- Suze Orman, Women and Money

Amazingly wise words don’t you think?  And, they come from one smart, adorable lesbian who has truly ‘made it’ financially!  I am sitting here at the computer, writing to you on a rainy day, and treating myself to Orman on PBS as she presents her “Women and Money” Show.

Yes, the show isn’t new.  But, truthfully, each time the show comes on,  I half listen, with the TV in the background, continuing on with my busy day instead of stopping what I am doing and listening more closely.  Today, I listened

a bit more closely, and pulled out her book (which I haven’t finished reading!), to see what I can learn from someone who obviously shines with vibrant financial health.

It is timely that I am covering the topic of single lesbians and their money today.  It seems the topic of finances has been coming up frequently lately as I talk to my clients and Lez Rendezvous members. And that, my friends, is a good thing!

Single lesbians share many of the same issues all single women and women face when it comes to money, but, we also share some unique challenges.

Transcending the ways our female ancestors ‘dealt’ (or didn’t deal) with money takes courage

What I notice is common amongst many women is this belief that, somehow, many other issues are more important than insuring our financial security.  Somehow, finances tend to take a back seat.  We either say ‘money isn’t important’ or, ‘money is too difficult to figure out’, so we continue to live our lives, avoiding dealing with our money.

We also generally think that money will take care of itself.  Or, that perhaps someone else will take care of it (and, by extension, us). I suspect these attitudes are vestiges left over from our heterosexual sisters/mothers/grandmothers, many of whom ‘handed over’ their power without thinking about it, because that’s just what you did, when it came to money and most other important decisions in their relationships.  It was even the law not too long ago!

Many of us also carry around some uninspiring thoughts about money.  Money on it’s own is not evil.  Money is like a gun.  It’s the people who do evil things with money and guns, not the money and guns themselves.

What about love and money?

When it comes to love, if we are dating someone exclusively, and considering a future with that person, do we have conversations with her about money?  As in, if and when to have those discussions and how to have them?  When we are still single (ie: not legally married, even if we consider ourselves ‘committed’), is it okay to entwine our financial lives with another person?

When is it okay to combine our financial responsibilities, and, how do we do so?  Suze talks often about every woman still retaining at least one SEPARATE bank account, for example.  But what about the health of the relationship?  I also see too many couples where it seems like there isn’t enough ‘togetherness’ when it comes to sharing assets.

As I always like to say: every love relationship is really three relationships:  you, me and us.  I would imagine each area needs it’s own financial support.  While our female ancestors may have handed over all financial control (including our own paychecks) to our fathers and husbands, now it is no longer wise to do so!

No longer can we expect one job or one partner or husband to protect us forever.  Ha!  If that was ever even true, in practice.  Now, if we choose wisely or have good luck, maybe we can just put our lives in the hands of someone else, however, for most of us, this is unwise.

That’s why you will see many professionals – in the legal, financial, coaching fields – suggest creating relationship agreements, when things are going well.  Now, in the six states where marriage is legal (Massachusetts, Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Maine), I don’t know how marriage impacts your financial planning, but, married legally or not, you should definitely look into the laws of your state and create with your partner something that protects each of you, should something go awry.

There are also several other states in the process of legalizing marriage or who already honor some form of civil unions or domestic partnerships for same sex couples.  If you live in one of those states, these laws may also impact what you do/plan.

If we are totally single and not dating anyone right now, it is truly an amazing time for us to get our own financial acts together, isn’t it?  We have no one else to negotiate with, just ourselves.  And there is a lot we can do to get our financial house into order, so we can become happier, more confident, independent, and, dare I say it – ‘irresistibly attractive’ – as a single person.

Coach Sappho’s ‘Luscious Lesbian Love Quiz’ can help you begin to at least generally assess your own financial health.  Single or coupled, if you haven’t taken the quiz yet, I urge you to do so.  And, then, please contact me to set up your complimentary phone consult.

So, to sum up Orman’s quote from the beginning of this post, if a key part of creating financial health and financial freedom for yourself has to do with valuing yourself more , valuing what you do more and being more valued by the world, where do you begin?

I would suggest that each of us can begin by better surrounding herself with whatever loving reminders, messages, and friends and family who value us and what we do, more often!

What can you do today to value yourself and your time more?

