Okay, so I’m stuck inside, the weather’s gorgeous and I’d rather be at the pool playing water volleyball right now (instead I had to settle for being Suzy Homemaker – vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen!  Ha!  Burns calories just as well).

I’m on a writing moratorium today. I’m already committed to getting caught up on my articles for One Good Love’s popular E-zine for relationship-minded gays and lesbians.

I’ve got my doggie lying behind me snoring.  Believe it or not, she’s found a new way to cuddle up to me while I work,  She squeezes her – luckily – small body – behind me on the office chair!  Cute, or what?  If only I could find a woman so loyal and into snuggling!  

And on the TV is the Oxygen channel.  Two, a bit dated, but cute movies have been playing in the background today, as I write.  Both stood out to me as movies for women 40 and up, and they are just as full of true-isms as when they were first released.

The first is ‘Must Like Dogs’, the 2005 movie starring Diane Lane, who is middle aged and back on the singles market.  Online dating was much newer then and was highlighted during this chick flick.

‘Must Like Dogs’ ending was sweet – Diane’s character fell for the guy who was more into her than she was into him.  Well, who knows if she fell for him at the end, but she eventually realized how much he really cared for her and, that hooked her.

The other movie is ‘The First Wives Club’, the iconic, 1996 classic with a bevvy of stars including Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and more.

Having been twice a gay divorcee, I can relate to much of these character’s resentment, even though their exes are men.

The First Wives Club was so popular then and now because it is a story reflecting so many of life’s challenges, when it comes to love…

• betrayal
• going through the stages of loss including denial, anger, resentment and revenge, as well as sadness
• losing confidence
• regaining one’s mojo through a combination of leaning on one’s social supports, learning from others who’ve risen above their loss (ie: Ivana Trump tells them to ‘not get mad, get everything’), laughing through the pain, and moving on with a renewed sense of sexiness and power
• being more confident THIS TIME in love – for example: being more assertive with new partners
• remembering those still struggling with confidence by ‘giving back’ and starting a crisis center for women

Wow – in the movie Bette Midler goes to a gay bar with her newly-out-to-her lesbian daughter and commiserates with a middle-aged lesbian crying over the loss of her 18 year partner to ‘a teenager who weighs 12 pounds’.  Can anyone reading this relate!?!  Ultimately, Bette’s character is finding out that, gay or straight, loves and losses are similar, no matter what a person’s sexual orientation is.

And, by the way, recently, the myth that women over 40 have a lesser chance of finding love than getting hit by a bus was debunked.  This is especially true in the lesbian community.

No, it is true that it’s tough being noticed when you are 40 or over, even in the lesbian community.  In some ways it seems the lesbian social and media scene has become more like the straight and, gay male scene – overly-focused on youth, materialism, partying, etc. This shouldn’t surprise anyone – our community is a reflection of the wider society.

So, the long and short of my meanderings in this post is this: Keep the faith.  In life, in love and, most importantly…IN YOURSELF.

Speaking of this very topic of believing in yourself, I’m offering a FREE 60 minute tele-seminar this coming week (two times – one on Tuesday night and the other on Thursday night) on

10 Steps to Finding Your Soul Mate

It’ll be a lot of fun.  Learn from the comfort and privacy of home.  Ask the love coach (moi!), any question you want about love, dating, getting over your ex, etc.

If you want more information, just email me and I’ll send you details so you can attend.

- Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show, Friday 1/22/10

Wow!  I just watched Conan O’Brien finish his last Tonight Show on NBC.  I was touched by his parting words (which he then followed by playing the electric guitar while Will Farrell in a blond Lynyrd Skynyrd wig sang ‘Freebyrd’ ).  Yesterday, I thought some of his skits, where he claimed he was ‘spending huge sums of NBC money’, were for real.  The joke was on me!

Conan went out with class.  He took the high road without giving much of his bargaining power away.  On one hand, I don’t feel sorry for him – anyone receiving the amount of money, fame and notoriety he does shouldn’t be pitied.  In addition, all of us know he will rise from the ashes somewhere and, NBC will most likely miss him (and maybe even regret his leaving).

What most touched me about Conan’s final words during the final minutes of this final show was the heart of his message…

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.  But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.

Wow!  Truer, more philosophical words will never be spoken.  For those of us who naively believe we can, with sheer will and effort, completely control our tomorrows, well, you know what Conan would say.

Case in point: Conan had an ongoing contract with NBC.  However, as Conan learned, even a solid, legal contract can be broken, or, re-negotiated, as we have seen.

I think Conan’s heartbreak regarding the loss of the Tonight Show is similar to love.  We can do everything in the world to make someone love us (or try to make them continue to love us).  Surely, we think, if we are ‘beautiful enough’, or ‘wonderful enough’, as a husband, wife or partner, our partner’s devotion to us will continue.  And, at least half of the time, it will.

But, we just don’t know, for sure, even if we get married and we promise each other forever.  Particularly in today’s world, where we pay homage to lower values such as…

• distraction, endless opportunity/distorted ideas of beauty and temptation (airbrushed women online and in magazines, online social and dating networks, which are threatening many a relationship – just ‘trade in’ or ‘throw away’ your relationship and ‘order up’ a new, ‘better’ one)
• ‘over’ focus on exteriors (looks, youth, wealth, what you have rather than who you are)
• under focus on character and values  (i.e.: commitment, deeper, lasting love), often to the detriment of what’s truly important, lasting and sustainable.

As angry or as sad as we get, it will not change the fact that sometimes, we must be ready to, as Conan says…

Accept that we are not going to get exactly what we thought we were going to get.

But, here’s the – positive – rub (experienced by Conan this week as he received amazing support from the world)…

When we accept change, loss or the unexpected, and, go with it, we can move forward and be open to whatever amazing things can happen for (and to) us.

Best wishes to you Conan!  Enjoy some R&R time.  I look forward to seeing what your next amazing comedy opportunity will be!

Barb Elgin
Coach Sappho’s Love Books Talk Series
Starts 1/28/10
http://www.coachsappho.com/help/bookclubinfo.php

Photo: Associated Press