Just this past week, for example, I was talking with a single lesbian who had recently attended a lesbian camping weekend.  Here in Central Florida, the scene is no different.

For example, last month, while I was in Daytona Beach running my booth at Daytona’s Gay Pride Festival, the night before Pride I had an opportunity to finally meet Dee and the ‘Just Us’ gang, an established group of lesbians from the north east coast areas of Florida who meet for a variety of social gatherings.

And, in today’s post I want to highlight for you a brand new social group for lesbians that has come onto the scene in the Central Florida/Orlando, Florida area.  The group is called

GoGo Productions (Girlz of Greater Orlando)

and it was founded by an Orlando woman whose vision it is to:

“…create a friendly, relaxed atmosphere for womyn to mingle in and make new connections. It is my profound belief as owner moderator of this group that we always keep a positive environment and that we should support one another lift each other up, rather than tear each other down. There is no reason every day can not be Gay Days here in the Greater Orlando Area! All we need is You!!”

GoGo Productions has an active social calendar, with several events per month planned.  For example, tomorrow morning is their singles brunch and June includes events such as dinner and a movie, moonlight bowling and a coffee klatch, to name just a few.

If you’re a central Florida lesbian, you need to check out GoGo Productions.  No more excuses for not having something to do this month.  You can learn more about GoGo by clicking here.

What great events, groups or organizations in your town aren’t getting the attention they should?  What do you want other lesbians in your area to know about? Lesbian women all across America read Coach Sappho’s blog and want to know what to do with their social and recreational time, so, email me and let me know the scoop so I can spread the word.

Who knows…maybe that’s how we’ll get some new faces out to your next area event.  And, if you are single, perhaps that is how you’ll meet your soul mate!?!  

———–

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

TOLERANCE OF ONE’S LESBIANISM

Tolerance is a stage most gays and lesbians also go through.  When you tolerate something you are acknowledging it (versus denying it).  However, all of us know the feeling of ‘tolerating’ something.  It’s not usually fun, and the attitude is akin to ‘grinning and bearing something’ or ‘putting up with someone or something unpleasant’.

Kind of like the friends and/or family members who choose, after many years of knowing the ‘truth’ about us, to continue to say they aren’t happy with our ‘chosen lifestyle’. People who tolerate us may let us bring our partners to family events and, they may even become fond of our partners.

However, it is less likely they will openly acknowledge our partners fully as our ‘spouses’ and they most likely do not view our love relationships as equal to theirs. As far as your own belief about yourself at this stage, it’s not so hot.  When you merely tolerate who you are, you are more prone to accepting negative treatment by others, you may still be hiding your gayness to co-workers, close friends and family, etc.  And, romantically-speaking, because you aren’t feeling a high degree of self esteem, you tend to attract relationships where you are ‘in hiding’, or that are unsatisfying and/or don’t last.

Why do you (and others) do these things?

Because the stage of tolerance still has degrees of denial and shame within it along with a greater degree of ‘lack of awareness’ of who you are and what you want. Then again, if you find yourself (or you find friends and family here), tolerance is infinitely better than it’s opposites: rejection and intolerance.  In fact, if you ask me tolerance and intolerance aren’t that far apart.

ACCEPTANCE OF ONE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION

At some point, thankfully, for many of us, we come to accept being gay.  Perhaps we grow a bit older and wiser or we grow tired of the hiding or minimizing.  We decide the ‘costs’ of not living more fully are too high.  No longer denying or tolerating ourselves, we poke a truer self out into the world.  Now, we may still stay ‘in the closet’ in places and with people we aren’t completely sure will accept us, however, less and less we care what others think about us.

Getting to this stage in the celebration process is indeed a relief.  In the dictionary, acceptance for our purposes is defined as approval or being ‘well received’.  Sounds good, right?  So why isn’t acceptance enough?  Some of us think this is the ‘end goal’, but, in reality acceptance is merely the beginning of really living!  Yes, there are even better days ahead, if we are willing to stretch ourselves a bit more.

