I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

The story of the rainbow flag.   Have you ever sat back and wondered:

• Where did the rainbow flag come from?
• Who created the rainbow flag?

I know I never really thought about it, but, there is a really cool, TRUE story about the rainbow flag’s birth, it’s creator, the events surrounding it’s creation, etc.

The rainbow flag’s creator is a man named Gilbert Baker and you’re going to love this seven minute video explaining it all.  Do yourself a favor and watch the gay ‘Betsy Ross’ as he tells the story…

We agree today’s show was one of our best (so far)!  Please feel free to listen and forward the link to anyone you wish.

We talked about the varieties of disapproval GLBT’s face, why people become anti-gay (it’s not them it’s their beliefs) and we talked a great deal about how to address this issue if it presents itself in your life.

We also touched on the serious issue of suicide and the holidays.  I offered a great resource called the Suicide Prevention Hot Line at 1-800-723-TALK.

Click here to listen now.

Your presence is often the best present.
- Quote on a piece of Dove chocolate I ate today

Now that we are past Labor Day and, in fact, living the day of 9/9/09, I just have to ask you…

Will you take time today, with all the hustle ‘n bustle (hehehe – I know silly ol’ saying), to enjoy the present? Yes it sounds so trite, however, I am just reminding you that you always have a choice to slow down and savor whatever it is you are doing, anytime YOU choose today.

When you do, notice what you ‘love’ about that moment.  And, make note of it.  Are you enjoying as many ‘presents’ as you can?  Are you enjoying what you are doing and, choosing to do more of what you enjoy?

I’m sitting here looking at a link an activist sent me this morning about one of those Christian ‘anti-gay’ movies that is making the rounds.  One of those ‘so-called well intentioned, but mean-spirited campaigns that spread misinformation and hate’?  I thought about blogging on it and then, I thought, ‘You know what.  I’m not going to give it any mind.’

You might say, ‘Well Barb, that’s cold.’  Maybe it is.  But, I get tired sometimes, of fighting the wars.  Call me a (young) baby boomer hippie, but I’d rather ‘make love’. (Does Dove = Love???)  

See, I DO believe that what we focus on grows.  Even that yucky stuff.  So, often, when I decide what to share with readers (if it’s wise to share anything at all!), I am careful not to inject more negativity into their lives, unless I think the benefit outweighs the risks.  Many of us carry around enough fear, anger and other negative feelings already, don’t we?  Most of us already focus way too much on the negative, wouldn’t you agree?

I SO appreciate those individuals, like this activist, who have committed to fighting the wars.  Take, for example, the movement for marriage equality.  We need more to jump in and help out.  In fact, many are too apathetic.

But you can choose which part of the marriage equality ‘fight’ to put your energies into.  In today’s internet-connected world there is no shortage of ways you can get involved.  Seek and ye shall find.

Or, here is a simpler way: just be your ‘real’ self in your world.  If you are part of a gay or lesbian couple, don’t hide it.  If you are single, let family and friends know that and let them know you would like them to help you find compatible women to date.  Yes!  Change begins at home. Present yourself (ha!  there’s that word again!) at family and friend events just like any other couple.  You don’t have to ‘come out’ to anyone; just BE out.

In the straight world, word of mouth is still the #1 way people find their future spouse or life partner.  Why shouldn’t you have the advantage of having those who ‘know you well’ search for you?

If you aren’t ready to be this open and honest with family, be more open with others in the gay community about your relationship or single status.  More gay and lesbian couples need to support those gay couples organizations that exist and/or march in a pride parade, like those couples did at St. Pete Pride this year, carrying signs proudly displaying how long they’d been together.

And, perhaps single lesbians need support more than anyone.  Single lesbians are a minority in our community and, they often feel ‘left out’ and alone.   That’s one of the major reasons I formed the online community called Lez Rendezvous, which is a healthy, supportive social club for single lesbians, that blends fun, education and support.

