I’ve been taking a break from my blogging lately, if you hadn’t noticed. I apologize if you’ve missed me!

And, I just returned from Christmas celebrations, mostly enjoyed up north with family and friends. While I was away, the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) happened. I am amazed at how it all came together ultimately.  Aren’t you?  Of course, ask those central to making this happen and you will hear how ‘blood, sweat and tears’ it took to make DADT go away.

Driving home yesterday, I happened to listen in on a conservative radio station. Of course, they believe repeal of DADT is immoral.  And, those of us who believe the opposite believe DADT was what was immoral.  I know one thing:  I’m grateful we have a democratic President in office awhile.   I agree with Rachel Maddow, who recently said, ‘DADT caused massive damage to many lives.’

Apparently, President Obama, who has publicly stated he doesn’t believe in gay marriage, is even reconsidering that other very controversial anti-gay federal law – The Defense of Marriage Act.  He is even reconsidering gay marriage.  During an interview after signing the repeal of DADT he was asked by reporter Jake Tapper:

So, if gays can fight and die for their country, why can’t they marry people they love?

Yes, indeed.  Why can’t they?  I would reword his question to say: Why can’t gays and lesbians marry the person they love?  Lest someone start saying:  oh, they want to marry more than one person!?! 

If nothing else, the repeal of DADT reminds me how keeping the faith and keeping one’s ‘eyes on the prize’, even when it’s difficult to do so and defeat seems certain, often brings victory.   I am amazed…

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today.  The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times.  That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do.  That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast.  I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

Evan does amazing work.  He’s an attorney by training, but he is also one of those experts in the marriage equality movement we need to emulate.  Evan’s words restored my faith in knowing that ‘what is right eventually comes to pass’.

If you are flagging in your faith or enthusiasm, I’d suggest you listen to my interview with Evan.  Click here to get your copy.  Just note the interview was done in early 2008, before the California supreme court ruled for equal marriage the first time (pre-Prop 8).

What I loved about this interview was Evan’s way of comparing the same sex marriage issue to other civil right’s issues our country has resolved.  Evan is sure eventually America will be inclusive of same sex marriage as well.  During the interview Evan gives many historical examples.  Great stuff.  And, I was so proud of my listeners who asked Evan some great questions!

Secondly, two items crossed my computer this week that I thought shed light on all that is good, ‘right’ and positive about gay marriage:

1)  A new study on gay married couples in Massachusetts reveals marriage matters – A new study being released this week that interviewed some of the first American gay couples given the right to marry shows the many ways marriage is positive, for gay couples, their children and the community at large.

Gay marriage matters:

According to Beilenson…

“…what about the strong body of evidence that married couples fare much better, both physically and psychologically, than unmarried, cohabiting couples? This evidence alone illustrates that denying same-sex couples access to civil marriage is, quite simply, relegating them to inferior health status.”

Beilenson doesn’t stop there.  What he said next really made me mad about marriage inequality…

“Compared with unmarried partners, married couples have lower rates of depression and substance abuse, make fewer doctor visits, and suffer lower rates of overall mortality. Elderly married adults have lower health-care costs and have a lower likelihood of needing nursing-home care. Children of married parents do better as well — experiencing better physical health into adulthood.”

As Beilenson says, how can we as a society deny certain members of our community these ‘protections’, protections heterosexually married citizens take for granted?  Hey – I pay taxes too and am no different from straight couples who do.

And yet, I am denied this choice. Some might say each individual cannot be reduced to a health statistic, but the facts are thus: because I can’t choose to marry the person I desire, because I am denied that choice, I may be more at risk for some of the health problems Beilenson mentions above.

I was just talking with a gay Californian today who, even though they were single, said they felt, for the first time, like a whole person, after passage of Proposition 8.  This story illustrates the health benefits of choice.

Be sure you read the entire article here.  And, the direct link is here – http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/14/AR2009031401559.html

Vermont has become the 4th state in America to legalize gay marriage!