CELEBRATING BEING A LESBIAN

When I explain the difference between accepting oneself and celebrating oneself, most of my clients get very excited.  My favorite dictionary definitions for celebration are…

• observing with respect and festivity
• praising or extolling
• to make widely known through display

Now do you see (and feel) the difference between acceptance and celebration?

Wow, while acceptance is, what I would call the ‘Jr.’ version of ‘having it all’, celebration is truly ‘having it all’ in my book. The thought of actually celebrating oneself, like one does on their birthday or when enjoying a great achievement sounds very cool.  Then, for some, fear creeps in.

How in the world, many ask, can I feel this good?  Is it possible?  Is it realistic? Yes, actually living from a space of celebration about who you are is realistic and very do-able.  You do have to be willing to let go of your fears of how others will receive you.  However, the rewards are great.  Consider feeling, for the first time, that you are just another variation on the theme of life and love?  No better than anyone else, but equal to your heterosexual parents, siblings, friends, etc.

Consider also feeling, for the first time, that being gay or lesbian is natural, normal and, even, wonderful!  Like straight people always assume they are. For those of you who ARE psychologically impacted by your environment (and all of us are to some degree), surveys of course have their limits, but one I noticed recently might give you hope and raise your ability to celebrate yourself for being GLBT.  That’s right – a recent (October 2008) Harris Interactive Poll found that

“…nearly nine out of 10 (87%) heterosexuals said that if someone were to come out to them as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it would have a positive or no impact on how they would view gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. The survey also revealed that two out of three (67%) heterosexual adults agree that if someone they knew is gay or lesbian, they’d want that individual to be open and honest with them about it, rather than feel the need to hide who he or she really is.”

Wow!  I know that poll instilled more hope in me.  How about you?  Be sure to read details of the poll here.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CELEBRATION AND DEEPLY SATISFYING, LASTING LOVE: Why isn’t acceptance or, even, tolerance enough?

I began this two part post talking about the concept of readiness and how celebrating one’s sexuality and deeply satisfying, lasting love goes hand-in-hand.  Just how so?  Here are some of my thoughts on why getting to the stage of celebrating your sexuality will help you on your journey of love…

• The more you celebrate your sexuality, the better you feel about yourself.  Any remnants of shame ‘fall way’.
• The better you feel about yourself, the less you ‘tolerate’ a life that isn’t brilliantly full.
• The less you tolerate a life that isn’t brilliantly full, the more exciting and purposeful a life you envision.
• The grander the life vision you pursue, the more excited you become about fulfilling your purpose in this lifetime.
• The more excited and into your life vision you become, the more you love you and your life.
• The more you fall in love with yourself and your life, the more attractive you become in the world.
• The more attractive you become in the world, the more you attract others to you and, if you are in a relationship, the more attractive you are to your partner.

If you are coupled, living a celebratory life, you are able to sustain, even when times are tough, an attitude of graciousness and hope.  You choose to see what is positive about yourself and your partner if you are coupled.  You choose to celebrate all that is the two of you.  The beautiful things you’ve created together.  Despite the hard moments, you appreciate and relish how one + one =’s more than two!

If you are single, you choose to stay busy, creating a life YOU love, whether or not another person has as of yet appeared to build an amazing future together with, because you trust in time that will occur.

Single or coupled, when you celebrate who you are, you think enough of yourself to fill your life with activities and people who celebrate who you are along with you! I don’t know about you but I’ll choose celebration over acceptance any day!  How about you???

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.” – Unknown

I received the above quote in the ezine of a colleague of mine earlier today.  It got me to thinking about the coming holidays and the new year and it got me curious about you and your life.  I am a deep believer in the benefit of reflection and visioning and it’s positive impact on one’s life.

So, I’ll ask…

“Do you think it would help you to slow down for a few hours this December, reflect upon wisdom gained in 2007 and use what you learn, along with what your heart longs for today, to begin planning for a great 2008?”

Now, you don’t have to do so alone.  I’ve decided to offer my

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008 Tele-seminar

again this year.  Last year, I had quite a bit of interest in the program so I thought I’d run it again!  This program is for everyone and it is not solely relationship-focused like most of my programs (meaning: you have a choice if you want to focus on relationships or some other area(s) of your life)!

