I love what I do because I know, personally and professionally, how important love is to all of us.  Research is showing, more and more, how vital a healthy, happy love relationship is to a person’s quality of life.  This is all the more reason it’s important to fight for our relationship rights.  We deserve to have access to the experience of marriage, which is an opportunity unlike any other for finding the ultimate romantic fulfillment.

Yes, people like to joke about the fervor with which many gays and lesbians wish to be married.  Straight comedians like to say, ‘I’m for gay marriage – Why not let gays and lesbians have all the hassle of marriage too!?!’.  Well, they have a point, but, ultimately they are speaking from a much different perspective from which I come: they’ve never NOT had the right to marry who they want to marry.  Big difference!

People who don’t ‘get’ it also don’t get that it’s NOT just about our individual rights.  When a person is able to freely pursue their happiness fully, the entire society benefits.  People who are fully supported with a caring, loving relationship at home are more likely to be productive at work, use less health care, contribute positively to other relationships and their communities, etc.

I want to be as vocal and confident as Dan Choi is (as he talks about military matters) when it comes to telling society to drop the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ attitude towards our right to love.  How about you?

How did Dan Choi become so confident and eloquent in his ability to break through barriers and advance the conversation about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’? I believe Dan has spent some quality time brushing up on his ‘Inner Game’,  just as lesbians need to do when it comes to their romantic life.  I also believe the challenge of his experiences – being in the closet on the job, being outed and being ousted for being gay – have helped him develop the inner strength to find the courage to speak out.

Your beliefs and feelings about yourself, about being a lesbian, about lesbian sexuality, etc., will dictate how you approach dating and mating.  For example, if you aren’t open with your straight family and friends about your partner when it comes to sharing aspects of your ‘coupled’ life that typical straight folk talk about, chances are your love relationship is suffering the effects.

Or, if you are single, but no one in your family and none of your straight friends know, how are they going to fix you up with Mz. Right???

Straight singles and couples benefit greatly (in large and small ways) by just being who they are with other family members.  Straight singles get some well-needed sympathy and support from others, while going through the experience of being alone, re-entering the dating world, navigating divorce, etc.

Straight couples can ‘kvetch’ to family about current stresses and, it’s oh-so-nice to get anniversary cards every year to remind each of you that your relationship is recognized and, it exists!

That’s what your goal needs to be: to feel this comfortable sharing with family and your closest friends.

So, Barb, you say, what do you do if you aren’t yet ‘out’ to your family or your family has given signals they aren’t happy about you ‘flaunting your lifestyle in their face’? Well, you need to begin somewhere.  Each person’s situation is different.  If you’d like some help specific to your situation, contact me to discuss.  Don’t leave this one to a book or ‘well meaning’ friends.

For most of us, the way our family is treating us today, is the result of what we have been allowing.  That’s right!  So, what I mean is that there is probably something you can do to improve your ability to be more authentic with your family.

It all begins with you being willing to be more authentic with yourself…

More to come!

Photo:  courtesy of Wikipedia.org.

We hope you can join us during the live shows, but, if you can’t, be sure to pick up your free copy of Coach Sappho’s Podcast for listening when it’s right for you.  All podcast subscribers get free copies of all of our podcasts.

Speaking of which, I’ll be leading this coming Thursday’s show.  Donna has some important activist work to do that she’d committed to before I changed our podcast day and time.  Donna will be back for our 2/18 show.

I hope you’ll join me on the live call.  It’ll be our Valentine’s Show.  I’ll be dishing tips for singles (Valentines is often a challenging time for singles) and couples and talking about the other great holiday the GLBT community celebrates during Valentine’s – Freedom to Marry Week.

Wow – what great news!  You know this topic is something I write about often and I’d like to thank Wendy for choosing to study lesbians who are married.  I’m sure her work will add to the growing body of research showing that gay marriage supports a more successful, healthy (not just ‘just’) society.

Please consider contacting Wendy if you meet her study guidelines or, pass the information on to someone who does!  She’s challenging us to help her out – if she gets at least 300 completed surveys she will donate $500 to the National Center for Lesbian Rights.

Barb Elgin

—————–

Hello Fellow Lesbians!

I am a lesbian, PhD student, in Public Health investigating lesbians in different relationships and their health and quality of life. I live in Spokane, WA with my domestic partner of 6+ years, and my two grown sons.