Wow – how, you ask, did that happen?  Particularly when most of us were resigned to the fact Vermont’s  anti-gay governor’s veto would turn back the legislature’s majority vote?  Well -there’s a law in Vermont that states if enough of a majority of the legislature weighs in, in favor of a measure, a governor’s veto can be overcome.  And, that’s exactly what happened!

I read this just at the same time they are talking on MSNBC that a recent poll shows only 23% of America states they are republicans.  Obviously, this is a time those who think from a republican mindset need to evaluate their positions.  Rush Limbaugh are you listening?

Click here for more details on the Vermont vote.

These real life reports reinforce perfectly my Suze Orman post from the other day, when she spoke out on the unfairness of denying anyone the financial benefits marriage provides…

• A fight may be brewing on the provision of benefits to the same sex partners of federal employees – In the news today is evidence of the ‘brewing’ focus on the issue of same sex partner benefits for federal goverment employees.  The New York Times reports in an article this may be a time President Obama will be called on to act on his campaign promises to create a more just country for GLBT’s.  The article describes the plight of two plantiffs, whose financial situations were deeply affected by the lack of benefits.
• In another example, the Advocate referred to photographer Annie Lebowitz as an example of the negative financial consequences gay and lesbian widows face, even after a partner’s death, due to the ‘gay tax’ penalty. According to Shannon Connolly of The Advocate: “Since the death of her partner, Susan Sontag, in 2004, Annie Leibovitz has been suffering the consequences of not having had the legal protections of a marriage. Much of Sontag’s property was left to the renowned portrait photographer who is now paying a large inheritance tax, called the “gay tax” . According to federal law, when one partner in a married couple passes away, the widowed partner does not have to pay taxes on the property they inherit. Leibovitz does not benefit from those protections since her partnership was not legally recognized. The Human Rights Campaign lists the more than 1,000 federal benefits enjoyed by married couples, many of which are health and money-related. Gay couples have, at best, state-level benefits depending on where they live.”

• Lastly, out today are the results of another study, by UCLA’s Williams Institute, challenging the stereotype that all gays and lesbians are more affluent than the general population.  It just ain’t true (at least not across the board), according to the study, which revealed that lesbian couples are more likely to be poor than married heterosexuals, and children of same-sex parents are twice as likely to live in poverty as those of traditional married couples.  I don’t think the fact that the average lesbian couple makes less than the average heterosexual couple would be  such a big surprise.  After all, in addition to all the married benefits lesbians don’t get, women still only make, what is it, 60-some cents to the dollar every man makes right?  No surprise here.  And, what about the fact that children of same-sex parents are more likely to live in poverty?  That figure includes again lesbian couples and gay male couples.  Seems to me somewhere I saw some information that gay men make less than straight men on average, right?  And, they too most often do not get the additional benefits their heterosexual counterparts are ‘gifted’ merely because they are married, such as health insurance for both partners, social security, pension, ability to file as a couple on their taxes, no inheritance taxes, family medical leave, etc.

Sure ought to make you angry!  So, what will YOU do today, to advance marriage equality???  Think about it, and, take action!

TGIF,

Barb Elgin

Be sure to check both of these resources out BEFORE you check your Myspace, Facebook pages or post on Twitter today:

• Estate and Tax Planning for LGBT’s – great information, just in time for tax season!  Thanks to my colleagues over at the Lesbian Dating and Relationships blog for the heads up.

• Jaysays interview of Merle Horowitz’s book on ‘cohabitation agreements’.  Thanks to my bud Genia Stevens over at gaywallet.com for this information.

Eat these up!  Your relationship (or next relationship) depends on getting a handle on subjects such as these!   As Jaysays post title sums all of this up perfectly:  “Love is Love, but business is business.”  Whether you accept it or not, and whether you ever get married or legalize your relationship in some way or not, when you join your life with another person, business IS part of your relationship.  Mark my words.

Traditionally, women didn’t often handle the ‘money’ and ‘decision making’ aspects of their love relationships and most of us, as women, still have that ‘limiting belief’ floating around in our subconsciousnesses.  Someone, some may argue it was men, blinded our ancestral sisters to the practical aspects of our love relationships with romantic, ‘happily ever after’ fantasies.

