One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

Lara is an accomplished author and editor who has put together ‘To Love and To Cherish’, an amazing anthology chronicling lesbian love, relationships and marriage.  And, indicative of her commitment to the issue, she’s selling the anthology with all proceeds going to Marriage Equality USA.

During our interview, Lara shared the fun she had bringing together the authors in the book as well as the entire process of editing and publishing the project.

At the end of our 60 minute interview, Lara shared a reading from one of the fourteen stories in the collection.  The collection includes three volumes:

• Volume I: On Bended Knee
• Volume II: With This Ring
• Volume III: Lives and Wives

Please note that Lara and the authors created this anthology without taking an income.  A true labor of love!

What a great deal:  when you buy this series you are both:

• Getting an amazing book
• Giving back to a very, worthy cause

By the way, I’m buying my Kindle copy right now for the great price of only $3.75!!!

Be sure you let me know how you are enjoying the stories!

Barb

If you are straight and, especially if you aren’t a strong advocate FOR marriage equality, or even if you don’t believe yourself in gay marriage, really imagine what it would be like to be ‘ignored’ or be so invisibly regarded in your time of greatest grief and loss.

Sadly, Jonny’s partner of seven years was murdered.  This video, produced by Basic Rights Oregon, details what it has been like for Jonny to go through the real, tangible problems that survivors go through when a couple lacks legal ties in addition to the grief of losing that relationship.

Jonny shares that, as a result of his experience, it’s ever more clear to him that domestic partnership is NOT the same as marriage in terms of rights, respect and recognition, not only from governmental institutions but down to the EMT’s that may care for you in the ambulance when you are rushed to the hospital.

Using words like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ make all the difference.  Indeed, I can understand why gay couples who aren’t legally married use these terms…

Be sure to send Jonny your thoughts…

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and find out how we can help your relationship thrive!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Bill Moyers just interviewed the two straight attorneys representing the gay couple and lesbian couple who are suing the State of California for denying them the right to marry.  PBS calls this suit a ‘well financed challenge to California’s Proposition 8′.

Stories such as this sure makes me hope (and think) there has to be a ‘greater plan’ in the universe.  The two attorneys I am referring to are Ted Olson, a conservative and David Boies, a liberal.

Do these names sound familiar to you? If not, just know that these two men went against each other in the infamous Bush v. Gore Supreme Court case that stopped the Florida recount and awarded George Bush the presidency.

Now Olson and Boies are working on the same team to help gay and lesbian citizens achieve full equality on the marriage front.  Yes, they are starting the ‘battle’ in California, but their bet is that eventually, and, sooner rather than later, someone will take the marriage equality issue to the United States Supreme Court.

Olson and Boies want to make sure gays and lesbians have the best chance of coming out on top.  They’re betting they can represent gay Americans better than anyone and they are ready to do so.

You will love what these men have to say about human rights, our Constitution and our Bill of Rights.  All of these issues point directly and decisively to the fact that unless gays and lesbians are allowed to marry, we are, as a country going against the most important values we hold as a nation.  And we are going against the most credible research on the topic.

There is no turning back.  America’s current treatment of gays and lesbians is abhorrent, when seen in the way Boies and Olson frame the issue.

Click here to watch Moyer’s excellent interview of these two bright, compassionate men.  Just the fact that this intelligent, conservative man (Olson) sat there, responding so clearly and rationally, to the usual arguments anti-gays use when talking about same sex marriage, will change some hearts.

Particularly if you are a gay or lesbian couple who doesn’t have the benefit of legal marriage, or, if you live in an area where you have domestic partnership protections, but you haven’t registered as a domestic partner, you will especially want to learn more about what it means to protect yourself and your relationship.

You’d be surprised to learn the various legal ‘vulnerabilities’ that exist for unmarried couples.  And, even if you are currently single, you’ll want to learn more now so that you are prepared later when you are in a relationship!

I’ve got a great way for you to get started!  Recently in my web and business travels, I met, and am building a closer working relationship with, a smart gal by the name of Lindalisa Severo. Lindalisa is passionate about the topic of GLBT legal rights and, out of that passion has created a website specifically focusing on the legal needs of gay and lesbian singles and couples called LegalOUT.

Lindalisa also produces a newsletter you’ll want to sign up for, because, in it, she publishes some very practical articles on increasing your awareness as to common legal issues you will come across as you live your life as a gay or lesbian person or couple.

For example, in this month’s newsletter, Lindalisa addresses advanced legal planning in an article about a woman by the name of Joy. Joy learned the hard way what happens when you don’t plan ahead legally.

Click here to go now to LegalOUT’s website.

Click here now to read LegalOUT’s blog.

Okay, so now you can go out tomorrow and enjoy some wine and roses!

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

Speaking of which, I’ll be leading this coming Thursday’s show.  Donna has some important activist work to do that she’d committed to before I changed our podcast day and time.  Donna will be back for our 2/18 show.

