With the approach of fall, Coach Sappho has turned over HER new leaf and is launching a brand new podcast!

I’ve been considering a fresh approach for Coach Sappho’s ‘radio presense’ for several months now and decided to invite Reverend Donna Tara Lee, a colleague and friend I met after moving here to Florida, to create a new internet radio show.

Donna accepted my invitation and, I am happy to report we are ready to bring our new podcast to you, starting this coming Tuesday night, August 25, 2009 at 6:30pm ET.

Our new show is called

GLBT TALK WITH BARB AND DONNA

Donna and I are excited to bring to you a show that will ‘inform, enlighten and entertain’ listeners on all things GLBT!

The show will last 30 minutes at 6:30pm ET on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of every month and you can listen in LIVE via the internet FOR FREE by signing up now:

During this Tuesday night’s show we’ll be introducing listeners to who we are and what we envision for the show.  The show is recorded and is live, so if you want to call in and ask a question or send us your well wishes we’d love it!  Also – the show’s page on has a chat room which you can participate in as well, during the show!

Why should you listen? Because more in our community need to tune into the ‘older’, ‘wiser’ GLBT experience.  More than ever, in today’s media and the internet in general, there is more fluff and less substance.  And, there is also the usual over focus on youth and the younger experience.  In today’s world it’s easy putting up a blog or show, but what is the quality of that blog or show?

This means that, more than ever before, YOU need to become a more discerning listener. Why do I think this important? When you get what you believe from sources who are just passing on the rumors, irrational fears and unchecked facts of others, we get further away from moving forward on important issues, like marriage equality and health care reform.

Instead of us moving towards solutions (with or without consensus, because, sometimes, as history shows, moving forward without consensus is important too), people just become more confused and feelings become inflamed or escalated.

I believe the seasoned, rich wisdom experts 40 and over offer our community is being drowned out and is mostly untapped.  I define ‘expert’ as those who have spent a significant part of their lifetimes – at least 10 years or more – being active in their field or industry and/or in their GLBT cause  – versus those ‘Johnny and Joany’s come lately’ who are young and green!

As you know I’m a relationship and dating expert with over 20 years experience as a coach and as a licensed psychotherapist.  And, you know what a passionate advocate I am for the success of single lesbians, lesbian relationships, marriage equality and GLBT rights in general.  I began my volunteerism in the late 1970′s at a gay switchboard and haven’t slowed down since.  If you want to learn more about my decades of service to the GLBT community, click here.

Reverend Lee attended Woodstock (Yes, she was there in 1969!) and was a part of the Stonewall movement!  And, Donna continues to be deeply involved in political, social and spiritual causes.  In addition to being an active member of the Democratic Caucus here in Floriday, she’s gone through sexual reassignment surgery and she has an amazing story to tell of how her life has been transformed as she ‘created the body she feels normal and natural in’.

We look forward to meeting you on GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna:

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Tags: gay dating, gay relationship advice, lesbian dating, lesbian dating advice, lesbian relationship advice, life coach for lesbians, online dating tips for lesbians

I happened to see an Oprah ‘summer rerun’ this afternoon.  The topic: finding one’s spiritual path.  Ahh, I treated myself – it was a pleasure actually sitting down and watching a show without distractions.  The guests included a panel of ‘spiritual’ thought leaders including Rev. Michael Beckwith, Rev. Ed Bacon of a ‘progressive’ Episcopolian church in California and Elizabeth Lesser of the Omega Institute (gosh did I used to love looking at their catalogs!).

Below, and interspersed throughout this post, I’m going to quote what was said during the show, which Oprah has put up on her site summarizing the people’s stories shared, because one day she may take those words down and they are so powerful I want to always be able to look at them again.

While the teachers talked with several people who are experiencing some truly huge obstacles, the highlight for myself and, I’m sure gay people around the world came about ten minutes before the show ended.  The panel was taking live, video Skype calls and the one they took at ten before the hour was of an African American man, in his early 30′s, who very openly stated he was gay.

He wanted the teacher’s help as he said he has a long history of running up debts and that he didn’t know why but he was tired of it and wanted to start getting his life together.

Reverent Bacon started right up talking about this crisis really being a chance for the man’s soul to grow and, he said, as hard as that is for everyone it is especially hard for gays because being gay in our world is not usually thought of as a gift, but it is.  Simply put, as I always like to say, the creator doesn’t make accidents!

Oprah, as usual, chimed in with perfect comedic timing, when she said, ‘I think that’s the first religious person I’ve ever met who has ever said being gay is a gift!’  Of course, Beckwith chimed in and high-fived with Bacon and reminded watchers: ‘we are talking here about spirituality, not religion’.

