I was reflecting on yesterday’s post on the issue of partnership agreements and laws regarding love and relationships.
One issue I always remind single clients about, BEFORE they choose to become overly invested in being in relationship with a particular woman is thinking about how they want to do so. And, yes, the key part of this is that YES, we consent to every decision we make. The problem with love relationships is that, often, it feels like we don’t have control.
So, how is it that many of us keep ourselves together when it comes to our careers, but then we lose it when it comes to love? Most likely it is because, in our culture, women have been trained to put others first and think of themselves last. This is a serious issue when it comes to formalizing a lifelong bond with another woman. It’s an especially serious issue when it comes to being ready for the REAL thing: legal marriage!
If you truly desire to create a lifelong partnership with another woman, you must also be truly concerned about protecting your own, INDIVIDUAL interests within that relationship. Ooooh, did I just hit on a BIG ‘invisible elephant’ in the room? Don’t trample on me, I’m just the messenger…. 
One of the most frequently expressed reasons I hear single lesbians give for the failure of previous relationships is…
"I lost myself in the relationship"
So, it seems to me this issue of having a better sense of not only who you are and what you want but, also, knowing how to get it when emotions are high and much is at stake – is very important.
Where do you start? A great place to begin is learning how to…
balance your head with your heart
What do I mean when I say balance your head with your heart? Primarily, I mean be an active participant in your relationship, from day one! This means going against the grain of what many of us are taught as ‘good little girls’.
Niceness is not always nice, for you. It usually means putting other’s needs, wants and requirements ahead of your own. What’s the problem with this, you say? Isn’t being nice important?
Where has ‘nice-ness’ gotten you, when it comes to love? Has being nice both gotten you what you want or helped you create the type of relationship you truly want with another woman?
I’ve seen so many cases where one or both partners in a relationship claims ‘my partner controlled everything’ and then, when I ask her how that happened she is not able to see her part in creating those conditions. See, it’s so much easier to let someone else take the blame!
Letting someone else be ‘in the driver’s seat’ is a valid choice with rewards. But, the consequences can be pretty steep.
Being an active participant in your partnership means, if you are of potentially ‘lesser power’ in your partnership – by way of age, income, investments, career, confidence or whatever – you MUST be ready to speak up all the time because you may be letting your partner take a more active role because you think of yourself as less than. You are never ‘less than’ for any reason.
I am not even saying that more powerful partners do this intentionally (although some do). I am saying that really satisfying relationships come about when YOU are feeling satisfied too, and usually we are more satisfied when it’s something you’ve created with your partner, instead of her ‘taking over’.
I’ve tended to find that yes, we can feel satisfied when our partner is happy because we ‘did it her way’, but ultimately, that tactic doesn’t always work for us, if we let it happen that way too often. And, when it comes to the major decisions in a relationship, you MUST be equally involved in decisionmaking, from the beginning, or, I can almost guarantee you that long term, you will be unhappy.
So, whether you are single or in a relationship, you need to remember that every deeply satisfying, long lasting relationship is really about nurturing three relationships:
Unhappiness results from you giving up the me! And it all starts by beliefs such as…
- I’m not as capable, important and worthy as anyone else (or I let someone convince me of such).
- She won’t love me anymore/find me sexy enough anymore, etc., if I am honest with her about what I think and feel.
It all starts with the ME: You need to know what you require, need and want BEFORE you become more than casually involved with another woman.
So – what can you do today to think more of yourself as a worthy individual who has her own likes, dislikes, beliefs, ideas, values, etc.?
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