There is little existing research on lesbians and the effect their relationships have on their mental health, physical health, and quality of life. I am studying lesbians who:

• Reside in Massachusetts, and are legally married to a lesbian partner,
• Reside in Washington State, and are registered domestic partners, and
• Reside in Florida, and are in a committed relationship with a lesbian partner.

The title of my doctoral dissertation is: The Effect of Marriage on Lesbians’ Mental Health, Physical Health, and Quality of Life.  If you meet one of these residency and relationship categories, I am asking for your participation in my survey as part of my research.

The survey will take approximately 15-20 minutes to complete, and is completely voluntary. Surveys will be kept anonymous and confidential. My research is funded solely by me and I have no sponsored affiliations with any LGBT organizations.

If I receive 300+ completed surveys, I will personally contribute $500 to the National Center for Lesbians Rights towards their advocacy efforts on behalf of our lesbian community.

If you have any questions or concerns, or are interested in the research results, please feel free to contact me.

Thank you for your tine and consideration!

Wendy Payne, MSPH, MA

Survey URL http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/L8XG8G5

If you know of other lesbians who meet my participant criteria please feel free to forward the survey link to them. Thank you again!

However, after reading an excellent article by Bonnie Osborn in the September 2009 issue of Jane and Jane Magazine entitled, ‘Feeling the Pinch: Health care inequities result in financial penalties for lesbian couples’, I was reminded that health ‘care’ is only one problem lesbians face in our current health care system.

Did you know lesbian couples are also penalized economically by the way our current health care system is set up?  And that this penalizing is repeated and compounded?

For example, even though two of my sisters stay at home and don’t work, they have health care through their husband’s employers.  And, even though another sister works, her husband stays home and receives full ‘spouse’ benefits (including health care, life insurance, etc.).  And, I’m not even talking about all the children they have – eight between the three of them – who are covered on these various health care plans as well.

I, on the other hand, could not put my partner on my health insurance (back when I had a partner).  And, my partners were never able to put me on their plans.  Meaning:  if at some point one of us had become unemployed and, heaven forbid, become ill, what would we do?

It becomes even more complicated when we talk about being laid off.  Even if I’d at some point had the ability to add my partner to my benefits, my partner said she would have been afraid to do so.  After all, if I later changed jobs, who knows if that new employer would have domestic partner coverage?  Given the fact insurance coverage isn’t assured/universal, she would’ve had to go through another period of underwriting and possible exclusion.  I know that’s never even a thought for straight couples.

Yes, in some places, and with some large companies, same sex partners do have access to partner benefits.  But, over all, only a minority of lesbians in America have such access.

And, to add insult, the federal government taxes partner benefits as ‘taxable income’!  Wow -  even when we have access, we pay a price straight couples don’t: when a same sex partner is on her partner’s insurance she gets to, you guessed it: pay taxes on having the honor of such a benefit!

And, guess what?  The employer is penalized too.  So, good luck getting many employers to want to cover same sexed partners on their insurance plans!

Lesbians have the highest uninsured rate

Worse yet, for those who don’t have the honor of paying these additional taxes, many of these coupled lesbians remain uninsured, because they can’t afford their own insurance!  Can you imagine the spouse of a straight person going through this state of affairs?

According to Osborn, a recent survey found that lesbians as a group had more uninsured than gay men and heterosexuals.  In fact lesbians were almost twice as likely to be uninsured as heterosexuals.

Is it any surprise then, that lesbians, as a group, are consistently poorer than gay men and heterosexuals, especially as they grow older?

Here’s another common example of how the current system hurts lesbians financially: if your partner takes ill and needs your help, what do you do?  Here’s one extreme:  military personnel often wouldn’t even think of taking off to help a partner because of the attention it might put on them.  They’d fear a court martial (it happens…often, and not just on The L Word).

Often then, for these individuals, benefits earned are never used.  Perhaps then the couple has to pay for home health care, all out of their own pocket (if they have the resources to do so).

More common is the scenario where a partner has to use vacation time to stay home and help a same sexed partner, whereas a straight partner would be able to use sick time instead.  This matters for those whose retirement benefits depend on accrued vacation time.

