OR, perhaps you want to ask out that special someone you’ve just met (or someone you’ve been admiring for awhile now, from afar).  Now what…

It’s time to go on your first date!

It’s as simple as that, right!?!  Exciting?  Nerve-wracking?  Doesn’t have to be.  Not with Coach Sappho’s tips for great first dates.

First off, you want to start by feeling confident, on the outside and on the inside, for the experience.  Dating is a numbers game, particularly if your goal is finding your Mz. Right.  More importantly, dating is meant to be fun too, so that’s the attitude you must have towards it.  If you are too heavy about the experience, you will defeat your purpose.  Pushing to meet Mz. Right will drive her right away.

So if we take a look at outer topics, that means issues such as your appearance and how you present yourself.  On the inside, that means being aware of all of those emotional and mental elements Coach Sappho has oodles of information and support about, to guide you in gradually zeroing in on a woman you fit well with, not only in the short run, but for the long haul!

So, stay tuned for my next post, where I’ll share tips on preparing for that first date!

On the positive side, I look at today’s online environment for singles as a banquet or feast.  In addition to the ability to reach out and search practically anywhere in the world to find other women, the addition of testing to online search sites gives us some really cool ‘systems’ and ‘theories’, if you will, that we can dive into, learn, take their tests and determine things like ‘your type’ and ‘those who might be attracted to or, complementary to, you’.

Then – on the negative or, ‘realistically optimistic’ side, or devil’s advocate position – think of the feeling you get when you’ve eaten (or drank) too much!  I don’t know about you, but its’ easy to become ‘overwhelmed’ by all of the ‘newfangled’ theories and methods available about love and dating on the internet today.

The good news is that there is significant power and resources being put behind the ‘problem’ of ‘finding a date, soul mate or life partner’.  There are several big time corporations now organized and powerful enough to do large scale research and development, beyond what your typical university or professor can do, and, for the most part, the results (and benefits to you) are worth considering.

One example of a ‘cutting edge’, research-based ‘compatibility’ system added on to your basic online dating is the Chemistry.com system.  I might be somewhat positively-biased on this one because I know Helen Fisher, the anthropologist who created the heart of their ‘personality typing’ and ‘matching’ system.

Helen’s system is based on her love: evolution and biology.  Her system attempts to define all of us as having a dominant ‘temperament’ based on four brain chemicals: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine and serotonin.  Sound similar to any other ‘personality typing’ systems you know?  Those of you who are into psychological testing might say: Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram.

I don’t know if Helen’s system is any more ‘scientific’ than the Myers-Briggs, or if that even matters, anyway.  Has Fisher actually tested the brains of her subjects?  I doubt it.  I don’t even know if this sort of testing is even possible at this point.

It seems that these typing systems are intriguing, but, they have their critics.  I read an industry blog pretty regularly where a diverse group of business folk and researchers fight this out.  The social worker in me asks,

• What about the impact of social and psychological factors?
• What about those of us who don’t fall so strongly into one of the four categories?

From what I can see (from my corner of the universe – I am not, for example, a researcher), the state of the industry on this thing is that we may know, like we do with Helen’s system, who we are initially or naturally attracted to, but we still don’t really understand much about what separates those couples who do stay together over time from those who don’t.  Well, that’s not entirely untrue, but that’s a subject for another post.

It’s like the thing about finding a gay gene:  most likely there isn’t one gene, but a combination or interaction of many genes and, frankly, I hope they never find that exact combination out!

Now, what is really cool and undisputed about Helen’s work is the number of people she has access to study.  Helen says she has been able to study the responses of at least 4 million men and women, to date.  That is huge.  I’ve been communicating with Helen over the years and advocating for her to focus in on the lesbian community a bit more and, I emailed her earlier today to see if she is getting any further with that project.  (Of course I’ll let you know what I find out!)

So, Barb, you say, what does all of this mean for me?  Why should I care?  And, how do I use today’s online dating tools to my advantage?

To help you make greater sense of this ‘big ball o’ love’, I’ve come up with some simple tips you can follow, to help you use today’s online dating resources to your advantage.

TIP #1: Get clear what you are looking for before you look.

