The topic of today’s post is closely related to lesbian love drama, btw. This week a study broke in the media on the ‘divorce virus’.  Divorce virus, you say?  Yes.

The study, led by James Fowler, is a retrospective longitudinal one, meaning they looked at data from other studies such as the Framingham Heart Study.  The study found that relationship breakups can be as contagious as the flu…

I’m not surprised, I’ve been suspecting this phenomenon for a long time now.  For example, there are other well known studies that show those whose parents divorced are at a higher risk of divorcing too.  Fowler’s study found the same effect may be true in friendship circles, meaning friends do highly influence us.  I think this effect is even more heightened because of social networking sites like Facebook.

One of the more intriguing results of the study concerned the universal nature of this phenomenon: the spreading of this kind of  ‘flu’ is psychological, meaning, it’s not dependent on you being geographically close to be infected by it.  For example, if Aunt Flo in Detroit (whom you love very much), is feeling much better after leaving her husband, if your relationship is troubled, you may be more tempted to leave your partner (yes, it’s true!) than you would have been if Aunt Flo hadn’t left dear old Uncle Claude (or if she’d left but found her situation worse since she divorced him).

So why am I mentioning this somewhat sobering information? Because you need to know the truth. There are negative consequences to divorce, breakups and ’serial monogamy’. You need to know what the risk factors are, just like you now know about smoking and eating patterns.

What can you do to protect yourself from the divorce virus? If you are single, choose partners more wisely.  Balance your head and heart in choosing a partner.  If he or she has a history (or pattern) of divorce or relationship breakups, find out why.

If you are in a relationship, learn all you can about preserving your relationship.  And, surround yourself as much as you can with couples who STAY together.  Deepen your friendships with them.  Ultimately, the strength of your relationship is dependent on BOTH of you taking care to prevent the ‘illness’.  So, you, as an individual, should include in ‘innoculating’ yourself, doing all you can to become and remain resilient.

On a larger level, health care and public health professionals and policy makers need to build into our communities ways for us to become more supportive of relationships.  This is not communism, it makes good sense.   Every time a relationship doesn’t endure, we all suffer.  What affects one family affects all families, all communities and the world.

And, often when talking to couples going through a difficult time, I sense a loss of belief in their love. It happens, probably to most couples at some point.  I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.  And, you shouldn’t bear it alone, without support.

I’m here to remind you to ‘keep the faith’.  If you’re single, just know that with the right focus, you can find her.  And, if you’re in a relationship, problems can often be solved or, even if they can’t be solved, they can still be dealt with, and often, without destroying all that you share.

So, today, in the spirit of hope, I give you Shania Twain’s amazing video ‘From this Moment on’.   Just take a few minutes to soak in the message, feeling how it feels to be this connected to love…

Okay, so I’m stuck inside, the weather’s gorgeous and I’d rather be at the pool playing water volleyball right now (instead I had to settle for being Suzy Homemaker – vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen!  Ha!  Burns calories just as well).

I’m on a writing moratorium today. I’m already committed to getting caught up on my articles for One Good Love’s popular E-zine for relationship-minded gays and lesbians.

I’ve got my doggie lying behind me snoring.  Believe it or not, she’s found a new way to cuddle up to me while I work,  She squeezes her – luckily – small body – behind me on the office chair!  Cute, or what?  If only I could find a woman so loyal and into snuggling!  

And on the TV is the Oxygen channel.  Two, a bit dated, but cute movies have been playing in the background today, as I write.  Both stood out to me as movies for women 40 and up, and they are just as full of true-isms as when they were first released.

The first is ‘Must Like Dogs’, the 2005 movie starring Diane Lane, who is middle aged and back on the singles market.  Online dating was much newer then and was highlighted during this chick flick.

‘Must Like Dogs’ ending was sweet – Diane’s character fell for the guy who was more into her than she was into him.  Well, who knows if she fell for him at the end, but she eventually realized how much he really cared for her and, that hooked her.

The other movie is ‘The First Wives Club’, the iconic, 1996 classic with a bevvy of stars including Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and more.

Having been twice a gay divorcee, I can relate to much of these character’s resentment, even though their exes are men.