Or, what happens when a partner doesn’t have any sick or vacation time to use?  Will her employer allow her to take ‘leave without pay’?  Who can even afford to do that in today’s economy?

Osborn notes that these sorts of ‘institutionalized inequities’…

“Add up to hundreds and even thousands of dollars of financial penalties each year”.

Yikes!  No wonder so many of us can never get ahead.  Many of us are already being ‘under paid’ because we are women.

Why aren’t lesbians more upset about this state of affairs? Perhaps because we don’t have any energy left, after we work all the extra hours and jobs we need, to pay off these debts!

And, of course, worries about whether a doctor will provide you inferior care (because he or she doesn’t like gays or doesn’t know you are gay), and economic inequities are far from the only disparities lesbians face in today’s health care system.

Worries about whether all the legal papers we pay to draw up to protect our wishes in times of emergencies still exist.  There are many instances of couples having their advance directives ignored.  Tragic examples include the Lisa Pond story.

Here again, we lose financially.  Setting up living wills and power of attorney documents correctly can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars.  By the way, when was the last time a hospital asked a straight spouse to produce paper work to prove ‘next of kin’?

And in a cruel irony, even the two democratic presidents we’ve had in the past 20-30 years who are pro-gay have (or are) hurting us when it comes to easing these burdens:

• President Clinton’s signing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in the 1990′s makes it illegal for the federal government to recognize legal gay relationships and allows states to deny recognition as well.  In fact, according to Osborn, “recently same sex partners of laid off workers weren’t able to receive payments to help pay for COBRA health insurance that the partners of heterosexual partners received, because of DOMA.”
• President Obama has relegated DOMA to the bottom of his priority list and, when the issue has come up, has given a mixed message at best (while he has said he wants to repeal DOMA, recently, when the issue came up in a court case, his administration defended it).

In my (and Osborn’s) opinion, another of the many good reasons to support the House of Representative’s HR 3200 ‘America’s Affordable Health Choices Act’ is that it does redress a couple of the systematic problems plaguing lesbians in the current system:  HR 3200 would set up a system to collect data on gays and lesbians (which would then prove the disparities and need for other reforms) and it would also stop the taxation of same sex partner health benefits.

Be sure you check out Osborn’s article.  It should get you good and mad and speaking up to your congress person/persons.

BE well,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Today’s post is a lovely one, sent to me by my colleague Souldancer.  As I share today’s post I am reminded of London’s recent decision to hold a ‘stop and smell the roses’ sort of day.

My post today includes an article about a physician from Tokyo who has been sharing his wisdom on living a long and happy life.  It seems he may know a few things about the topic:  he’s almost 98 years old and still working!

I hope you will take a few moments to read the article.  It gave me pause as I considered ‘common’ medical wisdom.  This 98 year old physician makes some ‘extraordinary ordinary’ suggestions worth considering.

For me, the biggest ‘golden nuggets’ or my takeaways based on the doc’s article (and life) is to stay busy and active doing what you love – mentally, physically, socially, etc.  Keep your mind and body engaged in life.  And, eat less and move more.

I also want to add that, of course, the views (and suggestions) expressed here are the doc’s not mine.  I wonder what other events doc didn’t mention that led to his living this long, ones he may not even be aware of.  Certainly the impact of genes are important.  Ultimately, I think the best context to take the doc’s suggestion are to ‘look for the clues’ here.

I think in total it’s probably a ‘mystery’ (or perhaps better stated, it’s a unique combination of the interaction of a multitude of factors) that explains why some of us live to be 98 like this doc.  Look for example, at his diet.  He’s probably following a diet quite similar to the one Dr. Mahmet Oz refers to in his suggestions about diet and eating.

This doc didn’t spend most of his life eating ‘fast food’ I’ll bet!  Having said all of that, it is interesting to mull over true stories like this one for the possible ideas we can try ourselves!

I’d also suggest you consider evaluating the level of satisfaction you are feeling and the competence you have available to you in your own health care.  For example, do you have a great, consistent relationship with at least one physician you trust?  If you do at least see a doctor on some regular basis, do you need to increase that?  Do you talk with your doc about what he or she recommends for you?

