I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…
Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?
I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue. She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her. Afterall, they didn’t outright ‘shun’ her. Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc.
However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room: that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them. Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else: alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc. And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life. For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.
She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives. It seemed they were ashamed.
And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone. Why wouldn’t they? Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too.
And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering.
The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces
My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.
So, what do I mean when I say this client is ‘showing signs of wear’? She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong. She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship. Her small business is struggling to grow. I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress. For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.
However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food. And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before: her blood pressure is borderline high. She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough. She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).
So, why not blame her behavior choices? Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation. She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still. And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family. She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first. And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ‘stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her.
I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside. Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’. Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?
The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us
My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her. She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day. Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!” As if this was supposed to be a comfort.
My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’. Meaning: my client had allowed it!
I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her! And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids. She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.
Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part
All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner. Martina stated, and I quote,
“I don’t want homosexual rights. I want equal rights, period! It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”
During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’. I am very fed up with that one too!
The bottom line is this: As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves. She says we can all do more, our part. She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean. She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one. Her dream is for all those drops coming together.
I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours! We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us. Because apparently, they never will…
Back to my client. We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds. Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out. I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.
Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!
Barb Elgin
As I talk with lesbian women from all over the world, we find it so much fun identifying together who they are and what they want. The coaching exercises we do together to find out these juicy tidbits are often very liberating, especially for lesbians, because so many of us have held back so much of who we are from ‘the light of day’ for so long.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
