So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?  -ABC’s Jake Tapper.

I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

I know it’s been a tough week for equality, fairness and for gay Californians especially.  The rest of the country is looking on, and doing all it can to be supportive.  That includes me, here in Florida.

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today.  The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times.  That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do.  That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast.  I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

(more…)

I was pleased to see that Dr. Peter Beilenson (who I remember as the Director of Health in Baltimore City, my home town) was quoted recently in the Washington Post for defining the lack of allowing same sex partners to marry as a ‘public health’ problem!  Now I know why I always loved this guy.

According to Beilenson…

“…what about the strong body of evidence that married couples fare much better, both physically and psychologically, than unmarried, cohabiting couples? This evidence alone illustrates that denying same-sex couples access to civil marriage is, quite simply, relegating them to inferior health status.”

Beilenson doesn’t stop there.  What he said next really made me mad about marriage inequality…

“Compared with unmarried partners, married couples have lower rates of depression and substance abuse, make fewer doctor visits, and suffer lower rates of overall mortality. Elderly married adults have lower health-care costs and have a lower likelihood of needing nursing-home care. Children of married parents do better as well — experiencing better physical health into adulthood.”

As Beilenson says, how can we as a society deny certain members of our community these ‘protections’, protections heterosexually married citizens take for granted?  Hey – I pay taxes too and am no different from straight couples who do.

And yet, I am denied this choice. Some might say each individual cannot be reduced to a health statistic, but the facts are thus: because I can’t choose to marry the person I desire, because I am denied that choice, I may be more at risk for some of the health problems Beilenson mentions above.

I was just talking with a gay Californian today who, even though they were single, said they felt, for the first time, like a whole person, after passage of Proposition 8.  This story illustrates the health benefits of choice.

Be sure you read the entire article here.  And, the direct link is here – http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/14/AR2009031401559.html

I just took a minute to check the news and voila…some amazing news just hit the airwaves:

Vermont has become the 4th state in America to legalize gay marriage!

Wow – how, you ask, did that happen?  Particularly when most of us were resigned to the fact Vermont’s  anti-gay governor’s veto would turn back the legislature’s majority vote?  Well -there’s a law in Vermont that states if enough of a majority of the legislature weighs in, in favor of a measure, a governor’s veto can be overcome.  And, that’s exactly what happened!

I read this just at the same time they are talking on MSNBC that a recent poll shows only 23% of America states they are republicans.  Obviously, this is a time those who think from a republican mindset need to evaluate their positions.  Rush Limbaugh are you listening?

Click here for more details on the Vermont vote.

I don’t know about you but I am constantly reminded how important it is for all fair-minded US citizens to press forward in the battle for marriage equality.  Today was no different.  In one day, I saw three stories highlighting the obvious unfairness and inequality gay and lesbian singles and couples (and ‘widows’ of a gay or lesbian partner) face financially, because they can’t marry.

These real life reports reinforce perfectly my Suze Orman post from the other day, when she spoke out on the unfairness of denying anyone the financial benefits marriage provides…

• A fight may be brewing on the provision of benefits to the same sex partners of federal employees – In the news today is evidence of the ‘brewing’ focus on the issue of same sex partner benefits for federal goverment employees.  (more…)

Coming across my desk today are two worth-mentioning posts on the all-so-important practical aspects of living and loving – relationship agreements and estate and tax planning.  As lesbian couples become more celebratory of their relationships, they will hunger for this sort of information.  I, as always, am ‘thinking ahead’ for you!

Be sure to check both of these resources out BEFORE you check your Myspace, Facebook pages or post on Twitter today:

• Estate and Tax Planning for LGBT’s – great information, just in time for tax season!  Thanks to my colleagues over at the Lesbian Dating and Relationships blog for the heads up.

• Jaysays interview of Merle Horowitz’s book on ‘cohabitation agreements’.  Thanks to my bud Genia Stevens over at gaywallet.com for this information.

Eat these up!  Your relationship (or next relationship) depends on getting a handle on subjects such as these!   As Jaysays post title sums all of this up perfectly:  “Love is Love, but business is business.”  Whether you accept it or not, and whether you ever get married or legalize your relationship in some way or not, when you join your life with another person, business IS part of your relationship.  Mark my words.

Traditionally, women didn’t often handle the ‘money’ and ‘decision making’ aspects of their love relationships and most of us, as women, still have that ‘limiting belief’ floating around in our subconsciousnesses.  Someone, some may argue it was men, blinded our ancestral sisters to the practical aspects of our love relationships with romantic, ‘happily ever after’ fantasies.

We still believe some of these things, but, we need to stop having our heads in the clouds when it comes to money and love.  We CAN ‘live happily ever after’, however, it takes some planning…

Barb Elgin

Given recent events in the U.S. regarding gay marriage, I do wonder…

Where do we go from here?

Certainly, at some time in the future, all gay Americans will have the right to marry someone of the same sex.  But, what do those of us who don’t live in Massachusetts do in the meantime?  What do couples do?

I believe gay and lesbian couples should ‘fake it till they make it’.  What do I mean by this wise old Alcoholics Anonymous phrase?

I believe that each and every gay and lesbian couple should move forward AS IF they are married!  Why wait for the law to catch up?  Yes, so what if a bunch of stupid laws try to stop you from loving fully who you want?  I say, you don’t have to let the laws stop you from being proud of the love you are building together.  I say, you must do all you can to more deeply value your life partnership, even if you can’t get married right now.

There is so much more you can probably do to

• treasure
• celebrate, and
• nurture

your bond, regardless of what anyone else does or says and regardless of current laws.