The First Wives Club was so popular then and now because it is a story reflecting so many of life’s challenges, when it comes to love…

• betrayal
• going through the stages of loss including denial, anger, resentment and revenge, as well as sadness
• losing confidence
• regaining one’s mojo through a combination of leaning on one’s social supports, learning from others who’ve risen above their loss (ie: Ivana Trump tells them to ‘not get mad, get everything’), laughing through the pain, and moving on with a renewed sense of sexiness and power
• being more confident THIS TIME in love – for example: being more assertive with new partners
• remembering those still struggling with confidence by ‘giving back’ and starting a crisis center for women

Wow – in the movie Bette Midler goes to a gay bar with her newly-out-to-her lesbian daughter and commiserates with a middle-aged lesbian crying over the loss of her 18 year partner to ‘a teenager who weighs 12 pounds’.  Can anyone reading this relate!?!  Ultimately, Bette’s character is finding out that, gay or straight, loves and losses are similar, no matter what a person’s sexual orientation is.

And, by the way, recently, the myth that women over 40 have a lesser chance of finding love than getting hit by a bus was debunked.  This is especially true in the lesbian community.

No, it is true that it’s tough being noticed when you are 40 or over, even in the lesbian community.  In some ways it seems the lesbian social and media scene has become more like the straight and, gay male scene – overly-focused on youth, materialism, partying, etc. This shouldn’t surprise anyone – our community is a reflection of the wider society.

So, the long and short of my meanderings in this post is this: Keep the faith.  In life, in love and, most importantly…IN YOURSELF.

Speaking of this very topic of believing in yourself, I’m offering a FREE 60 minute tele-seminar this coming week (two times – one on Tuesday night and the other on Thursday night) on

10 Steps to Finding Your Soul Mate

It’ll be a lot of fun.  Learn from the comfort and privacy of home.  Ask the love coach (moi!), any question you want about love, dating, getting over your ex, etc.

If you want more information, just email me and I’ll send you details so you can attend.

Whether you are single, dating or coupled, it’s time for YOU to begin the journey to experiencing more of what you want in your love life!   To help you continue your journey to a more amazing love life, I want to invite you to an exciting new tele-seminar I’m leading called

Coach Sappho’s ‘Secrets to Creating the Love Life You Deserve’ Tele-Discussion

You see, I’m sure you know success in anything requires more than reading a book, taking a quiz or, even chillin’ and having fun.  Success happens when we learn not only what works, but when we learn how to DO what works. Easier said than done, right?  All of this can seem pretty daunting, especially when it comes to love and relationships.

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

Speaking of which, I’ll be leading this coming Thursday’s show.  Donna has some important activist work to do that she’d committed to before I changed our podcast day and time.  Donna will be back for our 2/18 show.

I hope you’ll join me on the live call.  It’ll be our Valentine’s Show.  I’ll be dishing tips for singles (Valentines is often a challenging time for singles) and couples and talking about the other great holiday the GLBT community celebrates during Valentine’s – Freedom to Marry Week.

This picture was taken right after the first of two speed dates I led on the cruise.  On the left is my co-host comedian and star of the Big Gay Sketch Show Kate McKinnon.

In the middle is Dani Campbell, of MTV’s reality show A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila.  One lucky gal who attended our speed date won a date with Dani!  I’m still trying to track them down to find out the scoop on how the date went! 

Not pictured, but important to mention is Lori, my bud from New Orleans who picked me up at the airport, took me back to the airport to go home, treated me to two days on the town in New Orleans with her friends AND helped me sign up speed daters and run the first speed date.  Thanks so much Lori!

All in all, we had two very successful speed dates on the cruise for the single ladies.  It seemed like everyone who attended had a great time.  Often I had to literally pry the women away from their dates to move on to their next date.  These gals loved to chat!

After each speed date yours truly sneaked back to her cabin, tallied all the matches and then flitted through the cruise ship, like the love fairy, delivering notices of matches to the many single ladies on board.

If you attended one or both of the speed dates, please let me know if you went out on any dates with your matches and, how it went.  Also – if you’ve decided to continue to date your match/matches, I’d love to hear about it!

Here we go again! Can you believe the holidays are almost upon us? For singles, holidays can be difficult in unique ways. While couples may be stressing out over which family to spend the holidays with or, arguing over how to budget for gifts, singles are often feeling lonely and ‘left out’. And, financially speaking, many don’t realize being single during the holidays can be tough in that you don’t have a partner to share the costs of gift giving.

Many singles dread the holidays because they fear going to parties and events alone. It’s easy to suggest to singles to ‘go with a group to parties’ or ‘call and invite a friend’, however, these solutions are not always practical or realistic.

