When it comes to love relationships, we all seem to instinctively know that one of the keys to keeping love alive is continuing to keep it fun and playing well together.   Easy to do when things are going well, right?

However, what about when things aren’t going so swimmingly? This is truly where we separate the men from the boys, or, the happy versus unhappy couples.  You see, it seems how we handle the difficult moments in our relationship – when we are feeling not-so-playful or positive,  such as when we are frustrated, angry or feel some type of negativity towards our partner or our relationship – determines whether we (and our partner) will continue to feel positive about our relationship and emotionally invest in it…or not!

John Gottman coined this very useful idea, this visual of ‘kicking around the soccer ball’, after observing thousands of gay and straight couples in his notorious love lab.  Gottman discovered there is a big difference between…

• the couples who have ‘mastered’ handling conflict and
• those couples whose behavior, when it comes to negatively-charged situations, incites an escalation of the conflict, withdrawal in one or both partners, etc.

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As we approach Valentine’s Day, I am reminded that it’s not all ‘wine and roses’.

Particularly if you are a gay or lesbian couple who doesn’t have the benefit of legal marriage, or, if you live in an area where you have domestic partnership protections, but you haven’t registered as a domestic partner, you will especially want to learn more about what it means to protect yourself and your relationship.

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If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ve probably seen me referring to the lesbian dating scene as a jungle.  Now, I’m not being negative or trying to stereotype lesbians.  The truth is, no matter what your sexual orientation is, when you are single and you say you are tired of relationships that don’t last and ‘this time’ you’re going to find the partner you’ll spend the rest of your life with, it helps to know what is going on inside (and around) you, so you understand what to expect as you go through time with a partner.

Perhaps you’ve never realized it before, but did you know there are some very powerful chemicals in your brain that can ‘control you’, if you let them, when it comes to romance?  I am talking to you in this way because I think it’s very important to add some realism to balance these strong emotions, which always come with romance.

What is so helpful about having a love coach comes into play here: You need someone who is going to ‘be your head’ right now.  When it comes to love and partner selection, most of us are way too emotional.  Well, you say, why can’t I just rely on the opinion of good friends or family members?  Because they too are ‘too close to’ your situation to not have an agenda or two.  A love coach has no ulterior motive.

It’s a well known, researched fact that new, or young, love, is a very powerful experience, one that actually creates for some of us, a type of ‘temporary insanity’.

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Greg Halpen, TheGayGuysLoveCoach

I had a blast last night talking with Greg Halpen on Blogtalkradio’s TheGayGuysLoveCoach.  Thank you to Greg for inviting me onto the show and for being such a tremendous host.

Greg and I covered several ‘juicy’ areas during our discussion.  We even had a wedding planner call in to discuss how to handle couples who get ‘testy’ during the wedding preparations process.

Be sure you click here to listen in, the show lasted approximately 30 minutes.  You can listen via streaming and you can download a copy of the show via mp3 as well.

BTW, Greg and I are cooking up an event for the single gals and guys in New York City later this summer, so, be on the lookout for more information to come soon!

“Whatever the tactical considerations, the absence of gay couples and gay marriages from California’s gay-marriage debate makes for an oddly hollow discussion. It leaves voters of good conscience to conjure in their own minds the ads that are not being aired: Ads that show how gay marriage directly affects the couples and communities that need it most.” – Jonathan Rauch, guest scholar at the Brookings Institution and author of “Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America.”

Hello there!  I’m just recently back from NYC’s Rainbow Wedding Expo (pics and comments to follow in a future post), but I wanted to do a quick post in response to an excellent L.A. Times article I just read by Jonathan Rauch.  Rauch shares his views about the troubling phenomenon of the ‘too sterile’ ads No on Prop. 8 leaders have put forth this election season. Why have those in charge of trying to ensure same sex marriage in California continues after election day ‘caved’ in this way?  Rauch eloquently comments on how we are ‘missing the boat’ on this one.

What a shame.  Be sure to read Rauch’s article and comment right here on the blog!

Barb Elgin

“Wanting to commit to the person you love and assure that your relationship and your family has every legal protection available is basic human nature.”
- Dan Furmansky, Executive Director, Equality Maryland

According to my colleague and friend Dan Furmansky from Equality Maryland…

“The Connecticut Supreme Court ruled 4-3 today that it is unconstitutional to deny marriage equality to gay and lesbian couples. The decision overturns a lower court ruling that found no real harm to same-sex couples because Connecticut grants many of the state-level protections of married couples through civil unions. The Supreme Court disagreed with the lower court and ruled that the civil unions scheme is not acceptable and discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation…Connecticut is now the third U.S. state to grant the freedom to marry to same-sex couples, after Massachusetts and California. New York, in addition, recognizes marriages betweens same-sex couples performed in other states.”

Congratulations to Connecticut and thank you to the judges on their state’s supreme court, for voting on the side of truth and fairness!

For more information on this breaking news, click here for an article on the news in the Boston Globe.

Wow, I heard about a fascinating study today that seems to add credence to the belief that astrology is snake oil!  A scientist from the UK looked at the birthdays of 20 million husbands and wives in the UK (in the UK’s 2001 Census) to see ‘if certain star signs were attracted to others ‘.

The scientist didn’t find a correlation between sun sign and who was married to whom.  He reports that the only ‘relationship’ he found was ‘chance’.

What do you think?  I’ve always questioned the whole astrology thing, given I’m probably more scientist than artist at heart.  I do know that I fit some Taurean characteristics (my sun sign), but not others.  Especially as I’ve gotten older, I less and less seem to fit the Bull!  …course, ask those close to me for the ‘whole story’! 

As long as folks don’t take the whole horoscope thing too seriously, it can be fun.  I’ve always thought astrology a great ‘ice breaker’ or conversation starter/lubricator.  I remember being in a gay golf league years ago and looking forward to getting together with other club members at an area restaurant after playing.  There was one woman in the club, an attorney no less, who loved to ask each of us ‘what is your sign?’ and launch into a comical ‘reading’ designed to tell us how to live our lives, who to love etc.

Also – before you go trashing the boring/nerdy scientists, I have to say that the scientist part of me reminds me that we are limited by the tools we have to observe what is.  So, perhaps we can’t definitively answer whether astrology is true or not!

Ultimately the author of the study believes people will still go on believing in ‘reading the stars’, eventhough his and ‘hundreds’ of other similar studies, seem to dispute the validity of the method.  He even points to celebrity pairings whose star signs should be compatible who had stormy relationships which didn’t last.

Such is the mystery of love and attraction and what people feel drawn to do to find and keep the love they have.  I myself recommend folks try a more conscious, ‘centered’, or, shall we say ‘grounded in reality’ method of finding, growing and cherishing love:  relationship coaching!

Then again, I’m starting to sound ever more like that ‘down to earth’ Bull that I am…. 

Click here to read the article!

Have a kissable day!

Barb Elgin