I hope you’ll join me on the live call.  It’ll be our Valentine’s Show.  I’ll be dishing tips for singles (Valentines is often a challenging time for singles) and couples and talking about the other great holiday the GLBT community celebrates during Valentine’s – Freedom to Marry Week.

Cindy McCain has joined her daughter Meghan McCain (who has been outspoken in her support of same sex marriage) in speaking up against hate (and possibly gay marriage) by posing for one of those Adam Brouska No H8 photo shoots.  Meghan also posed for No H8 late last year.

Way to go Cindy!  Of course republicans are up in arms, including her husband John McCain’s office, which has put out a statement supporting Cindy’s ‘right’ to think differently and reiterating John’s support of marriage between a man and a woman only!  And, I hear that another, more conservative republican who is planning to run against McCain during the next election is already using this event to drum up support against the re-election of McCain.

Well, leave it to the ladies to evolve us forward…AGAIN!  

Sorry guys,  I may be a lesbian but I’m not a man hater.  I just state what I observe…

I didn’t want this news to go un-mentioned because, as we are learning, more and more each day, there are many different types of republicans, democrats and, independents!  It’s not enough to ‘pigeon hole’ everyone in a party.  Thankfully.

I would say that, given Cindy’s place in the cosmos, this was a ‘well thought out’ decision on her part.   Makes me wonder if John knew beforehand!

My sense is that Cindy McCain’s move is one more piece of the big hate iceberg, breaking off and melting away…

So thank you Cindy!  It’s unclear yet what impact her decision will make.  Probably not that big of a help, but, hey, we’ll take it.  What does Cindy’s action show? That even those with a more ‘conservative’ bent are open to changing (or, perhaps they’ve felt this way all along and are speaking up more as they sense growing support of equal rights for all Americans).

Hear Barb Elgin Via Free Download Below – Talking with Rick Barber About California’s Prop 8 Trial on News Radio in Denver, Colorado

Speaking of Prop 8 – yours truly completed an interview this morning with Rick Barber in the Denver, Colorado area on Newsradio 850 KOA!  I’ve been tapped twice this week (Denver) and Vero Beach, Florida (on the Rhett Palmer Show) to talk about the Prop 8 trial in California and same sex marriage.

Click here to listen to my interview with the irreverent, very learned and dry witted Rick Barber.   I loved listening to Rick’s command of comedy and history.  Not bad for 5am!  

I’m still hoping to get a copy of my interview with Rhett.

Have a great ‘hump’ day!

Barb Elgin

Photo:  AP/Adam Brouska

By Barb Elgin, LCSW

I’m deeply honored and happy to announce that Janice Langbehn, one of the GLBT community’s biggest ’sheroes’ will appear on my podcast

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

on Tuesday evening 10/27/09 at 6:30p ET.

Janice’s story has been in the national spotlight recently as well as much of the last two or so years since her life took a dramatic turn.

In 2007 Janice’s partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, died suddenly and unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm, while they were getting ready to enjoy a family vacation together.  Janice and Lisa probably treasured the vision of that vacation more than most; over the years they’d been amazing foster parents of over 25 children!

As if Lisa’s death wasn’t painful enough, the way Janice was treated in the hospital during Lisa’s final hours was unthinkable.  I can promise you the details will anger you.

And, recently, Janice was treated wrongly again when she learned her lawsuit against the Florida hospital that mistreated her was thrown out of court. We are amazed by Janice and we can’t wait to talk to her to learn more about her life today, her loving family and to find out what’s next for her.

Donna and I are humbled that Janice has chosen to share with us personal information about her life and the details of her own tragedy.  I am certain that Janice’s continuing sacrifice is part of the fabric of gradually changing hearts and minds and leading society closer to full rights and equality for gay and lesbian couples.

Please come to the live show, meet Janice, ask her questions and give her support. We’re giving this show a full hour to be sure we have enough time.  If you are already a podcast subscriber, look for attendance details to arrive in your email inbox soon.  If you aren’t yet a podcast subscriber, click here to sign up.  It’s free!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out?  Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Your presence is often the best present.
- Quote on a piece of Dove chocolate I ate today

Now that we are past Labor Day and, in fact, living the day of 9/9/09, I just have to ask you…

Will you take time today, with all the hustle ‘n bustle (hehehe – I know silly ol’ saying), to enjoy the present? Yes it sounds so trite, however, I am just reminding you that you always have a choice to slow down and savor whatever it is you are doing, anytime YOU choose today.

When you do, notice what you ‘love’ about that moment.  And, make note of it.  Are you enjoying as many ‘presents’ as you can?  Are you enjoying what you are doing and, choosing to do more of what you enjoy?

I’m sitting here looking at a link an activist sent me this morning about one of those Christian ‘anti-gay’ movies that is making the rounds.  One of those ’so-called well intentioned, but mean-spirited campaigns that spread misinformation and hate’?  I thought about blogging on it and then, I thought, ‘You know what.  I’m not going to give it any mind.’

You might say, ‘Well Barb, that’s cold.’  Maybe it is.  But, I get tired sometimes, of fighting the wars.  Call me a (young) baby boomer hippie, but I’d rather ‘make love’. (Does Dove = Love???)  