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008 Tele-seminar

is a three session program that will help you ‘prime’ yourself for an amazing 2008.  During

Gearing Up for Greater Abundance in 2008′s Tele-seminar you will…

• reflect upon your learnings, disappointments and new awarenesses from 2007
• dream big for 2008 and ‘bring your dreams out of hiding’ using some of my favorite ‘visioning’ exercises
• identify and clear out the limiting beliefs that have been stopping you from realizing your vision
• create your unique plan for manifestation in 2008

In addition to these objectives, you will have the benefit of being part of an amazing group of ‘like-minded’ individuals also tuning into themselves and their heart’s desires.  I can tell you from past experience leading these groups and being a participant of them, that the new relationships, ideas, suggestions and support that grow out of participation in one of these tele-seminars is often priceless as far as the value it adds to one’s life!

I’m going to lead this program on Wednesday evenings – December 5th, 12th and 19th from 7:30p-9p ET ONLY and I am going to limit it to 5-10 participants to ensure lots of attention to participant’s needs so be sure to register today to ensure your spot in the class!

In addition, the program will be recorded and will be available to participants only (in case a participant can’t make a ‘live’ meeting and
for participants to refer back to during 2008 for support).

Click here to register now.

AND AS A BONUS:  I’ll be running a contest each night of the class where I’ll be choosing a class member’s name to receive a complimentary gift, Coach Sappho’s FIND YOUR SOUL MATE IN ’08′ HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE ($129.00 value)!!!  That’s right – this means I’ll be giving away three of these valuable packages.  In an intimate class of 5-10 people the odds are high you’ll win one!!!!

BE well,

As Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, I thought I’d share my ‘heart thoughts’ on the single most important thing you can do today to celebrate the holiday…

Thank yourself and be grateful for YOU!

That’s right!  Take some time today to thank yourself for all that you are and all that you do.  We live in a culture that tends to be so judgmental and/or ‘externally’ focused.  We live in a world that too often values how much we make, how big or modern a home we live in, how much we ‘go all out’ in celebrating, etc.

Now, externals aren’t all bad, mind you.  I too am of the belief that material abundance and inner abundance can go ‘hand-in-hand’.

I hope you’ll take a few minutes to realize all you do for others.  I hope you’ll reflect upon all that’s ‘right’ and ‘good’ about you.  And I hope you’ll think about all the wonderful characteristics that make up you.  Your core values, your strengths, your uniqueness and how you positively impact the world.

This is not a selfish, mediate on your navel suggestion.  Taking care of you (the golden goose) is vital to continuing to lay those golden eggs!  This is ESPECIALLY important if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered (or intersexed, for that matter), because society doesn’t fully yet ‘get’ our value to the whole and, instead, often tries to take away our joy.  Don’t let them! 

Just because some people still have ‘issues’, INSIDE OF THEM (not you) regarding gender and sex, that doesn’t mean YOU have to take on their problems or burdens.

So, don’t lose ‘you’ in the process of today’s events.  There are many ways to ‘lose you’ today.  However, I won’t even list them here, because words have power.  Instead I want you to envision the day you desire and then, go forth with your day.  Period! 

As you are challenged to stay WITH your vision of a perfect day, just remember the ‘voice of Coach Sappho’ inside your head and heart, gently encouraging you back on YOUR path…

Part of your perfect day vision probably includes remembering to do at least a couple of the daily routines you participate in that keep you well, such as exercise, meditation, prayer, making love (like how I put that right next to prayer!?!), even some good ‘ol portion control or, at a minimum, eating small portions of the most ‘fattening’ stuff, etc….

And let me know how doing all of this impacts the Thanksgiving you experience!  Post your thoughts and feelings about it all right here on the blog.

Lastly, if you are despairing today, take a moment and read the words Orlando realtor and colleague, Danny Veal, sent me in a Thanksgiving email card today.  What a positive ‘reframe’ indeed, so, thank you! Danny…

Thoughts for Thanksgiving

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary, because it means you’ve made a difference. It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Have a wonderful day!

Barb Elgin
Founder/CEO
Coach Sappho?
Inspiring healthy and fulfilling
lesbian dating and mating!

