So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?  -ABC’s Jake Tapper.

I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

It’s been quite busy around here, necessitating my decision to change the time and day of Coach Sappho’s podcast.   I’ve moved Coach Sappho’s podcast to the first and third Thursdays of each month at 4p ET.  Please make note of it.  If you’re already a podcast subscriber, you’ll get a show reminder by Wednesday.

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

(more…)

Well, here we are – Valentine’s week.  What are your plans for Valentines? Is Valentines ‘just another day’ for you or do you think it’s not for you because you are single?  Or, if you are in a relationship, what is your ‘grand vision’ for commemorating your relationship?

And, lastly if you have the right to marry, how has marriage impacted your relationship and how do you feel about others in the U.S. NOT having the right to a basic human right you enjoy?

Here’s my suggestion for making sure Valentine’s is one day a celebration that all couples, gay and straight, share equally:

DO something this coming week that supports the marriage equality movement.  That’s right – even if you don’t care about marriage for yourself, how about your GLBT friends and family who want to get married?  Think about them.  Think about the many laws and ‘quality of life’ advantages of marriage that anti-gay amendments and federal laws like DOMA are keeping from us.

If you hesitate to get involved because Valentine’s is a social ‘holiday’ and marriage equality seems to be a political issue, I would encourage you to realize that, often, the personal IS political and, that marriage equality is a human issue not a political one, at it’s essence.

For those of you who are wondering how you can help, here’s a great idea:

Get involved in ‘Freedom to Marry’ activities

That’s right – my colleague Evan Wolfson’s organization has answered the straight world’s ‘Marriage Week USA’ with a week of our own.  Freedom to Marry Week is an opportunity to talk about marriage equality. It’s an opportunity for GLBT’s and allies to celebrate gay and lesbian relationships and the need to equalize marriage for all.

AND HERE’S A BONUS FOR YOU:  Last year I invited Evan Wolfson to join me on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.  So, be sure to go here - http://www.freedomtomarry.org/evan_wolfson/evan_wolfson_interviews.php to catch my interview with Evan last February on Freedom to Marry’s mission, Freedom to Marry Week and his insights as to what was next on the marriage equality front.

If you scroll down to the 5th interview, there’s where I’ll be! What I think is most interesting about my interview with Evan is how he gives all of us a ‘hopeful, helpful’ perspective about the marriage equality ‘battle’ and how it mirrors the success of other civil rights battles in our country’s history.

Be sure to listen to the interview and post right here on Coach Sappho’s Blog your plans for Freedom to Marry Week.

BE well,

Barb Elgin
NEW! Lez Rendezvous
A Singles Club for Lesbians
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Wow!  As I write you and reflect on this week, front and center is the fact that New Jersey’s high court has ruled that the legislature has to equalize things somehow for gay and lesbian couples in their state.  There wasn’t enough support on the court to pass a ‘gay marriage’ ruling and they are leaving it up to the legislature to decide.  The coming months in New Jersey should be interesting…

I also received an email yesterday from my friend Dan Furmansky, executive director of Equality Maryland, who reports that they’ve got a case very similar to New Jerseys, that will be heard by Maryland’s highest court, in December!  So, stay tuned.

Eventhough the righteous right blows alot of hot air and, there remains, in most places in the US, discrimination against gays in terms of their relationships and jobs, things are continuing to improve.  We’ve got a long way to go so, do what you can, every day, to move equality forward!  And that doesn’t mean you have to get active politically, you can do it right in your own backyard by being more authentic with your family, friends and, if you judge it safe, co-workers. 

Even if you aren’t willing to ‘be out’, for example, at work, (because you work in a state that doesn’t protect gays from being fired and your company doesn’t have gay-positive policies), you can still advance equality by speaking up if someone is expressing bigotry on the subject.  You can speak up and/or defend someone else who you know is out and gay in your company.  You can educate others about sexual orientation when you hear misinformation being spread.

And, ‘push the envelope’ with those in your family who are the most ‘neutral’ about supporting you to be who you are.  Or, if someone in your family is, lucky you, very supportive, take some time to thank them and, maybe ask them what the two of you can do to make it more ‘hospitable’ for you to be more yourself with your family.

Believe me – it’s worth it to your own self esteem and physical health.  The results are amazing – those who courageously speak up not only help themselves, they help the world become a more loving, better place for everyone.  Really! 

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Sign up for individual or couples coaching between now and 12/31/06 with Barb Elgin and Barb will donate 10% of your fee to the Juno Foundation, a non-profit helping lesbians with Cancer. 

