As we approach Valentine’s Day, I am reminded that it’s not all ‘wine and roses’.

Particularly if you are a gay or lesbian couple who doesn’t have the benefit of legal marriage, or, if you live in an area where you have domestic partnership protections, but you haven’t registered as a domestic partner, you will especially want to learn more about what it means to protect yourself and your relationship.

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If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ve probably seen me referring to the lesbian dating scene as a jungle.  Now, I’m not being negative or trying to stereotype lesbians.  The truth is, no matter what your sexual orientation is, when you are single and you say you are tired of relationships that don’t last and ‘this time’ you’re going to find the partner you’ll spend the rest of your life with, it helps to know what is going on inside (and around) you, so you understand what to expect as you go through time with a partner.

Perhaps you’ve never realized it before, but did you know there are some very powerful chemicals in your brain that can ‘control you’, if you let them, when it comes to romance?  I am talking to you in this way because I think it’s very important to add some realism to balance these strong emotions, which always come with romance.

What is so helpful about having a love coach comes into play here: You need someone who is going to ‘be your head’ right now.  When it comes to love and partner selection, most of us are way too emotional.  Well, you say, why can’t I just rely on the opinion of good friends or family members?  Because they too are ‘too close to’ your situation to not have an agenda or two.  A love coach has no ulterior motive.

It’s a well known, researched fact that new, or young, love, is a very powerful experience, one that actually creates for some of us, a type of ‘temporary insanity’.

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Greg Halpen, TheGayGuysLoveCoach

I had a blast last night talking with Greg Halpen on Blogtalkradio’s TheGayGuysLoveCoach.  Thank you to Greg for inviting me onto the show and for being such a tremendous host.

Greg and I covered several ‘juicy’ areas during our discussion.  We even had a wedding planner call in to discuss how to handle couples who get ‘testy’ during the wedding preparations process.

Be sure you click here to listen in, the show lasted approximately 30 minutes.  You can listen via streaming and you can download a copy of the show via mp3 as well.

BTW, Greg and I are cooking up an event for the single gals and guys in New York City later this summer, so, be on the lookout for more information to come soon!

“Whatever the tactical considerations, the absence of gay couples and gay marriages from California’s gay-marriage debate makes for an oddly hollow discussion. It leaves voters of good conscience to conjure in their own minds the ads that are not being aired: Ads that show how gay marriage directly affects the couples and communities that need it most.” – Jonathan Rauch, guest scholar at the Brookings Institution and author of “Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America.”

Hello there!  I’m just recently back from NYC’s Rainbow Wedding Expo (pics and comments to follow in a future post), but I wanted to do a quick post in response to an excellent L.A. Times article I just read by Jonathan Rauch.  Rauch shares his views about the troubling phenomenon of the ‘too sterile’ ads No on Prop. 8 leaders have put forth this election season. Why have those in charge of trying to ensure same sex marriage in California continues after election day ‘caved’ in this way?  Rauch eloquently comments on how we are ‘missing the boat’ on this one.

What a shame.  Be sure to read Rauch’s article and comment right here on the blog!

Barb Elgin

“Wanting to commit to the person you love and assure that your relationship and your family has every legal protection available is basic human nature.”
- Dan Furmansky, Executive Director, Equality Maryland

According to my colleague and friend Dan Furmansky from Equality Maryland…

“The Connecticut Supreme Court ruled 4-3 today that it is unconstitutional to deny marriage equality to gay and lesbian couples. The decision overturns a lower court ruling that found no real harm to same-sex couples because Connecticut grants many of the state-level protections of married couples through civil unions. The Supreme Court disagreed with the lower court and ruled that the civil unions scheme is not acceptable and discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation…Connecticut is now the third U.S. state to grant the freedom to marry to same-sex couples, after Massachusetts and California. New York, in addition, recognizes marriages betweens same-sex couples performed in other states.”

Congratulations to Connecticut and thank you to the judges on their state’s supreme court, for voting on the side of truth and fairness!

For more information on this breaking news, click here for an article on the news in the Boston Globe.

Wow, I heard about a fascinating study today that seems to add credence to the belief that astrology is snake oil!  A scientist from the UK looked at the birthdays of 20 million husbands and wives in the UK (in the UK’s 2001 Census) to see ‘if certain star signs were attracted to others ‘.

The scientist didn’t find a correlation between sun sign and who was married to whom.  He reports that the only ‘relationship’ he found was ‘chance’.

What do you think?  I’ve always questioned the whole astrology thing, given I’m probably more scientist than artist at heart.  I do know that I fit some Taurean characteristics (my sun sign), but not others.  Especially as I’ve gotten older, I less and less seem to fit the Bull!  …course, ask those close to me for the ‘whole story’! 