Here’s the secret of ‘Lez Rez’s’ success – women who value deeply satisfying, lasting relationships are attracted to this community – so, if you share that value, what a great place to meet your soul mate! 

If you are thinking that finding spiritual support would help you and/or your relationship (and often, it can), find a gay or gay-friendly spiritual community you can attend that values finding, growing and nurturing gay and lesbian relationships.  Or, if you are the member of a church, speak up if they don’t have specific support for lesbian singles or lesbian couples.  Singles particularly, are often overlooked.

The options are endless.  For example, couples can join a social and educational community such as Lez Be Together, where the focus is connecting lesbian couples who share the value of deeply satisfying, lasting relationships.

So, again – I’ve chosen, consciously, to ignore the junky ‘anti-me’ stuff floating around out there.  Just because it’s there, that doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to it.  Garbage in, garbage out.  Be forewarned: if you choose to watch or read anti-gay materials, be prepared to be upset.  I used to give this sort of ‘trash’ too much of my attention, mostly because I was trying to understand the mind of those who judge me without even knowing me.

I know words like garbage and trash evoke strong, negative feelings and images.  I think it’s time we think of the anti-gay messages we hear with such strong, visceral, negativity.  This is one time when I think negativity is good.   The issue of GLBT equality is not one where we need to ‘negotiate’ some compromise.  My life and my equal rights (you know, not special rights, but the normal ones straight individuals take for granted) are NOT negotiable.

So, now you know why I no longer choose to fill my mind with that sort of clutter.  I’m too busy filling my ‘presents’ with living authentically and being positive.  I’m too busy living a good life being myself and changing hearts and minds that way.  Believe me it’s way easier.

We all have a part.  When you need a break from being the warrior, try being the lover for awhile.  And, if you haven’t fought yet, try that for awhile.  It’s all good…

Just remember you need to find your ‘center’ or balance, meaning, a well-tuned guitar is ‘strung just right’, so that it can make beautiful music.  Strung too tight, strings break, and not strung tight enough you can’t play your song either.

For example, in today’s world and the way I’m playing in it, I get strung too tight sometimes.  My problem is not ‘too little stress’ (which IS a problem by the way), it’s too much.  Being overly engaged in life is not all bad: after all, if individuals don’t passionately engage in life, expressing their gifts, we’d have a much less interesting world, wouldn’t we?

However, again, it’s the ‘balance’ that’s key, particularly in today’s business world and, most definitely in personal relating:  I know when I slow down and calm myself, I am more pleasing to myself and, I think most would agree my presence is more of a present!

How about you?

One last note: Donna Tara Lee and I just recorded our second ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ show last night.  If you’d like your free copy, be sure to sign up for Coach Sappho’s podcast.

Donna and I are having a blast.  In fact, we’ve decided to extend the show 15 more minutes, as we find we have too much to share to limit the show to 30 minutes.  Our next show is September 22nd.  Hope to see you there – listeners can listen on the web, call in or chat as well during the live show, which runs from 6:30p-7:15p ET.  Later on, podcast subscribers can pick up recorded copies of all our shows.

Have a wonderful rest of the week,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

As usual, Obama was a masterful speaker.  He stated his case for what his administration has already done for GLBT’s since taking office.  I only hope that Obama can continue to follow his words with more actions, as he promised yesterday with his words…

Certainly while we are frustrated and want to see bigger gains, we must look at what we can be thankful for, in terms of Obama’s stated respect for our community as compared to previous presidents and, obviously, we are much better off in terms of ‘promise’ as compared to what we would have had with a republican president.  For example, we probably wouldn’t have seen this type of reception if John McCain were president.

By the way, if you want to watch the official White House video and get a transcript of Obama’s speech, you can do so by clicking here.

I’m pleased to announce that we have several lucky winners (I’ve listed their first names only here) who will take home prizes from Coach Sappho as a result of visiting our booth at Daytona Beach Pride and playing our pride contest!

As a matter of fact, I’ve made the ‘executive decision’ that EVERYONE who played in the raffle will win something!!!  So, if you stopped by Coach Sappho’s booth, be sure to look for your first name below and, expect an email or call from me soon to award you YOUR prize!