That’s right!  As this is still Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I want to do something to help.  This past year, I started building a relationship with the ladies over at the Juno Foundation, a non-profit based in Orlando, Florida, whose focus is supporting lesbians with cancer.

Every February Juno holds a wonderful dinner and auction event at a nice hotel in Orlando.  This annual dinner is their major fundraiser for the year.   I attended my first one this past winter and had a great time.   I was honored to donate coaching scholarships for the silent auction.  I hear that attendance has been growing each year and it’s becoming quite the ‘dress up’ event for lesbians in Orlando/Central Florida! 

During the event, attendees got to meet one of Juno’s beneficiaries, an African American woman whose cancer put her in a wheel chair but didn’t deter her from coming to tell us about how Juno was helping her and her partner.  I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place.

This summer, I held a charity raffle at St. Pete Pride and named Juno as my chosen charity.  Juno provided me with some wonderful, informative brochures to pass out during the event and I believe many had their consciousness raised as to the prevalence of breast cancer in the lesbian community, and what to do about it.

So, it’s a natural that I would continue to support Juno’s work.  If you’ve been ‘sitting on the fence’ about signing up for coaching, perhaps 10% of your fee towards this worthy charity will get you off the fence!

Just be sure to mention you want 10% of your fee to go to Juno when you sign up for coaching!

Want to learn more about coaching and how it can help you?  Click here, here and here to get started!

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Coach Sappho? coming to a town near you in 2007?

Over here at Coach Sappho? we are continuing to prepare for 2007.  And, we need your help doing so.  I plan to bring ‘conscious dating and mating’ for gay and lesbian singles and couples to a town near you in 2007.  I will go where the interest is, so, let me know if you’d like me to come and speak or do a seminar. 

In fact, one of the events I am ready to roll out right now is a two day singles workshop on attracting your soulmate!  Sound juicy?  Let me know what you think.

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FREE Relationship Resources from Coach Sappho?:

Barb Elgin’s article series – For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays - at many gay and lesbian web sites!

Don’t know if you noticed, but several gay and lesbian web sites have picked up my five part series, “For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays”.  Right now you can catch Part Two at Lesbian Nation!

Coach Sappho Releases New, Five Part E-Course:  How to Find Your Life Partner and Her ‘Creating A Life I Love’ private website to the public

This past week I’ve made available to everyone two new, complimentary relationship and relationship-related resources, so, be sure to grab them while they’re hot:

• my intriguing, five part e-course ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’
• Coach Sappho’s Creating a Life I Love Club member site (which was previously for members only).

The e-course comes to your email box five consecutive days and the website is available anytime, using the password you will receive.  The Creating a Life I Love Club site is chock full of personal, relationship, career, financial, etc., life improvement resources.

Click here to sign up for ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’ now.

Click here to receive the link and password to Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club website now.

Catch Coach Sappho on Internet Radio Live!

And, don’t forget to listen in at the Lesbian Lounge at ‘Gay Internet Radio Live’ next Wednesday night (November 1, 2006), where I’ll be dishing some delectable advice during the ‘Just Say No to Lesbian Bed Death’ portion of the show.  I come on between 9:30-10p ET, but be sure to tune in at 9 to catch all of the fun.  The two show hosts, Donna and Denise, are a hoot!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Barb Elgin

Welcome home to me!  Wow – I returned home late Monday night after 32 days away and 3,000 road miles later!  Even though the trip was wonderful, personally and professionally, there’s no place like home!

I’m a New Mommy!

That’s right – I arrived home from my trip with a bundle of joy – my miniature pinscher Ruby.   Ruby is 15 years old and remarkably well for that age.  She’s already loving her new home.  In fact, she is lying right beside my feet right now, snoring away!

Ruby is one of my ‘furkids’ from my previous relationship.  My ex is busy busily caring for her other sick dog (Cupid) and her very ill mom.  And, I was truly ready for Ruby now.   So I agreed to take custody of ‘the Rube’. 

Ruby and I had a rough first night together in a hotel room near ‘South of the Border’ (the South Carolina/North Carolina line).  Ruby was missing her familiar surroundings, Cupid and her mommy.  And, to make matters worse, there was a full length mirror in the room that scared her!

I’m happy to report it’s been pretty ‘smooth sailing’ since that first night.  She’s adjusting very well in my home.  She’s already a hit with the neighbors, chased a lizard and taken her first golf cart ride!