As long as folks don’t take the whole horoscope thing too seriously, it can be fun.  I’ve always thought astrology a great ‘ice breaker’ or conversation starter/lubricator.  I remember being in a gay golf league years ago and looking forward to getting together with other club members at an area restaurant after playing.  There was one woman in the club, an attorney no less, who loved to ask each of us ‘what is your sign?’ and launch into a comical ‘reading’ designed to tell us how to live our lives, who to love etc.

Also – before you go trashing the boring/nerdy scientists, I have to say that the scientist part of me reminds me that we are limited by the tools we have to observe what is.  So, perhaps we can’t definitively answer whether astrology is true or not!

Ultimately the author of the study believes people will still go on believing in ‘reading the stars’, eventhough his and ‘hundreds’ of other similar studies, seem to dispute the validity of the method.  He even points to celebrity pairings whose star signs should be compatible who had stormy relationships which didn’t last.

Such is the mystery of love and attraction and what people feel drawn to do to find and keep the love they have.  I myself recommend folks try a more conscious, ‘centered’, or, shall we say ‘grounded in reality’ method of finding, growing and cherishing love:  relationship coaching!

Then again, I’m starting to sound ever more like that ‘down to earth’ Bull that I am…. 

Click here to read the article!

Have a kissable day!

Barb Elgin

Happy Monday to you!  Wow, here in the southeast, we’re enjoying lots of sunshine and pleasant warmth.  My prayers go out to the folks in the Los Angelest area who are battling the fires.

Today’s post is short and sweet and aimed at helping you improve your life by…

• evaluating your existing social network(s) and
• ‘tweaking’ if necessary. 

But first I’d like to share a personal story about social support systems that illustrates the suggestions I’m going to make later in this post.  Prior to my becoming a life coach, I was much less aware of the importance of high quality social support. Yes, I’d been trained as a social worker and ‘got it’ that people aren’t islands and that we are ALWAYS operating in an environment that impacts us and vice versa.

But, when it came to my own life, I still had alot to learn. Currently I’m single.  But, for most of my adult life I’ve been in relationships with another woman.  And, that fact itself illustrates some of the concepts I’m about to reveal. 

As a young gay woman growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I didn’t have a very supportive social network and I didn’t know how to build one.  All I did think was that I had to be pretty quiet about who I was and what I wanted.  In fact, because I felt unworthy (and those around me reinforced that unworthiness or shame), I usually found myself clinging on to anyone who was ‘like me’ and, as a matter of fact, I thought other lesbians were so rare, I basically believed unconsciously that I had to ‘latch onto’ any lesbian I was remotely attracted to.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  And, ex’es, if you are reading this article, please, don’t be insulted.  But, as I look back on it now, I see that my world was pretty small.  In high school, my sexuality was still ‘dawning’ on me.  But, I pretty much tried to avoid the whole dating thing.  I tried to like guys and even had a bit of a crush on a couple.  Anyway, I think it was a crush.  Who knows?

What was VERY clear, however, were my attractions to some of my female friends, teachers, co-workers, etc.  Without a doubt, I was attracted to women.  However, in 1978, 1979, what do you do about that?  I couldn’t even conceive of going to my prom with another woman.  And, so, I played a very interesting ‘low profile’ sort of stance in high school.  One of my best friends was a cheerleader who was dating the captain and quarterback of the football team.  But, I didn’t feel worthy of hanging with them.  And, my parents were strict – they were a faster crowd.

So, I hung more with friends at my part time job at the hamburger joint.  I also fell in love with straight a co-worker there.  Up until my college years I had developed a ‘habit’ of falling for straight gals.  But, then again, what other option did most of us have back then?  There were no gay-straight alliances at the schools, no internet, and society was much more ‘in the closet’ about sexual orientation issues.

I did the best I knew how.  In my first relationship, which lasted 7 years, we were each other’s best friend, lover, sister, etc.  And we had very few friends who knew us as a couple.  We were pretty isolated, now that I look back on it.  Her family and parents disapproved and so did mine, although my parents were somewhat better because they didn’t disown us and my partner was always invited to family events such as holidays (which her family more grudgingly allowed).  What happened to that relationship?  My partner figured out that she really liked men more and she left me for a guy.

This was the late 80’s/early 90’s.  So, what did I do in response?  Moped.  And, when I got a little further along in my grieving process I hit the bars!  I tried to drown my sorrows in dancing, running, denial, etc.  I even had one or two ‘one night stands’.  How great was my social network at that point?  Better than before, but still not so hot.  There was the one straight married guy who tried to get me to have sex with him while feigning friendship.  And, there were the lesbians who were drinkers and druggers.  In general, there was a lack of support from family for my ‘divorce’ (in the mental health industry they call this ‘disenfranchised grief’).  And, I didn’t know how to ask for support either.

