When it comes to love relationships, we all seem to instinctively know that one of the keys to keeping love alive is continuing to keep it fun and playing well together.   Easy to do when things are going well, right?

However, what about when things aren’t going so swimmingly? This is truly where we separate the men from the boys, or, the happy versus unhappy couples.  You see, it seems how we handle the difficult moments in our relationship – when we are feeling not-so-playful or positive,  such as when we are frustrated, angry or feel some type of negativity towards our partner or our relationship – determines whether we (and our partner) will continue to feel positive about our relationship and emotionally invest in it…or not!

John Gottman coined this very useful idea, this visual of ‘kicking around the soccer ball’, after observing thousands of gay and straight couples in his notorious love lab.  Gottman discovered there is a big difference between…

• the couples who have ‘mastered’ handling conflict and
• those couples whose behavior, when it comes to negatively-charged situations, incites an escalation of the conflict, withdrawal in one or both partners, etc.

(more…)

Janice Langbehn and her partner Lisa Pond

By Barb Elgin, LCSW

I’m deeply honored and happy to announce that Janice Langbehn, one of the GLBT community’s biggest ‘sheroes’ will appear on my podcast

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

tomorrow evening 10/27/09 at 6:30p ET.

Janice’s story has been in the national spotlight recently as well as much of the last two or so years since her life took a dramatic turn.

In 2007 Janice’s partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, died suddenly and unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm, while they were getting ready to enjoy a family vacation together.  Janice and Lisa probably treasured the vision of that vacation more than most; over the years they’d been amazing foster parents of over 25 children!

As if Lisa’s death wasn’t painful enough, the way Janice was treated in the hospital during Lisa’s final hours was unthinkable.  I can promise you the details will anger you.

And, recently, Janice was treated wrongly again when she learned her lawsuit against the Florida hospital that mistreated her was thrown out of court. We are amazed by Janice and we can’t wait to talk to her to learn more about her life today, her loving family and to find out what’s next for her.

Donna and I are humbled that Janice has chosen to share with us personal information about her life and the details of her own tragedy.  I am certain that Janice’s continuing sacrifice is part of the fabric of gradually changing hearts and minds and leading society closer to full rights and equality for gay and lesbian couples.

Please come to the live show, meet Janice, ask her questions and give her support. We’re giving this show a full hour to be sure we have enough time.  If you are already a podcast subscriber, look for attendance details to arrive in your email inbox soon.  If you aren’t yet a podcast subscriber, click here to sign up.  It’s free!

Lastly, don’t worry if you can’t make tonight’s live show.  You can STILL get a FREE recording of the show by becoming a subscriber!  All podcast shows are recorded and available later for listening anytime, anywhere…

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out?  Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Janice Langbehn and her partner Lisa Pond

By Barb Elgin, LCSW

I’m deeply honored and happy to announce that Janice Langbehn, one of the GLBT community’s biggest ‘sheroes’ will appear on my podcast

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

on Tuesday evening 10/27/09 at 6:30p ET.

Janice’s story has been in the national spotlight recently as well as much of the last two or so years since her life took a dramatic turn.

In 2007 Janice’s partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, died suddenly and unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm, while they were getting ready to enjoy a family vacation together.  Janice and Lisa probably treasured the vision of that vacation more than most; over the years they’d been amazing foster parents of over 25 children!

As if Lisa’s death wasn’t painful enough, the way Janice was treated in the hospital during Lisa’s final hours was unthinkable.  I can promise you the details will anger you.

And, recently, Janice was treated wrongly again when she learned her lawsuit against the Florida hospital that mistreated her was thrown out of court. We are amazed by Janice and we can’t wait to talk to her to learn more about her life today, her loving family and to find out what’s next for her.

Donna and I are humbled that Janice has chosen to share with us personal information about her life and the details of her own tragedy.  I am certain that Janice’s continuing sacrifice is part of the fabric of gradually changing hearts and minds and leading society closer to full rights and equality for gay and lesbian couples.

Please come to the live show, meet Janice, ask her questions and give her support. We’re giving this show a full hour to be sure we have enough time.  If you are already a podcast subscriber, look for attendance details to arrive in your email inbox soon.  If you aren’t yet a podcast subscriber, click here to sign up.  It’s free!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out?  Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Well, here we are – Valentine’s week.  What are your plans for Valentines? Is Valentines ‘just another day’ for you or do you think it’s not for you because you are single?  Or, if you are in a relationship, what is your ‘grand vision’ for commemorating your relationship?

And, lastly if you have the right to marry, how has marriage impacted your relationship and how do you feel about others in the U.S. NOT having the right to a basic human right you enjoy?

Here’s my suggestion for making sure Valentine’s is one day a celebration that all couples, gay and straight, share equally:

DO something this coming week that supports the marriage equality movement.  That’s right – even if you don’t care about marriage for yourself, how about your GLBT friends and family who want to get married?  Think about them.  Think about the many laws and ‘quality of life’ advantages of marriage that anti-gay amendments and federal laws like DOMA are keeping from us.