Phew!  I’ve had an enjoyable, restful and yet busy, week back home.  I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of getting settled, however, Ruby and I are enjoying some fantastic fall/winter prelude weather here in Central Florida (mid 80′s during the day, light breeze, low/no humidity).  I consider the break in the heat a blessing for Ruby as her body is no doubt adjusting to the southern clilmate.

Rosie O’Donnell:  Aren’t we glad she’s a bigmouth???

Yesterday, I took a few minutes away from unpacking to watch Rosie O’Donnell on The View.  I love how natural and, well, AUTHENTIC Rosie is on the show.  Now, of course, right wing activists are probably saying she’s ‘making it political’ or ‘shoving her gay rights/lifestyle in the public’s face’ but Rosie is just being herself instead of hiding.

I hear Rosie brought her wife, Kelli, to her first show and, pointed her out in the audience.  And, yesterday she took an opportunity when one of the hosts referred to couples as ‘he and she’ to say, “…and for some of us it’s ‘he and he’ or ‘she and she’.” The other hosts naturally mention their spouses, children and families too, when their personal lives relate to whatever it is they are discussing, so why should Rosie be any different?  I think Babs Walters was quite the slick one in selecting Rosie for the show.  I for one am so grateful to Babs!

Secrets to keeping your love alive…

Today, I caught some of the Ellen Degeneres show and one of her guests was Ashton Kutcher.  What a breath of fresh air he is!  Ashton, who is on the cover of this month’s Details Magazine, was called ‘perhaps the best husband there is’.  When Ellen asked him why he said, ‘because I have the best wife in the world’.  He also mentioned one of the secrets to their success (they’ve been together four years and they just celebrated their first wedding anniversary) is to…

KEEP IT NEW (or you’re through)

I thought this great wisdom from the mouth of a mere babe in the woods of love and romance.  Sounds counterintuitive doesn’t it?  Why in the heck do you have to worry about ‘new-ness’ when one of the main reasons you entered a committed relationship was to enjoy the comfort of the familiar.

However, familiarity can breed contempt.  And, as many of us who coach or counsel couples know, contempt is one of the so-called ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse’, those dreaded grim reapers that will kill a relationship.   So, keep in mind, all things being equal, the more familiar you get with your amour, the more likely you are to fall into behaviors that can threaten the long term satisfaction and success of your relationship.   I said ‘more likely’, which means it doesn’t have to be that way, it’s just that most relationships tend towards ‘chaos’ without attention to what works.

Why does too much familarity threaten relationships?  When we get too comfortable, some of us start taking our partners and our relationships for granted.   Others adopt the attitude that we know all there is to know about our partner.  Both attitudes when acted upon will get us into hot water.

It is my opinion that gay and lesbian couples can be especially at risk if the four horsemen raise their heads because many of us don’t have access to the ties many straight couples enjoy.  Ties such as children, family support and the financial benefits and securities marriage confers.  Ties that reward couples who ride out the inevitable rough spots all long term relationships go through.

However, I’m going to use some ‘tough love’ here:  even though society isn’t as supportive of gay relationships as it is for straight ones, this doesn’t let gay couples off the hook.  And, while most gays and lesbians need to get more involved in changing the system that discriminates against them, real change begins at home and one of the most important things all of us can do to ‘plead our case’ for marriage equality is to share more openly with the world that we are in loving, same sex relationships and live in those relationships with love.

So, don’t get too comfortable or familiar with your partner.   Shake it up…all the time!  New doesn’t have to mean uncomfortable.  In fact, new can be exciting and risky in a healthy way or as simple as approaching your relationship each day with fresh eyes and ears.

What can you do this week to keep it fresh and new with your partner?

And, if you’re single, be sure to make note of this post and be sure to file it away for the days ahead! 

C U soon!

Barb Elgin (Coach Sappho?)

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If you are single or in a relationship and your vision includes forming and nurturing a long term, deeply satisfying life with another person, you will want to check out Coach Sappho?, a unique, ‘members only’ community for gay and gay-friendly singles and couples who are ‘like-minded’ about creating authentic lives and relationships. 

Coach Sappho? offers a number of convenient, fun, wisdom-packed events and opportunities for singles and couples who are open to collaborating with an experienced coach who can help them clarify a powerful vision for where they want their life to go and a plan to help them get there.   If you’d like to learn more, click here.

Or, if you prefer, I offer an initial, complimentary, one-on-one, no obligation coaching meeting, where I invite you to begin building a ‘working’ relationship with me that will help you change your life in wondrous ways.  Just email me and we’ll set up a time that is convenient for us to talk.   In addition to the meeting, I also cover the cost of the phone call!