Bacon said that no one in this world succeeds alone and that what the world does to gay people is try to isolate them.  And, as I know, so many of us at so many times in our lives, have let this happen.   For example, many gay people may be 40, 50 or 60 years old and in a gay love relationship but their family doesn’t know.  Or, their family does know but won’t extend the same love and support to their family member, his or her partner and their relationship that they easily extend to the straight couples in the family.

As a result of growing up feeling he had to hide his true self, Elizabeth believes Sedrick could be looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. “Instead of just being genuinely who you are in the world, which is the biggest thrill there is, actually, you start to do things,” she says. “Jumping out of planes or being in debt, because that’s sort of in a twisted kind of way making you feel really alive.”

Sedrick says this is what he has struggled with for most of his life. “I’ve mastered being one person on the outside, and it’s completely opposite of who I am,” he says.  SUCH IS THE STORY OF SO MANY OF US…

So, by reading today’s post, I am sure you will understand why I just had to remark on today’s Oprah.  THANK YOU, Oprah, for bringing this very special group of people to the world’s eyes, ears and hearts.  You don’t know how many hearts you may have changed by this show!

Below, as I promised, what Oprah wrote about each of these spiritual teachers…

• Michael Bernard Beckwith is the founder and spiritual director of Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. He is a featured teacher in the film and book The Secret and is the author of Spiritual Liberation.

Michael says love, peace, harmony and wisdom are everlasting qualities “They’re real and they’re eternal, and so when an individual is connected to those qualities and begins to exude them and express them, at that moment, they’re in the spirit,” he says. “And when an individual is mature enough to express that on a regular basis, we can say that they’re spiritually mature.” Regardless of the temporary problems you may be experiencing, Michael says the connection to love, peace and harmony stays with you. “That which carries you when you’re going through tough times,” he says. “That’s what it means to be spiritual.”

• Elizabeth Lesser is the co-founder of Omega Institute, America’s largest adult holistic education center, and the author of Broken Open and A Seeker’s Guide.

According to Elizabeth, spirituality is within everyone’s reach. Just as we all have the instinct to eat, sleep and drink, Elizabeth says spirituality is ingrained in all of us. “There’s this instinct inside of each and every one of us that there’s more to life than meets the eye,” she says. Elizabeth says spirituality is our intuition that there is something greater to life than the daily grind. “It’s the fearlessness to ask the big questions,” she says. “Who am I? What’s my purpose? Life? Where do we go when we die? And how do we live a fully alive, meaningful, giving, generous life when we’re here?”

• The Rev. Ed Bacon is the rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California, a well-known liberal and progressive church in both its theology and politics.

He defines spirituality as a meaningful connection. “It is about our being connected with one another and connected with the cosmos,” he says. “It is the process of being healed, forgiven, empowered to go into the world, to be fully alive.”

The Rev. Bacon says full, unconditional love is the essence of spirituality. “It’s that experience of love that connects you with everyone, connects you with your past, connects you with your future, gives you hope and excitement about going into the next day, going into the next moment.”

Rev. Bacon says crisis is merely the threshold for something bigger to come. “Let the old die because the new is going to be even better than you could ever have imagined,” he says. “The metaphor I love for that is pruning. We get old, nonfruitful parts of our lives are pruned away so that something new and more fruitful can blossom.”

A very cool story recalled by Oprah is the one of the man who survived a plane crash…

“After years of being on television, nothing excites Oprah more than experiencing a defining spiritual moment. “Two years ago, John Diaz was here talking about surviving a horrific plane crash,” Oprah says. “What he said that day is something that I know so many of you who heard it will never forget.”

After the plane crashed, John says he saw people strapped into their seats, burning. As he watched, he says he noticed what appeared to be auras leaving their bodies, some brighter than others. “I thought, ‘The brightness and dimness of the auras were how one lives one’s life,’ so to speak,” he says. “That’s one of the major things that really has changed within me … I want to live my life so my aura, when it leaves, is very bright.”

Elizabeth believes the colorful auras were people who fully lived their lives. “What the world needs are people who have come alive. That’s what we all need to do to become fully ourselves,” she says. “Alive. Joyful. Present in every moment.”

By the way, Oprah ended this episode with a tribute to one of her favorite all time mentors:  little Mattie Stepanek, whom I’ve blogged about before here on this blog (I’m still trying to find the post, unfortuantely, it may have been lost on my old blog server).

Mattie passed away in 2004, but his mom has helped to create a ‘Mattie’ memorial in the Washington, DC.  Oprah was there last October to dedicate the event.  Be sure to stop by Mattie’s site and if you are going to buy one of his books, do so there, so you can help out his foundation, whose mission is to…

“To continue spreading Mattie’s message of hope and peace through ongoing peace programs, and educational and recreational contests in schools and communities.”