When a client says to me, ‘which dating site do I use or which one is best?’, I have to answer that first with a question: What is your vision for the ‘romantic relationship’ area of YOUR life? Your vision is very important, in terms of deciding what I would advise you do in terms of dating, partner searching, etc.

My bias is that lesbian women benefit in many ways when they make the conscious decision to value a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship as a centerpiece or, foundational element, of their life.  So my passion is helping the lesbian woman who is ready to become the kind of woman who does this well and help her find a woman she can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.  I believe it makes the most sense to focus most on becoming capable of long term love and finding a woman who is likewise capable of building a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with you, in this lifetime.

Do you see the difference? I take this approach with my clients because I believe that creating a great love life for a lifetime is about so much more than who you are most naturally attracted to in a ‘chemical’ sense or ‘static’ sense.  That’s because no one fits perfectly into a box and people change, over time.

Also important in the mix is the issue of envisioning the type of relationship (not just person) you want to create with another woman.

Looking at these other very important aspects, I think, round out the limitations of systems that test and type and put you into a box.  What I mean by ‘putting yourself’ (or a potential match) into a box is limiting yourself too much, or, relying too heavily on these types of assessments and tests.

Systems like Chemisty.com are incredibly useful and important, just don’t make them the only means of assessing, experimenting and observing you do.  For example, while these systems may help you save time and really focus in on women you would really be interested in dating, you still need to date each person you are attracted to, to determine if this is someone you want to build your life around.

So – to answer the question, ‘Which dating site is best for me?’, I would say there is no, as of yet, one ‘perfect’ method of finding your ‘perfect match’ (even if there is an online dating company named that).  So, don’t worry, chances are you aren’t ‘missing anything’!

While Helen Fisher may love the method she’s created, and many others love it too, Helen is smart enough to know that even her method has limitations.  The worst thing anyone can do is forget the ‘spirit of the law’ or hit someone over the head with one of these methods.  Sorry to disappoint, but that’s important to remember!

TIP #2: Like investing in the stock market, your best bet is to diversify.  Use more than one resource – on and offline – when it comes to dating, up to the point of your feeling overwhelmed.

I suggest to all of my clients that, when it comes to finding compatible women to date, that they ‘cast the widest net’ possible, with the caveat – until you find it overwhelming.

Casting a wide net also includes using OTHER methods of meeting women, such as…

• telling your friends and family you want their help
• attending social events highly aligned with who you are and what you want
• using lower tech, higher touch services from a resource such as Coach Sappho (where I teach you how to take care of yourself and how to date in ways that result in you choosing a partner you CAN build an amazing future with)

So what’s my bottom line to date, on using online dating tools to your advantage in Attracting Mz. Right:

• Most importantly, have fun, no matter which tools and resources you choose!
• Try out different tools and ideas and approach each with a spirit of experimentation.  For example, why not take the next six months and date one woman each (either consecutively or, perhaps better, concurrently) from a variety of self-selected and ‘selected for you’ resources, such as Lez Rendezvous, Chemistry.com, an introduction from friends or family who know you well and one woman you met at an event or activity that is highly aligned with your values.
• While you date these women, be clear up front if you are ‘dating non-exclusively now with the intention of finding a life partner in the near future’.  Most of us don’t take enough time to really ‘play the field’.  Now you are free to do so, if you so dare!  HINT:  date coaching can help!
• When it comes to the information these various online matchmaking and dating sites spit out on you and the women you date, remember, be careful about relying solely on this information.  You’ve still got to ‘date’!  Remember?  One of the processes I’m very wary of in today’s information saturated culture is becoming influenced too much or controlled by what we read.  When we take something that may not even be true for us to heart, we may stop being free to take the actions we could take ‘because this is the way I am’ or ‘because it’s hopeless’.
• Don’t overwhelm yourself by engaging in more systems than you can enjoy.  Everyone is different – some people may have time and energy to sign up for – and use – 5 of these types of systems whereas others should  instead focus on one or two.  I think it’s a waste to sign up for systems you end up not using or you barely use.  It’s better to get the most use you can out of one or two systems rather than spread yourself too thin and not achieve the best results you can from any one of them.

