Just like you, I’ve been quite concerned about the current economic realities.  This post is directed at those wonderful single lesbians who are seeking a life partner or soul mate in these tough economic times.

There has been a curious spike in profits for a couple of industries, I hear.  One is the liquor industry.  Ha!  I won’t cover the reasons for that one, as well as the potential pitfalls, in this post.  However, the other industry that is faring well in these challenging economic times is the online dating industry!

I’ve been hearing about the rapid increase in sign ups at online dating sites.  Just what is this spike in interest in online dating about, particularly in a time when many people are tightening their budgets?

From where I sit it’s obvious: Many single people feel even more vulnerable than usual, as compared to families and couples, right now.  What, you say?  Isn’t it more challenging for families right now?  Well, I’m not saying it’s not a tough time for lower and middle class families.

But, even more vulnerable economically, socially and health-wise are singles.  It’s true.  I’m single, so I can relate.  Why is that?  Don’t single people have it ‘free and easy’?  Don’t single people have tons of time on their hands because they don’t have a relationship or children to tend to each day?

Well, number one here is that we are assuming all single lesbians are childless.  That just ain’t so.  A significant percentage of single lesbians have one or more children.  These single women may be even more stressed and vulnerable than single lesbians without children.

Here is why many singles are more stressed out than couples or families when it comes to living: When you are part of a ‘team’, whether that team is a couple or a family, you have more resources to draw upon.

For example: when you are single, your food budget is about the same as for a couple.  However, here is where the similarities end.  When you are single, you have to come home every day after being the only one available to take time to make the grocery list and shop for that food, fix your meals and clean up after you eat!  Couples have each other to take turns and/or rely on for help with these ‘activities of daily survival’ that never go away.

When you are a couple, you often have two paychecks to put towards those groceries and, perhaps one of you has more time to do some of the housework that always falls 100% on the single person.

The reality is that, on average, singles probably have LESS TIME for enjoyment or relaxation (or sleep!) than your typical coupled person!  Singles have to be more organized because they have less time to be unfocused.

This is just a small example of the realities facing single lesbians.  And this state of affairs is probably true for the majority of single lesbians, who aren’t independently wealthy and who don’t have the high paying jobs, thus they aren’t able to afford eating out at restaurants, hiring a housekeeper, etc.

Here’s the point of today’s post – single ladies, because you ARE alone, you need to become more aware of the dating traps you are more vulnerable to right now.  Why? Because you may be unknowingly rushing the dating and ‘pre-commitment’ processes to get out of the ‘being single, stressed out and alone’ category!

Just because the economy and your pocketbook may be suffering, that doesn’t mean you should jump to get partnered up with just anyone.

Did you read the above sentence carefully? Either way, go back and read it again.  Here’s what I’m suggesting you need to consider:  regardless of the economy, you need to follow the same guidelines I always teach about dating and life partner selection, IF your longer range goal is building a deeply satisfying, LONG TERM relationship with another woman.

More than ever you need to know what dating traps you are especially vulnerable to and how to date to find a life partner you CAN build and nurture a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in today’s world.

I’ll be saying more about all of this in my next post!

Have a great Sunday!

Barb Elgin

As another day passes and we hear more ‘doom and gloom’ from our TV’s, the internet and such, I believe this is one of those times that we will look back upon as a time where we became more loving, yet strong souls.  Indeed, in our parent’s times, perhaps they referred to times like now as

Make it or Break it Time

We’ve certainly now begun to see (and many of us have begun to experience) the ‘barren soil’ and dying vegetation that has come from ‘irrational exuberance’ and, perhaps, a type of greed and lack of accountability that has characterized our political and economic systems in recent years.

While all of us no doubt have been touched to some degree by these elements, I want to remind you that these are times where it is possible for us to become stronger, especially emotionally and mentally.

Mentally and emotionally, you ask?  “How can I feel more confident when I’ve lost my job and I don’t where my next mortgage payment is going to come from?”

Times like these are the ones that make us stronger, if we choose to reach down inside and find our brilliance.  That’s right…

While I am more liberal than conservative (I really hate both terms), I am also more conservative than liberal (figure that one out)!  What this means is that I tend to agree with those who say we’ve all, as a society, gotten away from cultivating the ‘higher’ aspects of our character.

Obviously, we need to grow up more as a society when it comes to things like sex (where we go from one extreme – repression – to the other – far too much expression) and sexual orientation (too many of us still don’t ‘get it’ that being gay is as normal in the universe as being not gay).

When it comes to our beliefs about religious practice, too many of us think ‘our way is the only way’ and we end up in wars over our god (or gods and goddesses).  And where we criticize those who, perhaps thoughtfully, question the point of any religion that seems to create problems.  When we think our problems are black and white (that all government intervention is bad and all capitalism is good).