For more from today’s Oprah show, click here.

————

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

- Suze Orman, Women and Money

Amazingly wise words don’t you think?  And, they come from one smart, adorable lesbian who has truly ‘made it’ financially!  I am sitting here at the computer, writing to you on a rainy day, and treating myself to Orman on PBS as she presents her “Women and Money” Show.

Yes, the show isn’t new.  But, truthfully, each time the show comes on,  I half listen, with the TV in the background, continuing on with my busy day instead of stopping what I am doing and listening more closely.  Today, I listened

a bit more closely, and pulled out her book (which I haven’t finished reading!), to see what I can learn from someone who obviously shines with vibrant financial health.

It is timely that I am covering the topic of single lesbians and their money today.  It seems the topic of finances has been coming up frequently lately as I talk to my clients and Lez Rendezvous members. And that, my friends, is a good thing!

Single lesbians share many of the same issues all single women and women face when it comes to money, but, we also share some unique challenges.

Transcending the ways our female ancestors ‘dealt’ (or didn’t deal) with money takes courage

What I notice is common amongst many women is this belief that, somehow, many other issues are more important than insuring our financial security.  Somehow, finances tend to take a back seat.  We either say ‘money isn’t important’ or, ‘money is too difficult to figure out’, so we continue to live our lives, avoiding dealing with our money.

We also generally think that money will take care of itself.  Or, that perhaps someone else will take care of it (and, by extension, us). I suspect these attitudes are vestiges left over from our heterosexual sisters/mothers/grandmothers, many of whom ‘handed over’ their power without thinking about it, because that’s just what you did, when it came to money and most other important decisions in their relationships.  It was even the law not too long ago!

Many of us also carry around some uninspiring thoughts about money.  Money on it’s own is not evil.  Money is like a gun.  It’s the people who do evil things with money and guns, not the money and guns themselves.

What about love and money?

When it comes to love, if we are dating someone exclusively, and considering a future with that person, do we have conversations with her about money?  As in, if and when to have those discussions and how to have them?  When we are still single (ie: not legally married, even if we consider ourselves ‘committed’), is it okay to entwine our financial lives with another person?

When is it okay to combine our financial responsibilities, and, how do we do so?  Suze talks often about every woman still retaining at least one SEPARATE bank account, for example.  But what about the health of the relationship?  I also see too many couples where it seems like there isn’t enough ‘togetherness’ when it comes to sharing assets.

As I always like to say: every love relationship is really three relationships:  you, me and us.  I would imagine each area needs it’s own financial support.  While our female ancestors may have handed over all financial control (including our own paychecks) to our fathers and husbands, now it is no longer wise to do so!

No longer can we expect one job or one partner or husband to protect us forever.  Ha!  If that was ever even true, in practice.  Now, if we choose wisely or have good luck, maybe we can just put our lives in the hands of someone else, however, for most of us, this is unwise.

That’s why you will see many professionals – in the legal, financial, coaching fields – suggest creating relationship agreements, when things are going well.  Now, in the six states where marriage is legal (Massachusetts, Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Maine), I don’t know how marriage impacts your financial planning, but, married legally or not, you should definitely look into the laws of your state and create with your partner something that protects each of you, should something go awry.

There are also several other states in the process of legalizing marriage or who already honor some form of civil unions or domestic partnerships for same sex couples.  If you live in one of those states, these laws may also impact what you do/plan.

If we are totally single and not dating anyone right now, it is truly an amazing time for us to get our own financial acts together, isn’t it?  We have no one else to negotiate with, just ourselves.  And there is a lot we can do to get our financial house into order, so we can become happier, more confident, independent, and, dare I say it – ‘irresistibly attractive’ – as a single person.

Coach Sappho’s ‘Luscious Lesbian Love Quiz’ can help you begin to at least generally assess your own financial health.  Single or coupled, if you haven’t taken the quiz yet, I urge you to do so.  And, then, please contact me to set up your complimentary phone consult.

So, to sum up Orman’s quote from the beginning of this post, if a key part of creating financial health and financial freedom for yourself has to do with valuing yourself more , valuing what you do more and being more valued by the world, where do you begin?

I would suggest that each of us can begin by better surrounding herself with whatever loving reminders, messages, and friends and family who value us and what we do, more often!

What can you do today to value yourself and your time more?