Again, I want to thank the following Daytona Beach-area gay and gay-friendly businesses who donated these wonderful prizes.  I am in the process of notifying winners and businesses right now:

• Kathy won a two night stay at The August Seven Inn luxury guesthouse (estimated value – $350 – donated by owner/operator Peter Williamson)
• Cecily won a  ‘just in time’ Coach Sappho coaching package for one (estimated value $200 – donated by Barb Elgin)
• Joan won a $50 gift card for a massage (donated by Greg at New Age Touch Therapy Practice)
• Taz, Noel and Marla each won a $50 each gift certificate (total value $150 – donated by the Fantasy Shoppe Bookstore)
• Eileen won a wine tasting for 10 by Designing Wine in Deland (value – $50)
• Elizabeth won a $25 gift certificate from John’s ‘Stress Free’ Dog Grooming Shop in Holly Hills
• Christi won a dinner for two at the Daytona Beach Clubhouse Restaurant (value – $20)
• Amy, Maria, Liz, Ansley, DeAnna, Annette, Claudette, and Marvel each win their choice of a dating or relatonship book (donated by Barb Elgin/Coach Sappho – value – $10-15)

I want to thank everyone again who participated.  We had a lot of fun with the raffle and Daytona hosted me well, both at the ‘Just Us’ dinner by Dee at The Aquarium Saturday night and at Daytona Pride Festival the next day!

TOLERANCE OF ONE’S LESBIANISM

Tolerance is a stage most gays and lesbians also go through.  When you tolerate something you are acknowledging it (versus denying it).  However, all of us know the feeling of ‘tolerating’ something.  It’s not usually fun, and the attitude is akin to ‘grinning and bearing something’ or ‘putting up with someone or something unpleasant’.

Kind of like the friends and/or family members who choose, after many years of knowing the ‘truth’ about us, to continue to say they aren’t happy with our ‘chosen lifestyle’. People who tolerate us may let us bring our partners to family events and, they may even become fond of our partners.

However, it is less likely they will openly acknowledge our partners fully as our ‘spouses’ and they most likely do not view our love relationships as equal to theirs. As far as your own belief about yourself at this stage, it’s not so hot.  When you merely tolerate who you are, you are more prone to accepting negative treatment by others, you may still be hiding your gayness to co-workers, close friends and family, etc.  And, romantically-speaking, because you aren’t feeling a high degree of self esteem, you tend to attract relationships where you are ‘in hiding’, or that are unsatisfying and/or don’t last.

Why do you (and others) do these things?

Because the stage of tolerance still has degrees of denial and shame within it along with a greater degree of ‘lack of awareness’ of who you are and what you want. Then again, if you find yourself (or you find friends and family here), tolerance is infinitely better than it’s opposites: rejection and intolerance.  In fact, if you ask me tolerance and intolerance aren’t that far apart.

ACCEPTANCE OF ONE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION

At some point, thankfully, for many of us, we come to accept being gay.  Perhaps we grow a bit older and wiser or we grow tired of the hiding or minimizing.  We decide the ‘costs’ of not living more fully are too high.  No longer denying or tolerating ourselves, we poke a truer self out into the world.  Now, we may still stay ‘in the closet’ in places and with people we aren’t completely sure will accept us, however, less and less we care what others think about us.

Getting to this stage in the celebration process is indeed a relief.  In the dictionary, acceptance for our purposes is defined as approval or being ‘well received’.  Sounds good, right?  So why isn’t acceptance enough?  Some of us think this is the ‘end goal’, but, in reality acceptance is merely the beginning of really living!  Yes, there are even better days ahead, if we are willing to stretch ourselves a bit more.

CELEBRATING BEING A LESBIAN

When I explain the difference between accepting oneself and celebrating oneself, most of my clients get very excited.  My favorite dictionary definitions for celebration are…

• observing with respect and festivity
• praising or extolling
• to make widely known through display

Now do you see (and feel) the difference between acceptance and celebration?