Because today’s health care is so costly and because many of us rely heavily on the internet for information, many of us may be doing more ‘self diagnosis and treatment’ than we should. For example, consider the growth of the vitamin and supplement industry.  Many times people are taking so-called ‘natural’ supplements that may be actually dangerous to them.  Or, they may be wasting their money.

So, before you take supplements that aren’t prescribed to you for prevention or treatment, be sure to tell your doctor what you are thinking about and get his or her opinion on that supplement(s). Ultimately, yes, it’s your right to do what you want with your body.  But, you would be wise to get a well rounded set of opinions from health professionals you trust before you change your routine.

I define a health care professional as someone who is…

• trained in the problem or concern you have
• experienced in the particular concern, illness, or problem you have
• a member of a reputable professional association related to his/her area of practice
• licensed to practice in the state you live in

Why are these things important? While incompetent providers can and do sometimes meet all of the above criteria, it is more likely you will get a minimum standard of care and safety when your providers meet the above minimums.  You still have to be an assertive patient when receiving care at all times.  That’s why I like Dr. Oz’s suggestion everyone have a ‘health advocate’.

How about you?  Post your thoughts right here on Coach Sappho’s blog!

Author/physician Shigeaki Hinohara
By JUDIT KAWAGUCHI

At the age of 97 years and 4 months, Shigeaki Hinohara is one of the world’s longest-serving physicians and educators. Hinohara’s magic touch is legendary: Since 1941 he has been healing patients at St. Luke’s International Hospital in Tokyo and teaching at St. Luke’s College of Nursing. After World War II, he envisioned a world-class hospital and college springing from the ruins of Tokyo; thanks to his pioneering spirit and business savvy, the doctor turned these institutions into the nation’s top medical facility and nursing school. Today he serves as chairman of the board of trustees at both organizations.

Always willing to try new things, he has published around 150 books since his 75th birthday, including one “Living Long, Living Good” that has sold more than 1.2 million copies. As the founder of the New Elderly Movement, Hinohara encourages others to live a long and happy life, a quest in which no role model is better than the doctor himself.

Energy comes from feeling good, not from eating well or sleeping a lot.We all remember how as children, when we were having fun, we often forgot to eat or sleep. I believe that we can keep that attitude as adults, too. It’s best not to tire the body with too many rules such as lunchtime and bedtime.

All people who live long — regardless of nationality, race or gender — share one thing in common: None are overweight. For breakfast I drink coffee, a glass of milk and some orange juice with a tablespoon of olive oil in it. Olive oil is great for the arteries and keeps my skin healthy. Lunch is milk and a few cookies, or nothing when I am too busy to eat. I never get hungry because I focus on my work. Dinner is veggies, a bit of fish and rice, and, twice a week, 100 grams of lean meat.

Always plan ahead. My schedule book is already full until 2014, with lectures and my usual hospital work. In 2016 I’ll have some fun, though: I plan to attend the Tokyo Olympics!

There is no need to ever retire, but if one must, it should be a lot later than 65. The current retirement age was set at 65 half a century ago, when the average life-expectancy in Japan was 68 years and only 125 Japanese were over 100 years old. Today, Japanese women live to be around 86 and men 80, and we have 36,000 centenarians in our country. In 20 years we will have about 50,000 people over the age of 100.

Share what you know. I give 150 lectures a year, some for 100 elementary-school children, others for 4,500 business people. I usually speak for 60 to 90 minutes, standing, to stay strong.

When a doctor recommends you take a test or have some surgery, ask whether the doctor would suggest that his or her spouse or children go through such a procedure. Contrary to popular belief, doctors can’t cure everyone. So why cause unnecessary pain with surgery? I think music and animal therapy can help more than most doctors imagine.

To stay healthy, always take the stairs and carry your own stuff. I take two stairs at a time, to get my muscles moving.

My inspiration is Robert Browning’s poem “Abt Vogler.” My father used to read it to me. It encourages us to make big art, not small scribbles. It says to try to draw a circle so huge that there is no way we can finish it while we are alive. All we see is an arch; the rest is beyond our vision but it is there in the distance.

Pain is mysterious, and having fun is the best way to forget it. If a child has a toothache, and you start playing a game together, he or she immediately forgets the pain. Hospitals must cater to the basic need of patients: We all want to have fun. At St. Luke’s we have music and animal therapies, and art classes.

