One of the many emails I returned to after my trip contained a very important article I really want you to read because it simply reminds all of us how UNEQUAL the tax laws are for gay and lesbian couples in the United States.

The article reminds us that only 65% of Americans in general have a will, and it often takes a crisis such as a death to spur us to act.  According to the article, entitled ‘Gay Couples Caught in Financial Limbo’, gay and lesbian couples must now spend thousands of dollars putting into place the protections legal marriage confers easily and straight married couples take for granted.

Even so, when a partner dies, gay partners can still be charged estate taxes on their partner’s estate and we can’t receive social security benefits (as well as many other benefits married heterosexual couples enjoy).

These FACTS should concern everyone.  Money is always a major area of concern and stress for couples, even in the best of circumstances.  Imposing these additional financial losses, penalties and burdens on gay and lesbian couples is another reason why achieving marriage equality is so important, not only for individual gay and lesbian couples, but for the health and vitality of our entire country in these trying economic times.

During the talk, Huckabee said he believes gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt.  He dissed gays as parents by complaining that when it comes to parenting children, ‘we aren’t dealing with puppies’.

Well now, there is much I can say about that comment, but, suffice it to say there is a study out there (I’ll try to find it if you insist) that actually found the best parents, over lesbians and straights, were gay men!  And, I’m not even exploring the issue of who the better pet parents are! 

The couple, Steve McDonagh and Dan Smith, have been together 13 years and parent an adopted son.  McDonagh turned the proverbial cheek and approached Huckabee by stating,

“You may know me from Food Network. My partner, Dan Smith, and I are The Hearty Boys. We’re Chicago caterers, restaurateurs, cookbook authors and most importantly, dads. Dan and I have been in a stable, monogamous, loving, positive, nurturing and healthy relationship for 13 years. We were blessed to adopt our son, Nate, at his birth 4 1/2 years ago.

“Sir, your comments likening my parenting my son to adopting a pet are beyond hurtful and dangerous. My love, passion and commitment to Nate is not one iota different than what you have for John Mark, David and Sarah. Our son is loved and cared for just as much. He feels just as loved and cared for. He is a happy, well adjusted little guy whom I fiercely love.

“Mr. Huckabee, I invite you to spend the evening with us at our home in Chicago next time you come through. You need to understand and see firsthand what a family like ours is like. We are no less a family than yours, and in fact, we are healthier and more stable than most.”

I will be very surprised if Huckabee accepts the Hearty Boy’s invitation and shows up for dinner.  If he does, I sure hope the Hearty Boys report what happened during the meeting to the world.

Thanks to Dan and Steve for taking such a brave, public stand.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com today, take our FREE love quiz and see if you are ready for love!

© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

All subscribers are invited to the live shows and can receive free downloads of all shows.  Once you become a subscriber, you can pick up your free recording of last night’s show.

If you don’t know about the ‘Janice Langbehn/Lisa Pond’  story, now is time for you to find out.  Janice’s story has been in the national spotlight recently as well as much of the last few years since her life took a dramatic turn.

In 2007 Janice’s partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, died suddenly and unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm, while they were getting ready to enjoy a family vacation together.

As if Lisa’s death wasn’t tragic enough, the way Janice was treated in the hospital during Lisa’s final hours was unthinkable and unconscionable.   As my co-host Donna Tara Lee remarked, the more she heard, the ‘madder and madder’ she got.

And, I’m willing to bet Janice’s experience is repeated all too often around the country.  Don’t think it can’t happen to you, too, even if you or your partner ends up in a hospital in a major metropolitan area.  Who would think a hospital in Miami would still be in ‘the dark ages’!

I want to thank Janice again for being so giving of her time. To tell you how amazing and committed Janice is, just realize that she continues to share her story (without pay of course), even though she is the single parent of three teenagers and she has a chronic illness.

Be sure to listen to the entire interview because, at the end, Janice shared in great detail what her next steps are, including suggesting to listeners how we can get behind her and her experience  to change the discriminatory health care systems that exist in this country.