Wow, while acceptance is, what I would call the ‘Jr.’ version of ‘having it all’, celebration is truly ‘having it all’ in my book. The thought of actually celebrating oneself, like one does on their birthday or when enjoying a great achievement sounds very cool.  Then, for some, fear creeps in.

How in the world, many ask, can I feel this good?  Is it possible?  Is it realistic? Yes, actually living from a space of celebration about who you are is realistic and very do-able.  You do have to be willing to let go of your fears of how others will receive you.  However, the rewards are great.  Consider feeling, for the first time, that you are just another variation on the theme of life and love?  No better than anyone else, but equal to your heterosexual parents, siblings, friends, etc.

Consider also feeling, for the first time, that being gay or lesbian is natural, normal and, even, wonderful!  Like straight people always assume they are. For those of you who ARE psychologically impacted by your environment (and all of us are to some degree), surveys of course have their limits, but one I noticed recently might give you hope and raise your ability to celebrate yourself for being GLBT.  That’s right – a recent (October 2008) Harris Interactive Poll found that

“…nearly nine out of 10 (87%) heterosexuals said that if someone were to come out to them as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it would have a positive or no impact on how they would view gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. The survey also revealed that two out of three (67%) heterosexual adults agree that if someone they knew is gay or lesbian, they’d want that individual to be open and honest with them about it, rather than feel the need to hide who he or she really is.”

Wow!  I know that poll instilled more hope in me.  How about you?  Be sure to read details of the poll here.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CELEBRATION AND DEEPLY SATISFYING, LASTING LOVE: Why isn’t acceptance or, even, tolerance enough?

I began this two part post talking about the concept of readiness and how celebrating one’s sexuality and deeply satisfying, lasting love goes hand-in-hand.  Just how so?  Here are some of my thoughts on why getting to the stage of celebrating your sexuality will help you on your journey of love…

• The more you celebrate your sexuality, the better you feel about yourself.  Any remnants of shame ‘fall way’.
• The better you feel about yourself, the less you ‘tolerate’ a life that isn’t brilliantly full.
• The less you tolerate a life that isn’t brilliantly full, the more exciting and purposeful a life you envision.
• The grander the life vision you pursue, the more excited you become about fulfilling your purpose in this lifetime.
• The more excited and into your life vision you become, the more you love you and your life.
• The more you fall in love with yourself and your life, the more attractive you become in the world.
• The more attractive you become in the world, the more you attract others to you and, if you are in a relationship, the more attractive you are to your partner.

If you are coupled, living a celebratory life, you are able to sustain, even when times are tough, an attitude of graciousness and hope.  You choose to see what is positive about yourself and your partner if you are coupled.  You choose to celebrate all that is the two of you.  The beautiful things you’ve created together.  Despite the hard moments, you appreciate and relish how one + one =’s more than two!

If you are single, you choose to stay busy, creating a life YOU love, whether or not another person has as of yet appeared to build an amazing future together with, because you trust in time that will occur.

Single or coupled, when you celebrate who you are, you think enough of yourself to fill your life with activities and people who celebrate who you are along with you! I don’t know about you but I’ll choose celebration over acceptance any day!  How about you???

I just want to say…

Thank you – Ad Council, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network), Hilary Duff and Wanda Sykes for standing up for me!

It’s really nice to see some of my allies ‘come out’ in such a positive way.  It’s often a challenge for many gays and lesbians to speak up in public settings.  It’s particularly difficult for teenagers who know a gay person or gay teens to speak up when they hear their friends and school mates utter words like ‘that’s so gay’ when they are putting something or someone down.

Be sure to check out the campaign’s website now: thinkb4youspeak.com – and spread the word!

I tuned in just in time to catch her third interview during today’s show, with John Amaechi, the retired NBA player who is the first known pro basketball player to come out.  John is from England, but now calls America home.