See, I DO believe that what we focus on grows.  Even that yucky stuff.  So, often, when I decide what to share with readers (if it’s wise to share anything at all!), I am careful not to inject more negativity into their lives, unless I think the benefit outweighs the risks.  Many of us carry around enough fear, anger and other negative feelings already, don’t we?  Most of us already focus way too much on the negative, wouldn’t you agree?

I SO appreciate those individuals, like this activist, who have committed to fighting the wars.  Take, for example, the movement for marriage equality.  We need more to jump in and help out.  In fact, many are too apathetic.

But you can choose which part of the marriage equality ‘fight’ to put your energies into.  In today’s internet-connected world there is no shortage of ways you can get involved.  Seek and ye shall find.

Or, here is a simpler way: just be your ‘real’ self in your world.  If you are part of a gay or lesbian couple, don’t hide it.  If you are single, let family and friends know that and let them know you would like them to help you find compatible women to date.  Yes!  Change begins at home. Present yourself (ha!  there’s that word again!) at family and friend events just like any other couple.  You don’t have to ‘come out’ to anyone; just BE out.

In the straight world, word of mouth is still the #1 way people find their future spouse or life partner.  Why shouldn’t you have the advantage of having those who ‘know you well’ search for you?

If you aren’t ready to be this open and honest with family, be more open with others in the gay community about your relationship or single status.  More gay and lesbian couples need to support those gay couples organizations that exist and/or march in a pride parade, like those couples did at St. Pete Pride this year, carrying signs proudly displaying how long they’d been together.

And, perhaps single lesbians need support more than anyone.  Single lesbians are a minority in our community and, they often feel ‘left out’ and alone.   That’s one of the major reasons I formed the online community called Lez Rendezvous, which is a healthy, supportive social club for single lesbians, that blends fun, education and support.

Here’s the secret of ‘Lez Rez’s’ success – women who value deeply satisfying, lasting relationships are attracted to this community – so, if you share that value, what a great place to meet your soul mate! 

If you are thinking that finding spiritual support would help you and/or your relationship (and often, it can), find a gay or gay-friendly spiritual community you can attend that values finding, growing and nurturing gay and lesbian relationships.  Or, if you are the member of a church, speak up if they don’t have specific support for lesbian singles or lesbian couples.  Singles particularly, are often overlooked.

The options are endless.  For example, couples can join a social and educational community such as Lez Be Together, where the focus is connecting lesbian couples who share the value of deeply satisfying, lasting relationships.

So, again – I’ve chosen, consciously, to ignore the junky ‘anti-me’ stuff floating around out there.  Just because it’s there, that doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to it.  Garbage in, garbage out.  Be forewarned: if you choose to watch or read anti-gay materials, be prepared to be upset.  I used to give this sort of ‘trash’ too much of my attention, mostly because I was trying to understand the mind of those who judge me without even knowing me.

I know words like garbage and trash evoke strong, negative feelings and images.  I think it’s time we think of the anti-gay messages we hear with such strong, visceral, negativity.  This is one time when I think negativity is good.   The issue of GLBT equality is not one where we need to ‘negotiate’ some compromise.  My life and my equal rights (you know, not special rights, but the normal ones straight individuals take for granted) are NOT negotiable.

So, now you know why I no longer choose to fill my mind with that sort of clutter.  I’m too busy filling my ‘presents’ with living authentically and being positive.  I’m too busy living a good life being myself and changing hearts and minds that way.  Believe me it’s way easier.

We all have a part.  When you need a break from being the warrior, try being the lover for awhile.  And, if you haven’t fought yet, try that for awhile.  It’s all good…

Just remember you need to find your ‘center’ or balance, meaning, a well-tuned guitar is ’strung just right’, so that it can make beautiful music.  Strung too tight, strings break, and not strung tight enough you can’t play your song either.

For example, in today’s world and the way I’m playing in it, I get strung too tight sometimes.  My problem is not ‘too little stress’ (which IS a problem by the way), it’s too much.  Being overly engaged in life is not all bad: after all, if individuals don’t passionately engage in life, expressing their gifts, we’d have a much less interesting world, wouldn’t we?

However, again, it’s the ‘balance’ that’s key, particularly in today’s business world and, most definitely in personal relating:  I know when I slow down and calm myself, I am more pleasing to myself and, I think most would agree my presence is more of a present!

How about you?

One last note: Donna Tara Lee and I just recorded our second ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ show last night.  If you’d like your free copy, be sure to sign up for Coach Sappho’s podcast.

Donna and I are having a blast.  In fact, we’ve decided to extend the show 15 more minutes, as we find we have too much to share to limit the show to 30 minutes.  Our next show is September 22nd.  Hope to see you there – listeners can listen on the web, call in or chat as well during the live show, which runs from 6:30p-7:15p ET.  Later on, podcast subscribers can pick up recorded copies of all our shows.

Have a wonderful rest of the week,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.