And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point.  I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.  And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.

I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’.  If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her.  And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.

So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’.   Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…

I’m pleased to announce that Donna and I will be interviewing Lara Zielinsky, bisexual author of mature adult content lesbian and bi-women’s fiction, romance and erotica Thursday, April 29, 2010 from 7-8p ET on Coach Sappho’s Podcast.

Lara resides in the Orlando, Florida area.  Who knew we had such an interesting and accomplished author right in our midst!?!

Lara has been on a speaking tour promoting her new book

To Love and To Cherish: An Anthology of Lesbian Love and Marriage

And, she’s donating proceeds from sales of the book to the same sex marriage rights organization Marriage Equality USA.

Lara Zielinsky

Please be sure to join us Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 7:00PM ET as we talk LIVE with Lara.  Coach Sappho’s Podcast is free to subscribers!

Whether you are single, dating or coupled, it’s time for YOU to begin the journey to experiencing more of what you want in your love life!   To help you continue your journey to a more amazing love life, I want to invite you to an exciting new tele-seminar I’m leading called

Coach Sappho’s ‘Secrets to Creating the Love Life You Deserve’ Tele-Discussion

You see, I’m sure you know success in anything requires more than reading a book, taking a quiz or, even chillin’ and having fun.  Success happens when we learn not only what works, but when we learn how to DO what works. Easier said than done, right?  All of this can seem pretty daunting, especially when it comes to love and relationships.

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

Speaking of which, I’ll be leading this coming Thursday’s show.  Donna has some important activist work to do that she’d committed to before I changed our podcast day and time.  Donna will be back for our 2/18 show.

I hope you’ll join me on the live call.  It’ll be our Valentine’s Show.  I’ll be dishing tips for singles (Valentines is often a challenging time for singles) and couples and talking about the other great holiday the GLBT community celebrates during Valentine’s – Freedom to Marry Week.

However, after reading an excellent article by Bonnie Osborn in the September 2009 issue of Jane and Jane Magazine entitled, ‘Feeling the Pinch: Health care inequities result in financial penalties for lesbian couples’, I was reminded that health ‘care’ is only one problem lesbians face in our current health care system.

Did you know lesbian couples are also penalized economically by the way our current health care system is set up?  And that this penalizing is repeated and compounded?

For example, even though two of my sisters stay at home and don’t work, they have health care through their husband’s employers.  And, even though another sister works, her husband stays home and receives full ‘spouse’ benefits (including health care, life insurance, etc.).  And, I’m not even talking about all the children they have – eight between the three of them – who are covered on these various health care plans as well.

I, on the other hand, could not put my partner on my health insurance (back when I had a partner).  And, my partners were never able to put me on their plans.  Meaning:  if at some point one of us had become unemployed and, heaven forbid, become ill, what would we do?

It becomes even more complicated when we talk about being laid off.  Even if I’d at some point had the ability to add my partner to my benefits, my partner said she would have been afraid to do so.  After all, if I later changed jobs, who knows if that new employer would have domestic partner coverage?  Given the fact insurance coverage isn’t assured/universal, she would’ve had to go through another period of underwriting and possible exclusion.  I know that’s never even a thought for straight couples.

Yes, in some places, and with some large companies, same sex partners do have access to partner benefits.  But, over all, only a minority of lesbians in America have such access.

And, to add insult, the federal government taxes partner benefits as ‘taxable income’!  Wow -  even when we have access, we pay a price straight couples don’t: when a same sex partner is on her partner’s insurance she gets to, you guessed it: pay taxes on having the honor of such a benefit!

And, guess what?  The employer is penalized too.  So, good luck getting many employers to want to cover same sexed partners on their insurance plans!

Lesbians have the highest uninsured rate

Worse yet, for those who don’t have the honor of paying these additional taxes, many of these coupled lesbians remain uninsured, because they can’t afford their own insurance!  Can you imagine the spouse of a straight person going through this state of affairs?

According to Osborn, a recent survey found that lesbians as a group had more uninsured than gay men and heterosexuals.  In fact lesbians were almost twice as likely to be uninsured as heterosexuals.

Is it any surprise then, that lesbians, as a group, are consistently poorer than gay men and heterosexuals, especially as they grow older?

