Many of the single lesbians here at Coach Sappho are in their 50′s. Of those, many are in their early 50′s. A couple of the recurrent questions these women ask themselves include…
- am I too old to find love again?
- is finding love again worth it?
These are legitimate questions, in my opinion. Afterall, most of these women aren’t new to love, indeed they are ‘seasoned’ lovers, veterans in the area of relationships, of loves lost, due to divorce, illness or death, unhappiness, infidelity, being rejected, etc.
Why should they go through the trouble of loving (and risking losing that love) again?
So, in response to the first question
Am I too old to find love again?
I hear alot of other thoughts under that thought, such as…
- will someone find me attractive at my age?
- do I want to love (and possibly lose) again?
- do I want to go through the trouble of finding a compatible partner again?
- getting ‘old’ is depressing
- old people can’t be loving and sexual
What can you add that I haven’t thought of here?
Single or coupled we need to prepare for tomorrow
Aging well is a big issue for the lesbian community, as it is for everyone. Because we are a minority group and because we aren’t fully validated throughout our culture, we share some unique challenges at midlife and beyond.
Many of us don’t have children. Children can be a great source of support or focus for us. When we don’t have children, we must find other ways to build our social network, or we risk isolation.
Even if we have children, they grow up and leave us, or, at a minimum, for most of us the relationship we have with our children changes or lessens in intensity and time commitment. So gay parents too aren’t immune to loneliness or isolation.
Just remember too that there are so many other ways to be ‘generative’ whether you are single or in a relationship. Remember the great Oprah, who never had children but says that’s because she was meant to ‘give birth to’ other great creations such as that school she’s built in Africa and the impact she’s had on the world through her television show.
However, even Oprah will find herself realizing one day that it’s time to do something different. You know she’s preparing for her tomorrows.
I also like the story of Cal Ripken, Jr., who hails from my home state (Maryland). He prepared too, for the transition from his playing days to ‘what next’. If you don’t know what he’s been up to now be sure to Google him and find out! While I’m sure Cal mourned when he realized his playing days were ending, he’s discovered there IS life after prime time!
We need to take care of ourselves and prepare for the future, even as we handle the challenges of today.
Challenges of being gay and gray
If family members are lukewarm about us, or don’t treat us as equal to our straight or married siblings and family members, we tend to not share as much about our lives with them and this can come at a cost. When we don’t ‘integrate’ our true selves into the family fabric, we are likely to be more distant from them. And that means we don’t get to experience family support, a critical piece of health and wellness for most of us.
Some of us still carry around shame about who we are and thus, we may have convinced ourselves it’s our families who aren’t as accepting of us as they ought to be, when, in reality, they would be, if we would be ourselves with them more often and, give them a chance.
Add to these factors the likelihood that, as you age, you will experience loss and change, personally and professionally. Some of these events you will experience as large, including major job or career changes, financial stresses, or problems in your relationship which can run the range from minor to major (for example the ending of a relationship or death or illness of yourself or a partner). Unless you find ways to be resilient, you may experience significant stress.
The value of aging well, whether you are single or in a relationship
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you have a great deal of control over how healthy your midlife (and beyond) years will be. For example, you can often prevent a disease process from starting by your behavioral choices, even if you have a strong predisposition for a disease.
And, even if you have a disease, such as diabetes, an auto-immune disorder, cancer or heart disease, often you have more control than you realize over the progression of that disease (or how you live with that disease) and thus, the quality of your life.
If you are single and don’t know yet if you definitely want to find a life partner, that’s okay. You can have an amazing life right now, just as you are. If you choose to…afterall, there ARE many plusses to this time in life. Aren’t there? And, we need to identify and talk more about these positives, don’t we?
If you are single and you want a life partner but doubt whether it’s too late for such an experience in your life, let’s talk about that too. Perhaps now you are mature in a whole new way that will benefit you as you go about finding a life partner.
So, if you are afraid of ‘loving and losing’ again, let’s talk about that too, because I firmly believe (and I know you feel it in your gut too) that it is ‘better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all’, at any age…
You have greater wisdom about who you are and what you want than you did at 20, I can assure you! This is a CRITICAL strength that you would bring to your relationship.
Also – keep in mind what the research is showing: happily married couples (gay or straight) are healthier – on many levels (financial, health, career, etc.). Now, I tell you this not to depress you, since you are currently single, but to give you hope that it IS worth looking for love again. And, that being single is not a state for most of us that is sustainable in a healthy way.
Now, don’t go and get married or ‘fall into’ a relationship just because being single might not be healthy. People in unhappy relationships are no better off than happy or unhappy singles. In fact, you are better off staying single, working to make your single status a thing you are happy about and ‘hold off’ getting into a committed relationship until you find a partner you CAN build a happy partnership with!
When I say committed, I mean an exclusive, monogamous relationship, and preferably one where you’ve made some sort of formal, legal commitment to one another. Just because you are consciously choosing to remain single, that doesn’t mean you can’t recreationally date. I define recreational dating as dating to have fun without ties or promises. Recreational dating must be done with both people’s agreement that this is the type of dating you are doing.
The key is a better attitude about getting older
Feeling good about no longer being young is so much of this, I assure you. Our society is starting to come around on this one, but most of us still carry unhealthy attitudes about older people. And, society does still judge men and women differently, in many ways, when it comes to aging.
For example, what is ‘old’ anymore, anyway? Most women can expect to live a healthy 80-85 years now. That means if you are 50, you still have at least a third of your life left to live! Why would you waste all of that time being hesitant to ‘love again’? And, given advances in medicine, many or most of those remaining years can be quite full of life, health and great moments, for both you and the woman of your dreams! The alternative is a happy single life or an unhappy one. YOUR CHOICE…really!
Most of us have LOTS left to experience, create, and give.
Much, much more to come on this issue, I’m sure…
Have a wonderful Tuesday!
Barb
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
