Success is great. But what truly matters in life is how you treat people.
- Chris Evert 3/3/07 Women’s Leadership Forum, Texas A&M University
Wow, now there’s a quote that fits perfectly my message for you today. I caught retired tennis great Chrissy Evert sharing this wisdom the other night on C-Span in the wee hours of the morning. I was watching a recorded version of her appearance on a panel that former president George Bush put together, showcasing the success of women in the workplace.
Former President Bush’s panel consisted of a female astronaut, Chris Evert, actress Teri Hatcher and attorney Harriet Mier, who, if her name sounds familiar, is a former member of the current president’s staff and one of President Bush’s nominees for the Supreme Court (you know, the one that he later retracted!). I highly recommend you check out the program if you can catch it, I think it was only an hour long.
Chris’ quote reminds me of that quote we’ve all heard that is called THE GOLDEN RULE. You know, the one that says ‘do unto others as you would have them do to you’?
But, today, I want you to really ask yourself:
Does the golden rule really work in your life? Does it really work to treat others the way you want to be treated????
I encourage you to try this ‘rule’ out or, better yet, reflect on your life and your relationships and see if you’ve been living by the rule and, if so, how’s it working for you!?! I know that in the past when I’ve applied the golden rule in my interactions with important others, personally and professionally, I’ve often found friction instead of something like ‘golden honey’.
How about you? When I’ve used the golden rule in my romantic relationships, I’ve failed to develop sustainable, deeply satisfying interactions with my partners. In fact, the response I usually got from a partner was resistance or the ‘you’re too selfish’ argument! That’s right! So, are we really as much about ‘pleasing others’ as we are accused of, as women? I would argue that, if we are walking around, treating others how we think they want to be treated, BASED ON HOW WE WANT TO BE TREATED, we’re going to find more pain than paradise.
Professionally, when I’ve gone into work situations, when serving customers, clients or supervisors, the golden rule hasn’t always helped much either. As a coach or therapist, if I treat my clients based on what I think they want, need or require, the relationship has suffered.
So, folks, if the golden rule ain’t so ‘golden’ after all, what DOES work when it comes to creating and sustaining relationships that last, that are authentic, and that are full of the types of positive experiences you desire?
Introducing the PLATINUM RULE
I have noticed that the THE PLATINUM RULE seems to be more ‘real’ in the world. What I mean by that is that the Platinum Rule rules, it seems, whether we want it to or not! The Platinum Rule goes like this…
Do unto others as they want done to them! Meditate on that one…
Oh my god, you say! The world is going to go to pieces if I give others what they want all the time! Or, you fear ‘if I treat him or her how he or she really wants to be treated they’ll take advantage of me or worse, I’ll never get what I want.’ Or, ‘it’s not fair, it feels, that what seems to work better anytime we are interacting with someone we care about is ‘seeking first to understand, then to be understood’.
Notice that the Platinum Rule doesn’t say anything, really, about doing what you don’t want to do or doing something that isn’t good for you. In fact, The Platinum Rule is more about setting a helpful context or a ‘safer’ environment through your words, that allows a relationship to thrive. That’s all. It’s HUGE actually!
For example, when I coach couples, I teach each partner Platinum Relating is similar to…
- building a bridge
- going from ‘I’ to ‘We’
- creating a third way that didn’t exist before
- learning or improving our communication
The Platinum Rule is great because it’s very flexible. It applies across relationships. For example, take parenting a child. While you may set non-negotiable expectations in terms of their behavior, you can always treat your child with respect by how you handle difficult incidents, conversations, setting of rules, etc. Find out how your child defines ‘respect’ and, start treating them that way. And, despite your doubts, respect to a child doesn’t mean giving them everything they want…trust me…In fact, you might just find him or her giving you more of what YOU want, more often, in the process!
The Platinum Rule Begins with YOU!
I will even take this a step further (or shall I say, what needs to come even BEFORE you grace others with The Platinum Rule), and say that succeeding at practicing the Platinum Rule begins by treating yourself to the Platinum Rule. That’s right! And, just what do I mean?
It means beginning every day giving yourself a dose of the Platinum Rule. And remembering a frequent dosing schedule throughout the day! Treat yourself like YOU want to be treated (versus worrying about what the world says is important). You say that’s impossible because you work in a department where they frown on you for taking the break you are legally entitled to take? I say, ‘push back’ in little such ways as taking that break anyway. Your health will thank you and you’ll be setting a ‘kindler, gentler’ standard that others, even leaders, may begin to follow. The Platinum Rule can be contagious watch out! Interestingly, it seems that people can’t share the rule with others unless they’ve got some in their Platinum Rule ‘bank account’, if you will…Just like the mothers on the plane who are told to put on the oxygen mask first before worrying about saving their children.
Giving yourself the Platinum Rule means listening to your mind, body and spirit and acknowledging what you are feeling, thinking, etc. It doesn’t mean becoming ‘self-centered’ or a ‘glutton’ (every Puritan’s greatest fear!), it just means being in communication with yourself and listening to what is going on inside yourself. And it means responding to what’s going on with behaviors that seek to answer whatever you are communicating to yourself.
For example, how often does your body say ‘give me more sleep’ but you ignore it and instead keep going? How often does your heart and soul long for a ‘break’ from your usual routine, but you choose to ignore it and not tell your partner what you are sensing?
It’s about getting real and, authentic! And, because I am very spiritual in my own unique way, I believe you are here for a bigger purpose than the obvious ones and you need to prepare yourself for achieving those big goals you came here to achieve!
Authenticity and Shakespeare: We’re in Great Company
Now, a great discussion ensued the other day, when I mentioned to a client that ‘authenticity is overrated’. Now, what in the heck do I mean?
Her concern was in preserving her perceived ‘authenticity’ given that she’d decided it wasn’t ‘safe’ to come out to a supervisor at work. We’d already explored all of the pros and cons of doing so and she’d determined it was still unclear if it was advantageous to her to ‘come out’ to this supervisor right now, who, by the way, is also a friend. So, we left it that we’re going to continue the discussion next time by exploring the analogy of how a cell sustains life, but just let me say that survival (and survival must be in place in order for us to thrive), sometimes precludes us being completely honest and open with others sometimes. Getting your life going in a more authentic direction takes time and it’s a unique process for everyone! In fact, I’m truly amazed how much more authentically this client is living than when she first started coaching with me.
In fact, I think Shakespeare ‘got it’: We are truly always ‘on the stage’ with others. We don’t have to stress out about that, however, we need to be mindful that our behaviors (and that includes words), effect others very powerfully. Perhaps the essence of true authenticity is honesty, but with class or as one of my colleagues Souldancer calls it, with style and grace! Afterall, if we were to take a literal interpretation of the word to heart, we’d probably be blurting out whatever we felt or thought before thinking it through, thus proverbally beating everyone over the head all the time with brute honesty, which I define as saying something that will obviously hurt the feelings of someone else, before stopping to think of how best to express your ‘truth’ about something! And, how do I define best in this context? Best would be, taking into consideration the other party(ies). Crafting a response that will hopefully preserve the relationship, resolve whatever is at issue and, perhaps even IMPROVE the relationship! So, you see, it’s not about honesty in general, but how to express honesty or ‘your truth’, isn’t it???
I hope you’ll post to the blog and tell me what you think about the PLATINUM RULE…How do you define it and how do you know you are practicing it in your relationships with others? How would you define how you want to be treated to those who are most important to you in your life? And, then, how will you go about getting more of those needs, wants and requirements met? I suspect it begins with the Platinum Rule… 
Have a great week!
Barb Elgin
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