We still believe some of these things, but, we need to stop having our heads in the clouds when it comes to money and love.  We CAN ‘live happily ever after’, however, it takes some planning…

Barb Elgin

Where do we go from here?

Certainly, at some time in the future, all gay Americans will have the right to marry someone of the same sex.  But, what do those of us who don’t live in Massachusetts do in the meantime?  What do couples do?

I believe gay and lesbian couples should ‘fake it till they make it’.  What do I mean by this wise old Alcoholics Anonymous phrase?

I believe that each and every gay and lesbian couple should move forward AS IF they are married!  Why wait for the law to catch up?  Yes, so what if a bunch of stupid laws try to stop you from loving fully who you want?  I say, you don’t have to let the laws stop you from being proud of the love you are building together.  I say, you must do all you can to more deeply value your life partnership, even if you can’t get married right now.

There is so much more you can probably do to

• treasure
• celebrate, and
• nurture

your bond, regardless of what anyone else does or says and regardless of current laws.

If you believe in a creator, just know that the creator isn’t concerned about man-made attempts to regulate your love life.  Your love transcends any earthly laws.

You know what:  I have a gut feeling if more of us would take a more active approach in exhibiting publicly our commitment to one another (as in, what is the next step we can take to deepen our commitment?), we’d speed up passage of full marriage rights for all Americans.  Just as in coming out as individuals do we change the world, I believe we could do so on the partnership level as well!

Why do I say so?  Because I believe in taking our relationships more seriously by taking action to

• sign up for the domestic partnership registry in your town if you have one (and, if not, see if there is a group active in your area focusing on passage of such a law and join the effort!)
• create relationship agreements with your partner using the support of an attorney and/or mediator
• do all you can legally to protect your bond, it’s assets and your partner, should you predecease him or her
• have a public civil union
• get married in a gay-affirmative church (even if it isn’t legal), complete with reception and honeymoon
• continue to get more active politically in your state re: gay marriage rights (ally with the organizations who are already working on this – they are smart and know how to tackle the issue next)
• sign up for domestic partnership benefits on the job
• etc., etc., etc.

And, the cool thing is this – you could do all of this, NOT to prove a point, but to more deeply treasure, nurture and celebrate your bond!  That in itself would be a reward.  That’s right!  When you practice commitment in your relationship, you are ensuring it’s continued health and happiness.  Marriage is just a piece of paper, and weddings just get a relationship off the ground, but commitment is what keeps a relationship going long and strong!

By the way – it’s National Coming Out Day tomorrow.  I hope you will celebrate by being more truthful about who you are.  If you are single, be sure to tell someone you’ve been wanting to be more honest with, someone you gauge as relatively safe to come out to, that you are a proud, gay American and single lesbian. 

If you are a couple, what can the two of you do to express your love more openly to the world tomorrow???

I leave you now with a touching letter written by my dear colleague, Dan Furmansky, who is the executive director of Equality Maryland.  Dan wrote the letter this past week following the disappointing ruling from the Maryland Supreme Court who deemed that it’s okay to discriminate against gays who not just want to marry but who need the protections this legal term carries…

From Washington Jewish Week

I’ve tired of fighting for dignity, respect – by Dan Furmansky
Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I lost some faith last week. The freedom to marry is a fundamental right being recognized around the world, but last week, Maryland’s highest court upheld the state’s ban on marriage for same-sex couples, dashing the hopes of countless families to be treated the same as their neighbors. The legal opinion was demeaning, employing flimsy reasoning to reach its tortured conclusion that the provisions of equality in our Constitution do not apply to everyone.

My personal investment is more than that I am a gay man, though that alone would warrant my feelings of disappointment. I helped birth this legal challenge 3 1/2 years ago with my organization, Equality Maryland, and the American Civil Liberties Union of Maryland.

I took on the challenge as a spiritual activist, facing clergy and legislators who refer to gays and lesbians as “ungodly” and “immoral.” I’ve spoken in numerous places of worship, and always do my best to channel God to help people understand both the legal and spiritual disenfranchisement at stake. I am close with the plaintiff couples in the litigation, some of whom are like family and fellow soldiers.