Here’s another common example of how the current system hurts lesbians financially: if your partner takes ill and needs your help, what do you do?  Here’s one extreme:  military personnel often wouldn’t even think of taking off to help a partner because of the attention it might put on them.  They’d fear a court martial (it happens…often, and not just on The L Word).

Often then, for these individuals, benefits earned are never used.  Perhaps then the couple has to pay for home health care, all out of their own pocket (if they have the resources to do so).

More common is the scenario where a partner has to use vacation time to stay home and help a same sexed partner, whereas a straight partner would be able to use sick time instead.  This matters for those whose retirement benefits depend on accrued vacation time.

Or, what happens when a partner doesn’t have any sick or vacation time to use?  Will her employer allow her to take ‘leave without pay’?  Who can even afford to do that in today’s economy?

Osborn notes that these sorts of ‘institutionalized inequities’…

“Add up to hundreds and even thousands of dollars of financial penalties each year”.

Yikes!  No wonder so many of us can never get ahead.  Many of us are already being ‘under paid’ because we are women.

Why aren’t lesbians more upset about this state of affairs? Perhaps because we don’t have any energy left, after we work all the extra hours and jobs we need, to pay off these debts!

And, of course, worries about whether a doctor will provide you inferior care (because he or she doesn’t like gays or doesn’t know you are gay), and economic inequities are far from the only disparities lesbians face in today’s health care system.

Worries about whether all the legal papers we pay to draw up to protect our wishes in times of emergencies still exist.  There are many instances of couples having their advance directives ignored.  Tragic examples include the Lisa Pond story.

Here again, we lose financially.  Setting up living wills and power of attorney documents correctly can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars.  By the way, when was the last time a hospital asked a straight spouse to produce paper work to prove ‘next of kin’?

And in a cruel irony, even the two democratic presidents we’ve had in the past 20-30 years who are pro-gay have (or are) hurting us when it comes to easing these burdens:

• President Clinton’s signing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in the 1990′s makes it illegal for the federal government to recognize legal gay relationships and allows states to deny recognition as well.  In fact, according to Osborn, “recently same sex partners of laid off workers weren’t able to receive payments to help pay for COBRA health insurance that the partners of heterosexual partners received, because of DOMA.”
• President Obama has relegated DOMA to the bottom of his priority list and, when the issue has come up, has given a mixed message at best (while he has said he wants to repeal DOMA, recently, when the issue came up in a court case, his administration defended it).

In my (and Osborn’s) opinion, another of the many good reasons to support the House of Representative’s HR 3200 ‘America’s Affordable Health Choices Act’ is that it does redress a couple of the systematic problems plaguing lesbians in the current system:  HR 3200 would set up a system to collect data on gays and lesbians (which would then prove the disparities and need for other reforms) and it would also stop the taxation of same sex partner health benefits.

Be sure you check out Osborn’s article.  It should get you good and mad and speaking up to your congress person/persons.

BE well,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

What does it take to thrive in today’s world as a lesbian woman, single or coupled?

I define thrive as being able to be oneself enough in one’s life so that, if you are a lesbian, you celebrate your sexuality.  You don’t hide who you are.  And that authenticity extends to you and your life in general.

Thriving also means abilities to…

• handle adversity, that is, deal with and rise above all of life and love’s challenges, as you encounter them (and you will)…
• address dating and love relationship issues with skill and confidence (instead of avoidance, false bravado or destructive conflict)
• prevent future problems as best as you can by the way you live (and love) today
• actually become more authentic, loving and strong as a result of dealing with the challenges of being gay

If you are single, you have enough worth to take your time to get clear who you are and what you want, need and require in a love partnership and you only give your heart to another woman who also loves herself enough to be able to love another person, over time, with actions, and when it’s not just based on good feelings at that moment.

If you are in a relationship, you value you, your partner and your relationship enough to really take care of your selves and your relationship.  That includes ‘checking in’ at times with a relationship coach like myself, even if you think things are going great.  For example – are you 100% sure your partner trusts you enough to be honest with you about how happy she is with your relationship?  If you are not (or if you are in denial), your relationship is probably under distress because your partner isn’t as happy as she could be with your relationship.

In today’s news and internet travels I came across a recent book release and a study I thought I’d mention that relate to this vital topic of lesbian women and self esteem:

The first is Caitlin Ryan’s Family Acceptance Project work.  I’ve known of Caitlin for years as an LGBT educator and advocate.  Her current focus on this project is remarkable.