I was talking to a client the other day about her family relationships and an interesting distinction for me began to emerge…

Is it possible that being ‘tolerated’ by our loved ones, employers, employees, etc., is worse than outright rejection, when it comes to their full acceptance of who we are as GLBT’s?

I say this because this absolutely wonderful, outwardly successful 40-something lesbian woman seems to be showing the signs of ‘wear’ on this issue.  She says that, for years, she’s accepted her family’s tolerance of her.  Afterall, they didn’t outright ‘shun’ her.  Her family has always welcomed her partners into their home, as in invited them to holiday dinners, family picnics, etc. 

However, on the other hand, the family never talks about the invisible elephant in the living room:  that their daughter is gay and that they accept her as equal to them.  Instead, their overall behavior has evidenced something else:  alot of underlying disapproval, judgement, etc.  And, she accepted this ‘not feeling okay to talk about it’ and kept quiet about her life.  For example, she didn’t share with her family when she and her partner’s anniversary was, what they did to celebrate, etc., and family never bothered to ask.

She didn’t come out to other relatives and neither did her family tell relatives.  It seemed they were ashamed.

And when her almost two decades old relationship ended, her family didn’t reach out to her and comfort her or, even, check in once in awhile to ask how she was doing now that she had moved to a new state and was living alone.  Why wouldn’t they?  Perhaps since they didn’t see her love relationship as a ‘real’ love relationship or marriage, it makes sense that they’d look at the ending of that relationship as unimportant too. 

And, to add insult to injury, they probably, in their own minds, added a dollop of ‘well of course her relationship ended – gay relationships don’t last!’, thus feeling righteous and ‘all is well with the world’ where, in a different home, someone else – their dear daughter or sister – was suffering. 

The invisibility of gay and lesbian divorces

My client’s family didn’t see her ‘divorce’ as a divorce like in the straight world, even though on all levels – emotional, social, financial, physical – my client grieved all of these changes and losses just as deeply as anyone going through the ending of a relationship, whether that be by death, divorce, even choice, etc.

So, what do I mean when I say this client is ‘showing signs of wear’?  She’s got other issues going on, don’t get me wrong.  She’s still grieving the ending of a previous relationship.  Her small business is struggling to grow.  I’ve been coaching her to build a more successful single life, which she is showing signs of progress.  For example, she’s going to more lesbian social events.

However, she is still also seeking too much solace in food.  And last week her doc told her something she’d never heard before:  her blood pressure is borderline high.  She doesn’t smoke or use drugs, but she doesn’t exercise enough.  She’s very busy with her business and taking care of her daily needs (which DOES take more time and energy when you are single).

So, why not blame her behavior choices?  Because I think her family is very much a part of the equation.  She’s become so ‘careful’ when she’s around them; to not offend, to be gracious and kind, that she’s being too much of a doormat with them still.  And, of course she ‘edits’ herself around her family.  She doesn’t feel comfortable saying alot of things because she is waiting to hear family say ‘do it’ first.  And, she feels hurt and perhaps, ‘gives up’ or ‘stuffs it’ when she thinks about how her parents, siblings, in laws, etc. view her. 

I suspect that all of this trying to make nice so people will approve of her or love her more is eating her up inside.  Over time, this has led her body’s ‘fight or flight’ system to run ragged and now it is showing signs of ‘wear and tear’.  Perhaps this woman’s experience is a microcosm of why many lesbian women are susceptible to certain health problems?

The cost of being inauthentic catches up with all of us

My client realized recently that her choice over the years to not demand better treatment is haunting her.  She realized this during a very authentic discussion she shared with her mom the other day.  Her mom was trying to explain why the family had a hard time with her ‘lifestyle’, and of course, as usual, offered the bitter pill of: “but at least we’ve never disowned you!”  As if this was supposed to be a comfort.

My client’s mom then said that perhaps one of the reasons they’d never evolved in terms of greater acceptance and celebration of my client was ‘because we got used to it being the way it was’.  Meaning:  my client had allowed it!