Be sure to post here on the blog and share with the world how you will value yourself more today…

———–

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Some of my current and former clients only recently ‘came out of the closet’.  Some have even been married to a man for some length of time and are choosing to live a more authentic, ‘this is who I really am’ lesbian life for the first time.  And many others have identified, even rather openly, as lesbian for years but they…

• haven’t experience a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship with another woman
• they haven’t felt comfortable asking for what they want
• or they haven’t been aware of what they want romantically, for various reasons, most likely due to the socialization (or lack thereof) women and lesbian women receive when it comes to love, dating and relationships.

As I always remind all of my clients, whether they are single, dating or coupled, two of the most important secrets to creating a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with the woman of their dreams is knowing who you are and what you want.

Just as important, however, as knowing who you are and what you want is:

• being able to live your truth

and

• being willing to be a great partner

When it comes to living one’s truth, let’s face it: until the ‘rubber meets the road’, who you are and what you want is only theoretical.  Meaning, in terms of the world and how you are perceived and whether (and what) you will manifest, the results you achieve are based upon your ability to take actions, millions of them, moment after moment, day after day and year after year, that are aligned with who you believe yourself to be, in the world.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  Although there is nothing wrong with demanding ‘excellence’ of yourself.  In fact, it’s better to ‘expect too much’, I believe, than to not ‘expect enough’ of yourself, in particular your behavior.  And, this gets to the point of today’s post.

As much as it is important to get clear who you are, what you want and as vital as it is to be able to express ‘you’ lovingly, yet clearly in the world, perhaps most important of all, if you hope to create a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman, is being able to be a great partner.

Most of us are aware of what we expect from the woman we invite into our lives, but do you spend as much time learning and practicing becoming a great partner to that woman you expect so much from? (as well you should, by the way!)…

As it’s been said, when it’s easy to be a great partner, that is, on days and during the hours of the day when things are going smooth, you are rested and you aren’t irritable and your partner is the same, being a great partner is much easier than when you are tired, you both disagree or you just don’t feel like being kind or ‘negotiable’ at that moment.

Well now, these tougher moments are when the rubber truly meets the road:  can you be respectful when you aren’t in the mood to be?  None of us are perfect on this one, we’ve all slipped, right, so, let’s cut ourselves and others some (not too much though!) slack during these moments!  

The best, most lasting relationships consist of two individuals who are being great partners.  Why is that?  Because when you have two women doing the very best they can to nurture their relationship, they create the conditions that allow each woman to feel they are being celebrated for who they are while they are treated like a queen.

Certainly then, if you aren’t being a great partner, is it fair to expect your partner to be a great partner?  Hmmmm………..the good news is this:  when you don’t feel like being a great partner, step back and take a deep breath before you do anything else…from there you will have a clearer head and you will be more likely to respond with love (or with no response at all until you are able to make a positive response) instead of reacting in response to your frustration (or some other negative emotion).

I am not saying you sweep important issues under the rug.  I am just saying there is always a time and a place, right? 

Lastly: put one mark in the ‘credit’ column of your relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

Wonderful food for thought, eh?

Have a fabulous afternoon!

Barb Elgin

p.s.  Are you single or dating to meet your life partner?  If you are, be sure to check out Lez Rendezvous, our premiere dating and coaching community for lesbians.  We have a great tele-discussion this evening at 7:30p ET where we are talking about getting ready to attract our soulmates.  Don’t miss it!  Great potential partners hang out here!  And, some ‘love matches’ are already happenin’… 

I also received an email yesterday from my friend Dan Furmansky, executive director of Equality Maryland, who reports that they’ve got a case very similar to New Jerseys, that will be heard by Maryland’s highest court, in December!  So, stay tuned.

Eventhough the righteous right blows alot of hot air and, there remains, in most places in the US, discrimination against gays in terms of their relationships and jobs, things are continuing to improve.  We’ve got a long way to go so, do what you can, every day, to move equality forward!  And that doesn’t mean you have to get active politically, you can do it right in your own backyard by being more authentic with your family, friends and, if you judge it safe, co-workers. 

Even if you aren’t willing to ‘be out’, for example, at work, (because you work in a state that doesn’t protect gays from being fired and your company doesn’t have gay-positive policies), you can still advance equality by speaking up if someone is expressing bigotry on the subject.  You can speak up and/or defend someone else who you know is out and gay in your company.  You can educate others about sexual orientation when you hear misinformation being spread.