 

In last week’s post I introduced the topic of writing personal ads.  The growth of online dating and social networking sites certainly offer single individuals seemingly unlimited opportunities for getting information out there about themselves to the masses. 

Even better, if you join one or more services using some of the more sophisticated means of matching, you may meet with greater success finding someone you are both compatible with and, attracted to, however, before you feel that writing a personal ad is necessary to meeting a soulmate, I recommend you decide whether you even want to use your precious time using this particular search strategy.

In last week’s post I mentioned perception and hype.  There is the belief by some online dating industry watchdogs that current online dating and social networking sites are promising more than they can deliver.  I hear some say the sites are good for ‘hooking up’ (slang for transactional and/or sexual or, short term encounters). 

I suspected that the younger set (say 18-25 or so) use online strategies with greater regularity and probably success than most older singles, although I was informed yesterday by a 21 year old female, who is in an exclusive, heterosexual relationship, that she and most of her friends, single and coupled, look at online dating as an ‘act of desperation’.  So much for a very tiny, possibly unrepresentative sample!  ;-]

I don’t know how prevalent or true any of these perceptions are, however, it is a fact that the internet dating industry is still very young.  You can bet online dating companies will continue to innovate, expand and improve their services to singles.   They’ll need to if they plan to survive.  If so, perhaps the usefulness of online dating sites for more of us will improve in the months and years ahead.

However, in the meantime, if you are single right now and you are seriously looking for a life partner right now, depending solely on placing personal ads, via the internet or elsewhere, is probably not the most direct or smartest search strategy.  And, I think that holds true for gay and straight singles.

That’s right!  There are probably better, more reliable search strategies!  So, if you decide to write a personal ad, that’s great, there is nothing wrong with that.  Just remember that this strategy alone is not very likely to ‘be enough’.  Just like the typical experiences I hear of those who launch into a search on multiple, well-known job sites, like Monster, Gaywork.com and Career Builder.  Initiating the search is easy (and so is getting those lovely emails right in your inbox that the job site sends to you based on your preferences), however, many jobhunters find online searching to be only one of several things they must do to eventually land a real job.

So, should you write a personal ad?  More important, I think, than should, is desire.  Do you want to invest your precious time writing, posting and responding to, personal ads?  Again, I don’t think it can hurt, particularly if you are deeply focused on making this strategy work for you.

Most importantly, I think that the more you know about the entire process, the more informed you will be at selecting the approach (or approaches) that work best for you.  For example, are you aware of all of the current, available options for meeting a soulmate?  Did you know that there is a continuum of most to least-likely places to meet singles that are potential soulmates for you?

Using a personal ad to find dates might be a great idea if you have already visited and/or used one or more online dating sites and you have already written an ad or two that are attracting to you the types of individuals you find appealing.  Certainly, there are some potential advantages to internet dating and personal ad posting, such as:

• a seemingly greater pool of individuals to choose from (and get your ad out to)
• lower cost (as compared to joining dating or matchmaking services, attending in person singles events, joining singles clubs, etc.)
• enough information is often available for efficient sorting (sorting being an important singles skill you’ll want to learn more about)
• you choose the amount of anonymity you want
• it’s easy to control most aspects of the process

Do these ‘benefits’ appeal to you?  Will they still appeal to you once you better understand the disadvantages of online dating?  Lastly, do these comments hold true for couples who are now getting online to find other compatible couples for recreation, activism, etc.?

Stay tuned for my next post where I’ll discuss the potential downsides to online dating!  And, be sure to click on ‘comments’ below and post your reactions, questions, etc.   I do read and respond to them online!

Have a great Friday!

Barb Elgin

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If you are single or in a relationship and your vision includes forming and nurturing a long term, deeply satisfying life with another person, you will want to check out Coach Sappho?, a unique, ‘members only’ community for singles and couples who are ‘like-minded’ about creating authentic lives and relationships. 

Coach Sappho? offers a number of convenient, fun, wisdom-packed events and opportunities for singles and couples who are open to collaborating with an experienced coach who can help them clarify a powerful vision for where they want their life to go and a plan to help them get there.   If you’d like to learn more, click here.

Or, if you prefer, I offer an initial, complimentary, one-on-one, no obligation coaching meeting, where I invite you to begin building a ‘working’ relationship with me that will help you change your life in wondrous ways.  Just email me and we’ll set up a time that is convenient for us to talk.   In addition to the meeting, I also cover the cost of the phone call!