As Donna told Janice last night – I honor you, Janice!

Barb Elgin

Want to learn four more secrets to attracting a great date for New Year’s Eve? Join me for Coach Sappho’s 5 Secrets to Finding a GREAT Date for New Year’s Eve.  We’ve offering three different days and times for the tele-seminars, to accomodate a wide variety of schedules and time zones.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out? Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

As usual, Obama was a masterful speaker.  He stated his case for what his administration has already done for GLBT’s since taking office.  I only hope that Obama can continue to follow his words with more actions, as he promised yesterday with his words…

Certainly while we are frustrated and want to see bigger gains, we must look at what we can be thankful for, in terms of Obama’s stated respect for our community as compared to previous presidents and, obviously, we are much better off in terms of ‘promise’ as compared to what we would have had with a republican president.  For example, we probably wouldn’t have seen this type of reception if John McCain were president.

By the way, if you want to watch the official White House video and get a transcript of Obama’s speech, you can do so by clicking here.

I’m pleased to announce that we have several lucky winners (I’ve listed their first names only here) who will take home prizes from Coach Sappho as a result of visiting our booth at Daytona Beach Pride and playing our pride contest!

As a matter of fact, I’ve made the ‘executive decision’ that EVERYONE who played in the raffle will win something!!!  So, if you stopped by Coach Sappho’s booth, be sure to look for your first name below and, expect an email or call from me soon to award you YOUR prize!

Again, I want to thank the following Daytona Beach-area gay and gay-friendly businesses who donated these wonderful prizes.  I am in the process of notifying winners and businesses right now:

• Kathy won a two night stay at The August Seven Inn luxury guesthouse (estimated value – $350 – donated by owner/operator Peter Williamson)
• Cecily won a  ‘just in time’ Coach Sappho coaching package for one (estimated value $200 – donated by Barb Elgin)
• Joan won a $50 gift card for a massage (donated by Greg at New Age Touch Therapy Practice)
• Taz, Noel and Marla each won a $50 each gift certificate (total value $150 – donated by the Fantasy Shoppe Bookstore)
• Eileen won a wine tasting for 10 by Designing Wine in Deland (value – $50)
• Elizabeth won a $25 gift certificate from John’s ‘Stress Free’ Dog Grooming Shop in Holly Hills
• Christi won a dinner for two at the Daytona Beach Clubhouse Restaurant (value – $20)
• Amy, Maria, Liz, Ansley, DeAnna, Annette, Claudette, and Marvel each win their choice of a dating or relatonship book (donated by Barb Elgin/Coach Sappho – value – $10-15)

I want to thank everyone again who participated.  We had a lot of fun with the raffle and Daytona hosted me well, both at the ‘Just Us’ dinner by Dee at The Aquarium Saturday night and at Daytona Pride Festival the next day!

Of course I follow Joe however and whenever I can.  I believe he is one of the great leaders of our day.  Here’s an excerpt from his email message to the community today.  I found it quite powerful and I know you will too…

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]]> http://blog.coachsappho.com/2008/12/23/give-yourself-and-your-loved-ones-a-memorable-holiday-gift-an-hrc-membership/feed/ 0 http://blog.coachsappho.com/2007/10/01/vote-for-authentic-love-equality-and-fairness/ http://blog.coachsappho.com/2007/10/01/vote-for-authentic-love-equality-and-fairness/#comments Mon, 01 Oct 2007 20:58:14 +0000 Barb Elgin http://h157412wp.setupmyblog.com/?p=307 You know, it never ceases to amaze me that there are individuals and groups in our country who claim, on one hand to be about love, humanity and equal rights, but then act just the opposite.  I can understand the motivation of some of the bloggers out there who are exposing the many forms of hypocrisy or, ‘inauthenticity’ some of these individuals, groups and/or organizations are caught up in.

Now, before you go and think I’m being ‘preachy’, let me just say, some of us are just more inauthentic more often!  None of us is perfect.