Be sure to post here on the blog and share with the world how you will value yourself more today…

———–

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Attract Mz. Right Summer Camp for Single Lesbians starts 6/23/09.  Register by midnight PST on 6/20/09 and save 25% off – click here to learn all the details.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today.  The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times.  That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do.  That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast.  I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

Evan does amazing work.  He’s an attorney by training, but he is also one of those experts in the marriage equality movement we need to emulate.  Evan’s words restored my faith in knowing that ‘what is right eventually comes to pass’.

If you are flagging in your faith or enthusiasm, I’d suggest you listen to my interview with Evan.  Click here to get your copy.  Just note the interview was done in early 2008, before the California supreme court ruled for equal marriage the first time (pre-Prop 8).

What I loved about this interview was Evan’s way of comparing the same sex marriage issue to other civil right’s issues our country has resolved.  Evan is sure eventually America will be inclusive of same sex marriage as well.  During the interview Evan gives many historical examples.  Great stuff.  And, I was so proud of my listeners who asked Evan some great questions!

Secondly, two items crossed my computer this week that I thought shed light on all that is good, ‘right’ and positive about gay marriage:

1)  A new study on gay married couples in Massachusetts reveals marriage matters – A new study being released this week that interviewed some of the first American gay couples given the right to marry shows the many ways marriage is positive, for gay couples, their children and the community at large.

Gay marriage matters:

Some of my current and former clients only recently ‘came out of the closet’.  Some have even been married to a man for some length of time and are choosing to live a more authentic, ‘this is who I really am’ lesbian life for the first time.  And many others have identified, even rather openly, as lesbian for years but they…

• haven’t experience a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship with another woman
• they haven’t felt comfortable asking for what they want
• or they haven’t been aware of what they want romantically, for various reasons, most likely due to the socialization (or lack thereof) women and lesbian women receive when it comes to love, dating and relationships.

As I always remind all of my clients, whether they are single, dating or coupled, two of the most important secrets to creating a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with the woman of their dreams is knowing who you are and what you want.

Just as important, however, as knowing who you are and what you want is:

• being able to live your truth

and

• being willing to be a great partner

When it comes to living one’s truth, let’s face it: until the ‘rubber meets the road’, who you are and what you want is only theoretical.  Meaning, in terms of the world and how you are perceived and whether (and what) you will manifest, the results you achieve are based upon your ability to take actions, millions of them, moment after moment, day after day and year after year, that are aligned with who you believe yourself to be, in the world.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  Although there is nothing wrong with demanding ‘excellence’ of yourself.  In fact, it’s better to ‘expect too much’, I believe, than to not ‘expect enough’ of yourself, in particular your behavior.  And, this gets to the point of today’s post.

As much as it is important to get clear who you are, what you want and as vital as it is to be able to express ‘you’ lovingly, yet clearly in the world, perhaps most important of all, if you hope to create a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman, is being able to be a great partner.

Most of us are aware of what we expect from the woman we invite into our lives, but do you spend as much time learning and practicing becoming a great partner to that woman you expect so much from? (as well you should, by the way!)…

As it’s been said, when it’s easy to be a great partner, that is, on days and during the hours of the day when things are going smooth, you are rested and you aren’t irritable and your partner is the same, being a great partner is much easier than when you are tired, you both disagree or you just don’t feel like being kind or ‘negotiable’ at that moment.

Well now, these tougher moments are when the rubber truly meets the road:  can you be respectful when you aren’t in the mood to be?  None of us are perfect on this one, we’ve all slipped, right, so, let’s cut ourselves and others some (not too much though!) slack during these moments!  

The best, most lasting relationships consist of two individuals who are being great partners.  Why is that?  Because when you have two women doing the very best they can to nurture their relationship, they create the conditions that allow each woman to feel they are being celebrated for who they are while they are treated like a queen.

Certainly then, if you aren’t being a great partner, is it fair to expect your partner to be a great partner?  Hmmmm………..the good news is this:  when you don’t feel like being a great partner, step back and take a deep breath before you do anything else…from there you will have a clearer head and you will be more likely to respond with love (or with no response at all until you are able to make a positive response) instead of reacting in response to your frustration (or some other negative emotion).

I am not saying you sweep important issues under the rug.  I am just saying there is always a time and a place, right? 

Lastly: put one mark in the ‘credit’ column of your relationship’s ‘emotional bank account’.

Wonderful food for thought, eh?

Have a fabulous afternoon!

Barb Elgin

p.s.  Are you single or dating to meet your life partner?  If you are, be sure to check out Lez Rendezvous, our premiere dating and coaching community for lesbians.  We have a great tele-discussion this evening at 7:30p ET where we are talking about getting ready to attract our soulmates.  Don’t miss it!  Great potential partners hang out here!  And, some ‘love matches’ are already happenin’…