Caitlin is focusing on the impact parental behavior has on their gay and lesbian kids.  She’s showing, through her research, how toxic parental rejection can be.  For those of you with a history of such toxicity from loved ones, you know what it was like.  Gladly, society is now beginning to rationally address this issue.

Caitlin’s latest study found that LGBT youth who are treated in ‘rejecting’ ways by parents are at higher risk of health problems like.  Yes, no duh!  But, isn’t it time someone took the time to map this out so our detractors have a harder time denying the reality?  Be sure you check out Caitlin’s writings and interviews on this subject, by clicking here.  In particular, be sure to check out her brief, great interviews with HRC’s The Agenda and NPR’s All Things Considered, where she talks about the results of her study.

Secondly, on the Today Show this morning I happened to catch an interview with psychologist Cheryl Saban.  I don’t actually know if Saban is affirmative towards gays or not.  I tried to find that out and am still looking (if you know let me know).

But, either way, what Dr. Saban has to say about women and self worth is very worthy!  She’s been through the process herself of gaining self worth (including surviving rape and two divorces) and now, she’s written a book about it that I think is worth checking out, called

What is your self worth?  A woman’s guide to self validation

So, you ask, what do the above two women’s work have to do with your ability to be ‘lovingly smarter’ about your life and love life?  Well, everything, don’t you think!?!

Saban and Caitlin’s words will give you ‘clues’ as to what you can do to becoming more gentle yet strong, loving yet self confident.  So will joining one of our communities at Coach Sappho:  Lez Rendezvous for singles and Lez Be Together for lesbian couples.

For example, if you have emotional wounds from past (or present) family rejection (if you’re not sure just call me and we’ll sort it out), or if you are a caring woman who is still trying to find that balance between being yourself AND being confident, be sure to check out the work of both of these women.

If you are a lesbian woman who didn’t (or doesn’t) get FULL, CELEBRATORY SUPPORT from you loved ones, you absolutely need to start getting better support for yourself.  The good news is that it’s never too late.  Both of Coach Sappho’s communities were designed for the lesbian who ‘gets’ it that ‘going it alone’ is not the answer.

You need this support.  I encourage you to care enough about yourself to go and get this support BEFORE YOU NEED IT!  That’s how you will begin to create that incredible life and relationship you are building for yourself…

Have a great Thursday!

Barb Elgin

• travel in an ‘eco-friendly’ manner on a modern cruise ship with hundreds (perhaps thousands) of lesbian women
• talk with me, IN PERSON, about new and exciting ways to ‘liven up your lesbian love life’
• help out victims of Hurricane Katrina
• de-stress and spend some quality time, unplugged from everyday life, with yourself and/or your partner (I’m planning some really ‘cool’ meetings for singles only and couples only that you will want to attend I’m sure!)
• enjoy lots of great food, entertainment, etc.

Sounds awfully luscious and juicy to me, how about you?

Ever since I invited Shannon Wentworth, CEO and founder of the lesbian cruise company, Sweet, to Coach Sappho’s podcast last year, I knew Shannon had a grand vision.  You’ve probably noticed her and Sweet’s presence all over the internet and Sweet sponsors many lesbian events, such as the Dinah, just held a couple of weeks ago in Palm Springs, California, at the Riviera Hotel.

Well, what Shannon has been up to is encouraging lesbians far and near to take her caribbean cruise this coming November.  I hear the ship holds over 1900 so that’s a boatload of lesbians!  The cruise will last 7 days, ship out of New Orleans and traverse the western caribbean.

In addition to the usual amazing stuff you can do on a cruise, Shannon has many other innovative things happening on her cruise which you won’t find on most, including the opportunity for cruisers to ‘give back’ by doing some Katrina rebuilding in New Orleans before the cruise takes off and some great workshops, perhaps even by people like moi! 

If you are going to attend, be sure you let them know upon registration that Coach Sappho sent you!  And, if you are going to register (or if you already have), please email me and let me know.  If we have a party of at least 10 ladies on the ‘Coach Sappho’ contingent, I’ll definitely attend and, we will get some group goodies, courtesy of Shannon.

