Over 40 and Over Men

Great title, btw.  But, seriously, it is no surprise to me that we are seeing an increase in women ‘becoming gay’ later in life.  Hey, I am buddies and live in the same town as the infamous Elaine Weber, who came out at 79!  Isn’t she amazing!?!

Now, most women who knew they were gay, like Elaine, lived in a time and place where it was very risky to come out.  The result became that they either never lived an ‘out’ life or, eventually did come out (at least to themselves, a partner and to other gay friends and allies) in early or mid adulthood.  Today, the situation is much more accepting for women to be who they are and/or explore their sexual orientation.  I’m sure Elaine, if she were in her 40′s today, would probably have ‘come out’ by now.

I have a fine colleague in the heterosexual matchmaking industry who jokes that ‘she wishes she could turn a lot of her female clients into lesbians’ because the ratio of women to men, as women get older continues to widen, given the fact men still die sooner than women, on average.  She runs out of men to match these women with and it’s frustrating for her and for her clients.

I think this matchmaker is on to something – I think that there are a percentage of women who are either aware or unaware right now that they are bisexual or ‘not exclusively straight’ – who may, in their later years, when finding a man they want to be with is harder, become more aware of their same sex attractions.  I believe that one’s expression of gayness is sometimes brought out by environmental factors like this, much like the phenomenon of ‘mostly straight’ women ‘falling in love with’ other women in prison, when there are no men around.

What do I mean ‘mostly straight’? If you look at the Kinsey scale, sexuality occurs on a continuum and isn’t either/or for all of us.  Exclusively lesbian women are a 6.  Exclusively straight women are 0′s.  Then there are women in the middle (1′s to 5′s)!

And there are women in midlife today, who, for various reasons, have always probably been gay but just weren’t aware they were.  And there are probably women whose sexuality does change over the course of their adulthood, naturally.  So, I think these reasons count for a percentage in the increase in women coming out later in life.

I also think that it’s the simple fact that, like mentioned in the More.com article, women are more scripted than men are into ‘proper’ roles, and, it’s when they near midlife that they are more likely to question those previously unquestioned roles.

Some women don’t ‘come into their own’ until their 30′s, 40′s and beyond

A big script many women internalize when they are young (long before they consciously choose a belief) is the one that says we are ‘caretakers’ and ‘relationship makers’ first not individuals (whereas men are taught the opposite: that their needs come first).  As a result, women grow up not developing or fine-tuning a sense of themselves as individuals.

If you look into the research literature on women and midlife I think you will find that it’s clear it’s very common for some women to become more ‘me’ focused at midlife.  As women near midlife it’s more likely that their children are growing up, meaning they are often needed less, and they are more likely to have experienced divorce (or an unhappy marriage).

Both of these ‘life changes’, in combination with the ‘sensing one’s mortality’ (which often happens around the age of 40), simply throws many women into greater self reflection about their lives and how they’ve lived it so far.  Many say that midlife crises aren’t frequent these days but I know that many of us, myself included, DID and DO go some sort of psychological ‘tumult’ during the ages of 35-45, and, for some women, that includes questioning their sexual orientation.

Are you ready for love now like never before?  I am…

I didn’t have a crisis around sexual orientation, because I’ve been out to myself and the world about being gay since my teens, but I became more clear who I was and what I wanted in a love relationship in my late 30′s to early 40′s.  I feel, on some level, that I’ve just begun to know enough to be able to ‘next time around’ (I’m single now), be able to form a more deeply satisfying, authentic and lasting relationship with another woman!  How about you?  Have you experienced this as well?

In my two, long term relationships to date (one lasting 7 years, the other almost 15), I put myself second, much like younger straight women put their husbands and children first and themselves second.  Why?  Because I too had yet to ‘come into my own’.

Why am I a ‘late bloomer’ when it comes to love? I think most women are, simply because most of us weren’t supported from a young age on for developing our individuality.  Hopefully this is changing…

While women in Elaine’s generation experienced ‘empty nest’, they weren’t, like today’s midlife baby boomers, as independent minded and thus, probably didn’t experience empty nest like mother’s do today.  And, of course, divorce was less common back then as well.

There is also the issue that, for women who have a ‘flexible’ orientation (which, btw, seems to be more common with women, so the research in this area suggests), there may be a greater willingness to feel exploring is natural and a greater willingness to believe that ‘love is love is love’.

Now is a great time to be single and, lesbian

So, the long and short of it is this – we will continue to see increasing numbers of women ‘come out’ later in life.  For the reasons I’ve quoted above.  Hey – that’s great news for the 35 plus single lesbian is it not?

