so swimmingly? This is truly where we separate the men from the boys, or, the happy versus unhappy couples.  You see, it seems how we handle the difficult moments in our relationship – when we are feeling not-so-playful or positive,  such as when we are frustrated, angry or feel some type of negativity towards our partner or our relationship – determines whether we (and our partner) will continue to feel positive about our relationship and emotionally invest in it…or not!

John Gottman coined this very useful idea, this visual of ‘kicking around the soccer ball’, after observing thousands of gay and straight couples in his notorious love lab.  Gottman discovered there is a big difference between…

• the couples who have ‘mastered’ handling conflict and
• those couples whose behavior, when it comes to negatively-charged situations, incites an escalation of the conflict, withdrawal in one or both partners, etc.

Couples who handle conflict well kick problems and disagreements around ‘like playing with a soccer ball’.  How does this ‘play’ itself out behaviorally? 

Lesbian couples who play verbal soccer tend to look at disagreements as

• ‘outside of themselves’
• something they need to ‘kick around’ and look at to either make light of, make a game of, better understand, etc.

Couples who do not play verbal soccer when they disagree tend to

• blame the conflict on something inside their partner or themselves (or both)
• not be able to see (or consider) any perspective other than their own

The bottom line for lesbian couples is that when you don’t know how to play, chances are you are DOING things in your interactions with each other that sabotage the good feelings you share.  And, when that occurs, you start to disconnect, even if it only begins at a very subtle level.

Over time, these negative behaviors can create a wide gulf between you and, the next thing you know you are playing on opposite teams instead of the same team!

How are you doing? Even if you aren’t coupled, it’s important to look at all of your most important relationships and assess how well the two of you are handling your conflicts.  Gottman’s research also indicates that conflict isn’t the problem: even happy couples argue.  It’s how we handle the more frequent, small, negative interactions we have, as well as the unresolvable problems we share that determines whether we remain happy together or, if we even stay together!

So, the next time you ‘butt heads’ with someone you care about, your best option is to ‘head butt’ the ball onto the playing field and coax your partner to ‘play along’!  

 

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

Speaking of which, I’ll be leading this coming Thursday’s show.  Donna has some important activist work to do that she’d committed to before I changed our podcast day and time.  Donna will be back for our 2/18 show.

I hope you’ll join me on the live call.  It’ll be our Valentine’s Show.  I’ll be dishing tips for singles (Valentines is often a challenging time for singles) and couples and talking about the other great holiday the GLBT community celebrates during Valentine’s – Freedom to Marry Week.

(Note from Barb Elgin:  Today’s post signals the start of new resources for you and all readers of Coach Sappho’s blog:  the inclusion of guest experts who will share with you information, tips and suggestions specially designed for the GLBT community.  Today’s post focuses in on financial concerns and was written by guest author, Woody Derricks.  Woody is a comprehensive financial planner who specializes in the financial concerns of the gay and lesbian community.)

For gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered individuals, reaching financial goals frequently present unique challenges.  You may be aware of some of the issues that can affect you and your loved ones’ financial well being – others may come as a surprise.  One thing is clear: when it comes to managing your wealth, it is critical that you understand your options and opportunities – as well as potential obstacles.

If you are in a relationship, the first step is to include your partner. Because many domestic partners maintain separate bank accounts, they feel as though they should plan for the future as individuals.  I ask my clients: Do you own your home together?  Would you like to pass on a portion of your estate to your partner?  If your partner became disabled, would you provide financial support?  If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you may want to evaluate your financial future as a couple.

Disparities in age present another hurdle for domestic partners. Frequently, partners may have a difference of 5, 10, 15 or more years between them.  Age affects the way we perceive risk with our investments and how we prepare for retirement.  Younger investors are more likely to accept ups and downs in the market as they have a longer time horizon.  Additionally, they have more time to accumulate funds for their retirement years.  For those who find themselves rapidly approaching retirement or who have already retired, the focus shifts from building for retirement to protecting those assets they have accumulated.  Balancing the need to grow with the need to protect can be a daunting task.