I think you’ll agree this is a fascinating subject and something I will probably spend more time blogging about!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Some of my current and former clients only recently ‘came out of the closet’.  Some have even been married to a man for some length of time and are choosing to live a more authentic, ‘this is who I really am’ lesbian life for the first time.  And many others have identified, even rather openly, as lesbian for years but they…

• haven’t experience a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship with another woman
• they haven’t felt comfortable asking for what they want
• or they haven’t been aware of what they want romantically, for various reasons, most likely due to the socialization (or lack thereof) women and lesbian women receive when it comes to love, dating and relationships.

As I always remind all of my clients, whether they are single, dating or coupled, two of the most important secrets to creating a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with the woman of their dreams is knowing who you are and what you want.

Just as important, however, as knowing who you are and what you want is:

• being able to live your truth

and

• being willing to be a great partner

When it comes to living one’s truth, let’s face it: until the ‘rubber meets the road’, who you are and what you want is only theoretical.  Meaning, in terms of the world and how you are perceived and whether (and what) you will manifest, the results you achieve are based upon your ability to take actions, millions of them, moment after moment, day after day and year after year, that are aligned with who you believe yourself to be, in the world.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  Although there is nothing wrong with demanding ‘excellence’ of yourself.  In fact, it’s better to ‘expect too much’, I believe, than to not ‘expect enough’ of yourself, in particular your behavior.  And, this gets to the point of today’s post.

As much as it is important to get clear who you are, what you want and as vital as it is to be able to express ‘you’ lovingly, yet clearly in the world, perhaps most important of all, if you hope to create a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman, is being able to be a great partner.

Most of us are aware of what we expect from the woman we invite into our lives, but do you spend as much time learning and practicing becoming a great partner to that woman you expect so much from? (as well you should, by the way!)…

As it’s been said, when it’s easy to be a great partner, that is, on days and during the hours of the day when things are going smooth, you are rested and you aren’t irritable and your partner is the same, being a great partner is much easier than when you are tired, you both disagree or you just don’t feel like being kind or ‘negotiable’ at that moment.

Well now, these tougher moments are when the rubber truly meets the road:  can you be respectful when you aren’t in the mood to be?  None of us are perfect on this one, we’ve all slipped, right, so, let’s cut ourselves and others some (not too much though!) slack during these moments!  

The best, most lasting relationships consist of two individuals who are being great partners.  Why is that?  Because when you have two women doing the very best they can to nurture their relationship, they create the conditions that allow each woman to feel they are being celebrated for who they are while they are treated like a queen.

Certainly then, if you aren’t being a great partner, is it fair to expect your partner to be a great partner?  Hmmmm………..the good news is this:  when you don’t feel like being a great partner, step back and take a deep breath before you do anything else…from there you will have a clearer head and you will be more likely to respond with love (or with no response at all until you are able to make a positive response) instead of reacting in response to your frustration (or some other negative emotion).

I am not saying you sweep important issues under the rug.  I am just saying there is always a time and a place, right? 

Lastly: put one mark in the ‘credit’ column of your relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

Wonderful food for thought, eh?

Have a fabulous afternoon!

Barb Elgin

p.s.  Are you single or dating to meet your life partner?  If you are, be sure to check out Lez Rendezvous, our premiere dating and coaching community for lesbians.  We have a great tele-discussion this evening at 7:30p ET where we are talking about getting ready to attract our soulmates.  Don’t miss it!  Great potential partners hang out here!  And, some ‘love matches’ are already happenin’… 

I also received an email yesterday from my friend Dan Furmansky, executive director of Equality Maryland, who reports that they’ve got a case very similar to New Jerseys, that will be heard by Maryland’s highest court, in December!  So, stay tuned.

Eventhough the righteous right blows alot of hot air and, there remains, in most places in the US, discrimination against gays in terms of their relationships and jobs, things are continuing to improve.  We’ve got a long way to go so, do what you can, every day, to move equality forward!  And that doesn’t mean you have to get active politically, you can do it right in your own backyard by being more authentic with your family, friends and, if you judge it safe, co-workers. 