If you hesitate to get involved because Valentine’s is a social ‘holiday’ and marriage equality seems to be a political issue, I would encourage you to realize that, often, the personal IS political and, that marriage equality is a human issue not a political one, at it’s essence.

For those of you who are wondering how you can help, here’s a great idea:

Get involved in ‘Freedom to Marry’ activities

That’s right – my colleague Evan Wolfson’s organization has answered the straight world’s ‘Marriage Week USA’ with a week of our own.  Freedom to Marry Week is an opportunity to talk about marriage equality. It’s an opportunity for GLBT’s and allies to celebrate gay and lesbian relationships and the need to equalize marriage for all.

AND HERE’S A BONUS FOR YOU:  Last year I invited Evan Wolfson to join me on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.  So, be sure to go here - http://www.freedomtomarry.org/evan_wolfson/evan_wolfson_interviews.php to catch my interview with Evan last February on Freedom to Marry’s mission, Freedom to Marry Week and his insights as to what was next on the marriage equality front.

If you scroll down to the 5th interview, there’s where I’ll be! What I think is most interesting about my interview with Evan is how he gives all of us a ‘hopeful, helpful’ perspective about the marriage equality ‘battle’ and how it mirrors the success of other civil rights battles in our country’s history.

Be sure to listen to the interview and post right here on Coach Sappho’s Blog your plans for Freedom to Marry Week.

BE well,

Barb Elgin
NEW! Lez Rendezvous
A Singles Club for Lesbians
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“Wanting to commit to the person you love and assure that your relationship and your family has every legal protection available is basic human nature.”
- Dan Furmansky, Executive Director, Equality Maryland

According to my colleague and friend Dan Furmansky from Equality Maryland…

“The Connecticut Supreme Court ruled 4-3 today that it is unconstitutional to deny marriage equality to gay and lesbian couples. The decision overturns a lower court ruling that found no real harm to same-sex couples because Connecticut grants many of the state-level protections of married couples through civil unions. The Supreme Court disagreed with the lower court and ruled that the civil unions scheme is not acceptable and discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation…Connecticut is now the third U.S. state to grant the freedom to marry to same-sex couples, after Massachusetts and California. New York, in addition, recognizes marriages betweens same-sex couples performed in other states.”

Congratulations to Connecticut and thank you to the judges on their state’s supreme court, for voting on the side of truth and fairness!

For more information on this breaking news, click here for an article on the news in the Boston Globe.

Hello there!  Happy Easter Bunny hopping and/or hunting to you!  I hope you make time for fun and frolick.  Eat lightly and spend time with family and friends who treasure YOU!

Today’s post will be a ‘quickie’ because I have some holiday travel to do.  Here’s my announcements:

1)  Red Maple Happy Hour 3/27/08 for GLBT Women in Baltimore, Maryland.

2)  Marriage study in the news finds happily married couples have healthier blood pressure.

3)  Cynthia Nixon opens up about her lesbian relationship – But Coach Sappho wants to know – When are you going to commit to your partner, Cynthia?

(more…)

Wow, I heard about a fascinating study today that seems to add credence to the belief that astrology is snake oil!  A scientist from the UK looked at the birthdays of 20 million husbands and wives in the UK (in the UK’s 2001 Census) to see ‘if certain star signs were attracted to others ‘.

The scientist didn’t find a correlation between sun sign and who was married to whom.  He reports that the only ‘relationship’ he found was ‘chance’.

What do you think?  I’ve always questioned the whole astrology thing, given I’m probably more scientist than artist at heart.  I do know that I fit some Taurean characteristics (my sun sign), but not others.  Especially as I’ve gotten older, I less and less seem to fit the Bull!  …course, ask those close to me for the ‘whole story’! 

As long as folks don’t take the whole horoscope thing too seriously, it can be fun.  I’ve always thought astrology a great ‘ice breaker’ or conversation starter/lubricator.  I remember being in a gay golf league years ago and looking forward to getting together with other club members at an area restaurant after playing.  There was one woman in the club, an attorney no less, who loved to ask each of us ‘what is your sign?’ and launch into a comical ‘reading’ designed to tell us how to live our lives, who to love etc.

Also – before you go trashing the boring/nerdy scientists, I have to say that the scientist part of me reminds me that we are limited by the tools we have to observe what is.  So, perhaps we can’t definitively answer whether astrology is true or not!

Ultimately the author of the study believes people will still go on believing in ‘reading the stars’, eventhough his and ‘hundreds’ of other similar studies, seem to dispute the validity of the method.  He even points to celebrity pairings whose star signs should be compatible who had stormy relationships which didn’t last.

Such is the mystery of love and attraction and what people feel drawn to do to find and keep the love they have.  I myself recommend folks try a more conscious, ‘centered’, or, shall we say ‘grounded in reality’ method of finding, growing and cherishing love:  relationship coaching!

Then again, I’m starting to sound ever more like that ‘down to earth’ Bull that I am…. 

Click here to read the article!

Have a kissable day!

Barb Elgin