Other areas of concern include insurance and estate planning. You should ask yourself several questions: When I pass away, will my partner be entitled to my pension benefits?  How can I best protect my partner and myself while I am alive and after I have passed away? As we know, family members do not always look favorably on the relationship and may desire to have your assets for themselves.

Believe it or not, the Tax Code has produced some benefits for domestic partners. Due to the government viewing same-sex couples as individuals, many higher income partners find that they can contribute more to their Roth IRA’s, pay taxes at a lower rate, and have more deductions available to them than a married couple with a similar combined income.  Work with your financial planner and your tax advisor to identify each of the areas from which you could benefit.

As many look to grow and protect their wealth, they are turning to comprehensive financial planners.  Comprehensive financial planners separate themselves from traditional stockbrokers by providing their clients with thorough investment, retirement, tax, and estate planning strategies while developing a long-term relationship.  If you are in the market for a comprehensive financial planner, you will want to work with someone who understands your needs, respects your relationship, and, most importantly, someone you can trust.

Woody Derricks, the President of Partnership Wealth Management, LLC, has over 10 years experience helping GLBT individuals and couples reach their financial goals.  Click here to find Woody on Facebook.

This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide specific advice to any individual.  Consult your legal, tax, and/or financial advisor to determine what is appropriate for your situation.

Securities offered through LPL Financial, Member FINRA/SIPC.

With the approach of fall, Coach Sappho has turned over HER new leaf and is launching a brand new podcast!

I’ve been considering a fresh approach for Coach Sappho’s ‘radio presense’ for several months now and decided to invite Reverend Donna Tara Lee, a colleague and friend I met after moving here to Florida, to create a new internet radio show.

Donna accepted my invitation and, I am happy to report we are ready to bring our new podcast to you, starting this coming Tuesday night, August 25, 2009 at 6:30pm ET.

Our new show is called

GLBT TALK WITH BARB AND DONNA

Donna and I are excited to bring to you a show that will ‘inform, enlighten and entertain’ listeners on all things GLBT!

The show will last 30 minutes at 6:30pm ET on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of every month and you can listen in LIVE via the internet FOR FREE by signing up now:

During this Tuesday night’s show we’ll be introducing listeners to who we are and what we envision for the show.  The show is recorded and is live, so if you want to call in and ask a question or send us your well wishes we’d love it!  Also – the show’s page on has a chat room which you can participate in as well, during the show!

Why should you listen? Because more in our community need to tune into the ‘older’, ‘wiser’ GLBT experience.  More than ever, in today’s media and the internet in general, there is more fluff and less substance.  And, there is also the usual over focus on youth and the younger experience.  In today’s world it’s easy putting up a blog or show, but what is the quality of that blog or show?

This means that, more than ever before, YOU need to become a more discerning listener. Why do I think this important? When you get what you believe from sources who are just passing on the rumors, irrational fears and unchecked facts of others, we get further away from moving forward on important issues, like marriage equality and health care reform.

Instead of us moving towards solutions (with or without consensus, because, sometimes, as history shows, moving forward without consensus is important too), people just become more confused and feelings become inflamed or escalated.

I believe the seasoned, rich wisdom experts 40 and over offer our community is being drowned out and is mostly untapped.  I define ‘expert’ as those who have spent a significant part of their lifetimes – at least 10 years or more – being active in their field or industry and/or in their GLBT cause  – versus those ‘Johnny and Joany’s come lately’ who are young and green!

As you know I’m a relationship and dating expert with over 20 years experience as a coach and as a licensed psychotherapist.  And, you know what a passionate advocate I am for the success of single lesbians, lesbian relationships, marriage equality and GLBT rights in general.  I began my volunteerism in the late 1970′s at a gay switchboard and haven’t slowed down since.  If you want to learn more about my decades of service to the GLBT community, click here.

Reverend Lee attended Woodstock (Yes, she was there in 1969!) and was a part of the Stonewall movement!  And, Donna continues to be deeply involved in political, social and spiritual causes.  In addition to being an active member of the Democratic Caucus here in Floriday, she’s gone through sexual reassignment surgery and she has an amazing story to tell of how her life has been transformed as she ‘created the body she feels normal and natural in’.