I’d re-connected with some friends from childhood and through them met my second partner. We barely dated and, before she and I knew it, I’d moved into her house. 

Who were our supports?  We knew one or two couples who were relatively functional to turn to, and my partner’s family, while not close, seemed to accept us.  But otherwise, we were pretty isolated.  And, when it came down to it, at least one of the women in this ’set’ was actively helping drive bigger the wedge that was growing between me and my partner.  I saw it happening but felt helpless to stop it.

By this time my other siblings were married, having children and they were doing the whole families thing.  We were accepted (although no one ever acknowledged openly we were a couple by finding out our anniversary date, for example).

My second partner has (and still is) become a very important figure in my life.  We were together almost 15 years when I left because it hadn’t been good for awhile.

Up until now (and I’m still a ‘work in progress’), I’ve made all of the mistakes that having a better support network would have prevented…

I had couple buddies who weren’t real supportive of us as a couple (and perhaps we could’ve been more supportive)

I had one close friend who I’d met in college who really helped me, especially during the 2nd relationship.  But I Parents and family still were in denial about me and I was too wimpy to be more of myself with them.How?    In fact, up until late 2004, I’d

———–

I was talking earlier today with a client who was lamenting the age old ‘how do I find other lesbians-or folks in general-who have interests similar to mine?’.   Now, this client doesn’t live near a major city.  But, I’ve found most men and women, gay and straight, no matter where they live, find themselves asking this question at some point.</p>

<p>Whether you are single or coupled, the quality of your social support system is VITAL to your the quality of your life.  NO ONE IS AN ISLAND!  Isolated singles become isolated couples and isolated couples become isolated families.  Not good!</p>

<p>I highly recommend building a qualilty social support system for yourself whether you are single or coupled.  If you are single, you no doubt want to eventually meet a soulmate.  Well, he or she just ain’t going to appear out of the ethers.  Now, if you do some advance legwork by expanding the breadth and depth of your social connections I can promise you that, one day your soulmate will seem to ‘just appear’.  But, you’ve got to get the ball rolling first….</p>

<p>If you are single, you need to find friends who know…</p>

<ul><li>that you are single</li>

<li>who you are</li>

<li>what you like and </li>

<li>what you want  </li></ul>

<p>I heartily recommend single folk make friends with couples.   And, if you are single, you need to ‘get out there’ and start attending some events that are matched to your values and/or interests.  Even if you feel you are ‘too busy’ to make time, commit to checking out a ‘new venue’ at least once per month.</p>

<p>If you are a couple (and another client and I were discussing the importance of this yesterday), you need to find other couple friends who are stable and who are committed to each other AND to the health and success of your relationship too.  Be choosy!  I’ve heard one too many story of couples going through a rough time who haven’t developed the type of relationship with other couples where they can go to them and get support.</p>

<p>As a couple, if you have single friends, be sure to be discriminating and hang around a single person who is respectful of your relationship and won’t try to steal either of you away!  Seriously!  And, if you are one member of a couple and you admit you have been or might be tempted to be ’stolen away’, I would get honest with yourself about that right away and address it with a coach or counselor before you fall further down the ’slippery slope’ of destroying your relationship!</p>

<p>Some of this might sound pretty severe or serious to you, but I’m only bringing all of this up because I talk to alot of people whose relationships have been injured by not being careful in these ways.</p>

<p>Are long distance, online only relationships part of a healthy, social support network?</p>

<p>There isn’t an easy yes or no answer to this question, however, it’s common today for some of us to become overinvolved and/or addicted to ‘long distance’, and/or online only love relationships.  Online only relationships can become very seductive, meaning when we are interacting with someone in this way we probably aren’t ’seeing’ and/or ‘experiencing’ enough about them to really be able to know who they fully are AND how we are when we are ‘with’ them.  In fact, there can be such an ‘anonymous’ nature to them, that they other person can completely ‘misrepresent’ themselves to you.  And, you may be more tempted to ‘puff up’ who you are in such an environment also.</p>

<p>Here’s what I advise you do with online only relationships:  it’s okay if you are forming ongoing, long distance, online only relationships for NON romantic reasons.   Many are relying on them for very specific purposes (for example, you talk via telephone with a book club that is so specific in it’s topic that you can’t find enough people in your town with a similar interest or  you met and communicate with someone online because you are taking a class together.  These exampes are usually fine).  Some folks even enjoy – and gain in healthy ways – from these sorts of relationships.</p>