And, where we go to extremes financially, instead of finding some sane balance. For example, in order for our economy and for each of our lives to improve, at times we do need some credit extended our way – to buy a home, start a business, go to school, etc. We need a balance – but instead, apparently, in recent years, too much credit became too easy to get.  And, where greedy real estate speculation was also a part of what’s come home to roost today. 

And we’ve become most likely too kind to corporations and even whole industries.  Where we allow companies to become unprofitable and then we bail them out, often more than once.  And, where we don’t expect any accountability in return.

So, are you ready to use this challenging time to grow your soul? That part of you that is indestructible at it’s core?  Will your ‘phoenix’ self rise out of the ashes?  Can you figure out a way to survive and, even thrive, without becoming greedy with expectations in the process?

To what degree is ‘destruction’ inevitable as we create?  And, will you choose to act with some sort of ethical standard despite your fear?  Can you become successful without becoming arrogant?

Don’t you wonder what someone like Tim Russert would have to say about times like these?

I was just saying to my mom last night: here we are uncovering how corrupt and bankrupt many of our companies still are, even as I remember just a few years back that, after Enron, companies were supposedly working to become more ‘transparent’ and ‘responsible members’ of the various communities and constituencies they served.  Whatever happened to that so-called new mentality?  True ‘lip service’, I guess.

Okay, so before I get too far ‘out there’ on this topic, let me get back to my point: how does all of this babble relate to you and your life? From a larger perspective I would say no matter what things look like right now: believe you have whatever it takes to survive and, even, prosper, despite the economy looking like a desert right now.

And get moving to make that happen!  Even if this means that part of what you choose to do includes jobs that are at least ‘legal’, even if you aren’t that thrilled about, like, putting your dream business on the second burner for awhile or asking for help from a relative to pay an overdue bill.  See – a few years ago it was all about ‘do what you love’.  Now it’s about doing what you need to do, within limits, to survive!  I guess the buddhists have it right – sometimes you’ve just got to ‘wash the dishes’!

But whatever you do, don’t betray your character in the process.  Experts are saying that times like these DO bring out the best in many people.  Read stories about human resiliency.  Learn about what people, given unbelievable challenges, do to overcome them.  Have faith in the strength of your spirit…

And, in that same vein, here are some gentle, very ‘common sense’ reminders for dealing with financial stress:

Get real with where you stand financially.

• If you are already in the ‘danger zone’ when it comes to your finances, don’t deny that you are in trouble.  Deal with it, but be careful: get wise counsel BEFORE you plan and take action.  Don’t jump from the proverbial ‘frying pan into the fire’.  Learn your best options and the pros and cons of each.  Don’t let feelings of failure creep up and have you ‘avoiding’ dealing with your situation.  Most creditors DO respond to a positive attitude, and a willingness to negotiate, when it is eventually followed up by results.
• If you are getting into dangerous territory financially, start right away to correct your situation as best as you can.  Again, perhaps wise counsel is needed.  If you aren’t on a budget, most likely you need to be.  There are plenty of resources out there to help you, just be sure you utilize legitimate ones.  How do you know if a resource is legitimate?  Check with places like your state’s consumer issues or rights divisions.  If you decide to seek professional financial advice, be sure you research where and what wise/competent help is and be sure you get it.  All of this information applies to your personal and business (if applicable) situations.
• If you are doing okay given today’s financial realities, take really strong preventive action now, however you need to, to avoid getting into the trouble zone.  There are probably things you can do.  The least you can do is watch your spending more carefully if you haven’t been, in the past.
• Lastly, if you are one of the lucky few to find yourself better off than ever or comfortable, be grateful.  And, make sure you too review your financial plan to be sure there aren’t any smoldering ashes waiting to ignite.

Now, how does all of this financial talk relate to becoming a more gentle, yet strong soul? Surviving in today’s world does take guts, lots of hard work and, yes, some luck.  So does succeeding (which I would define as ‘survival plus’).  There are many temptations out there.  Most of us have fallen prey to some of them at least once. Have greater trust in yourself and life.  Again, believe you can make it through these difficult times.

Believe you have a resourcefulness that will see you through.  Act upon that resourcefulness.  Don’t be a lone ranger.  Find others who share your values.  Support one another emotionally.  Don’t resort to losing who you are, your values and your character, out of fear.

I also believe that you can.  You can get out there and find the intersection between what you love to do and something that people are interested in paying you for.  I believe that each of us needs to be more ‘conscious’ about the agreements we are making.  Whether you consciously agree to something or not in your life, you ARE agreeing to something.

That’s what our government needs to remember.  That’s what businesses need to remember.  It all boils down to this:  in order to survive and thrive, there must be some measure of order, and relationships based on shared agreement.

Similar to what it takes to create a deeply satisfying, and lasting relationship with another person.  In order for your life to be deeply satisfying, you’ve got to be more gentle, and yet, strong, with yourself!

I’ll leave you with a favorite Wayne Dyer quote…

Happiness isn’t a destination.  Happiness is the way….