Even if you aren’t willing to ‘be out’, for example, at work, (because you work in a state that doesn’t protect gays from being fired and your company doesn’t have gay-positive policies), you can still advance equality by speaking up if someone is expressing bigotry on the subject.  You can speak up and/or defend someone else who you know is out and gay in your company.  You can educate others about sexual orientation when you hear misinformation being spread.

And, ‘push the envelope’ with those in your family who are the most ‘neutral’ about supporting you to be who you are.  Or, if someone in your family is, lucky you, very supportive, take some time to thank them and, maybe ask them what the two of you can do to make it more ‘hospitable’ for you to be more yourself with your family.

Believe me – it’s worth it to your own self esteem and physical health.  The results are amazing – those who courageously speak up not only help themselves, they help the world become a more loving, better place for everyone.  Really! 

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Sign up for individual or couples coaching between now and 12/31/06 with Barb Elgin and Barb will donate 10% of your fee to the Juno Foundation, a non-profit helping lesbians with Cancer. 

That’s right!  As this is still Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I want to do something to help.  This past year, I started building a relationship with the ladies over at the Juno Foundation, a non-profit based in Orlando, Florida, whose focus is supporting lesbians with cancer.

Every February Juno holds a wonderful dinner and auction event at a nice hotel in Orlando.  This annual dinner is their major fundraiser for the year.   I attended my first one this past winter and had a great time.   I was honored to donate coaching scholarships for the silent auction.  I hear that attendance has been growing each year and it’s becoming quite the ‘dress up’ event for lesbians in Orlando/Central Florida! 

During the event, attendees got to meet one of Juno’s beneficiaries, an African American woman whose cancer put her in a wheel chair but didn’t deter her from coming to tell us about how Juno was helping her and her partner.  I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place.

This summer, I held a charity raffle at St. Pete Pride and named Juno as my chosen charity.  Juno provided me with some wonderful, informative brochures to pass out during the event and I believe many had their consciousness raised as to the prevalence of breast cancer in the lesbian community, and what to do about it.

So, it’s a natural that I would continue to support Juno’s work.  If you’ve been ‘sitting on the fence’ about signing up for coaching, perhaps 10% of your fee towards this worthy charity will get you off the fence!

Just be sure to mention you want 10% of your fee to go to Juno when you sign up for coaching!

Want to learn more about coaching and how it can help you?  Click here, here and here to get started!

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Coach Sappho? coming to a town near you in 2007?

Over here at Coach Sappho? we are continuing to prepare for 2007.  And, we need your help doing so.  I plan to bring ‘conscious dating and mating’ for gay and lesbian singles and couples to a town near you in 2007.  I will go where the interest is, so, let me know if you’d like me to come and speak or do a seminar. 

In fact, one of the events I am ready to roll out right now is a two day singles workshop on attracting your soulmate!  Sound juicy?  Let me know what you think.

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FREE Relationship Resources from Coach Sappho?:

Barb Elgin’s article series – For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays - at many gay and lesbian web sites!

Don’t know if you noticed, but several gay and lesbian web sites have picked up my five part series, “For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays”.  Right now you can catch Part Two at Lesbian Nation!

Coach Sappho Releases New, Five Part E-Course:  How to Find Your Life Partner and Her ‘Creating A Life I Love’ private website to the public

This past week I’ve made available to everyone two new, complimentary relationship and relationship-related resources, so, be sure to grab them while they’re hot:

• my intriguing, five part e-course ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’
• Coach Sappho’s Creating a Life I Love Club member site (which was previously for members only).

The e-course comes to your email box five consecutive days and the website is available anytime, using the password you will receive.  The Creating a Life I Love Club site is chock full of personal, relationship, career, financial, etc., life improvement resources.

Click here to sign up for ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’ now.

Click here to receive the link and password to Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club website now.

Catch Coach Sappho on Internet Radio Live!

And, don’t forget to listen in at the Lesbian Lounge at ‘Gay Internet Radio Live’ next Wednesday night (November 1, 2006), where I’ll be dishing some delectable advice during the ‘Just Say No to Lesbian Bed Death’ portion of the show.  I come on between 9:30-10p ET, but be sure to tune in at 9 to catch all of the fun.  The two show hosts, Donna and Denise, are a hoot!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Barb Elgin