Don’t be crazy about amassing material things. Remember: You don’t know when your number is up, and you can’t take it with you to the next place.

Hospitals must be designed and prepared for major disasters, and they must accept every patient who appears at their doors. We designed St. Luke’s so we can operate anywhere: in the basement, in the corridors, in the chapel. Most people thought I was crazy to prepare for a catastrophe, but on March 20, 1995, I was unfortunately proven right when members of the Aum Shinrikyu religious cult launched a terrorist attack in the Tokyo subway. We accepted 740 victims and in two hours figured out that it was sarin gas that had hit them. Sadly we lost one person, but we saved 739 lives.

Science alone can’t cure or help people. Science lumps us all together, but illness is individual. Each person is unique, and diseases are connected to their hearts. To know the illness and help people, we need liberal and visual arts, not just medical ones.

Life is filled with incidents. On March 31, 1970, when I was 59 years old, I boarded the Yodogo, a flight from Tokyo to Fukuoka. It was a beautiful sunny morning, and as Mount Fuji came into sight, the plane was hijacked by the Japanese Communist League-Red Army Faction. I spent the next four days handcuffed to my seat in 40-degree heat. As a doctor, I looked at it all as an experiment and was amazed at how the body slowed down in a crisis.

Find a role model and aim to achieve even more than they could ever do. My father went to the United States in 1900 to study at Duke University in North Carolina. He was a pioneer and one of my heroes. Later I found a few more life guides, and when I am stuck, I ask myself how they would deal with the problem.

It’s wonderful to live long. Until one is 60 years old, it is easy to work for one’s family and to achieve one’s goals. But in our later years, we should strive to contribute to society. Since the age of 65, I have worked as a volunteer. I still put in 18 hours seven days a week and love every minute of it.

When a client shares with me that they don’t think it’s safe to be ‘out’ to their provider(s), I encourage them to seek affirmative providers, but, often, there is a lack of affirmative providers in an area OR there is at least, a lack of underground wisdom in a community about which physicians, nurse practitioners, etc. to seek out.

So, organizations like Mautner Project are vital for our community.  They are on ‘the front lines’ educating providers and changing the system to be more welcoming as well as providing direct care support to lesbians in the Washington, D.C. area who are currently dealing with the real life challenges of living with cancer.

I’m on Mautner’s mailing list and today I received an announcement that they are having a volunteer orientation to help serve a group of 20 women (and their partners).  Can you help?  If you are in the Washington, D.C. area and you have some time on April 14th, I hope you will attend.

Here’s all the details:

We need you to join a team of volunteers to support our sisters. Find out how at our next Volunteer Orientation! Both new and experienced volunteers are encouraged to attend.
Tuesday, April 14 from 6:45-8:45
1875 Connecticut Avenue, Suite 710
(next to the Washington Hilton, just north of Dupont Circle)

You’ll meet other volunteers who share the same generous impulse to give back, as well as Executive Director Leslie Calman, Volunteer of the Year 2009 Dee Dragan, Acting Director of Client Services Elizabeth Ide and some of our other “veteran” volunteers. We’ll show you the ropes – and there are many tasks to choose from:

• Some of our volunteers want a strong connection to a single client – driving her to chemo appointments, accompanying her to a doctor’s appointment to take notes, visiting in the hospital.
• Other volunteers prefer to run errands – picking up groceries, or babysitting a child or grandchild, or doing some yard work like mowing the lawn.
• Some women need assistance filling out insurance forms or keeping up with paying monthly bills.

And four times a year, you’ll be invited to a volunteer brunch to meet each other and share ideas.  Please call Elizabeth Ide or Dee Dragan at 202.332.5536 for more information, or to sign up.  Or email us at eide@mautnerproject.org. Be sure to leave your contact information.

We hope you’ll join our team of volunteers. Mautner Project is more than a terrific gala: we’re a community of caring. We hope you can share some time with us, for all of us.

Look forward to seeing you -

Leslie Calman, Executive Director
Dee Dragan, Volunteer of the Year
Elizabeth Ide, Client Services Coordinator

P.S. Mautner Project also needs volunteers throughout the year to help with events, and to do work in the office. If you’re interested in either, please call Crystal Foley at 202.332.5536, or email cfoley@mautnerproject.org. And thanks!