On top of being well spoken, charming, uber-masculine and, oh, what a british accent, I found out that John is also a psychologist!  He actively challenges the stereotype that brawny athletes lack brains…not!

In fact, you should know that, when he heard about his fellow player Tim Hardaway’s homophobic remarks about gays and John on the Don Imus show, John says he had two reactions:

“Initially, I had to laugh – why would anyone be so stupid to speak this way in public?”

but then, in his charming, caring and brilliant way he turned this hideous incident into gold by saying

“I’m so glad Tim said what he did because I get tired of trying to convince people that this sort of thing goes on.”

But perhaps the most refreshing part of experiencing John on the Oprah Show today concerned his obvious authenticity.  John embodies WHOLENESS in a truly ‘authentically loving’ way.  Very refreshing, this man…

Of course, John has written a book about his life so far, including his experiences living ‘in the closet’ during his playing career, called

Man in the Middle

I highly encourage you to get this book and read it!  Not enough of us have.

I know we’re going to hear lots more from this guy… 

So, here goes…

Why is it that my human rights are subject to endless public and/or political debate?  Why are my rights ‘up for grabs’ or ‘needing to be negotiated’ rather than ‘inalienable’ or ‘assured’?  After all, straight folks don’t have to go through all this crap.  Why in the world does someone outside myself have power over my PRIVATE thoughts, feelings and decisions when it comes to who I love, and how I express my love towards that person?  Why is it that no one seems to care about the many ‘costs’ associated with denying me my private right as a citizen of the United States to create the love life I desire?

If you are straight, just imagine for a moment, what it would be like to live in a world where people discuss your right to be, to love who you want, to work where you want and be your self, etc.  Even worse, imagine a world where people dictate to me who I can love and prevent me from openly doing so?  Can you imagine what it would be like to fear walking down the street holding your spouse’s hand because you know if you did you might be mocked, beaten up or even killed???  Welcome to my reality and the reality of all GLBT Americans.

If you are straight, imagine what it is like to have to lie about who you are, when you profess to be a truthteller?

Welcome to my world!

Now, some of you might be saying: well, we get to tell you who you are and how you can live your life because sexual orientation is chosen, unlike other minority statuses such as gender, ethnicity, age, etc.

I beg to differ.  We really DON’T know, FOR SURE if sexual orientation is something people choose or, have control over.  Even if studies show that sexual orientation, to some degree, is the result of environment, that still doesn’t prove that a person has control over their sexual feelings and/or who they fall in love with/are attracted to.

There are many studies coming out (and being done) right now that seem to indicate that a person’s sexual orientation is a very complex part of who someone is.  Thankfully, I doubt we’ll ever be able to absolutely control for sexual orientation.  Thank the goddess or god and goddess or gods and goddesses for that!!! 

We humans may be smart but thankfully we’re not THAT smart!

Studies are showing some very strong evidence that sexual orientation is largely NOT CONSCIOUSLY CHOSEN.  Many credible studies are showing strong PRE-NATAL influences, meaning, if anything, we need to blame mom (or the parents)!!!  Just kidding…

Why is it that people get their panties in a wad about that reality? 

And, if you believe in a literal translation of some religious text, just know that not everyone does so and, we live in a country that separates religious belief and practices from individual civil rights (and it should separate religious beliefs from the rights of two individuals who love each other to form a bond that protects them from the vicissitudes of life). 

Also – we could get into a great discussion some day on the ‘infallibility’ of your religious text.  But, regardless, I respect your right to practice your spirituality as you wish.  But that doesn’t give you the civil right to deny me my equal rights because of your religious beliefs.

There are lots of christians who believe gayness is a natural and normal variation on the human race.  If you are someone who used to believe all gays were sick or going to hell and you’ve changed your opinion on that, I’d love to hear from you.

We need to continue the dialogue, overcome lack of information, etc. and share with the world how you can come to believe that it’s okay to be gay and that the biggest tragedy is in denying gay people their right to pursue happiness as everyone else.

I’d love to hear from you if you’ve come to understand…