I was proud of my client because she was able, during this discussion, to express to her mom that this wasn’t enough anymore and that the problem needing resolution here lay within the family members not her!  And, she suggested to her mom that she start to get out there and meet other parents of adult gay kids.  She told her mom about PFLAG and even lent her mom a book on the subject with the statement ‘I sure hope you follow up by reading some of this book’.

Together we are an ocean, but each of us drops must do our part

All of this reminded me of a remark Martina Navratilova made a couple of weeks ago during her award acceptance speech at the NGLCC’s National Dinner.  Martina stated, and I quote,

“I don’t want homosexual rights.  I want equal rights, period!  It’s not about gay rights, it’s about human rights.”

During Martina’s speech, she also kidded about other’s thinking they have a right to talk about me and who I am as a ‘lifestyle’.  I am very fed up with that one too!

The bottom line is this:  As Martina also shared, we can’t expect the world to accept us, unless we first accept ourselves.  She says we can all do more, our part.  She also likened each of us to a drop in the ocean.  She said that the ocean is made of millions and millions of drops, and each of us is just one.  Her dream is for all those drops coming together.

I also say it another way – this is OUR world too and it’s time to stand up and take what’s ours!  We can’t wait for someone to gift it to us.  Because apparently, they never will…

Back to my client.  We’re going to work on all of the above in the weeks ahead and I’ll be sharing more about her story as it unfolds.  Her highest priority is getting that blood pressure thing straightened out.  I’ll be supporting her efforts to do so.

Have an ‘authentically loving’ weekend!

Barb Elgin

The Dalai is now speaking to the audience, from a prepared speech.  He started off with much humor (mostly about himself and his English).  He states he insists that he speak today in English, although his command of the language is poor!  He says he started learning English in the 1940′s and, at 72, still doesn’t speak it well.  I disagree.  He is having alot of fun making light of his mistakes while reading.

We should thank him for respecting Americans enough to put his ego aside in this way!  This is no small feat, is it?  Put yourself in his shoes:  if another country was awarding you a medal, could you go there and do a speech in their language?

By the way, there was a hysterically funny (to me at least!) moment.  Dalai was very gracious and thankful to those who gave him the award, but he was able to sneak in, without really offending anyone (too much I hope!) that ‘these people’ (meaning politicians) have a tendency to lie, however most of them have many strengths and need to be appreciated for their contributions.  The Dalai has a courageously funny spirit, doesn’t he!?!

I am impressed that we are awarding the Dalai Lama this medal.  I like that we are acknowledging a very visible, NON-Christian leader/figure!  I am especially happy our republican president is a part of this ceremony.  Yes, there are political reasons – President Bush spoke earlier today and, while I didn’t hear his speech, I did catch him saying something about improving relationships with China and I am hoping he will follow the Dalai’s lead in his message of ‘Prosperity and Peace’ (perhaps diplomacy?) and not up the ante with a threat to go to war.

Again, what I really liked upon hearing about this event, is the honoring of a spiritual leader other than a Christian one.  Christianity is a major faith on the planet and, in America, but it is by far the only one.  There are hundreds of faiths.  In honoring the Dalai in this way, American leaders show their respect for having diverse faiths work together and find their commonalities (instead of their differences), which is the usual order of the day.

I am glad to see American leaders openly associate themselves with the Dalai.  We need this in America.  I’m sure this award rankles some Christian fundamentalist leaders.  Too bad!  We are a nation founded upon religious pluralism and individual freedom and privacy to practice our spiritual faith as each of us desires.

Here are some of the compelling values/principles the Dalai mentioned in his talk that I think bear repeating…

• non-violence
• inter-religious understanding
• spiritual freedom
• liberty
• truth
• justice
• costs of democracy
• respect for human rights

Wahoo!  Here’s a victory for humanity today!  A bright light indeed…Does anyone know if Richard Gere was there!?!

For those of you who wonder where the Dalai Lama stands on the issue of homosexuality, he is affirmative!  He’s spoken openly about his support of the human rights of GLBT’s for years and has often met with the GLBT community.  He is particularly concerned about violence perpetrated against GLBT’s due to people’s prejudices and misunderstanding.