P.S.P.S  And, post right here on the blog and let us know what you do to help.

Lez Be Together

We’ve been talking about it’s birth during meetings of Coach Sappho’s Couples Circle for months now and, I’ve finally gotten it together enough to put it out there.

Lez Be Together is free, all the way, and it’s for anyone who values deeply satisfying, lasting love relationships.  Lez Be Together also supports couples who recognize how improving one’s relationship with one’s romantic partner usually contains gems for helping us improve other important relationships in our lives, including parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, family relationships, work relationships, etc.

Lez Be Together has a boatload of online opportunities for you to celebrate your relationship, strike up discussions that enthrall you on the subject, connect with other like-minded couples who also want to create a great relationship and much, much more!

Simply said, I can’t wait for you to check it out.

Just click here to learn more.  Enjoy…

Did you know we are smack dab in the middle of the Sixth Annual National LGBT Health Awareness Week? That’s right – April 6th-12th!  Before I inundate you with questions or suggestions about what you did to be healthy today (because who needs that ‘stress’), instead I’ll simply suggest you…

• go to the website of the national coalition organization that created this awareness week
• look around the website until you learn something you didn’t know before 

Being ready for a great life and great love does require a healthy body, mind and spirit.  And there are some issues unique to us as lesbians that many of us haven’t considered.  As a coach mentor of mine used to say – ‘the physical universe doesn’t lie’.  Yes, we can ignore our bodies, however, if we don’t take time to take as much care of them as we care for our loved ones, our careers, our ‘stuff’ etc., we won’t get nearly the quality or quantity of life we could have.  Tomorrow is another day so, consider now what you can do to prepare to take great care of yourself tomorrow!  Oh, you could start tonight by getting a good night’s sleep!  That means, for most of us, at least six hours of shut eye…so, put that book or remote down, turn off that computer and jump into bed.  Ahhh….doesn’t that feel nice?

—————

Just a quick reminder: tomorrow night is Coach Sappho’s Live, Love and Laugh Podcast.  Be sure to join us for an informative, rich, and fun discussion.  If you’re already a subscriber, just look for the reminder email you’ll receive before tomorrow night and, if you aren’t yet a podcast subscriber, it’s free, just click here to sign up now.

Have a good night!

Barb Elgin

As Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, I thought I’d share my ‘heart thoughts’ on the single most important thing you can do today to celebrate the holiday…

Thank yourself and be grateful for YOU!

That’s right!  Take some time today to thank yourself for all that you are and all that you do.  We live in a culture that tends to be so judgmental and/or ‘externally’ focused.  We live in a world that too often values how much we make, how big or modern a home we live in, how much we ‘go all out’ in celebrating, etc.

Now, externals aren’t all bad, mind you.  I too am of the belief that material abundance and inner abundance can go ‘hand-in-hand’.

I hope you’ll take a few minutes to realize all you do for others.  I hope you’ll reflect upon all that’s ‘right’ and ‘good’ about you.  And I hope you’ll think about all the wonderful characteristics that make up you.  Your core values, your strengths, your uniqueness and how you positively impact the world.

This is not a selfish, mediate on your navel suggestion.  Taking care of you (the golden goose) is vital to continuing to lay those golden eggs!  This is ESPECIALLY important if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered (or intersexed, for that matter), because society doesn’t fully yet ‘get’ our value to the whole and, instead, often tries to take away our joy.  Don’t let them! 

Just because some people still have ‘issues’, INSIDE OF THEM (not you) regarding gender and sex, that doesn’t mean YOU have to take on their problems or burdens.

So, don’t lose ‘you’ in the process of today’s events.  There are many ways to ‘lose you’ today.  However, I won’t even list them here, because words have power.  Instead I want you to envision the day you desire and then, go forth with your day.  Period! 

As you are challenged to stay WITH your vision of a perfect day, just remember the ‘voice of Coach Sappho’ inside your head and heart, gently encouraging you back on YOUR path…

Part of your perfect day vision probably includes remembering to do at least a couple of the daily routines you participate in that keep you well, such as exercise, meditation, prayer, making love (like how I put that right next to prayer!?!), even some good ‘ol portion control or, at a minimum, eating small portions of the most ‘fattening’ stuff, etc….