The press conference that followed the ruling felt like a shiva as the couples fought back tears and dealt with the reality that social justice would not be served, and for some, that their children would continue to be denied basic securities. It was a harried week of media, strategic planning and rallies that allowed me no chance to breathe. I was numb. Then, I was angry at the four-judge majority.

When I went to shul for Kol Nidre three evenings later, I realized the depth of my heartache, for I failed to steel my heart for the possibility that a just government could turn its back on the needs and hopes of people joined in love or on a path in search of it. The rabbi sermonized about how we change our perception of, and identification with, God based upon our own life experiences and emotional needs. While I tried to take the rabbi’s words to heart and began my fast with spiritual intentions, by late that night, I had fully realized anger at God.

On Saturday, I slept until noon and ate at 2:30.

I failed to honor Yom Kippur because I was angry at an existence that allows this injustice. Yet, being angry in such a way meant I was out of sync with my God beliefs. The God I perceive cannot be described as omniscient or vengeful – my God is not well described at all with adjectives attributable to the human condition. “Victim” is not a word I seek to identify with myself or with any group to which I belong. It became clear that it made little sense for me to be angry at God. I let go the best I could, but days later, remnants of this feeling remain.

My heart is broken because I am tired of fighting for dignity and respect when we have existed in every culture at every time. My heart is broken because employment discrimination against us is still legal in most states, courts take away our children and people feel it’s acceptable to make moral pronouncements about us in the form of sermons, constitutional amendments, discharges from the military and smashed car windows.

As for denying marriage equality, my Lord, it’s difficult enough to find one’s b’shert in life without worrying that society will make it difficult for you once you do. Denying equal marriage rights – besides stigmatizing children and their parents – can mean denial of health insurance and medical decision-making rights. There is no way to sponsor a foreign-born partner to stay in the country. There are no guarantees to make post-mortem decisions if a partner dies, and there are crippling taxes for inheriting jointly owned property from a nonspouse.

There is no entitlement to access a deceased partner’s social security benefits, no ability to inherit without wills and the threat that wills could be challenged by anti-gay relatives with legal standing as family.

As those of us affected by this ruling struggle to maintain our faith in justice, please consider channeling extra tikkun olam this new year. Make your congregation a welcoming one. Make this social justice movement your own. Help bring love, healing and fairness to your gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

Dan Furmansky is the executive director of Equality Maryland.

I know that I am a strong voice in the GLBT community, but my voice is easily drowned out at this time because of one or more of the above constituencies.

But…I will persevere.  Why?  Because in my gut I know that marriage is a sacred AND civil right that ALL Americans should have the right to enter into, equally, regardless of whether the couple is composed of a man and a woman or a woman/woman or man/man. 

And, because I know, from reading valid, credible studies in the mental health and healthcare literature, that when a person is legally married and perceives that they are part of a supportive, secure, happy marriage, he or she has access to a multitude of…

• financial
• legal
• social
• psychological
• spiritual
• physical
• sexual
• ?????

benefits that singles, domestic partnered and civil unioned partners and other couples who are living together but unmarried, can’t access or achieve.  I would also like to add that certain ‘domestic partners’ (such as heterosexual couples who are older/’senior’ or retired and choose NOT to marry – but could) are a separate case that I’m not referring to here.

While I’m not a political expert or gay historian, here’s my short and sweet list of ‘high points’ in the gay marriage movement, as of today:

• prior to just a few years ago, any attempts to advance gay marriage were pretty small and obscure (but were building as a result of the gay movement’s gains in other key areas)
• parallel to the gay marriage and/or ‘relationship recognition’ movement, states such as Vermont and Connecticut have passed civil union laws allowing gay couples to form legal, if less than equal to marriage, agreements with one another
• nervousness as a result, at the federal level in the past decade or so, has led presidents to ‘go political’ and react.  President Clinton  signed DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act – federal legislation specifying that marriage is only for heterosexual couples) AND President Bush pushed for a federal, anti-gay marriage amendment (which in essence isn’t necessary since there is DOMA AND since never in the country’s history has discrimination against a group of people been written into the Constitution.  One could argue, as well, that discriminating against a group of people using the U.S. Constitution was certainly never the intention of it’s authors!)
• a few brave couples in a handful of BLUE (highly democratic) states eventually organized and summoned the courage to file lawsuits demanding the right to marry
• as a result of a suit such as above Massachusetts became the first and only state (so far) to legalize gay marriage
• other states and cities got in on the act in response (hence the flurry of impromptu gay marriage ceremonies in places such as San Francisco)
• AFTER Massachusetts made gay marriage legal, a ‘conservative’ backlash ensued including President Bush using this debate to his advantage in winning re-election in 2004
• gay marriage political strategists decided to focus their energies on continuing at the state-by-state level
• gay marriage has been ‘turned away’ a number of times in the states (Maryland, New York)
• gay civil unions have met with greater success (so far)

The religious right, with their ability to partner with those in the middle who aren’t yet convinced that gays deserve the right to marry, have countered strongly by convincing the ‘powers that be’ to put the brakes on my rights!

The fight for gay marriage will carry on.  Before gay marriage, I also think there is hope that in moving towards any legal form of relationship recognition for gay couples, gay couples will begin to enjoy at leasat some of the rights and benefits legal marriage brings.

My post today resulted from the thoughts I had after reading a great article on the subject at Boston.com, which you can read here, called ‘Courts a tough road to gay marriage’. (A pdf reader is required).

So, if you are, like me, an advocate of gay marriage, not because I’m a radical, but because I’m a fair-minded human who believes in doing what is not only in the best interests of the individual, but in the best interests of society as a whole (socially, economically, spiritually, health-wise, etc.), hang in there!  There are many organizations continuing to ‘fight the good fight’. 

One of the experts interviewed in the Boston.com article, constitutional scholar and Yale professor William Eskridge, paints a hopeful future…

High court losses don’t mask huge gains for gays in the last decade, Eskridge said. Nine states have approved spousal rights in some form for same-sex couples — Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Maine, California, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii.

Every state will eventually have to create some kind of legal structure to deal with the financial and social realities of same-sex relationships, Eskridge said. It may not be gay marriage everywhere, but it will be some form of expanded rights, he said.

“It took generations to make any progress on race,” Eskridge said. “This stuff doesn’t come overnight.”

Even so, don’t become complacent.  THE PERSONAL IS POLITICAL!  If you are in a relationship, the best thing you can do is vote with your feet and ‘put your money where your mouth is’. 

If you’re not ready to share your personal story, fine.  You can be as anonymous as you wish and still have an impact.  A great national organization working on relationship recognition for gay couples is HRC. Pick at least one organization (in fact my recommendation is that you fund regularly one national, pro-gay marriage organization and one in your state) and support them any way you can. For example, these organizations always need money, volunteers, etc.. 

Then, when you are ready to be most authentic and share your personal experiences, be more visible and tell your story.  If you are ashamed of being gay and you aren’t out to the important people in your life, why is that?  You don’t have to be. 

If you believe you face serious repercussions for being out, I challenge you to do something about that – move to a more affirming neighborhood, city or state.  Or at least begin the process of becoming more authentic by talking with a coach or therapist about your own personal growth and happiness.  I don’t believe you will ever reach your potential as a human being living two lives!  I mean that…

Just remember – it’s YOUR life.  Do you really understand the serious risks you might be taking by not being out???  While you may be able to deny it, you pay heavy costs…

• financially
• legally
• socially
• psychologically
• spiritually
• physically
• sexually
• ?????

when you hid your true self in the world.

Maybe you need to go and get married in Massachusetts!  Or, if that’s too bold, find out what rights you have in your city or state as far as relationship recognition and, secure them!  Your relationship will become that much stronger for doing so.

The most courageous need to get out there and share with others how the inability to marry (or have a civil union) impacts you and your relationship.

As they’ve always said about advancing gay rights, the same holds true for gay marriage.  The best way to advance both is to be out, visible and proud!  October is Coming Out Month.  What will you do to celebrate???

Out and Proud,

Barb Elgin