We look forward to meeting you on GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna:

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Tags: gay dating, gay relationship advice, lesbian dating, lesbian dating advice, lesbian relationship advice, life coach for lesbians, online dating tips for lesbians

We are indeed fortunate Janice is willing to take her personal pain and create something very positive out of it.  What’s Janice’s story? Very simply, Janice was denied a simple, yet very important right married heterosexual couples take for granted: the right to spend the last minutes of her partner’s life with her partner.

Before you get to know Janice’s story, just imagine for a moment being denied the right to hold the hand of the most important and loved person in your life as he or she is dying because hospital staff…

• either have the right to deny you ‘family’ or ‘spouse’ status (because you don’t have legal protections in place) or
• they choose to question the legal rights you’ve put into place, even if you present them with legal, written documentation, on the spot

The next time someone tells you that you want ‘special rights’, you need to share with them Janice’s story.  Eventually, if we spread stories like Janice’s far and wide enough, enough hearts will change, and laws will change to reflect the fact that the rights of same sex couples should be equal to the rights of heterosexual couples, for both practical and human rights reasons, regardless of whether others agree with those laws or not, due to their own individual religious or other personal beliefs.

I am heartened to see that Janice’s story is getting more and more visibility.  For example, be sure to watch Janice’s recent interview for the TV show ‘In the Life’:

And, be sure to write Janice and support her in what she is doing.  Anyone who is engaged in an undertaking like hers could use the support!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

And, lastly if you have the right to marry, how has marriage impacted your relationship and how do you feel about others in the U.S. NOT having the right to a basic human right you enjoy?

Here’s my suggestion for making sure Valentine’s is one day a celebration that all couples, gay and straight, share equally:

DO something this coming week that supports the marriage equality movement.  That’s right – even if you don’t care about marriage for yourself, how about your GLBT friends and family who want to get married?  Think about them.  Think about the many laws and ‘quality of life’ advantages of marriage that anti-gay amendments and federal laws like DOMA are keeping from us.

If you hesitate to get involved because Valentine’s is a social ‘holiday’ and marriage equality seems to be a political issue, I would encourage you to realize that, often, the personal IS political and, that marriage equality is a human issue not a political one, at it’s essence.

For those of you who are wondering how you can help, here’s a great idea:

Get involved in ‘Freedom to Marry’ activities

That’s right – my colleague Evan Wolfson’s organization has answered the straight world’s ‘Marriage Week USA’ with a week of our own.  Freedom to Marry Week is an opportunity to talk about marriage equality. It’s an opportunity for GLBT’s and allies to celebrate gay and lesbian relationships and the need to equalize marriage for all.

AND HERE’S A BONUS FOR YOU:  Last year I invited Evan Wolfson to join me on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.  So, be sure to go here - http://www.freedomtomarry.org/evan_wolfson/evan_wolfson_interviews.php to catch my interview with Evan last February on Freedom to Marry’s mission, Freedom to Marry Week and his insights as to what was next on the marriage equality front.

If you scroll down to the 5th interview, there’s where I’ll be! What I think is most interesting about my interview with Evan is how he gives all of us a ‘hopeful, helpful’ perspective about the marriage equality ‘battle’ and how it mirrors the success of other civil rights battles in our country’s history.

Be sure to listen to the interview and post right here on Coach Sappho’s Blog your plans for Freedom to Marry Week.

BE well,

Barb Elgin
NEW! Lez Rendezvous
A Singles Club for Lesbians
Special deal for founding members…
http://www.lezrendezvous.com

My current ‘labors of love’ include inspiring…

• Married, partnered, separated, divorced, single, dating or engaged individuals who value deeply satisfying, long term life partnerships.
• Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered entrepreneurs (and allies) who are starting or growing creative or cause-based businesses serving the GLBT community.  Click here to learn more about my ideal clients.
• Online dating and relationship services companies struggling to take their business, or that part of their business, which focuses primarily on serving lesbian and bisexual women, to the next level.
• GLBT’s and GLBT allies who are truly ready to live a more authentic life

If you see yourself in one or more of the scenarios above, I truly believe that we are meant to meet and create something beautiful together that will deeply increase your satisfaction with life!  I look forward to hearing from you! 

Authentically yours! – Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW-C

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