A fascinating book has just come out that, for once, sheds a positive light on the state of marriage in America.  Hurray for a book that looks at love with the ‘half glass full’ for once.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t read the book yet.  Can’t wait to though.  In the meantime, a great review on Salon.com gives us a peek into the book, written by Tara Parker-Pope.  The book is called

For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness

According to the article and other reviews, Parker-Pope has done a great job of combing the research to lay certain myths to rest, especially the one that says 50% of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce.  Instead she reports that the percentage varies based on a number of factors, for example

“The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married
in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent.”

Well now, that’s refreshing isn’t it?  Reminds me how often we take what we hear too literally.  Now one idea mentioned in the Times article did jump out and slap me in the face:  the results of research does suggest if you or your partner snores (and it bothers the other), it could create a big drain on your relationship.  Reminded me of catching part of the TV show ‘The Marriage Ref’ last week where the wife snored and wouldn’t admit it, even though it was obviously having a very detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship.

I hope you’ll read the book and comment here on your thoughts.

I especially look forward to any references to marriage equality and/or gay marriage in the book.  I know Parker-Pope makes a comment in the review about the high breakup rate in the early years, amongst gay and lesbian couples, which she seems to attribute not to anything wrong with gay couples, but to not having enough ties that bind.  Hmmm…..

You know, one of the trends I observe in working with couples in the lesbian community is a lack of positive, visible role models.  Visible lesbian couples with a successful track record are hard to find, not because they don’t exist, but because the ‘gay’ issue is still a controversial one in our society.

For example, I know lesbian couples who are happy and healthy together, they’re just not that ‘out’ or ‘vocal’ about it.  Or, some of us know (or have heard) about these lesbian couples in our local communities, or in communities outside of our own.

So often I’ll ask a lesbian couple I’m working with if they know of a lesbian couple they admire.  Most often they mention a straight couple (which is fine), if they’re aware of one at all, but many report that they don’t know any couples – gay or straight – that they’d like to emulate.

Why do I think lesbian couple role models are so important?  Because those of us in the relationship coaching industry know how important role models are – a necessary success ingredient most lesbian couples don’t have the luxury of accessing. 

And, because many of us (and many of our detractors) wonder if there is such a thing as a gay or lesbian relationship that lasts and is happy too.  Unless we speak out more about the amazing relationships we are sharing, and hear about them as well, we wonder if they exist.  And, detractors can say the experience of great lesbian love partnerships don’t exist!

I’d like to change this reality.  I’d like more lesbian couples to know other lesbian couples who are thriving.  I’d like to connect happy lesbian couples with less happy lesbian couples. 

I’d like to be able to SHOW single lesbians and young lesbian women that there is something really cool to look forward to, in their love lives, and I believe it’s possible, with the right information and support!

I’d like everyone to know that there are stellar lesbian couples out there.  So, if you are a couple who considers your relationship a success (or you know a couple you’d like to nominate), please email me and let me know.  I’ll be interviewing lots of couples in the months ahead and sharing those interviews with you.

Afterall, arent’ you curious what makes a successful lesbian love relationship tick?

And, if you are part of a successful lesbian relationship, don’t you want to share the ‘secrets of your success’ with others?  If for no other reason than to ‘toot your own horn’ or let others know what you’ve learned so that they don’t have to ‘reinvent the wheel’.

Again, there is no lack of role models in our community, just a lack of VISIBLE role models.  All of us know of lesbian couples who have triumphed over all sorts of adversity, have been together years and are still together and ‘in love’.

Tell me about them!

Barb Elgin