I know that the religious right believes they are truly doing ‘the right thing’ or ‘being authentic’ by denying me my authenticity/equal rights.  But they believe they are doing the right thing, according to their religious belief.  As such, their influence and power should be limited to the practice of their religion, and their religous community, just as I have the same freedom and right to do the same. 

I don’t get to tell someone else how they should believe and practice their faith and vice versa.  I don’t bother them.  I don’t try to get laws passed to deny them their equal rights to live their life as they wish.  How do I know for sure if they aren’t being authentic?  And, how do they know, for sure, that they aren’t denying me my right to live my truth?  What if they are wrong?  What do you think god would think of that?

Ultimately, aren’t we supposed to be a democratically diverse or pluralistic society that has defined a true separation between church and state???  Since when is denying someone their equal rights under the law loving, humane or democratic?  What does either of our religious beliefs have to do with civil rights?  I know, the relationship gets complex.  I just heard on the nightly news that, while we say we are a country that values the separation between church and state, a majority of Americans would not vote for a candidate that claimed no religious practice.

I really don’t blame the religious right entirely.  How about the great, vast ‘middle’ of America who is supposed to be more fair-minded and just than Christian Fundamentalists (sorry, but it’s true)?  Where are the Bill Clinton’s of the world when it comes time to put your money where your mouth is? 

Sorry Bill, but when it came down to it in the mid-1990’s when you had a chance to be fair, you instead fell prey to the silly fears of a small, yet powerful and vocal minority, who want to walk around believing that gays in the military just can’t exist, somewhat like the Iranian president blabbered on about last week.  Instead of drawing a rational, loving and authentic line in the sand you played politics and signed ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’…What can I say?  A lesbian never forgets….

And, the coming presidential election?  I hear that both democratic front runners, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, are keeping a ’safe distance’ from me too. 

I know it sounds like I have a bad attitude but I have a hard time getting excited about any of the candidates when I know that none of them is truly looking out much for me.  Yes, it’s a bit exciting to think that perhaps we’ll have a democratic president for a change and, perhaps a woman.

However, I don’t have very high hopes that it will much matter.  Then, another more hopeful side of me says that I’ve got to believe that, while I can’t ‘get what I want exactly when I want it’, a democratic president will have a positive impact for me between 2008-2012 in ways that a republican president won’t.

Okay, so I finished my rant!  Let me tell you the main message I wanted to offer today:  Next November anti-gay elements in the State of Florida will try to join the cadre of other states who’ve added a ‘marriage protection’ amendment to the books. 

This past week I was introduced to an organization here in Florida who is working to throw out that nasty, ‘Marriage Protection’ Amendment these unloving forces in Florida are advancing.

I received a call last week from Patricia Ireland, a nationally-known activist who used to head up the National Organization of Women (NOW).

What a pleasure talking with her one-on-one!  I have to say:  how nice to be noticed!  Patricia is asking our help in supporting an organization called Florida Red and Blue.  Honestly, I’d never heard of Florida Red and Blue until about a week ago.  That’s a shame because they are fighting for my rights as a Floridian.

So, if you are a Floridian (and even if you aren’t), please be sure you go to Florida Red and Blue’s site ASAP and make a donation to help the cause and spread the word.  This is not the time to get complacent!  Apparently, there are some very strong forces (and deep pocketbooks) here in Florida coming together to try and prevent you and I (and other same sex couples) from marrying.

I’m not a legal expert, but I think that if these anti-gay forces have their way and the state of Florida passes such an amendment it will be doubly difficult for us to change that state of affairs.  Imagine – living in a state where both gay adoption and gay marriage are illegal.

If you aren’t a Floridian, why should you care?  Because the ‘relationship rights’ battle for gay and lesbian love is now being fought out in the states.  We need to help each state fight back those who want to deny us our human rights.  There are already too many other states with such amendments on the books.

Those who want to deny me my rights, that’s bad enough.  But what they also don’t realize is that they would also be harming those hundreds of thousands of heterosexual, unmarried but partnered, seniors in Florida who are in committed relationships but choose not to marry because doing so would strip them of the social security benefits they’ve spent a lifetime earning and send them to the poor house.  That’s right:  In addition to the impact this horrible amendment would create for gays, if this amendment becomes law, it will even impact our ability to establish domestic partnership arrangements, gay and straight.