Most singles will have to go to some events alone during the holidays.  What’s probably most upsetting about this for many singles is knowing there isn’t a partner to go to some events with, like they see their friends and family members doing.  When you have a partner, going alone to some events, when it’s necessary, isn’t as much of a bummer because you know you are going home to your partner.

While attending events with family and friends is nice, but it’s not the same as having a romantic partner to share time with during the holidays. Coupled lesbians often forget how it felt to be single during the holidays. If that’s you, ‘remember to remember’ your single friends this holiday season when you can.  Or, perhaps more importantly: just stay tuned into your friend. Does she (or doesn’t she) get upset during the holidays? If she does get bugged, what bugs her and how does she like to be supported when frustrated or experiencing negative feelings?

For those of us who celebrate Christmas, who hasn’t walked under the mistletoe at a dinner or party?  New Year’s Eve tends to be a particularly difficult holiday for many singles. Just imagine your favorite image of New Year’s Eve. Chances are you see couples partying the night away, including the proverbial kissing that goes at midnight.

So what’s a single lesbian got to do to get a date for New Year’s Eve?

If you are single (and not dating) right now, you can still find a date in time for New Year’s Eve, if you want one. It’s far from too late to get started. In the meantime, you may even find more than just a great date for the evening.

One secret to finding a great date for New Year’s Eve is taking some time today to begin getting focused on reaching your goal. You can easily start by setting aside 5-10 minutes to find a quiet, comfortable place to sit and visualize ‘in your mind’s eye’ that evening, complete with what you will be doing, where you will go, etc.

While you are dreaming up this wonderful vision, use ALL of your senses. Don’t just stop at the visual. Also dream with sounds, tastes, smells, touch, etc. Enjoy the process. After you’ve created a really cool ‘day dream’, just let your vision go. Then trust that you’ve already begun to set into motion your reaching your goal.

Want to learn four more secrets to attracting a great date for New Year’s Eve? Join me for Coach Sappho’s 5 Secrets to Finding a GREAT Date for New Year’s Eve.  We’ve offering three different days and times for the tele-seminars, to accomodate a wide variety of schedules and time zones.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out? Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Greg Halpen, TheGayGuysLoveCoach

I had a blast last night talking with Greg Halpen on Blogtalkradio’s TheGayGuysLoveCoach.  Thank you to Greg for inviting me onto the show and for being such a tremendous host.

Greg and I covered several ‘juicy’ areas during our discussion.  We even had a wedding planner call in to discuss how to handle couples who get ‘testy’ during the wedding preparations process.

Be sure you click here to listen in, the show lasted approximately 30 minutes.  You can listen via streaming and you can download a copy of the show via mp3 as well.

BTW, Greg and I are cooking up an event for the single gals and guys in New York City later this summer, so, be on the lookout for more information to come soon!

GetSteady.com today announced the official launch of its exclusive lesbian and gay dating community with the added reassurance of fully verified member photos. To celebrate the occasion, GetSteady.com is giving away three free months of unlimited access to everyone registering by February 28, 2009.

New York, NY (PRWEB) February 11, 2009 — GetSteady.com (http://getsteady.com), an exclusive gay and lesbian singles community with fully verified member photos, today announced its official site launch. The new website serves gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual and transgender individuals throughout the United States. Further setting its service apart, GetSteady.com is one of the only gay dating (http://getsteady.com) sites requiring all members confirm their authenticity via photo verification.

“I’m thrilled to officially launch GetSteady.com just in time for Valentine’s Day,” states Michael Zuyus, founder of GetSteady.com. “GetSteady was designed to help serious-minded men and women who are frustrated with the casual and superficial nature of gay online dating. GetSteady definitely fills a void in the industry, catering to those seeking honesty and commitment while offering a fun upbeat experience at the same time.”

To celebrate the occasion, GetSteady.com is giving away three free months of unlimited access to everyone registering by February 28, 2009. As an added benefit, members receive rewards points redeemable for gift cards from popular stores, GetSteady merchandise and free subscriptions. Points are earned for photo verification, qualified referrals and subscription.

Both members and non-members gain access to advice, news, gossip and stories from GetSteady.com featured bloggers including The Gay Love Coach, Brian Rzepczynski, MSW, known for his popular website The Gay Love Coach (http://thegaylovecoach.com) and advice column catering to gay dating, sexuality, and relationships, and Coach Sappho, America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach, Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, known for her website Coach Sappho (http://coachsappho.com).