Have a great weekend and, don’t forget to catch the finale of the L Word tomorrow night!

Barb Elgin

• visiting our site for the very first time
• a client
• a frequent reader of our website
• a reader of our free e-course
• a member of Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club

you have now had some experience of Coach Sappho.  Have we enhanced your life?  If you’ve gained in any way from spending time with us, we’d like to invite you to tell others how spending time with us has helped you.  Would you like to spread the joy?  It’s easy to let friends and family know more about us.

HERE ARE TWO WAYS YOU CAN SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT COACH SAPPHO:

1.  NEW!!! Coach Sappho 2 page flyer describing our programs – chock full of testimonials.  Feel free to print out and share with your friends!  NEW!!!

2.  Click here and Coach Sappho will send an email for you for up to seven of your friends.  All you have to do is enter your name, their names and their email addresses.  Or, you can put whatever script you’d like to appear on the email.  Complete this form as many times as you like!

As always, we keep all names and email addresses private.  We will not sell or share any information you or any of your friends or family share with us to any third party without permission, ever!

Thank you for your support!

• Looking on the bright side this week I’d like to congratulate the State of Maine, who became the 16th state to add sexual orientation and gender identity to a Maine law that bars discrimination in employment, housing, credit, public accomodations and education.
• How’s your love life?  If you’ve ever been in a relationship over a year, you know things tend to “cool down.”  But, is it inevitable that they “cool off?”  I’ll never forget what the psychology professor I took a Human Sexuality class with in college said:

Did you know that your biggest sex organ is between your ears!?!

Yes, indeed, is she nuts, now, just what did she mean?  That imagination, mystery and creativity are sexy turn ons!  So, don’t let your brain cells go limp when it comes to sex and intimacy, even if you are not in a relationship (catch my drift!). 

Hate to break it to you but love isn’t all wine, roses and, for some of us, chocolates!  We have to add a dash of brain food in there too once in awhile.

Make time for sensuality in your life, you deserve it (and it’s no doubt great for stress reduction!).  Stimulate your dendrites and they will give you a tingle!

And, if you’re looking for suggestions to jump start your brain, here’s a couple of my favorite books/tapes on the subject:

Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, EdD (book) (audiotape) – excellent ideas delivered in an often humorous manner.  I just love Pat Love!!!

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman – full of education and information

Or, here’s a simple suggestion that goes the distance:  each of you should make a list of activities you’ve gotten away from doing that you enjoy or that you’ve fantasized about or want to try.  Then, be sure to do one of those activities at least once a week, alternating back and forth.  And, again, if you are a single slinger, make a list and treat yourself.

Champions keep playing until they get it right! – Billie Jean King

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin

For those of us in the northern hemisphere, spring has sprung!  While it may not feel that way yet (hey – it’s even been dark, chilly and rainy here in Central Florida the past couple of days!), you can bet warm, sunny days are just around the bend.

WHAT’S HAPPENING AT COACH SAPPHO:  Look what Coach Sappho has been cookin’ up for you, to keep you warm and toasty till lady spring pokes her head out:

Famous author, Angela Bonavoglia is Coach Sappho’s “Uncommon Courage” guest for March 2005.

Thursday, 3/31/05, from 7-8pm EST

Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club’s “Uncommon Courage” guest for March 2005 is a fabulous ally by the name of Ms. Angela Bonavoglia.  I met Ms. Bonavoglia about 18 months ago while interviewing Kathy Itzin, the catholic religious education instructor from Minnesota who had a lifetime achievement award taken back by her city’s bishop when he found out she was a lesbian.

Angela Bonavoglia has just published her latest book, Good Catholic Girls:  How Women are Leading the Fight to Change the Church.  Angela Bonavoglia is an award-winning journalist and author who covers social, health, religious and women�s issues. A previous book on abortion, The Choices We Made, was featured on Oprah. Her feature articles, investigative reports, op-eds, personal essays, and profiles have appeared in Ms. (longtime contributing editor), the Chicago Tribune, Redbook, Mirabella, Cosmopolitan, Newsday, and The New York Times, among other publications.

Angela’s article, “The Church�s Tug of War,” about women as an invisible force for reform in the Roman Catholic Church, was the lead article in The Nation in the wake of the clergy sex abuse scandals of 2002.

I can’t wait to talk with her about how and why she chose the career path she is on today.  Aren’t you curious?  I hope you will join her and I via the teleconference bridge on March 31st for an exciting discussion.  If you have specific questions you’d like me to ask her during the interview, email me so I can prepare.

Click here to read more about Ms. Bonavoglia and her latest book.  Or visit her website: http://www.goodcatholicgirls.com.