Anchors away, my love, anchors away…

When a client shares with me that they don’t think it’s safe to be ‘out’ to their provider(s), I encourage them to seek affirmative providers, but, often, there is a lack of affirmative providers in an area OR there is at least, a lack of underground wisdom in a community about which physicians, nurse practitioners, etc. to seek out.

So, organizations like Mautner Project are vital for our community.  They are on ‘the front lines’ educating providers and changing the system to be more welcoming as well as providing direct care support to lesbians in the Washington, D.C. area who are currently dealing with the real life challenges of living with cancer.

I’m on Mautner’s mailing list and today I received an announcement that they are having a volunteer orientation to help serve a group of 20 women (and their partners).  Can you help?  If you are in the Washington, D.C. area and you have some time on April 14th, I hope you will attend.

Here’s all the details:

We need you to join a team of volunteers to support our sisters. Find out how at our next Volunteer Orientation! Both new and experienced volunteers are encouraged to attend.
Tuesday, April 14 from 6:45-8:45
1875 Connecticut Avenue, Suite 710
(next to the Washington Hilton, just north of Dupont Circle)

You’ll meet other volunteers who share the same generous impulse to give back, as well as Executive Director Leslie Calman, Volunteer of the Year 2009 Dee Dragan, Acting Director of Client Services Elizabeth Ide and some of our other “veteran” volunteers. We’ll show you the ropes – and there are many tasks to choose from:

• Some of our volunteers want a strong connection to a single client – driving her to chemo appointments, accompanying her to a doctor’s appointment to take notes, visiting in the hospital.
• Other volunteers prefer to run errands – picking up groceries, or babysitting a child or grandchild, or doing some yard work like mowing the lawn.
• Some women need assistance filling out insurance forms or keeping up with paying monthly bills.

And four times a year, you’ll be invited to a volunteer brunch to meet each other and share ideas.  Please call Elizabeth Ide or Dee Dragan at 202.332.5536 for more information, or to sign up.  Or email us at eide@mautnerproject.org. Be sure to leave your contact information.

We hope you’ll join our team of volunteers. Mautner Project is more than a terrific gala: we’re a community of caring. We hope you can share some time with us, for all of us.

Look forward to seeing you -

Leslie Calman, Executive Director
Dee Dragan, Volunteer of the Year
Elizabeth Ide, Client Services Coordinator

P.S. Mautner Project also needs volunteers throughout the year to help with events, and to do work in the office. If you’re interested in either, please call Crystal Foley at 202.332.5536, or email cfoley@mautnerproject.org. And thanks!

P.S.P.S  And, post right here on the blog and let us know what you do to help.

Some of my current and former clients only recently ‘came out of the closet’.  Some have even been married to a man for some length of time and are choosing to live a more authentic, ‘this is who I really am’ lesbian life for the first time.  And many others have identified, even rather openly, as lesbian for years but they…

• haven’t experience a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship with another woman
• they haven’t felt comfortable asking for what they want
• or they haven’t been aware of what they want romantically, for various reasons, most likely due to the socialization (or lack thereof) women and lesbian women receive when it comes to love, dating and relationships.

As I always remind all of my clients, whether they are single, dating or coupled, two of the most important secrets to creating a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with the woman of their dreams is knowing who you are and what you want.

Just as important, however, as knowing who you are and what you want is:

• being able to live your truth

and

• being willing to be a great partner

When it comes to living one’s truth, let’s face it: until the ‘rubber meets the road’, who you are and what you want is only theoretical.  Meaning, in terms of the world and how you are perceived and whether (and what) you will manifest, the results you achieve are based upon your ability to take actions, millions of them, moment after moment, day after day and year after year, that are aligned with who you believe yourself to be, in the world.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  Although there is nothing wrong with demanding ‘excellence’ of yourself.  In fact, it’s better to ‘expect too much’, I believe, than to not ‘expect enough’ of yourself, in particular your behavior.  And, this gets to the point of today’s post.

As much as it is important to get clear who you are, what you want and as vital as it is to be able to express ‘you’ lovingly, yet clearly in the world, perhaps most important of all, if you hope to create a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman, is being able to be a great partner.

Most of us are aware of what we expect from the woman we invite into our lives, but do you spend as much time learning and practicing becoming a great partner to that woman you expect so much from? (as well you should, by the way!)…

As it’s been said, when it’s easy to be a great partner, that is, on days and during the hours of the day when things are going smooth, you are rested and you aren’t irritable and your partner is the same, being a great partner is much easier than when you are tired, you both disagree or you just don’t feel like being kind or ‘negotiable’ at that moment.