“I’m thrilled to partner with GetSteady.com as one of the site’s featured bloggers,” explains Brian Rzepczynski. “In this role, I’ll help members understand their personal value system, requirements for a partner and a relationship. I’ll also provide advice on building a well-crafted personal ad that attracts the right type of personality and partner.”

“As a lesbian business owner and love coach who has served the lesbian community for over 20 years,” Barb Elgin continues, “I am extremely excited to partner with GetSteady, whose mission aligns with Coach Sappho and Lez Rendezvous in terms of helping lesbians make more authentic, fruitful, romantic connections and quality friendships online.”

To search member profiles, become a member or read GetSteady featured blogs, visit GetSteady.com (http://getsteady.com/).

About GetSteady.com

GetSteady.com is one of the only gay dating (http://getsteady.com) sites mandating verified photo authenticity of all active members. The website serves the serious-minded gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual and transgender community throughout the United States, with a cost-effective, highly competitive subscription plan to ensure access for everyone. Features include popular blogs by well-known columnists, Rewards Points valid for gift cards and merchandise, friend, hot, hit and block lists. Members can also tell other members they’re interested at no cost.

LESBIANS OVER 35 LOOKING TO RE-DEFINE ROMANCE AND RELATIONSHIPS
Lesbians over the age of 35 now have an exciting new way to meet that special someone.

Summerfield, FL – February 10th, 2009 – As lesbians move away from early adulthood and become more mature, many re-assess their approach to meeting that special someone.

“With so many dating and social networks now targeting younger lesbians, I saw the lack of expert, focused support for lesbians who are seeking a life partner and decided to create something unique and appealing to the more experienced, mature lesbian woman,” said Barb Elgin, a Certified Singles, Dating and Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience and the founder of Lez Rendezvous. “Lesbians over the age of 35 now have both access to a group of established women like themselves and the tools they’ll need to attract, grow and sustain a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman.”

Lez Rendezvous was created by Elgin, a 35+ lesbian herself, with the idea that lesbians over 35 have unique challenges meeting women of their caliber and age. Lesbians 35 and over are wise enough now to know they must not only be more selective in discovering who is a great partner for them but they must also learn to be a great partner.

Reports Elgin,“Finally, the mature lesbian has a healthy, supportive meeting place for maximizing her potential on what I call the ‘journey of love’. While our ultimate goal is helping each lesbian attract a compatible woman they can grow a vibrant, lasting bond with in this lifetime, Lez Rendezvous is also about helping lesbians become happily single, which is, by the way, key to attracting a great partner. And, lastly, Lez Rendezvous endeavors to  support lesbians in forming healthy, vibrant friendships with other lesbians that last a lifetime. Strong, supportive friendships help couples succeed.” Members have full access to cutting-edge coaching, a private web site full of resources for the 35+ lesbian woman, and workshops on dating and relationships.

Lez Rendezvous announces its launch by offering a Free 15 minute one-on-one laser coaching session twice a month (a $50 value), Free Singles Classes (90 minutes per month, a $150 value) and a Free Singles Mingle event once a month for each new member.

“35+ lesbians will now truly have a place to go where they can be assured they’re meeting like-minded, same-aged women,” says Elgin. “Lez Rendezvous is “the” 35 and over lesbian dating and relationship resource.”

###

About Lez Rendezvous – Lez Rendezvous is a place where mature lesbians can go for personal guidance in re-defining romance and relationships in their lives. Lez Rendezvous caters to the more mature, sophisticated lesbian woman who is seeking the same. Unlike other lesbian dating sites or social networking groups, Lez Rendezvous is membership based and services a specific lesbian age group and mindset. For more information, visit www.lezrendezvous.com.

About Barb Elgin – Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW (AKA ‘Coach Sappho’), is a Certified Singles and Dating and Relationship Coach, with over 20 years of professional experience in addition to being a mature, 35+ lesbian. She has received specialized training in relationship coaching with the Relationship Coaching Institute, as well as personal, corporate and business coach training with Coachville.

Ms. Elgin currently serves on the Board of the Maryland Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. In addition, she holds memberships with…

* The National Association of Social Workers
* The Executive Circle of the Women’s Business Initiative, The National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce
* The Founder’s Circle, Echelon Magazine
* The Human Rights Campaign

For more information, visit http://www.coachsappho.com/about/bio.php .

— END —