If you believe in a creator, just know that the creator isn’t concerned about man-made attempts to regulate your love life.  Your love transcends any earthly laws.

You know what:  I have a gut feeling if more of us would take a more active approach in exhibiting publicly our commitment to one another (as in, what is the next step we can take to deepen our commitment?), we’d speed up passage of full marriage rights for all Americans.  Just as in coming out as individuals do we change the world, I believe we could do so on the partnership level as well!

Why do I say so?  Because I believe in taking our relationships more seriously by taking action to

• sign up for the domestic partnership registry in your town if you have one (and, if not, see if there is a group active in your area focusing on passage of such a law and join the effort!)
• create relationship agreements with your partner using the support of an attorney and/or mediator
• do all you can legally to protect your bond, it’s assets and your partner, should you predecease him or her
• have a public civil union
• get married in a gay-affirmative church (even if it isn’t legal), complete with reception and honeymoon
• continue to get more active politically in your state re: gay marriage rights (ally with the organizations who are already working on this – they are smart and know how to tackle the issue next)
• sign up for domestic partnership benefits on the job
• etc., etc., etc.

And, the cool thing is this – you could do all of this, NOT to prove a point, but to more deeply treasure, nurture and celebrate your bond!  That in itself would be a reward.  That’s right!  When you practice commitment in your relationship, you are ensuring it’s continued health and happiness.  Marriage is just a piece of paper, and weddings just get a relationship off the ground, but commitment is what keeps a relationship going long and strong!

By the way – it’s National Coming Out Day tomorrow.  I hope you will celebrate by being more truthful about who you are.  If you are single, be sure to tell someone you’ve been wanting to be more honest with, someone you gauge as relatively safe to come out to, that you are a proud, gay American and single lesbian. 

If you are a couple, what can the two of you do to express your love more openly to the world tomorrow???

I leave you now with a touching letter written by my dear colleague, Dan Furmansky, who is the executive director of Equality Maryland.  Dan wrote the letter this past week following the disappointing ruling from the Maryland Supreme Court who deemed that it’s okay to discriminate against gays who not just want to marry but who need the protections this legal term carries…

From Washington Jewish Week

I’ve tired of fighting for dignity, respect – by Dan Furmansky
Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I lost some faith last week. The freedom to marry is a fundamental right being recognized around the world, but last week, Maryland’s highest court upheld the state’s ban on marriage for same-sex couples, dashing the hopes of countless families to be treated the same as their neighbors. The legal opinion was demeaning, employing flimsy reasoning to reach its tortured conclusion that the provisions of equality in our Constitution do not apply to everyone.

My personal investment is more than that I am a gay man, though that alone would warrant my feelings of disappointment. I helped birth this legal challenge 3 1/2 years ago with my organization, Equality Maryland, and the American Civil Liberties Union of Maryland.

I took on the challenge as a spiritual activist, facing clergy and legislators who refer to gays and lesbians as “ungodly” and “immoral.” I’ve spoken in numerous places of worship, and always do my best to channel God to help people understand both the legal and spiritual disenfranchisement at stake. I am close with the plaintiff couples in the litigation, some of whom are like family and fellow soldiers.

The press conference that followed the ruling felt like a shiva as the couples fought back tears and dealt with the reality that social justice would not be served, and for some, that their children would continue to be denied basic securities. It was a harried week of media, strategic planning and rallies that allowed me no chance to breathe. I was numb. Then, I was angry at the four-judge majority.

When I went to shul for Kol Nidre three evenings later, I realized the depth of my heartache, for I failed to steel my heart for the possibility that a just government could turn its back on the needs and hopes of people joined in love or on a path in search of it. The rabbi sermonized about how we change our perception of, and identification with, God based upon our own life experiences and emotional needs. While I tried to take the rabbi’s words to heart and began my fast with spiritual intentions, by late that night, I had fully realized anger at God.

On Saturday, I slept until noon and ate at 2:30.

I failed to honor Yom Kippur because I was angry at an existence that allows this injustice. Yet, being angry in such a way meant I was out of sync with my God beliefs. The God I perceive cannot be described as omniscient or vengeful – my God is not well described at all with adjectives attributable to the human condition. “Victim” is not a word I seek to identify with myself or with any group to which I belong. It became clear that it made little sense for me to be angry at God. I let go the best I could, but days later, remnants of this feeling remain.

My heart is broken because I am tired of fighting for dignity and respect when we have existed in every culture at every time. My heart is broken because employment discrimination against us is still legal in most states, courts take away our children and people feel it’s acceptable to make moral pronouncements about us in the form of sermons, constitutional amendments, discharges from the military and smashed car windows.

As for denying marriage equality, my Lord, it’s difficult enough to find one’s b’shert in life without worrying that society will make it difficult for you once you do. Denying equal marriage rights – besides stigmatizing children and their parents – can mean denial of health insurance and medical decision-making rights. There is no way to sponsor a foreign-born partner to stay in the country. There are no guarantees to make post-mortem decisions if a partner dies, and there are crippling taxes for inheriting jointly owned property from a nonspouse.

There is no entitlement to access a deceased partner’s social security benefits, no ability to inherit without wills and the threat that wills could be challenged by anti-gay relatives with legal standing as family.

As those of us affected by this ruling struggle to maintain our faith in justice, please consider channeling extra tikkun olam this new year. Make your congregation a welcoming one. Make this social justice movement your own. Help bring love, healing and fairness to your gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

Dan Furmansky is the executive director of Equality Maryland.