Now is the time to ally with an organization such as Florida Red and Blue.  You can help them fight for you while there is still time.  Don’t wait!

So, here goes…

Why is it that my human rights are subject to endless public and/or political debate?  Why are my rights ‘up for grabs’ or ‘needing to be negotiated’ rather than ‘inalienable’ or ‘assured’?  After all, straight folks don’t have to go through all this crap.  Why in the world does someone outside myself have power over my PRIVATE thoughts, feelings and decisions when it comes to who I love, and how I express my love towards that person?  Why is it that no one seems to care about the many ‘costs’ associated with denying me my private right as a citizen of the United States to create the love life I desire?

If you are straight, just imagine for a moment, what it would be like to live in a world where people discuss your right to be, to love who you want, to work where you want and be your self, etc.  Even worse, imagine a world where people dictate to me who I can love and prevent me from openly doing so?  Can you imagine what it would be like to fear walking down the street holding your spouse’s hand because you know if you did you might be mocked, beaten up or even killed???  Welcome to my reality and the reality of all GLBT Americans.

If you are straight, imagine what it is like to have to lie about who you are, when you profess to be a truthteller?

Welcome to my world!

Now, some of you might be saying: well, we get to tell you who you are and how you can live your life because sexual orientation is chosen, unlike other minority statuses such as gender, ethnicity, age, etc.

I beg to differ.  We really DON’T know, FOR SURE if sexual orientation is something people choose or, have control over.  Even if studies show that sexual orientation, to some degree, is the result of environment, that still doesn’t prove that a person has control over their sexual feelings and/or who they fall in love with/are attracted to.

There are many studies coming out (and being done) right now that seem to indicate that a person’s sexual orientation is a very complex part of who someone is.  Thankfully, I doubt we’ll ever be able to absolutely control for sexual orientation.  Thank the goddess or god and goddess or gods and goddesses for that!!! 

We humans may be smart but thankfully we’re not THAT smart!

Studies are showing some very strong evidence that sexual orientation is largely NOT CONSCIOUSLY CHOSEN.  Many credible studies are showing strong PRE-NATAL influences, meaning, if anything, we need to blame mom (or the parents)!!!  Just kidding…

Why is it that people get their panties in a wad about that reality? 

And, if you believe in a literal translation of some religious text, just know that not everyone does so and, we live in a country that separates religious belief and practices from individual civil rights (and it should separate religious beliefs from the rights of two individuals who love each other to form a bond that protects them from the vicissitudes of life). 

Also – we could get into a great discussion some day on the ‘infallibility’ of your religious text.  But, regardless, I respect your right to practice your spirituality as you wish.  But that doesn’t give you the civil right to deny me my equal rights because of your religious beliefs.

There are lots of christians who believe gayness is a natural and normal variation on the human race.  If you are someone who used to believe all gays were sick or going to hell and you’ve changed your opinion on that, I’d love to hear from you.

We need to continue the dialogue, overcome lack of information, etc. and share with the world how you can come to believe that it’s okay to be gay and that the biggest tragedy is in denying gay people their right to pursue happiness as everyone else.

I’d love to hear from you if you’ve come to understand…

My current ‘labors of love’ include inspiring…

• Married, partnered, separated, divorced, single, dating or engaged individuals who value deeply satisfying, long term life partnerships.
• Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered entrepreneurs (and allies) who are starting or growing creative or cause-based businesses serving the GLBT community.  Click here to learn more about my ideal clients.
• Online dating and relationship services companies struggling to take their business, or that part of their business, which focuses primarily on serving lesbian and bisexual women, to the next level.
• GLBT’s and GLBT allies who are truly ready to live a more authentic life

If you see yourself in one or more of the scenarios above, I truly believe that we are meant to meet and create something beautiful together that will deeply increase your satisfaction with life!  I look forward to hearing from you! 

Authentically yours! – Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW-C

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