<p>However, if you find yourself  ‘falling for’ or developing romantic or sexual feelings for one of these folks, tread carefully.  Yes, some of us are caught up in such ‘fantasy’ relationships to distract ourselves from dealing with what’s going on in our real lives.  However, beware:  unless you pretty shortly meet this person in person and/or get to know them in a real sense, you could be setting yourself up for heartache.  In fact, if the whole reason you have formed such a relationship has to do with avoiding what’s going on in your real life, I encourage you to stop and take a look at what you are doing.</p>

<p>Free resources for growing your social network</p>

<p>In my travels this past week, I’ve discovered two, online tools that can help you get started in creating healthy, more vibrant social networks for yourself:</p>

<p><strong><a href=” />Olivia</a> – Yes, Olivia the travel/cruise company for lesbians is now getting into the business of social networking.  Be sure to stop by their site and check out their new online communities.  I’ve already joined under the name – BABZ – and I’ve created groups for single lesbians and lesbian couples.  It’s fun and the site is pretty easy to navigate.</p>

<p><strong><a href=”http://matchactivity.com/”>Match Activity</a></strong> – This is what one of my colleagues, Tara Kachaturoff, has to say about this new site:  “MatchActivity recognizes a simple fact: people who like the same music, restaurants, sports, etc., already share qualities that will help them connect, and have a more relaxed basis for communication. While other sites make you browse endless profiles, many of which are misleading or outdated, MatchActivity lets you immediately plan an activity; set the time and place; and find someone who shares your interests. <br /><br />No more endless email relationships — MatchActivity introduces you to people who are ready to get off the couch. No more superficial profiles ? MatchActivity works according to common interests, recognizing that opposites often attract. No more free ride for fakers — MatchActivity lets people?s passions prove they are who they say they are. Activities speak louder than words.”<br /><br />Regardless of the quality of either of these sites, YOU are the one who will make them work for you!  Be sure to <strong><a href=”mailto:barb@barbelgin.com”>email me</a></strong> and let me know how it’s going if you choose to try one or more of these sites!</p>

<p>Have a great week!</p>

<p><strong><a href=”mailto:barb@barbelgin.com”>Barb Elgin</a></strong></p>

<p><a href=”http://barbelgin.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/barb_and_ruby_2_3.jpg”><img title=”Barb Elgin is offering complimentary, 15 minute coaching consults this week if you’d like to learn more about how she can help you create the life you desire!  To get started email Barb or call her at 866-396-BARB to set your appointment!” height=”179″ alt=”Barb Elgin is offering complimentary, 15 minute coaching consults this week if you’d like to learn more about how she can help you create the life you desire! To get started, <a href=” />email Barb </a>or call her at 866-396-BARB to set your appointment!” src=”http://www.authenticgayliving.com/images/barb_and_ruby_2_3.jpg” width=”150″ border=”0″ style=”FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 5px 5px 0px” /> </p>

Can you say you absolutely love your life and your work?  Well I can.  And I want the same for you.  You see, I truly believe that the only life worth living is the examined one and that all of us are here for more than meets the eye!  All of us are conscious, loving beings, and I believe we are continuously becoming more of who we are…if we choose to connect with and nurture that part of ourselves.  I know what a challenge all of this can be, making your life your own when you’ve still got to pay the bills, wash the dishes and put up with others who care more about taking your freedoms away than making life better for all!  However, I do know this:  feeling more alive and deeper life satisfaction awaits those who courageously choose their authentic path! 

So, if…

• you are a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered) or GLBT-friendly individual, couple, parent(s), family, group or organization and you are ready to clarify your individual and/or mutual life vision(s) and live that vision with gusto OR
• you are GLBT (or think you might be) and you are ready to live a more authentic life

I’ll bet it’s worth your time to get to know me.  To get started, be sure to check out:

• Coach Sappho®, which I founded in 2001, offers exciting, cutting edge relationship enhancement and improvement coaching, seminars and conferences (by telephone and in person) for singles and couples who sincerely value and are committed to finding, creating and cherishing a deeply satisfying, lifelong relationship with an ‘ideal’ partner.
• LesbianDatingCoach, a blog specifically for lesbian singles, 18 and up.
• Authentic Loving, a blog where you’ll find oodles of relationship articles and posts written by myself and other experts, online discussions, tips and resources.
• Relationship MAGIC for Life, where you’ll learn 5 keys to relationship success.
• Authentic Gay Living, which provides a ’safe place’ exploring what it means to live an authentic gay life and why supporting individuals for doing so is morally right.

© 2001-2006, Barb Elgin (DBA BE A Success Enterprises, LLC). Coach Sappho® is a registered U.S. Trademark, 2006-2011. All rights reserved.