Well now, these tougher moments are when the rubber truly meets the road:  can you be respectful when you aren’t in the mood to be?  None of us are perfect on this one, we’ve all slipped, right, so, let’s cut ourselves and others some (not too much though!) slack during these moments!  

The best, most lasting relationships consist of two individuals who are being great partners.  Why is that?  Because when you have two women doing the very best they can to nurture their relationship, they create the conditions that allow each woman to feel they are being celebrated for who they are while they are treated like a queen.

Certainly then, if you aren’t being a great partner, is it fair to expect your partner to be a great partner?  Hmmmm………..the good news is this:  when you don’t feel like being a great partner, step back and take a deep breath before you do anything else…from there you will have a clearer head and you will be more likely to respond with love (or with no response at all until you are able to make a positive response) instead of reacting in response to your frustration (or some other negative emotion).

I am not saying you sweep important issues under the rug.  I am just saying there is always a time and a place, right? 

Lastly: put one mark in the ‘credit’ column of your relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

Wonderful food for thought, eh?

Have a fabulous afternoon!

Barb Elgin

p.s.  Are you single or dating to meet your life partner?  If you are, be sure to check out Lez Rendezvous, our premiere dating and coaching community for lesbians.  We have a great tele-discussion this evening at 7:30p ET where we are talking about getting ready to attract our soulmates.  Don’t miss it!  Great potential partners hang out here!  And, some ‘love matches’ are already happenin’… 

QUICK COACHING TIP: I was talking with a client recently about her vision collage.  Vision collaging is alot of fun and often results in ‘life altering’ realizations for many of my clients.  This client completed her first collage about six months ago.  We were talking about implementing the vision in this collage and she happened to mention making more collages.  I asked her if her vision had drastically changed from six months ago.  She said she didn’t think so.  Here’s how I responded to her:

“Your vision collage only needs to be done at most once a year!  After that you live it.  This can include making it the first thing you see in the morning and the last thing you look at before you go to sleep (in fact I highly suggest you do so).  When you continue to create more collages you will only get more of the same: more collages, possibly even conflicting visions.  Either way, this is not the best way to manifest your original vision…”

You see, if you keep ‘starting over’ you don’t get very far.  Sometimes starting over is a way to resist moving forward.  This is also known as ‘spinning your wheels’.

COACH SAPPHO INTERVIEWED FOR WATERMARK’S VALENTINE’S ISSUE: On a different, but related note, I had a great time the other day talking about lesbian love and romance with Steven Blanchard of the Watermark, Central Florida’s gay paper.  Steve titled the interview…

A minute with Barb Elgin, Lesbian Relationship Coach

The interview was short, but packed with tidbits such as…

• differences between gay and lesbian couples
• why we do the ‘U-Haul’ dance and what we can do to stop it
• secrets to finding the woman of your dreams
• keys to a successful relationship
• why opposites sometimes attract (and stay attracted)

Be sure to pick up the Watermark to read article in print if you’re in the Orlando area or, if you aren’t, no problem, click here to read it online!

SMART WOMAN FROM COACH SAPPHO’S COMMUNITY OFFERS HER ANALYSIS OF DEMOCRATIC NOMINEES FOR PRESIDENT: Several community members have been writing me regarding their concerns about the presidential elections coming up.  One thought that has stuck out for me is this one, sent by a pretty darn smart member of Coach Sappho’s community:

“It just ocurred to me that you might have some friends who are willing and able to contribute to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.  I’m not above pleading for their help.  Hillary is in a tough struggle against a well financed group who do not want to have a WOMAN in the White House in any other position than First Lady!  Hillary is the best one for the job, in my humble opinion.  Hillary is a PROVEN advocate for women and children over the past 35 years.

The link:   www.hillaryclinton.com/contribute/3UHQ”

Have a super weekend!

Barb Elgin
http://www.coachsappho.com/valentinesparty.html
Coach Sappho’s Valentine’s Tele-Party
Learn THE ONE and ONLY Secret You Need to
Know to Enjoy this Valentine’s Day!
Prizes for participants!
10% of each registration will go to Freedom to Marry