And, ‘push the envelope’ with those in your family who are the most ‘neutral’ about supporting you to be who you are.  Or, if someone in your family is, lucky you, very supportive, take some time to thank them and, maybe ask them what the two of you can do to make it more ‘hospitable’ for you to be more yourself with your family.

Believe me – it’s worth it to your own self esteem and physical health.  The results are amazing – those who courageously speak up not only help themselves, they help the world become a more loving, better place for everyone.  Really! 

————————

Sign up for individual or couples coaching between now and 12/31/06 with Barb Elgin and Barb will donate 10% of your fee to the Juno Foundation, a non-profit helping lesbians with Cancer. 

That’s right!  As this is still Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I want to do something to help.  This past year, I started building a relationship with the ladies over at the Juno Foundation, a non-profit based in Orlando, Florida, whose focus is supporting lesbians with cancer.

Every February Juno holds a wonderful dinner and auction event at a nice hotel in Orlando.  This annual dinner is their major fundraiser for the year.   I attended my first one this past winter and had a great time.   I was honored to donate coaching scholarships for the silent auction.  I hear that attendance has been growing each year and it’s becoming quite the ‘dress up’ event for lesbians in Orlando/Central Florida! 

During the event, attendees got to meet one of Juno’s beneficiaries, an African American woman whose cancer put her in a wheel chair but didn’t deter her from coming to tell us about how Juno was helping her and her partner.  I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place.

This summer, I held a charity raffle at St. Pete Pride and named Juno as my chosen charity.  Juno provided me with some wonderful, informative brochures to pass out during the event and I believe many had their consciousness raised as to the prevalence of breast cancer in the lesbian community, and what to do about it.

So, it’s a natural that I would continue to support Juno’s work.  If you’ve been ‘sitting on the fence’ about signing up for coaching, perhaps 10% of your fee towards this worthy charity will get you off the fence!

Just be sure to mention you want 10% of your fee to go to Juno when you sign up for coaching!

Want to learn more about coaching and how it can help you?  Click here, here and here to get started!

————————

Coach Sappho? coming to a town near you in 2007?

Over here at Coach Sappho? we are continuing to prepare for 2007.  And, we need your help doing so.  I plan to bring ‘conscious dating and mating’ for gay and lesbian singles and couples to a town near you in 2007.  I will go where the interest is, so, let me know if you’d like me to come and speak or do a seminar. 

In fact, one of the events I am ready to roll out right now is a two day singles workshop on attracting your soulmate!  Sound juicy?  Let me know what you think.

————————

FREE Relationship Resources from Coach Sappho?:

Barb Elgin’s article series – For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays - at many gay and lesbian web sites!

Don’t know if you noticed, but several gay and lesbian web sites have picked up my five part series, “For Women-Who-Love-Women: 10 Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams by the Holidays”.  Right now you can catch Part Two at Lesbian Nation!

Coach Sappho Releases New, Five Part E-Course:  How to Find Your Life Partner and Her ‘Creating A Life I Love’ private website to the public

This past week I’ve made available to everyone two new, complimentary relationship and relationship-related resources, so, be sure to grab them while they’re hot:

• my intriguing, five part e-course ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’
• Coach Sappho’s Creating a Life I Love Club member site (which was previously for members only).

The e-course comes to your email box five consecutive days and the website is available anytime, using the password you will receive.  The Creating a Life I Love Club site is chock full of personal, relationship, career, financial, etc., life improvement resources.

Click here to sign up for ‘How to Find Your Life Partner’ now.

Click here to receive the link and password to Coach Sappho’s ‘Creating a Life I Love’ Club website now.

Catch Coach Sappho on Internet Radio Live!

And, don’t forget to listen in at the Lesbian Lounge at ‘Gay Internet Radio Live’ next Wednesday night (November 1, 2006), where I’ll be dishing some delectable advice during the ‘Just Say No to Lesbian Bed Death’ portion of the show.  I come on between 9:30-10p ET, but be sure to tune in at 9 to catch all of the fun.  The two show hosts, Donna and Denise, are a hoot!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Barb Elgin