And let me know how doing all of this impacts the Thanksgiving you experience!  Post your thoughts and feelings about it all right here on the blog.

Lastly, if you are despairing today, take a moment and read the words Orlando realtor and colleague, Danny Veal, sent me in a Thanksgiving email card today.  What a positive ‘reframe’ indeed, so, thank you! Danny…

Thoughts for Thanksgiving

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary, because it means you’ve made a difference. It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Have a wonderful day!

Barb Elgin
Founder/CEO
Coach Sappho?
Inspiring healthy and fulfilling
lesbian dating and mating!

I’ve recently returned from the road. Fantastic trip I might add. I started off attending the first annual Out and Healthy Conference as well as the NGLCC’s (National Gay and Lesbian’s Chamber of Commerce) Annual Dinner and Award Show in Washington, D.C., and finished up spending a few days in Baltimore catching up with family and friends.

While visiting the Mid-Atlantic, I had the fortune of enjoying some great weather, including getting blown out of Baltimore by a cold wind, just in time to return to the ‘Kingdom of the Sun’ (Ocala, Florida).  And, just in time to catch some chilly nights back here in Florida too! 

Where do I begin to share with you my experiences attending the Out and Healthy Conference?  I think I’ll start by telling you what Out and Healthy is and why I thought it so important to attend.  Out and Healthy is a brand new, national conference, started just this year through a collaboration that includes the NGLCC, the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and several healthcare organizations such as Aetna and The Mautner Project, which, if you don’t know, is a healthcare organization that focuses solely on the healthcare concerns of  lesbian women.

Out and Healthy was created out of a growing recognition of the ‘disparities in care’ that exist in our current healthcare system, in this case towards sexual and gender minorities.  Hallelujiah you say, isn’t it about time someone noticed doctors and other healthcare professionals treat us differently, if we even feel safe enough to be ourselves with him or her!?! 

There is also a growing understanding of the unique health needs of  ‘woman-who-partner-with-women’ in our society.  Suffice it to say (because information and words are powerful), we face some unique risks and challenges when it comes to staying well, preventing illness, etc.  The takeaway for me was this…

I definitely need to focus more on taking care of my body, so that it continues to take care of me!

And, this attitude is true for everyone, whether you are sick or perfectly healthy right now.  Don’t take that ‘absence of obvious disease’ for granted.  For example, breast self exams are important, but they don’t catch certain cancers that only mammograms can and you may feel great but have diabetes or high blood pressure, both ‘silent killers’, at least in their early stages.

The good news for all of us is that there are some very dedicated researchers, policymakers, clinicians, etc., committed to identifying our concerns, helping us address our concerns and advocating for needed changes in the system.  However, there is still alot of work to do!  In fact, this effort is in it’s infancy!  While this is the first truly national collaboration to address GLBT health in such an empowered way, conference leaders shared with me their struggles getting more of those who need to attend such an event involved.

So, why did I attend Out and Healthy?  Because I too am curious about what leaders in the field are focusing on when it comes to healthcare for ‘women-who-love-women’ (that includes lesbians, bisexual women and trans-women).  I am interested in learning which healthcare organizations are on the ‘cutting edge’ in reaching out to our community.

In addition, as a lesbian relationship coach, I wanted to learn more about how I fit in relationship to this issue and to these individuals and organizations.  I learned that coaching is increasingly being seen as a very valuable service for everyone, and, in particular, for health-related concerns.  For example, in today’s world, most of us are too busy to maintain a close enough relationship to our bodies.  As a result, many of us aren’t aware how what we do impacts our bodies in positive and negative ways.  In the same way, I am very interested in how health issues interact with relationship issues, particularly as it impacts single and coupled ‘women-who-partner-with-women’.

It was quite refreshing being surrounded by other healthcare, business and activist professionals with a similar passion and interest in this very important subject.  And, to top it all off, I met some fascinating individuals, not the least of which was Martina Navratilova!  Speaking of a fit body (and mind) that is maximizing it’s potential! 

So, all in all, the conference and national dinner were both amazing experiences!  Justin Nelson, Chance Mitchell and Kate Karasmeighan, thank you, you’ve wowed me again!

Please visit the Out and Healthy site and keep tabs on this effort.  I know this effort will continue to grow in size and influence in the years to come!